Moving on after having an affair

[Needtomoveon1]

I'd really like some advice and support here, even though I know I don't deserve it and lots of people will want to flame me.

I'm a married man (5 yrs), with one DC, and I had a 6 month affair with another woman that started last year. The other woman is single, says she loves me, and to be honest I think I love her too.... or I'm at least infatuated with her. I ended our affair a few weeks ago and told her that I was going to work on saving my marriage, but I just can't get her out of my mind. I constantly think about her and want to contact her all the time (but I haven't). I've been waiting for things to get better with time but they don't seem to be.

My wife doesn't know and I've decided not to tell her. I know this is controversial and some people will think I should - but if I can resolve all this without causing her pain that seems the best option.

I've not had sex with the OW. We've kissed and been intimate but this affair wasn't about the sex for me. I felt a deep emotional connection with her, and just enjoyed being with her or talking to her. I'm not claiming this is any better (it's not), but I just wanted to provide some context that this wasn't about purely physical stuff.

I want to try and save my marriage, not least for my DC. In hindsight I let things with my wife go stale and we had a passionless marriage. Having a child a few years ago no doubt changed the dynamic of our relationship, and I think we both got lazy and became more like housemates than lovers. The disengagement (on my part) was very gradual and I didn't even realise it was happening until it was too late. The romantic love in our marriage had evaporated and this is what I think the OW provided.

There are of course loads more details in all this that I won't go into in the interests of keeping this post short. My main question is: How do I move on? There must be others out there who have been through similar. Does this get easier or do you always think about your affair partner? Is it possible to save the marriage or have a ruined things?

I'm sorry to all those who have been on the receiving end of affairs, and I really don't want to come across as insensitive. I know what I've done is very wrong and I don't deserve (nor am I looking for) any sympathy. I've made a big mistake and now am in a mess of my own making. Just really want to find my way out of it.

Just to add, My H didn't have actual sex either, and I only know because I stumbled across some emails.

If he'd come to his senses before I found out like you appear to have done I would have been spared the pain. This happened in 2003 and I'm still not totally over it though we are very happily married.

However, my H was permanently changed in my eyes, and my own image of myself was irreparably damaged so I would rather never have found out.

So she know some but not all. What you have done is know as trickle truth and it could well distort your fragile marriage. She’s been dealing with one thing while actually it’s something else all together.
You are still not being honest with her or yourself.
If all it took was the OW to get back in touch then you are not ready to work on your marriage.
You are being selfish and cruel.

Chris alive!!!

Exactly screaming.
Trickle truth. OP, Google this phrase. There is only one full version and only you know it. Omission of facts is the same as lying and does more damage.

Don't tell. There's no point other than to make your wife miserable. I read all the time here that women instinctively 'know' - and then on the flipside - that it's 'come out of the blue'. It can't be both.

If you've made the decision to make good your marriage then focus on that. You'll have to go through the loss of your other relationship on your own and rise above those feelings because your marriage matters more.

You've had good advice from a handful of posters - Liskee, AngryBird and villageshop. Telling won't make your marriage 'great', not telling won't make it great either. Only what you do to put life and love back into it can make it so. I don't believe that anybody has the definitive answer or the perfect relationship formula anyway. You hold your relationship in your hands and if you think that it's worth saving the go to it - wholeheartedly. You have as much chance as anybody does. It may be that you decide after a while that whatever caused you to cheat was a real problem - and it's still there.

Life's too short to settle with the 'wrong' person - for your sake and for theirs. Make your decision and stick with it.

