Husband complimenting old acquaintance and asking for mobile number

[Appleandbanana123]

DH left himself logged onto FB on my notepad and I saw a message that he sent to an old acquaintance which has made me pretty unhappy.

He started by saying how he had spotted her comment on a friend's post and how he's got so much to talk to her about, after 25 years. He then suggests that she sends him his mobile so that they can talk or message via WhatsApp - interesting here that an innocent suggestion would surely have involved him simply giving her his number. He finishes it off by saying how beautiful she looks, still smiley "soooo good to see that', oh and saying hello to her mum - I suspect he actually stayed with them as his club's arrangements when he was still playing professionally.

He doesn't go out, doesn't behave strangely... he does seem less interested in sex...

Her reply was friendly but no number and nothing inappropriate, and that was 5 days ago (she said something about being at work and messaging later but no follow up). At the end of the day, it's his behaviour that I am interested in, and how I deal with it...

And I genuinely don't believe he's even got time for physical cheating, but emotional cheating is just a click away these days...

Demanding an explanation from someone who is apt to deceive (cheat) simply gives them opportunity to make excuses.

My response would be "you're fishing, you make a fool of me and a fool of you, anymore of this and I'm out" just an unequivocal statement of fact, outlining what will happen if he continued.

I think you have bigger problems if you are in the "I'm slim and young he wouldn't cheat on me" camp.

He's deffo fishing-my ex sent texts and messages like that and he had dozens of women on the go. That's why he's my ex.

I hope you get this sorted.

He's not sorry is he?

and yes, it's laughable that he is sniffing about after someone he fancied 25 years ago and I am cringing for him after the response he got

This is serious and I think Mini has it....a firm line in the sand and serious vigilance would be my course of action.

Yes! That's exactly what how I feel about it: that sort of action makes a fool of me and a mockery of our marriage. And that was pretty much what I said last night. He's gone to work, so to be continued tonight...

What I meant about being in good shape, etc is that he's the first one to say how good what we have is and if I had let myself go (it still doesn't justify that sort behaviour, that's not what I am saying) then attraction goes... but I suppose you can stop being attracted to someone for all sorts of reasons. Or simply crave a bit of ego-massaging elsewhere. Ultimately, still totally disrespectful towards me.

He's not sorry on the basis that he's not entirely sure what or how much I know, as I've stuck to my 'can't put my finger on it but something isn't quite right'. To that, his response was that I was making things up, crazy and he got very angry, followed by him decamping to the spare room. I just kept repeating myself "We both know that it's not my imagination, and it makes me look like a fool. It makes a joke of our marriage..." This morning he came into our bedroom and was sweet as pie, telling me how much he loved me and us etc. I just didn't say anything, and I don't want to tell him about the message just yet. I want to see whether anything else comes out it, and I also don't want to be given some bullshit explanation which is what is going to happen.

So... he called me from work and it all came out. He actually turned it around and blamed me for snooping, conveniently avoid have to admit to any wrong-doing whatsoever. Apparently, this is all my fault for having snooped, and writing to an old friend saying how beautiful she looks and proposing a phone chat etc is perfectly normal. Of course when I asked whether he would have seen it that way if that had been me then he changed the course of the argument. He is now going to stick to his guns, that our relationship is a mess as I go snooping around.

Apparently, this is all my fault for having snooped

Of course when I asked whether he would have seen it that way if that had been me then he changed the course of the argument. He is now going to stick to his guns, that our relationship is a mess as I go snooping around

HE knows he's been fishing, and he knows YOU know he's been fishing, so he turns it all into being your fault.

Classic.

Text book twattery from him then. Oh dear. I would stick to my guns too. Anymore fishing for flattery, anymore fishing for affairs and I'm out, simples. You can't control anyone, but you can stand your ground and refuse their treatment of you or their version of the truth.

The relationship is not a mess because of your snooping. If someone has nothing to hide then they are open and transparent. They don't get uppity because you discover something they are proud of, they get uppity because they know they are in the wrong. People only hide what they are too ashamed to disclose. Or they hide things when there are consequences they don't like. As for blaming, it's much the same, a guilty person is usually the first to start offloading their guilt.

I'm following OP and I hope you're okay! Stand your ground he's out of order and scream guilt!

Beautiful!

Thank you onelasttime and everyone else he should be back soon and I feel we are in for a long evening. I am not an idiot, and I value myself. End of.

Just remember if you're doubting or feeling alone come back here and we will hand hold you. I've been where you are and the pit of your stomach feeling isn't very nice when waiting for things to go head to head.
Just remember there is no excuse for your partner to call another women beautiful In a private conversation and then make you feel guilty for it.

