Moving on after having an affair

[Needtomoveon1]

I'd really like some advice and support here, even though I know I don't deserve it and lots of people will want to flame me.

I'm a married man (5 yrs), with one DC, and I had a 6 month affair with another woman that started last year. The other woman is single, says she loves me, and to be honest I think I love her too.... or I'm at least infatuated with her. I ended our affair a few weeks ago and told her that I was going to work on saving my marriage, but I just can't get her out of my mind. I constantly think about her and want to contact her all the time (but I haven't). I've been waiting for things to get better with time but they don't seem to be.

My wife doesn't know and I've decided not to tell her. I know this is controversial and some people will think I should - but if I can resolve all this without causing her pain that seems the best option.

I've not had sex with the OW. We've kissed and been intimate but this affair wasn't about the sex for me. I felt a deep emotional connection with her, and just enjoyed being with her or talking to her. I'm not claiming this is any better (it's not), but I just wanted to provide some context that this wasn't about purely physical stuff.

I want to try and save my marriage, not least for my DC. In hindsight I let things with my wife go stale and we had a passionless marriage. Having a child a few years ago no doubt changed the dynamic of our relationship, and I think we both got lazy and became more like housemates than lovers. The disengagement (on my part) was very gradual and I didn't even realise it was happening until it was too late. The romantic love in our marriage had evaporated and this is what I think the OW provided.

There are of course loads more details in all this that I won't go into in the interests of keeping this post short. My main question is: How do I move on? There must be others out there who have been through similar. Does this get easier or do you always think about your affair partner? Is it possible to save the marriage or have a ruined things?

I'm sorry to all those who have been on the receiving end of affairs, and I really don't want to come across as insensitive. I know what I've done is very wrong and I don't deserve (nor am I looking for) any sympathy. I've made a big mistake and now am in a mess of my own making. Just really want to find my way out of it.

I think you sound pretty self centred op. It's not all about you.
Saying IF you're able to do all those things isn't really good enough.
You need to be certain you actually want to do all those things not sitting wondering if you're even capable of doing them!
You don't seem certain.
Of course the easiest option for you is not to tell her ..because then you don't have to face the consequences of your actions.
The kindest thing you can do for your wife is tell her and allow to decide her future.

Good advice there from village. No one can make that decision for you, but it may help to decide on a day by day basis for the time being. Be present with your wife. Look at her anew, give yourself over to her openly. Be honest, in its truest sense in each moment. This may not involve unburdening yourself of something in your mind from the past. But if that thing from the past is getting in the way of your current connection, you might need to think again. One day, one moment, at a time...

AthenasOwl - yes I fully admit I am self centred, and I want to be a better person. I used the word 'if' because I can't predict the future, but I'm definitely fully committed to doing these things and think I'm capable to doing them. I know that I'm not facing the full consequences of my actions, but trust me the guilt is awful and I've had to fight off depression. The past 6 months have been the worst I've felt and most emotionally tumultuous of my life. It's not been consequence free.

I fully deserve all I get - I know that. I just want to move on from this period of my life now and build a better future for my family. Telling my wife guarantees years more of pain for everyone. I know it is selfish to not want to go through this, but who would 'want' to go through that if they think it can be avoided?

She will find out.

Whether you tell her or OW finally snaps and does after being cast aside

Years of pain are guaranteed whatever. Start fixing it now if you have any hope.

With both women.

And moving away from the "I think it's love with OW" thing sounds excellent.
I suspect you're in for a pretty tough time as the scales fall away (as you say, the illusion of "love" with OW will have been protecting you from harsh truths), so make sure you get your coping strategies in place. Exercise, sleep, meditation? Whatever your thing is...

Oh, and IMHO self-flagellation is just as selfish as self-adoration. You're a human, and you've done what humans do. You also have the human capacity for learning, and are using it. If you're determined to move on, then do it and don't let self-condemnation become part of the problem here.

Namechange - thanks. That is very much the way I'm seeing things at the moment. Of course if I realise I need to tell her about the past in order to rebuild then I'll do it. I hope I won't need to - but if I do I will.

Something my wife said when I told her all about my first transgression was "Why are you telling me all this - it feels like you want me to leave you and make a decision for you". I'm not using this as a justification for not telling her now, but I do think she's the type of personality that wouldn't necessarily want to know all the details... and Villageshop - I think my wife sounds similar to your position in that she is someone who can't to imagine her life without me and who loves me (I know this because she's told me). I've completely taken that love for granted and trodden all over it, which makes me feel sick to the stomach

Your answer to why you are telling her ... to be honest and open that you don't want her to make the decision at all but want her to have the freedom to do as she wishes and choose to work through things hopefully

Thanks again Namechange - really good advice.

I definitely think I used "love" or "connection" with this OW as a justification for my actions. Like some kind of starcrossed lovers bullshit. In reality I saw her because she made me feel good about myself and provided something I felt was missing in my marriage, but which I made no effort to try and rekindle in the right place. I just took the easy temptation of getting my needs filled elsewhere, and it all snowballed from there.