I think you are very brave to tell your story here. There are pros and cons to telling DW, and the best solution depends on the sort of person she is. Some people genuinely would prefer not to know (assuming you stay in your marriage and all is good) personally I would need the truth and the power to chose for myself. No point in anyone flaming you, or indeed flaming yourself. Increasingly I think marriage is a dodgy concept, with those who succeed not admitting to having been very lucky (as well as working at it) We live a long time and have many choices these days. Those who grow together and in the same direction should consider themselves very fortunate, rather than attacking those couples who sadly don't. Of course affairs cause massive pain, but realistically it's what many people do when they are not happy but can't face the risk of leaving an imperfect relationship. For all three of you life will go on. Be honest with yourself about how you really feel and don't stay in any relationship that is dead.

Mr Needtomoveon - let me put it bluntly. Anyone who decides to cheat is moronic. Male or female, just wrong. If I could go back in time 10 years and tell my ex of the ramifications of what she was doing I'm sure she wouldnt have done it, she just didnt seem to realise where it would end up. Have you thought about what five years time from now might look like for you?

You are facing family break-up, financial ruin, mental heath problems for you, your STBXW, your kids, any plans for early retirement are going to disappear, all your hopes and dreams for the future will lie in broken pieces around your feet.

So man-the-f#ck-up, get a grip, ditch your bit on the side and go and sort your marriage out. If that doesnt work after some counselling then hey, thats OK, you gave it your best shot and the marriage is over despite you both trying to fix it, NOT because you had an affair. Prove you are strong enough to be single before you try to find love again.

What MrSandman said is true:
'If I could go back in time 10 years and tell my ex of the ramifications of what she was doing I'm sure she wouldnt have done it, she just didnt seem to realise where it would end up. Have you thought about what five years time from now might look like for you?

You are facing family break-up, financial ruin, mental heath problems for you, your STBXW, your kids, any plans for early retirement are going to disappear, all your hopes and dreams for the future will lie in broken pieces around your feet.'

This is so true and I've seen time and again that people from a stable upbringing just have NO IDEA of the devastation caused by family break-up due to infidelity and betrayal. In their complacency they take their own family stability for granted, get bored, become open to flattery and an exciting dalliance, can't see the harm in it at the time, it didn't mean anything etc etc.

In my own family my highly successful father's mid life crisis /- leaving us for another woman ended with me in care, my mum in a mental hospital and my dad committing suicide on the other side of the world after going missing for a while, all within the space of 5 years. The damage to my brother took longer - alcohol poisoning and death before he was 30.

All that background is the reason I was determined to stay within my marriage and work to forgive, but that was only possible because my H was truly sorry and I believed him and he behaved in a way that allowed healing to take place over time. We both had to work hard at that, me to forgive, and him to overcome his guilt and not let it get in the way of him working to mend things. Guilt is not helpful, guilt is all about how you are feeling, not focussed on how your wife is feeling.

Nobody should ever underestimate the damage wrought by betrayal.

By not telling your wife you are doing her a massive disservice and actually very cruel, I was your wife a few years ago, I knew something was wrong, something was going on but he didn't give me the dignity to understand. There is nothing worse than a cheater who doesn't want to admit it because he/she thinks it would hurt the betrayed, just stop that nonsense, I would have welcomed my partner telling me because then I'm in control of MY life , I can make decisions based on the truth not reacting to finding out months later, you are being a coward, tell your partner and let her take some control because believe me she knows

Mrsandman & villageshop - thanks so much for your replies. It’s what I needed to hear. I know you’re both right. Sorry to hear about your backstory villageshop... and part of that does ring true for me. I had a stable upbringing, and on the face of things am successful now. I’ve got a lot to lose and I’ve definitely taken things for granted.

Sally - thanks for your message too. Yes I’m determined to do some proper reflection and learning from this. Hopefully I can save my marriage and come out stronger. Even if that can’t happen, there is no way I’m letting myself repeat the mistakes I’ve made

Lyingwitch - thanks for your words of encouragement. The two scenarios I want to avoid are 1) leave my wife because of an affair, and end up regretting it for the rest of my life, 2) staying in a dead relationship that steals both of our opportunities at finding happiness.

