Husband complimenting old acquaintance and asking for mobile number

[Appleandbanana123]

DH left himself logged onto FB on my notepad and I saw a message that he sent to an old acquaintance which has made me pretty unhappy.

He started by saying how he had spotted her comment on a friend's post and how he's got so much to talk to her about, after 25 years. He then suggests that she sends him his mobile so that they can talk or message via WhatsApp - interesting here that an innocent suggestion would surely have involved him simply giving her his number. He finishes it off by saying how beautiful she looks, still smiley "soooo good to see that', oh and saying hello to her mum - I suspect he actually stayed with them as his club's arrangements when he was still playing professionally.

He doesn't go out, doesn't behave strangely... he does seem less interested in sex...

Her reply was friendly but no number and nothing inappropriate, and that was 5 days ago (she said something about being at work and messaging later but no follow up). At the end of the day, it's his behaviour that I am interested in, and how I deal with it...

That would really upset me to be honest. It’s like he’s fishing. Keep an eye on the messages

Yes, I am upset and disappointed... I don't see a problem with contact with old acquaintances, but the compliments were totally unnecessary as was asking for her number. Actually, her response would have made me feel rather pathetic and desperate, as she was friendly enough but didn't acknowledge the compliments. In fact, very much how I would have responded.

I'd have punched him
In the face and packed
His bag.
He's trying to start an affair
He told another women she wAs
Beautiful x
!

randommmmmmmmmmm practicing your haikus?

???

" I don't see a problem with contact with old acquaintances, ..."

I usually skip old acquaintances if I haven't heard from them in 4-5 months time. It's not really worth the effort trying to keep in touch with old friends. When six months has passed, I erase them from my address book, if I haven't heard from them.

I understand you're disappointed.

Mmm YANBU

I'd have punched him In the face

Is this a serious comment? Violence never solved anything and it would be a massive overreaction.

She's probably thinking "Creep". Facebook is a playground for the type of sly man who inboxes women however tenuous the link, with flirty innuendo. Loads of them on there trying it on. Sounds as if your DH didn't get very far. Good, that'll take his ego down a notch or 2. I'd have had it out with him there and then.

Honestly if a dude asked me for my number to what's app each other and told me I was beautiful I'd think he was cracking on to me. I assume she thought the same thing. As did you. He on the other hand knew for sure.

What you do about it though is a different question. He will deny it and make out you're nuts probably and then just be more careful in future.

I don't believe that confrontation is the answer. I don't understand it though. I am 6 years younger than him and look much younger than my age, plus I am in a very good shape - regular exercise, healthy eating etc. And it's not like I am sitting around, with not much going on - quite on the contrary! Exciting new job, hobbies, friends etc.

Additionally, we hardly have any time together as DH works Wed-Sun, whereas I work standard office hour. Therefore, it can't possibly be boredom or taking each other for granted.

Something like this is disrespectful and hurtful, and I don't understand why he felt the need to do that. This is the same husband who makes my breakfast and lunch in the morning (because he wants to!!! I can look after myself, promise!); who will go out of his wait to make sure that I've got enough coconut milk at home, who will insist on coming to meet me for lunch on his days off, even when he's dog-tired and down with a cold! It makes no sense whatsoever...

You really think you being younger than him and looking good, matters so much that it will stop a man inclined that way to hit on another woman?!

Wow.

As you see - it isn't the case. As for "why", what possible reason could he give that would make you think 'oh I understand, that's ok then'

If you don't want to confront him then you'll just have to quietly hope it doesn't happen again. It's quite telling and pretty sad that you are afraid to instigate a discussion, instead are trying to work out what he's thinking. It's a road to nowhere, as you can't read his mind and nor can anybody else..

He's your husband you should be able to talk to him.

I would be fuming if I found something like this. It's pretty obvious he was hoping it would develop into something. Screenshot the message and show him just to see what he says

Definitely red flags. I would say however good your relationship is there is little point in talking about it. Either he's up to something or he isn't. You won't believe the former, and if it's the latter he will lie through his teeth. Keep cool and alert. If there is something you will find it if you don't pre warn him. Hope all is ok though

Ok OP, so he does lots of nice things for you; you can look after yourself..... what nice things do you do specifically for him?
Is there a possibility he is feeling under appreciated?

I know what you mean and of course it would be best to place the evidence under his nose, and demand an explanation. However, he will most likely tell me whatever he wants me to hear, and he'll make sure to log off - at the moment, he's obviously got no idea that he's still logged onto my laptop. I want to see where this goes, and also whether there's more going on. If he's going to cheat, he'll find all sorts of way to do so well beyond FB, and which I cannot (and should not have to) monitor.