I re-wrote history in my marriage and made it out to be worse than it was in my mind, told myself I love the OW and so that somehow justified it. This led me to genuinely "feel" like I loved her. I do care for her and we obviously built a Like you say the scales are starting to fall off and what's beneath doesn't look pretty. But I need to own it. I also agree I can't sit here and wallow in guilt as it's also a self-serving emotion.

Oh and just to add, I ended things with the OW in the most compassionate way I could manage as I realised that I'd dragged her into this and that she is now suffering because of my actions. I was clear that it was over, but I told her face to face and in the right way. I don't think she is the type of person to be vindictive and contact my wife, but of course that's a theoretical risk. That is the only way she could ever find out I think as nobody else knows about it.

If it were me I wouldn't tell her. And if I were your wife I wouldn't want to know. If you're truly remorseful and plan to move on, put her first and everything else well behind you, then it's just your inner demons you'll have to battle with. Telling your wife will just result in years more pain for you both. If you don't trust yourself and think it might happen again that's a different matter. If my partner had an affair I wouldn't want to know and I would never tell him about mine unless the other party threatened to tell, hopefully she has kept it to herself too. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks LDChoccy79 - That is where my current thinking is. But I do hear all the other advice to the contrary and am not dismissing it. I also realise I'm at a relatively early stage here and things might change. I'm going to take it a day at a time and put 100% of my energies into my marriage in a proactive and forward thinking way. However, if telling her becomes the clearly best option, either to allow the marriage to recover fully, or because there is a chance of her finding out through other means, I'll need to reconsider and tell her. I've not categorically decided that telling her isn't the right thing to do. I just want to think it through properly before doing that as there is no taking it back once I do

So in the space of this thread, you've gone from thinking you might love the OW and not sure to it now being
" Like some kind of starcrossed lovers bullshit"
Jesus, all I can say is the OW has had a lucky escape, and you just used her to fulfil your needs at the time and discarded her like some piece of junk.
I was on your side, but for some reason, that really makes me feel annoyed, as if you've just decided to change the narrative to how you're feeling right now.

IMO
You don't love anyone, and you have no idea what love is

Huntinginthedark - sorry if that annoyed you, and maybe you're right I don't know what love is. It's not like I suddenly don't care about OW or never felt anything, I'm just trying to get to the bottom of why those feelings developed and where they came from. Maybe I'm not expressing myself very well.

You're completely right that I didn't treat anyone well in all this, which includes her. I've not discarded her like a piece of junk, but I have made the decision to cut her out of my life. Like you say - this is no doubt a good thing for her

I think you are very brave to tell your story here

Yeah takes guts to post on an anonymous website...

I think a lot of people in these situations start things up because of a 'connection' and its 'fresh' it often isn't a conscious mental decision to have an affair , it 'creeps up over time' and unfortunately once its gone so far, it can be hard to back out of. . It isn't really 'love' in most of these cases, its just 'new and fresh and ego boosting'. Its also very selfish and as you can see OP from people on here it devastates livesboth from those betrayed and those who betrayed for what was a passing fancy/month of madness etc . If you don't confess you will now have to live with this, but only you know your wife and if its happened before and she asked 'why did you tell me' --then your course of action may be the best for you.

What are you going to do if your wife finds out?

yetmorecrap - yes that sounds like how mine started. A real emotional connection did of course develop, like it would for any two people who spend time together like that. But the foundation of it is what you describe. I know most cheaters say this, but before all this happened I genuinely never thought I'd be capable to doing what I did. I never understood how someone could lead a double life like that. I'm learning a lot about myself - not much of it good.

Expatinscotland - if she finds out i'll have to deal with the fallout the best I can. It won't change what I want to do, which is to try make the marriage work, but obviously it would change the dynamic and (in my opinion - not shared by all on here) make healing things up much harder and maybe impossible

You’ve said she knows about the emotional affair- the dynamic has already changed, she will be in pain already. when she finds out it will hurt her more and everything your try to do inbetween will be a waste of effort for both of you.
Stop being a coward and own up

When I read these types of things I always wonder if the other party hasn't also detached from the marriage and is having an affair him/herself. My parents have been married for 53 years, and so many of my mother's friends (female) have had several affairs or even affairs lasting decades, then the Big Man comes out and tells her about some ho' from work he's been shagging and she's like, 'Meh, I already knew and went off him years ago.' He thinks she'll be all devastated when really, she should have got rid of him years ago and doesn't really give a toss.

Expatinscotland - not the case in this scenario. We’re both fairly young. But the picture you paint is a fairly depressing one regarding marriage

'Expatinscotland - not the case in this scenario. We’re both fairly young.'

How do you know? She may well have gone off you, too, and you don't know, either. It doesn't apply to just elderly people. She may have already guessed and just thinks it's better to hang onto the status quo, or is getting her ducks in a row to ditch you. It's a bit egotistical to have created this big drama in your head about your great sin and how to move on from it, focusing it all on you, and not consider that perhaps she's just waiting to the axe to fall so she can move on, too.

There is that possibility too Op, because I think her reaction first time was odd, I know very few women who wouldn’t go ballistic about that situation and with someone they still very much loved.

She might have a dude of her own on the side. Would that make you feel better OP?