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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner not listening

55 replies

LoveBakeOff · 24/03/2018 10:44

Been with my boyfriend now for almost a year and we are moving in together soon.

But his attitude towards me is getting tiring. He says he is just having a laugh and I shouldn't take it seriously, but he blames me for literally everything. If anything goes wrong, it's my fault. If he does something wrong, it's my fault. It's always something I did. Even if it is a joke, I hate it. I've told him this a million times and he keeps doing it. He also calls me useless frequently for the same things. My self esteem isn't great and this doesn't help.

He just doesn't listen in general. I have the implant in my arm for contraception and I told him this, told him to avoid touching it, so what does he do? Presses down on it a lot. Pushes it, not deliberately I think, he's just rough and when cuddling me from behind on bed, will push his hand against it. Its now hurting my arm because he has pushed it do far into my arm, I'm not even sure how the doctor is going to remove it anymore. Every time he pushed it, I told him to stop it and he said he would then does it again the next day. He also likes to play with my hair, but usually pulls it, again same thing, tell him to stop, he doesn't.

He is generally lazy too, doesn't clean up, leaves my room in a mess (we stay with my parents fit now) and all he does all day is play games and watch YouTube. I do everything, all cleaning etc have to bring him stuff because he is a 'guest' according to my parents. He then watches YouTube all night which keeps me awake, but he doesn't care about that either. It's only ever about him. He can't sleep so needs to watch YouTube. Sod me that has to get up at 5.

He annoyed me through the process of finding somewhere to live too. He barely helped even though I was stressed about other things too, just left it all to me. The other day, I finally got something sorted, came home from a busy day at work to find my room in a mess and him sitting there playing games. No attempt to clean up. Then later that night he asked me to get him something and I just snapped. Was sick of being his slave and told him no. I then got told off by my parents and to get him it. I did and then just went away and didn't speak to him for the rest of the night.

I am just sick of him not listening and clearly nagging him isn't working. Anyone know of a way to actually get him to listen to me and to help me, stop hurting me etc. Am I being unreasonable, should I be treating him as a guest? I don't think I should, he's been there for months.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 24/03/2018 10:45

Why are you moving in with this man?
End it.

SevenStones · 24/03/2018 10:47

He is doing it deliberately. You need to get away from him, not move in with him.

userabcname · 24/03/2018 10:48

Why are you with him? I definitely wouldn't move in with him! I would end it.

PositivelyPERF · 24/03/2018 10:48

FFS OP! Run away. This prick is abusing you emotionally and testing to see when he can start the full on emotional abuse. I guarantee he will break you within months if moving in together and you will end up a shadow of yourself. Get away from him.

Olicity17 · 24/03/2018 10:48

You dont need the make him listen. You need to dump him.

Jon66 · 24/03/2018 10:49

What are you doing with your life? It will only get worse.

PositivelyPERF · 24/03/2018 10:49

Sorry I mean ‘testing to see when he can start the full on physical abuse’.

DoneAdulting · 24/03/2018 10:49

He sounds like a 14 year old. Is he unemployed?

Don't move him with him, he will only get worse.

BettyBaggins · 24/03/2018 10:54

He is an irresponsible and has physically hurt you. No no no. You deserve better, far better.

LoveBakeOff · 24/03/2018 10:58

He is employed but works from home.

See my parents think I have a good guy here and love him and tell me off when I get annoyed at him over this stuff, which makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable. They think I am driving him away.

When he does listen he's really nice. But just tired of repeating myself. If I hadn't of had to repeat myself numerous times, I wouldn't now have an implant stuck in my arm.

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 24/03/2018 10:58

The implant thing is physical abuse.

He does something, you tell him it hurts you, and he deliberately does it again and again. Whether he says he's doing it to hurt you or says it's an accident, it's abuse.

You deserve better, and you need to get rid of him.
If that seems difficult or impossible, keep seeking support here.

Read this:www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

IWantMyHatBack · 24/03/2018 11:00

Your parents attitude isn't helping you here either, yes he's a technically a guest but he's living there and should be pulling his weight.

Kick the lazy fucker out, do not move in with this man. If this is how he behaves when he's a guest, he's not going to be any better when you're sharing a house together.

He's treating you like his skivvy. Get rid of the twat.

Afterthestorm · 24/03/2018 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dirtybadger · 24/03/2018 11:27

Your parents might change their tune if they knew he was hurting you. I have an implant and fiddle with it a lot, he must be pushing is pretty hard to actually move it- there is no way he thinks it wouldnt hurt or that he does it by accident!

Chuck him out.