Funny how I met a guy at a work event a couple of evenings ago and he's emailed me (we all exchanged business cards). No compliments but he did mention perhaps catching up next time I am in London. I felt so guilty!! What a moron I am when my husband is openly approaching other women, and saying how beautiful and smiley they are... plus if that woman mentions it to anyone, soon other people he knows (including one of his eldest son's mates) will hear about it. Consequently, I look like a fool...

sally thank you

rumbly I did think that and although I am most certainly not lazy, I can't say that I do anywhere near as many little nice things as he does. I will pull all the stops when it comes to the big occasions (I.e. he's just had a big birthday) but waking up early on my day off to make him breakfast and drive him to work? (Just an example!) I am afraid I don't. Plus although I know that he's really happy for me that my job is going well, he's had some setbacks at work recently which have probably dented his ego slightly. Min you, I am not making excuses for this message business!!

My ex was super kind like that, all those little things. He was also messaging several women that I found out about and probably doing much more. No one is just black or white. Some people need the ego massage of interest from/engagement with the oppositite sex, some are sex addicts, some are happily monogamous. I don’t think it’s necessarily a good/evil type split.

So I managed to say how I felt that something was different and of course he brought up work, etc. Unfortunately, half-way through a sarcastic remark (anger building up inside me), I chose my words unwisely and let it slip that maybe he needed a more mainstream wife, one with a beautiful smile. I've just come up to our bedroom, looked at his FB messages on my laptop and guess what! The two messages have disappeared. Now I feel even more despondent about the whole thing Sh*t, why do people do this sort of thing to each other? There is something called 'respect' to be maintained; I don't deserve any less.

Damn! So now you're angry with yourself because you've forewarned him and lost the chance to watch him without him suspecting anything.

I can completely understand how you feel, but hard as it is to believe, men can be doting loving husbands and still cheat....not that your husband is cheating or planning to but it is a fact. You say you look young, in great shape etc, yet this has little baring when a man needs an ego boost. Look at some of the stunning women in the media yet they have been cheated on when often the OW involved is far less attractive.

Now that it's out in the open I'd have it out with him, nothing to lose now and see what his explanation is. Maybe have a private dig around (wrong but necessary) and see if you come up with anything.

Sorry you're feeling so crap.

Am I the only one who thinks that AppleandBanana is winding us up? She sounds like Anthea Turner in her heyday!

Of course I could be wrong ... in which case, maybe, OP, try to conduct your relationship in the real world, in the here and now and see where that takes you?

???? I don't understand this last comment.

He took himself off to the guest bedroom last night, after getting angry over me insisting that there is something going on. I've stuck to the 'disrespect to me / our marriage' element but without being explicit about what I had read - you see, he may have deleted the messages but he still doesn't realise that he's logged in on my notepad.

I did take a look around yesterday, after I saw the message, but there was nothing else. He could of course have all sorts of things going on via a dozen different apps...

And yes, it's true about the stories we see in the media and how looks etc count for very little in these situations... So I am going to repeat what I've read here so many times: "I thought things were great"

I am married to a narcissist.

Ah, he wanted to WhatsApp. Cheaters and their WhatsApp. I don't know that you need to wait for more evidence. He's in the wrong and rather than admit to culpability he is trying to hide it and put blame onto you. I feel the intent is more important than the activity. Clearly, his intent is to deceive.

Ummm...is there a chance you could be overreacting?

One message to an old flame on FB and your married to a narcissist and your relationship is over?

If you don’t trust him, why are you with him?

You could try being open and honest with him - tell him you saw the message and thought it was inappropriate. He’s probably really embarrassed about it himself in retrospect.

But don’t treat him like a cheat, if he’s not...

Kitty

I am not even sure she was an old flame or the just the daughter of the woman who put some of the players up when they came over to the UK. It was his keenness: "so much I want to talk to you about after 25 years..,", "send me your number so I can call you or WhatsApp...", "you are still as beautiful and smiley as I remembered you and that is sooooo good". Quite sad that I actually memorised it almost word by word.

It is not the contact with somebody from the past, albeit an attractive woman, but I felt was an overtop message. And I suspect that the woman thought so too as she was polite and friendly, but didn't give her number, didn't acknowledge the compliments and didn't write any further.

As others have said, I don't know what else he's up to which I haven't seen but the bottom line is that it was an inappropriate message to somebody you haven't spoken to in over two decades. Or I think so anyway.., the "soooooo" twice just made it worse as I never see him use that...