DH threw my phone at the wall

[2amdilemma]

NC for this. 6wk old baby having issues with BF - have cracked/infected nipples. Have held the baby all day but I have been in pain all day with shooting pains in nipple and just wanted to put steroid cream on the weeping sores so had to put baby down while I did it. She cried for about 5/10 mins when DH came in from the spare bedroom picks her up and started berating me for not holding her and letting her cry. Told him I needed to get things done then I'll grab her. She was fed, had a clean nappy and just had a bit of wind that normally gets itself up after I lay her flat. Nothing was wrong with her. Also around 1am she becomes fussy and I normally rock her to soothe her but again was in so much pain I had to put the cream on.

He gets angry tells me to hold her and I said no, put her down she's fine I'll take her when I'm done. He throws her on to the bed then throws my phone across the room. Proceeds to blame me for not expressing so I wouldn't get the nipple pain, gets an inch away from my face telling me I'm a shit mum for letting her cry, that he needs to sleep he has work, I never let our eldest cry so why am I damaging our youngest by letting her cry.

Long story short I didn't engage and told him to put her on the bed - he threw my phone again 2 more times while saying he doesn't give a shit he'll throw it til it cracks and kicked a box of nappies, chucked my clothes on the floor and tried to physically put the baby on me while I was trying to get dressed, insulted my job prospects and told me I can't cope with more than one child.

Worst thing is I bet tomorrow he will wake up and think he was in the right for "protecting" the baby. It didn't do her any harm and I wasn't putting her in any danger but he won't get it.

Baby is fine now, she fell asleep after being in the sling while I cleaned up downstairs. I just don't know what to do. First time it's happened with kids, and I won't take job stress as an excuse for his behaviour. I just know I won't be able to get him to understand nothing wrong happened?! He's stubborn. Even if he apologises I don't think I would forgive him.

I know full well this is abusive behaviour, and he's not like this as a person but seriously what gives him the right to act the way he did? What do you even do when it's a one off like this?

That's a Grim read Op

Get RL help

He's an abusive scumbag

He could kill your baby. Do you know how little their bodies can take before serious harm is done?

This is him. Fuck your phone. Your baby's safety and even life is at stake and he's using her to get you in line. Put her first.

This is terrifying to read. Do you have any idea how fragile a 6 week old baby is? Dropped with force on a bed?

Get your kids and get out.

He isn't safe to be around your baby and he's minimising your physical pain (I remember that pain well I found it much worse than childbirth/c section)

But mostly he is putting your baby at risk and you're going to keep going with how it was a one off but honestly once is once too many times with a tiny baby.

Fuck me

I get that you’re sleep deprived and struggling to cope with a newborn and an abusive twat of a husband, but you’re not thinking straight are you?

LTB

This is not acceptable in any way.

He needs serious help and you need to get away from him ASAP. This is a warning sign.....please take it as such!

There's no way to minimise what he did to the baby either.

You should also take your baby to A&E to ensure there is no damage.

It is very hard to know if a new born is ok after an assault like this just by looking.

If you aren't sure I am right, ask your GP or HV.

It all depends on the context, to me. If he is usually a very loving father/husband, I would write this off

As you said OP, this isn’t a one off, he’s broken stuff before whilst you weee dating, and he’s started to minimise your role as a mum on maternity leave!

Worse than that you’ve been conditioned not to see him as a bad person and you’re not focussed on how he treated your baby. I’d have gone fucking ballistic if anyone rough handled my baby! You’ve mentioned it in passing then tried to make excuses and minimise what he did.

You need to get help NOW!

This not a one off.

I agree with previous posters. The aggressive reaction to your baby - he could have held and soothed the baby whilst you sorted what you needed to - is unacceptable and dangerous.

In addition, he has thrown things and he is also undermining your self-esteem both as a mother and as a member of society/work more generally. One way in which abusive men control women is to criticise them as mothers. It works because you re-double your efforts to be a ‘good mother’ and become defensive about the fact you are a ‘good mother’ and this then detracts from the point he is being a really awful father.