EyepatchOfTravis · 24/03/2018 11:30

This sounds awful op Shock

If this was a friend of yours rather than you, would you think they deserved this treatment? It sounds like you really need to have some support to work on your self esteem. Anxiety and low self-esteem is horrible. Been there are totally relate. You are vulnerable at the moment, but without toxic people in your life you can heal. You are worth so much more than this!

I find what you write about him pushing your implant into your arm and pulling your hair really concerning. The frequency of these occurrences sounds like continual testing to see what you will put up with, which is very scary.

Continually putting you down for everything isn't a 'joke'. It is emotional abuse. The fact that he knows you don't like it and you are anxious with low self esteem makes it even more inexcusable. A loving partner would be building you up. Not tearing you down.

That's without all the additional manchild stuff he's pulling.

What exactly does he bring to this relationship?

It doesn't matter what your parents think about him. They are not having a relationship with him - you are. I am absolutely staggered that they are sticking up for this specimen.

Please look after yourself and don't move in with him. You deserve to be loved and cherished. Don't settle for this shit Flowers

MyBrilliantDisguise · 24/03/2018 11:34

Blimey, he's absolutely awful! Please don't move in with him.

And your parents really worry me - I think you should move into a place of your own, OP. As I was reading this I was thinking, "If this was my daughter's boyfriend, I'd make him leave" and then read that they are blaming you!

No wonder you're accept his bad treatment of you, when your parents disrespect you.

Time to move out and find friends who respect you and love you, OP.

ChickenMom · 24/03/2018 11:36

No no no! Don’t put up with this! Get rid of him! Do you want this for the rest of your life!!! NO!!

SlowlyShrinking · 24/03/2018 11:39

He’s a horrible horrible person. I’d be wondering why your parents aren’t listening to you, and why your boyfriend isn’t either? Is there a pattern emerging here?

Cricrichan · 24/03/2018 11:47

Woah. He is physically abusing you. Deliberately hurting your arm and hurting your head when he pulls your hair. Getting you to do everything whilst he does nothing, keeping you awake all night. And this is in your parents house when he would be on his best behaviour.

And your parents' attitude is really really worrying. Noone would think that man would be good for their child!!

Move out on your own and maybe speak to someone why you think this is an acceptable way to treat you and also about your childhood.

Sarsparella · 24/03/2018 11:54

Do not move in with him!

Imagine, he’s going to sit at home working all day, whilst making a huge mess which he won’t clear up abd expect you to do it when you get in

Doing that to your implant is horrendous, wtf did he think he was doing? Do your parents know?

Ignore your parents, you’re not his bloody slave & their attitude isn’t helping at all

Can you afford the flat on your own? Or can you just pull out?

Moving in with this idiot is a huge mistake, get rid now while it’s easier

Sabistick · 24/03/2018 12:04

He is your boyfriend, a year is no time at all, he isn't making the cut really, is he? Make him an ex and move on. It might be a little awkward because he stays over, and has his feet under the table, but really, just tell your parents you are breaking up with him (if they are on your side they can field calls , move his stuff out etc) and then do the break up thing with him. It won't get better if you stay together.

Sabistick · 24/03/2018 12:06

Sorry just read your parents are less supportive.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/03/2018 12:10

I agree with Brilliant
You need to move out on your own. Your parents are complicit in enabling his vile treatment of you. You may need a serious recalibration of your relationship with your parents- cut the apron strings that seem your parents are holding onto.

Do not worry about where this bloke will move to, that is his problem. If your parents like him so much, let them tend to his every whim.

They (parents) are treating you like a scapegoat. Was this your childhood role? He sees this and is continuing the dynamic with their encouragement. How maddening!
Yes, it is physical and emotional abuse. I bet he will be financially abusing you in time as well.

Doing the opposite of what you ask is really juvenile. Physically hurting you in this (these!) ways is grooming you for further more serious assaults. He can go have his “jokes” with someone else”

Enough is enough. You don’t need a big showdown. Make your plans quietly and then one day just go.

NotTakenUsername · 24/03/2018 12:11

I’m do upset about your parents behaviour. And of course your partners behaviour. No wonder your self esteem is shot to shit. None of this is ok. Flowers

MistressDeeCee · 24/03/2018 12:16

Move out on your own, let him stay with your parents if they adore him so much. I can't fathom why you're planning to move in with this idiot. Don't you want a good life? Why ruin it by shacking up with this lazy, abusive slob? You've had loads of good advice on this thread and I hope you take it on board. He's not the only man in the world, there are decent men out there that are worth being with.

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