Partner not listening

[LoveBakeOff]

Been with my boyfriend now for almost a year and we are moving in together soon.

But his attitude towards me is getting tiring. He says he is just having a laugh and I shouldn't take it seriously, but he blames me for literally everything. If anything goes wrong, it's my fault. If he does something wrong, it's my fault. It's always something I did. Even if it is a joke, I hate it. I've told him this a million times and he keeps doing it. He also calls me useless frequently for the same things. My self esteem isn't great and this doesn't help.

He just doesn't listen in general. I have the implant in my arm for contraception and I told him this, told him to avoid touching it, so what does he do? Presses down on it a lot. Pushes it, not deliberately I think, he's just rough and when cuddling me from behind on bed, will push his hand against it. Its now hurting my arm because he has pushed it do far into my arm, I'm not even sure how the doctor is going to remove it anymore. Every time he pushed it, I told him to stop it and he said he would then does it again the next day. He also likes to play with my hair, but usually pulls it, again same thing, tell him to stop, he doesn't.

He is generally lazy too, doesn't clean up, leaves my room in a mess (we stay with my parents fit now) and all he does all day is play games and watch YouTube. I do everything, all cleaning etc have to bring him stuff because he is a 'guest' according to my parents. He then watches YouTube all night which keeps me awake, but he doesn't care about that either. It's only ever about him. He can't sleep so needs to watch YouTube. Sod me that has to get up at 5.

He annoyed me through the process of finding somewhere to live too. He barely helped even though I was stressed about other things too, just left it all to me. The other day, I finally got something sorted, came home from a busy day at work to find my room in a mess and him sitting there playing games. No attempt to clean up. Then later that night he asked me to get him something and I just snapped. Was sick of being his slave and told him no. I then got told off by my parents and to get him it. I did and then just went away and didn't speak to him for the rest of the night.

I am just sick of him not listening and clearly nagging him isn't working. Anyone know of a way to actually get him to listen to me and to help me, stop hurting me etc. Am I being unreasonable, should I be treating him as a guest? I don't think I should, he's been there for months.

I have a sneaking suspicion he thinks if he can damage your implant you will get pregnant and then he will well and truly have you trapped, the nasty, bullying, violent, manipulative, cock lodging, lazy bastard. But I’m sure other than that he’s lovely. 🤨

Tell your parents if they love him so much they are welcome to him, but you have too much self respect to permit yourself to be abused.

If you can afford to move out, then do it. Even if it means living in a shared house. Take your time and pick somewhere you think you’ll be happy, pack your bags and go when the lazy wanker is out of the house. I wouldn’t even tell your parents until you are heading out of the door, because they will try to bully you out of leaving or make you take him with you. They can have fun looking after him, clearing up after him, cooking for him, etc, then trying to get him out when they realise what a wanker he is.

He's biding his time, OP. Waiting until he's got you all to himself in your nice new place. And then he'll stop working, he won't lift a finger, he'll be hitting you, shouting at you and, guess what? It will all be your fault.

Get shot of him NOW.

Your parents have brought you up to think this is normal behaviour? It's not.

I don't think that he wouldn't actually deliberately hurt me as in punch me, although I know everyone says that.

Really I think he is slightly autistic and doesn't understand people very well, he doesn't understand reactions well. It's not an excuse but why I think he is like this.

I don't know why my parents are the way they are, although they don't know about the physical stuff other than the hair pulling. They've never been very emotional towards me, my mum in particular tells me frequently about how pretty or thin other girls are, but never compliments me. She doesn't say anything nasty other than tells me I should wear make up.

I don't have much choice now for moving out, and I can't afford to on my own. He wouldn't stop working or ask me for money, he knows most of my money goes on my hobby. If he gets worse I'll leave, just hoping he'll get better.

Please, please don’t move in with this guy. Dressing up calling you useless and blaming things on you as ‘having a laugh’. Having no respect for your living space, or your need to sleep. Hurting you ‘by accident’ (and I am absolutely positive, these are not accidents).

There are so many red flags here. And your parents are not helping - please don’t listen to them.

These are the things he is doing to mess with your head, and physically hurt you, while living with your parents and been either you got a pretty short time. Can you imagine how much worse things could get if you move into your iwn home together? It’s a scary thought.

Abusive people are nice some of the time. That’s how they get you to stay. And there is no doubt at all that this guy is abusive. Run for the hills. This can only get worse.

Hoping isn’t going to help is it?

What a vile man.

If you don’t want to move out, end the relationship then he can move out. You don’t have to be with him you know, whatever your parents say or think.