They’re obviously two opposite sides of the coin. I don’t intend to do either, and so the only option is to man up, ditch the OW completely and have a proper go at saving the marriage. If it doesn’t work despite best efforts then i’ll Know leaving is the best option but it will be for the right reasons.

Sorry OP but these are NOT two sides of the same coin. These are two different paths and the only ‘coin’ is placing your entitled self in the middle and deciding that your happiness is more important than anything else. I think that’s what allowed you to betray your DW in the first place. And it’s why confession would be better for you - you’d see that your happiness is not pain free.

Dadaist Confess so 'You'd see that your marriage is not pain-free'.

It's not about OP's feelings though. By telling all he would be guaranteeing that his wife's marriage (as well as his own) is pain-FULL.

Confessing is an unnecessary punishment for him that hurts his wife more.

Millions of successful long-term marriages have gone through this, and sometimes people have to swallow down their mistakes and not be seduced by the temptation to confess. That impulse, to be understood, to confess, is selfish. The adult thing to do is admit to yourself the true awfulness of what you did and then do everything you can, now and in the future, to make your marriage work and protect your loved ones from your idiot behaviour.

I agree with not telling your wife if at all possible to avoid the hurt it will cause her. As you can see opinions vary widely on this so you have to do what you feel best.

To my shame, I completely know where you are coming from having just ended an 8 month affair and am in the midst of my own struggles with the aftermath now. In my case, my DH did inadvertently find out and of course was heartbroken. We are trying to work things through with the help of counselling now and I am very grateful for the chance he has given me. I have the exact same questions you have and have no answers as yet, sorry - Does this get easier or do you always think about your affair partner? Is it possible to save the marriage or have I ruined things?

Its not just his marriage though is it. It's also her marriage!
She should be allowed to know all the facts in order to make an informed decision that affects her life and her marriage. Yes it will hurt but ultimately so will finding out you stayed with a man who cheated and lied to you.
Utterly selfish to not tell her and allow her to carry on living a lie with a man who freely admits he's in love with another woman.

I also think she has a right to know. There are people posting on these forums who have found out years after the event and it compounds the devastation further to know that something like this has been kept from them and that their lives were not how they thought.

I recently found out quite by accident about my H’s affair and of course my world has fallen apart but I’d still rather know. It would be worse to find out months or years down the line (these things often have a way of coming out) and I would have been so angry that I had thought things were fine and I was married to a lovely, faithful man, when all the time he was sneaking around behind my back.

Time to stop behaving selfishly and put your wife first for once; let her make her own decisions based on all the facts.

You want to rebuild your marriage, but it will be built on a foundation of lies if you don't tell her.

Think about if it was the other way around. Hurts doesn't it? Now go tell her.

I'm a big believer in if they can cheat with you, they can cheat on you also. That's if you decide to go with your bit on the side.

yep, I can say finding out stuff years later (and it not being 100% all hunk dory inbetween) is an absolute mindf**ck of the highest order. If you aren't going to confess OP, all I will say is make sure there is absolute naff all evidence around of any kind and you must be very very sure of the OWs temperament and that of any friends she may have told. I'm afraid a woman scorned (however lovely) can sometimes become pretty irrational even years down the line , however much they thought of you-- do bear that in mind.

OP I don't judge you - let's all refrain from judging people we don't know.

But - I don't believe you can build a loving, trusting marriage on an absolutely enormous lie.

If you want it to work - tell your wife the truth, then tell her you are prepared to do absolutely anything to make it work.

If you and her truly belong together and the bedrock relationship has strength in it it will survive.

It's not fair on her to believe in a relationship that isn't real. Please don't use a child as an excuse.

Also - imagine YOU living with this for your whole life. I think it will eat you alive . How can you be the truly loving person you want to be?

I think it's worrying you still have feelings for the OW tbh and you should be honest about that when you speak to your wife. It has to be built on truth.