You say he was violent previously, he is still violent now. But you are not describing a one off, you are describing violence within a larger pattern of psychological abuse. He is not supporting or protecting you, he is undermining you and worst of all, he is using a six week old baby to exert power over you.

He threw a 6 week old baby on the bed??? Get rid of him, that is a alarm bell! That's child abuse

I saw you said he used to do this before in college; so it's not a one off is it? It's something you've been aware of for years. Its a reaction to you and your children that he uses and you've been accepting. Can you stay with family or friends? Please take this as seriously as all the posters here do and leave this relationship

Good point about getting the baby checked out

Branston's advice is really poor. Throwing your baby is not the actions of a normally loving father. Berating you and abusing you when you are in pain is not the actions of a normally loving husband.
He did this, this is who he is.
Shaken baby syndrome doesn't mean the baby needs to be genuinely shaken like a doll. One rough jerk can cause huge damage. His instinct was to throw the baby because he was focused on how angry he was with you and with her for crying.

Really sort you're going through this at the moment. Please please consider the massive impact of what he did with your tiny baby - one foot off the bed is such a height for someone so tiny and the damage it can cause is immense, and if he can do that once it can and will happen again! Protect your little one. Get RL help it is needed!

Really sorry ^

he's never hit me, broken stuff in anger while we were dating in college. It's been a hell of a long time since I've seen him this aggressive though - over a decade. I just can't wrap my head around why the same behaviour has returned

Read your last word in that sentence OP -RETURNED. Just because this form of abuse has lain dormant for a decade or so does not mean he has changed. I have experienced this, the abuse just changes in other ways, you may or may not see it BUT you will excuse it.

Please, please, please think carefully about what you need to do next for you and your DCs. My advice would be to get out as I can tell you it doesn't get any better and no amount of minimising or making excuses will make it any different.

The only level of abuse acceptable within a relationship is NONE. He has not changed a jot since you were dating him.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting here and I would urge you to seek their help. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

What do you get out of this relationship now, you have stated you know this is abusive. Throwing your stuff is an example of domestic violence and his actions towards you and your six week old child are unacceptable.

Time to plan your exit now from this relationship before he does you and or your children serious physical and emotional damage. You certainly do not want to teach them such damaging lessons on relationships.

Hi OP, this sounded a tiny bit familiar to me, when my second was about 6 weeks maybe (now 10.5 months) my husband became very angry and irrational and did some similarly borderline things. Luckily he realised he wasn't himself and went to the GP, ended up taking St John wart which can help low mood and going on a course of counselling. Might be worth a chat about how he's feeling in general, when you're both calm. I still don't really understand what the crap was up with him! But luckily it got sorted and he's learnt some useful skills for life.

Stop lying to yourself that this is a one off.

Call the health visitor and tell her that your husband's old violence is back.

Well done for writing it down.

First share that written record with your HV then talk it through. She should be helpful about next steps and support you.

He sounds completely unsupportive (why couldn't he hold the baby for five mins in a 24 hour period? Why is it ALL your job?), aggressive and dangerous.

On the plus side, if you're doing everything anyway, you won't miss him.

Sleep deprivation is horrible but nothing excuses throwing a baby.

He needs to sort his shit out or get the fuck out. This is simply not acceptable behaviour. He should be helpful and supportive towards you and the baby not making you feel like this.

Op. Please GET OUT.

I agree with the above. There is a difference between someone shouting out of sleep deprivation and someone throwing a baby down on the bed and repeatedly smashing a phone and telling the mother they are worthless basically.

He's be gone! Also agree that if be more concerned at what he's done to our baby than my phone

Get out now!
This is not about the phone.

Oh Op. How scary for you. This guy should have picked up and cuddled the baby not thrown her and the rest.
He sounds very dangerous.
It's a scary thought to try and cope with a newborn and toddler? alone, but it must be better than this? Do you have any family nearby to help? Please talk to your hv. It doesn't have to be like this.