But what is his incentive to get 'better', OP? What would he gain from starting to pull his weight around the house? If he doesn't care about the state of your room now, he's not going to suddenly think 'oh, I'd better start working harder/not sitting up playing games all night/cleaning up/doing laundry', is he? Why would he? He's got the life of Reilly and you doing all the housework.

If you really want to try to make him understand (and I think he understands pretty well already, but, hey) try telling him how it's going to be when you're in your new place. HE IS going to do housework/go to bed at a reasonable time/do laundry etc. It won't work, but you will have tried.

And your mum sounds awful, for the record.

OK, it might be interesting to understand him from a distance but he really isn't a keeper. Or even a stop gap, you can do so much better, don't let him be your only experience of boyfriend "affection".

He is deliberately hurting you. He’s just going it in an underhand way, so if you accuse him, he can claim it’s all an accident/he forgot/ he was just giving you an enthusiastic hug.

I’m not convinced that being slightly autistic means that he can’t remember to be gentle with your arm.

You are only a year in - you shouldn’t be having to hope this gets better this early on. It is not going to get better.

What work is he doing from your bedroom which takes so little of his energy that he is up all night?

Op, this man is physically abusing you. If you have told him that touching your arm hurts he should make sure that never happens again. This is deliberate. If a 10 year old kept repeating this behaviour, would you put up with it? He is a grown man. Who cares if he's autistic? Stop making excuses for him.

This behaviour will only get worse. Get out of this relationship. Before that, kick him in the nuts. When he says it hurts, say ooops, i wont do that again. Then kick him in the nuts again. Apologise and repeat. See how the prick likes it

Really, put off moving in together. So many things are wrong here.

I don't think that he wouldn't actually deliberately hurt me as in punch me

He is already deliberately hurting you. How many women do you think would stay with a man who just out right punched them first?

It doesn't start that way. It is a slow, gradual push of your boundaries so that by the time the punch does come you cannot escape easily.

He is abusing you mentally and physically already and you don't even live together.

Don't move in with him, you will be putting him at your mercy.

Of course you have a choice. Don't move in with him, move somewhere cheaper if you can't afford to live alone, find a room to rent. Don't assume he will get better; he won't, he will get worse. And you will be stuck.

Sorry that should be you will be putting yourself at his mercy!

And please don't excuse his abusive behaviour by saying he's a bit autistic. That's massively offensive as well as completely not true.

Really I think he is slightly autistic and doesn't understand people very well

Stop making excuses for him. My 22yr old has just emptied and refilled the dishwasher for me because I ‘looked tired’. She has autism and learning difficulties. If you’re not going to dump him, then goid luck, and we’ll be here to listen when the physical abuse gets more severe. It will, it ABSOLUTELY WILL get more severe. You have a chance to get out before that happens and you’re a fool if you stay. Good luck OP. You’re going to need it.

OP. If you have children with this man, and he hurts them ‘accidentally’, pressing their immunisation shots, brushing agains their scabs so the crust gets knocked off time and again before they finally get to heal... what then?

When he tells them they are useless, then when they start to cry or look forlorn, he laughs and says he we was ‘only joking’... what then?

When they are snuggled up watching CBeebies and he plays with their hair and then pulls it... what then?

And you can’t say he won’t because you believe he has no control over this behaviour.

Agee with AdalindSchade And positively perf.

Trying to excuse his behaviour by labelling him ‘a bit Autistic’ is very insulting.

You're making excuses for a man any woman with sense wouldn't touch with a bargepole. I didn't know "a bit autistic". = abusive, lazy slob. He sounds repulsive in attitude and behaviour. Unusually enough, of 3 autistic people I know very well - none of them behave anything like this at all.

& I doubt you're qualified to diagnose Autism.

You've said your boyfriend "doesn't listen". Well then it's up to you whether you want to "listen" to what so many posters are saying to you. Of course you don't have to listen and you can go into a nightmare life with this man. When you come out the other side it's people who will take time to listen that will be there for you

I have a friend whose boyfriend treats her badly and she’s diagnosed him with Asperger’s. Now, she may be correct, or she may not be, but the fact remains that he treats her like shit. Whether he’s got some form of ASD or not is neither here nor there. He CHOOSES to treat her like shit.

He won’t change or get better tgsn this, why would he? He has no incentive to and doesn’t listen to anything you’ve told him or asked of him so far

If you could afford to move out with him you could afford a shared house, look at m.spareroom.co.uk

And being autistic isn’t an excuse for his behaviour at all, he just sounds awful

OP...please please don't move in with this man.

If he gets worse you'll leave? So you're accepting a certain level of shit behaviour as normal? Please consider talking to a counsellor about your self esteem issues and leave him. He's an idiot.