DH threw my phone at the wall

[2amdilemma]

NC for this. 6wk old baby having issues with BF - have cracked/infected nipples. Have held the baby all day but I have been in pain all day with shooting pains in nipple and just wanted to put steroid cream on the weeping sores so had to put baby down while I did it. She cried for about 5/10 mins when DH came in from the spare bedroom picks her up and started berating me for not holding her and letting her cry. Told him I needed to get things done then I'll grab her. She was fed, had a clean nappy and just had a bit of wind that normally gets itself up after I lay her flat. Nothing was wrong with her. Also around 1am she becomes fussy and I normally rock her to soothe her but again was in so much pain I had to put the cream on.

He gets angry tells me to hold her and I said no, put her down she's fine I'll take her when I'm done. He throws her on to the bed then throws my phone across the room. Proceeds to blame me for not expressing so I wouldn't get the nipple pain, gets an inch away from my face telling me I'm a shit mum for letting her cry, that he needs to sleep he has work, I never let our eldest cry so why am I damaging our youngest by letting her cry.

Long story short I didn't engage and told him to put her on the bed - he threw my phone again 2 more times while saying he doesn't give a shit he'll throw it til it cracks and kicked a box of nappies, chucked my clothes on the floor and tried to physically put the baby on me while I was trying to get dressed, insulted my job prospects and told me I can't cope with more than one child.

Worst thing is I bet tomorrow he will wake up and think he was in the right for "protecting" the baby. It didn't do her any harm and I wasn't putting her in any danger but he won't get it.

Baby is fine now, she fell asleep after being in the sling while I cleaned up downstairs. I just don't know what to do. First time it's happened with kids, and I won't take job stress as an excuse for his behaviour. I just know I won't be able to get him to understand nothing wrong happened?! He's stubborn. Even if he apologises I don't think I would forgive him.

I know full well this is abusive behaviour, and he's not like this as a person but seriously what gives him the right to act the way he did? What do you even do when it's a one off like this?

Don't kid yourself that this is a one off. If you accept it and do nothing he will get like this again. You need to get rid, he sounds like a complete arsehole.

Take the baby to the doctor /a&e today. It will be recorded. He needs to know you will not ever, not one single time, allow any rough handling of your tiny baby. Message him that you got baby checked out after his treatment last night. He also needs to know that everyone in he world will know who is the bad parent outof the two of you if he kicks off, and it won’t be you.

Are there any friends or family you can go to OP? Tell your Health Visitor. You and the baby are both at risk.

I understand why you're minimising his behaviour, you (think) you love him, you're scared of doing it alone.

However, his behaviour isn't a 'one off', its a return. Now it's happened you're leaving yourself, and your children in an incredibly vulnerable and dangerous position if you don't deal with it.

Dropping a newborn from a foot high is at best risky, at worst potentially lethal.

Shouting at you regarding your parenting skills and job ability and demeaning your value is certainly abusive behaviour.

What if your older child entered the room and was scared during this interaction. How would he have handled that? After all, he struggles to sooth a crying newborn.

He worries me. Hell, he seems to worry all of us.

You need to look at this with fresh eyes, and imagine how you would feel if your child came to you in 20 years with this same story about their partner. What would you advise them to do?

It's very difficult to leave when you have a new baby and you're sick. Reporting his behaviour to the HV and having it on record might be a good idea, but if he knows that's happened it could tip him over the edge. OP is in a very vulnerable position, with a toddler and a new baby. In her shoes I'd try to find someplace to stay 'to give us both a break', but take the time to look at her options.

Have you family nearby that you could stay with, have a chance to distance yourself from the situation?

I've been in a similar place (though my baby wasn't bounced off the bed!) and the relationship never recovered - he had complete contempt for me from then on, no respect whatsoever. You're vulnerable, and he's in the position of power in his own mind.

As well as the potential whiplash/baby brain sloshing around backwards and forwards because of being bounced onto a bed...

A phone (hard, heavy object) could easily have ricocheted off the wall and hit baby

Do you have any family nearby that you can go to?

You must go to them if you can and show your husband you will not tolerate this. Ever.