He conveniently forget to spell out that he was going to pick up his children from their home after work (instead of the usual arrangement to meet their mum halfway as they are 3 hours away from us). He said he was struggling to stay awake and ended up staying at a friend's, driving down with the boys today.

Therefore no conversation last night. He did say over the phone and in writing that his choice of words was inappropriate - understatement of the century - but that his intention was purely to catch up.

I wrote to him this morning saying that it'd be good if he could stay where he is for a few days. The thought of him sitting there and thinking long and hard how to flatter another woman... and the words... "soooooo beautiful and smiley, just as I remembered you". You know, you come across an old acquaintance / lover / whatever and it's natural to ask how they are and even to say that they are looking well. And most certainly not asking people for their numbers unless we were actually going to meet up for a face-to-face catch up. I don't believe for a moment that I am overreacting. I am not, am I?

Oh so he's been caught out at his sleazy attempt to start up some kind of flirtations messaging with an old flame, on Whatsapp so nice and discreet.

I hope he stays away OP, he's disrespecting you massively, what a knob.

You are not overreacting. Stick to your guns. x

What a knob And hypocritical to boot. And he would also be the first to say if you "let yourself go" Hmm Speaks volumes. He feels entitled.

Ive had two blokes asking to "connect" with me on fb Blokes ive never heard of. Ive ignored it Dont know what they want. Could be something sexual Could be dodgy. Could be someone trying to infect a virus. Have told DH as i have nothing to hide. I have no idea and im not risking it by clicking.

He is here, trying to pretend that it's all normal. His children are here too, so now the boys are entertaining themselves and I've decamped to my room.

I am so tired... Last week was so stressful, and I really needed a relaxing weekend. But then I saw the message and it's been this massive drama. I hate it. I hate being put in this situation. I hate how his action makes a mockery of our marriage.

I wish he had stayed away. I don't want to hear excuses and lies, and I can't stop thinking that this is only what I've actually come across. What about what I haven't?! Unless of course he's just a seriously unlucky guy

Oh yuck. An old school friend recently messaged me (we had been connected on social media for years, but no interaction) saying exactly what your DH said 'nice pics, lovely smile, always had a teenage crush on you, you're still beautiful'. Silly old me didn't think anything of it, asked after his DW and kids, chatted about DH and my family etc (was secretly a bit flattered) but absolutely did not encourage him in any way....

Then he got pissed and sent me a DICK PIC.

I have now deleted him and we haven't been in contact since....

So…this morning, he started making me my breakfast and lunch. When I realised what he was doing, I stopped him and said that I would a million times over pass on these nice gestures but be respected. He keeps saying that I am taking this too far, which a couple of posters here said too. I asked him two questions (and not rhetorical ones!): 1. Are you saying that you were that unlucky that the one time that you did something inappropriate, you got caught? (I mean, what are the odds?), 2. If it’s all about being friendly to somebody you used to know over 20 years ago, would your message have been that enthusiastic if she was ugly? To the first one, he of course said ‘yes’, and proceeded to say that he wouldn’t have used those adjectives which really wasn’t the point that I was trying to make. Would he have asked the woman for her number and suggested taking the conversation to Whatsapp etc? I don’t think so.

I just need to have a good cry… If I decide that I can put this behind us, I will always have it in the back of my mind that this is the only piece of evidence that I have come across and that there is probably plenty more lurking in the depths of my dear husband’s ;-) social media apps.

Coincidently, I have just another email from a man that I met at an event the other day, giving me his number and suggesting chatting via Whatsapp. What are the odds? We exchanged business cards as you do at this events, and he was kind enough to post me some information which I missed out on as I had to leave before the end. The difference between my husband and I is that I don’t want to chat to some guy, it doesn’t give me a kick and I don’t need to have my ego stroked.

Hi AppleandBanana
I just wanted to come back to say I'm sorry for what I posted saying are you winding us up. I dk, I completely misread your post and I shouldn't have said that.
You are getting lots of good advice from others on here so I won't say any more but fwiw, I, also, am here to hold your hand through this.
I hope your situation improves and you find the right way through.
Alicia
x

If it was so normal, why did he hide it from you in the first place? I would be hurt if my partner did the same.

He's clearly been fishing a bit. It's going to hurt.

But equally you are massively overreacting by now claiming you've married a narcissist (which on MN seems to be anyone on this planet who has ever done a remotely insensitive or dickish thing).

He's got a guilty conscience. What would have happened if you DIDN'T find out!

Thank you all

I am not sure I can deal with the doubt that this one action has planted in my head: this message was the one that I saw. Either he is extremely unlucky or there is plenty more out there. What are the odds?

Plus yes, of course, how far would that have gone? He obviously deleted it as soon as I started giving hints that he may have done something inappropriate - he doesn't know that I know that he deleted it . However, he claims that it was all so innocent that he never gave it another thought.