New boyfriend just went totally ballistic

[Scornedwoman67]

Need your advice please ladies...
Been seeing this bloke for a couple of months. He's 55 so not a child! Last week he lost his job. He works in finance, successful career behind him. Divorced with two teenagers, one lives with him. Appears to get on ok with the ex.
I had noticed a couple of times he'd been a bit 'tetchy' about impending job loss which was brought about, so he told me, by a new office manager he'd crossed swords with. She had accused him of 'being aggressive' which he appeared to be really genuinely shocked & surprised by. Fast forward to this week, he had a meeting with his boss at which it turned out that one of his colleagues who he had considered a friend, had backed up her version of events.
I haven't seen him since Monday but obviously we have kept in regular contact & I have been really supportive & tried to be as helpful/understanding as I can.
This morning he messages me to say he was feeling down. I'm at work so send him a big virtual hug & offer to meet him for lunch.
Ten minutes later I get a random message which says ' I want xxx (colleague) sorted out'
I replied 'what do you mean by that?'
What followed has utterly astonished me. A tirade of aggressive texts, saying how he wants to basically flatten this bloke, how unsupportive I am, don't understand, am passive (because I said violence is not the answer) and eventually finished off with 'ok ta ta then have a nice life with your cats'
WTAF??
How can someone intelligent & with an apparently successful career and two kids etc go from appearing quite normal to behaving like a five year-old?
He has not apologised- in fact this evening he's carried on ranting because I've been 'ignoring' him this afternoon.
Nope, just at work & not putting up with his shit. He doesn't seem to have any comprehension that his messages were utterly OTT and even slightly sinister.
I'm flabbergasted. Every single bloke I've met in the past ten tears ends up with either more baggage than Gatwick Airport or, as appears here, is a complete psycho.
Assume the general consensus here will be that I bin him fast....?
I'm so fed up as yet another one bites the dust.

Been seeing this bloke for a couple of months. He's 55 so not a child! Last week he lost his job. He works in finance, successful career behind him. Divorced with two teenagers, one lives with him. Appears to get on ok with the ex.

This is so weird, because I know a man who fits this description EXACTLY. Same age mid 50's, lost his job in finance through his temper and aggression, divorced with 2 teens, etc etc. And he has dated several women over the past 2 years, and every one had not lasted more than 2-3 months.

He also is an angry little shit, and has the maturity of a 17 year old boy. He plays loud music, and the neighbours are not keen on him. He is weird and creepy, and I do not like him at all He sound sooooo much like this man you met, it's uncanny!

You dodged a bullet all right. I am middle aged and have been with DH for nearly 30 years, and I would HATE to be out there looking for a man again if we split, after all the things I read on here. There was was tale on here not long back about a woman aged 52, who met a man aged 56, (on tinder,) who bought her a couple of drinks, then saw fit to drive to a country lane, and force her down onto the back seat, and try and jump her. When she pushed him off he basically said she should be grateful for the attention. Cunt.

She was horrified (understandably.) I was shocked, as the man was 4 years off 60. I don't expect men to behave like that at that age (naive maybe.)

Yeah block him OP! Hope you meet someone nice soon.

He’s shown his true colours.

Block him and move on.

I think you should follow his advice and have a nice life with your cats.

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother trying to find a nice man. If one pops up then great but otherwise I’d stick with the moggies.

There are anger management agencies that specifically do not counsel men like this, as they don't change. He's frightened a woman at work - I'm so glad they got rid of him. You need to do the same, and contact the police if he starts threatening you.

Most of this type act clever and intelligent - and charming, too. They talk their way into jobs and relationship but can't maintain their false face for long. The devil doesn't show his horns when he wants to get to you, so they say.

I know it's stereotypical but I'm wary of men in their 50s. If they're not where they want to be at that stage in life they're like dynamite waiting to go off, feeling life hasn't dealt them a fair hand. Angry at women, the world, anyone they feel has life better than them. Never acknowledge their own actions along the way may have played a part.

The nice men I know that age are married or in LTR, and stable and/or have hobbies and a social life. The single ones I know who actually seem decent don't really want a relationship, just a companion no marriage or living together/setting up home

Anyway you've had a wake-up call thankfully. & I guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs until Mr Right comes along

Just sent you a PM kimanda

Mistress, they're not where they want to be at that stage in life they're like dynamite waiting to go off, feeling life hasn't dealt them a fair hand. Angry at women, the world, anyone they feel has life better than them

This is so accurate, as ex aged (despite having a very successful career) he was full of resentment about how his life was..not sure where he thought he should be but he had no money worries, nice house, 3 dcs, hobbies etc but he appeared to be envious of others and chasing something.There is the stereotype of grumpy old men and I think it can be true.