I personally would not report this to a HV or A&E yet. But I would be gone with the children by the time he goes home. This is a test from your husband to see what you will tolerate. The next step is beating. He will not allow you out to see friends because he will not look after the children. The children will be used as the excuse to trap you and isolate you. He is already saying you have no job prospects.

This will be your life if you do not strike out now. Take back the power. I really can't urge you to do this enough, before the opportunity is lost and you are trapped.

He throws her on to the bed
he aggressively plonked her down from about a foot higher than the mattress

She's 6 weeks old, it amounts to the same thing. He apparently doesn't have arms than can hold a child?

he's not like this as a person
He clearly is.

As a minimum I'd ask him to leave for a few weeks for space or go myself. Maybe that time will give you perspective on just how bad things have got.

He can't even accept responsibility for hos own behaviour

'tried to physically put the baby on me while I was trying to get dressed,'

Shudder

For the sake of you and dc tell RL person today

I know you're saying this is an one-off but you're already conditioned to make excuses and minimise which hints that you've always known he was like this.
I don't think you appreciate how shocking this is to read. I can only imagine how horrible it was to be in the middle of it.
Even trying to physically latch your baby on to you could have hurt her (as well as showing a complete disrespect for your bodily automny).

You need to tell someone in RL - for everyone's sake.
For your baby's sake - she deserves to be protected.
For your sake - you deserve to be supported.

Even for your DH's sake - he could seriously hurt your child.If you think that's not who he is then he needs help to see how badly he has acted and support to make sure it doesn't happen again. But he can get that help and support whilst not having access to you and your DCs.

I know telling someone will be frightening but you have to act like the responsible adult in this situation because there is no-one else to step up.

I haven't read the whole thread. I don't need to. Sorry to sound melodramatic but the man I knew who behaved like this killed his very young baby. "By accident".

Honestly, everyone on here is correct and you need to leave. I have been in an abusive relationship and everything you are saying is textbook - both physical and emotional abuse. The fact he dropped your baby IN ANGER on the bed is disgusting, followed by screaming in your face about your mothering and job prospects. Makes my blood run cold. All of that is done just to demean and humiliate you. The fact that you say he will wake up today and be pleased with himself makes me feel sick to my stomach, because I have been there. It's very easy to say it will not happen again or it will be fine because it's easier to stay and hope things get better or live with a situation you think you deserve, but OP, NO ONE deserves this. Next time he will throw your phone at your face. Next time he will drop the baby and miss the bed. He is a dangerous and violent man because he has dangerous and violent tendencies. It is only now that I am married to a normal and decent man I understand that there is no place for this behaviour anywhere on god's green earth. People who have posted that "it's just stress" or whatever are probably in similarly abusive relationships and just in denial.

If I were you I would take my children to my parent's or friend's for a few nights and make a plan. Or change the locks. I would let him know in no uncertain terms that he dropped your baby, he scared you and belittled you and you are not accepting this behaviour. And I wouldn't be telling him this in the hopes that he would change and not do it again - because he will, regardless of what he says. I would be doing it so he understands I am permanently leaving him. I would even consider reporting to the police as I would want to make sure that he is not allowed unsupervised custody when it comes down to it. As one PP said, babies can die from less.

OP, can I ask you to also think about why he took and damaged your phone? Why do you think he did that?

I would take this as a clear indication that he sees the phone as a way you can have contact with others, or to use it to get help.

Please ask yourself how he helps you with the child, whether you have fewer or more freedoms since being with him (including before you had children). Please think about whether your life has become smaller since knowing him. Do you walk on eggshells around him? Do you worry about keeping the children quiet for fear of him being stressed? When was the last time you had some time for yourself (cracked nipples aside) and where he pulled his weight? Is your family home one where you feel able to invite friends over? Do you have access to money?

Having small children is very very stressful. But there is never any reason for what he did last night. You are your children are massively at risk.

What happened to you last night happened to me when my children were younger. My husband was violent when he did not get his own way or when he had to do anything he doesn't like doing. Stress is used as the excuse.