Your wife deserves to know who she's married to and to have the agency to leave the marriage or work on it as she chooses. If you don't respect her enough to treat her as an adult I don't see how you can begin to fix things.

And if I were her I would first need to see proof that you had definitively ended things with the OW - a clear "I feel nothing for you and never want to see or speak to you again" not some bets-hedging "I need to work on my marriage".

Have you burned your bridges there or are you keeping the OW on the sidelines just in case?

Thanks again for all the replies. This process of "talking it through" on here and another forum (plus some proper nights sleep etc) is helping me a lot and already starting to provide me with the clarity that my feelings for the OW are a projection of my own issues and most likely nothing like love. I've also had some individual counselling sessions that have helped.

It makes me feel like even more of a horrible person that I could put so much at risk, and hurt people, over my own selfishness and issues (no ready-made excuses of soulmates, true love, etc). But it's good to finally be honest with myself. Feels like I've had a mini-breakthrough.

I know it will take time but i'm feeling more and more confident that I'll be able to use this as an experience to improve myself as a person, and that I will be able to give my all to reinvesting in the marriage. Time will tell of course, but seeing things for what they are and being truly honest WITH MYSELF first and foremost is a good first step I hope.

The big dilemma I have now is whether I should confess all to DW. I completely understand all those arguments of people on here who think I need to. I do however know for a fact that it's going to cause great pain to DW (obviously), and in all probability could end the marriage ultimately. I know that it's not fair for me to make that choice for her by not telling her.... but I'm really conflicted.

I know these are big "ifs", but...

IF I'm truly able to reinvest 100% of my energies into my marriage and not put her in second place through my emotional distance etc.

IF I'm able to completely move on from my affair, compartmentalise it, and see it for what it was

IF I'm able to use this as a lesson and never stray (or be tempted to stray) again

If I'm able to manage all this without telling her, would that not be the favourable option?

No it is not the favourable option because it still happened and she wouldn't know about it. You are telling the truth to internet strangers, but not to your own wife.

You're trying to get people online to tell you what you want to hear to excuse you from moral responsibility. You failed at that once, when you cheated on her, don't fail again by not telling her that it happened again.

Oh just grow a pair and be a decent honest man

You've already failed at the decent part. Try the honest bit to begin with

Let HER decide. And amongst all this while your thinking about yourself, there's also another woman probably incredibly hurt and rejected having been told a pack of lies about your wife isn't there?

Be honest with them both. Grow some balls and stop being a coward. You probably will get ripped to shreds... and you'll deserve it too

Op you do sound to me truly remorseful which is a great starting point for you to re-invest 100% in your marriage.

Whether or not you tell her is up to you but if you do tell her it sounds as though you are in the right, truly remorseful, frame of mind which will come across to your wife. In the long term this will help her heal. The long term is very long. Think 10+ years, and it will change your relationship forever. It might make it better in the long term, with more closeness and forgiveness and understanding as part of your relationship history, or, in spite of all the work you both put in it might end it, soon or years down the line.

I think the outcome will depend on your wife, her intelligence and how committed she is she to you. Does she adore you, is she committed to the concept of a united family above every other possible outcome? Put simply, does she enjoy spending time with you above everything else?

For me, when it came down to it I simply could not imagine my life without my H in it. He was my best friend, I chose and still choose to spend time with him over everyone else. Time not with him was and is just filling time. I enjoyed his company so much that 'to cut off my nose to spite my face' on a point of hurt pride would have hurt me most in the end.

Long marriages are full of hurdles, lessons and adjustments, and 40 years down the line if you love each other you will still be together, holding hands in old age with your children and grandchildren coming round for Sunday lunch and this episode will be safely in a box deep in the eaves of the attic, full of harsh lessons, not forgotten, but learnt from, much like other stuff related to foolish teenage years and childhood guilt. We continue to grow, it's foolish to throw your life away because you regressed.

Which future do you want, and most importantly, is that the future your wife wants?