This is why widowers get snapped up so fast - they’re the only men in their age group who come with some sort of guarantee that they’re liveable with.

I’m sure your cats are lovely OP.

That is interesting DeeCee. I didn't realise that.
I sort of hope that somewhere out there is the occasional example of a bloke who has just had a rough time like me and is looking for an honest partner and uncomplicated relationship.
Until I find him though it's just me, the kids & the cats 😺

They are outside
Similar to most men in many ways- happy as long as they are fed.
With the added bonus that they don't sulk, strop or snore.

Respond with a 'miaow'

Then block.

There are some lovely men, have faith!

Unfortunately I met a widower who turned out to be a complete head case. Similar to your guy OP, angry at the whole world.
It turned out him and his late wife used to have physical fights and the adult kids witnessed this all through their 30year marriage.
Initially he came across as normal but it turned out that he was very violent.
As a result of that crazy guy I will never ever want another relationship again.
It took me a good few years to get over the trauma of it all and had to move twice because I was stupid enough to give him a second chance.

Having peace of mind and to feel secure in your own home is worth more that being scared to death by some angry crazy person.

Oh butterfly that is awful. I'm sorry to hear you had such a horrible experience.
It's depressing isn't it. I am fortunate to have a nice home, lovely family and brilliant friends. Just unfortunate in every romantic encounter I've ever had... for variety of different reasons.
Hence considering writing that book !

Classic sociopath.

Now... see... if someone said to me 'ok ta ta then have a nice life with your cats', I'd take it that they'd dumped me. However...

this evening he's carried on ranting because I've been 'ignoring' him this afternoon

So you're not dumped after all; you're still on call, apparently . The goodbye was - what? A threat, seemingly. I remember (and I've recounted this a lot of times, no apology for doing it again) when XH decided to put me back in my box by ringing his sister and telling her we had decided to divorce. It backfired spectacularly because, instead of being devastated and begging him not to do it, I thought it sounded like a splendid idea. I've now been contentedly single (with adult children and cats!) for a decade and can thoroughly recommend it. FWB optional (I didn't bother).

He sounds like a wrong un’

His behaviour under pressure, is such a big red flag

Oh wow, what a twat.

I have met one of those angry men in their 50s, scared the shit out of me. This one bragged about drinking himsef into a state and then driving around at high speed in his massive car to let off steam.

He had lost his license countless times. Made me feel sick for ages, thinking of unsuspecting people he could potentially kill.

OP, you sound level headed and lovely, you will find someone who is not a nutter, but be careful binning this one, he sounds more than slightly deranged. And I agree, he probably won’t ever change.

Run fast, OP. Actually though, I recognise this behaviour. My father is a courtly gentleman until the rage takes over. It cost him 3 marriages. I think people like this were never allowed to express anger in an appropriate way when they were young - their parents thought an angry child was a ‘wilful’ badly behaved child and so administered corporal punishment or they were just taught anger was bad.

As adults they are so ill equipped to deal with anger and it overwhelms them, that they boil over. They tend not to change because that would involve a degree of self-reflection that can be terrifying if you come from that kind of background.

I think you're right, @mimibunz my brother is just like this. We were abused as children and he's never talked about it. He has serious MH issues and can get really angry. I'm virtually NC with him now because I don't want him around my DDs.

Thank you all so much. At least I found out now like you say.
Onwards and upwards, eh!

Well if you get rid of this loser you will be free to look for another relationship. Sounds like you have had a very lucky escape!

OP - don't despair!! I found one but you aren't having him!!! Yes we both have issues of one sort or another but are both level headed and level tempered enough to talk it through ! you sound as though you've had a lucky escape.

Have a nice life with your cats
The implication being that:
1-without him you will be perpetually single
2-the life of a single woman is inevitably weird and sad
(No offence meant to people who enjoy the company of cats)

The truth of course is that:
1-he clearly has major issues which will make it difficult for him to find a happy stable relationship
2-single women tend to be much happier and healthier than single men

ohfortuna: +1

single women tend to be much happier and healthier than single men

Especially single women who have avoided a messy relationship with a nasty individual.