Until I showed him what I would not tolerate, it was awful here. And I will never forget who he really is. Even if I am still here, albeit with firm boundaries and zero tolerance. This is about power.

He throws her* on to the bed then throws my phone across the room.*

What a vile human being?! LTB!! Get out while you can before he gets worse with his abuse!!

This is an extremely worrying situation.

Not sure how things are this morning, but he certainly cannot claim to be protecting the baby when he treated her that way.

How are things OP?

I'd have packed up clothes and essential, woken up toddler and put baby and toddler in car with blankets then headed to my nearest relative, so when he woke up, he'd be alone.

Pack up, go stay with a relative. Repeat his actions back to him in writing and do not go back until he starts seeing someone about anger issues or sits down and discusses the childcare and appropriate responses.

I'd a baby is never put down, they will never learn to settle without being rocked and you just can't do that with a toddler.

Just caught up on all this, went to get some sleep so only just woke up. He's gone to work, no message of apology or anything, haven't spoken since the argument.

Thanks for your messages, I know it's so hard to articulate situations over the internet, but to answer some questions: I'll get baby checked out, she has her appt today anyway. he's not someone who would stop me seeing friends or having friends over, he advocates socialising. I don't worry about keeping the kids quiet for fear of stressing him out or walk on eggshells around him, I do have access to money. I won't leave so he would have the house because he would actually love having the place to himself for a night - he'll call some friends over. I may just change the locks and then leave to stay somewhere. We're not in any danger despite how the OP reads, he's got a large close knit family so if anything did happen to the kids they would all turn on him. I've got my friends who are only a phone call away

He insults my job prospects because it makes him feel validated in what he's doing, I.e. working and bringing in the money but not helping much around the house, no other reason. Makes him feel superior because he's got a better job than I have - I've always worked and this is only his second job so I think this is him trying to compensate or make himself feel better. Again his comments make fuck all difference to me because I know he can't deal with the stress that comes with a job and he's just trying to get under my skin. And again if I applied myself I know I would get further than him on the career ladder but it comes with the cost of not spending a lot of time with the kids and I don't want to make that compromise until they're in school.

I don't remember who mentioned the phone ricocheted off and hitting baby but the second time that happened it did bounce off the floor and into the wall then back into the floor.

I have friends and family nearby and I've told a friend about this too. I'll talk to the HV today at the appt about my options after telling her what happened. Thanks all for taking the time to reply

OP that's all great. But don't rely on his family turning on him if something happens. By then it will be too late, and families rarely actually turn on a perpetrator unless his guilt is beyond the most credulous idiot's doubt. And even then.,..

Please ensure you follow through on any advice, even having him prosecuted. I have clients who didn't do this, for the best of reasons, only to find their kids on he Child Protection plans and their own parenting on the stand.

Good luck.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry to read your post and update, what a horrible thing to have to go through. It's so, so hard to be able to step back and really see what's going on, but my only additional input would be to question some of the more subtle behaviour (rather than the throwing) eg. why he would want to say things to 'get under your skin'? - the two of you should be a partnership, supporting and loving each other.
Why would he put all the focus on your mothering skills with absolutely no attempt to help as a father?

There's no doubt that the early days with a baby can be extremely tough and cause many arguments in a relationship, but this is just beyond anything that could ever be ok.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if your husband had walked in whilst you were putting on cream, given you a hug and a kiss and asked if you were ok, and picked up the baby to try and soothe her while you sorted yourself out? It could be like that, but not with him. You deserve better.
Huge hugs xx

Please do speak to your HV having a baby is stressful but his reactions are very worrying OP and I don't think they can be classed as "normal" please speak to someone in RL and make sure you and your children are safe. His behaviour is not acceptable

“I've got my friends who are only a phone call away”

How exactly are you going to call them when he’s throwing your phone around? He’s not likely to give it back to you so you can call for help, is he? He’s more likely to break it.

A foot higher than the mattress is still a long drop for a new born.Id think v seriously as to whether you should be in this relationship

Glad you've told people OP

BUT

don't assume the only people who abuse their partners or children are ones without families to disapprove of it. It isn't that simple.