Thoughts on dealing with limiting beliefs shared or imposed by family?

[WyclefJohn]

I've very recently realised that in my family, we share a number of limiting beliefs. They're not beliefs that have been imposed by my parents, who I love very much, but are shared. They're often unspoken, and there is an element of social class mixed in. In my case, I just realise there were so many things people like us didn't do. These include travel, aim for certain professions, or take part in sports like skiing.

I was fortunate enough to go away to university, and my horizons have been massively broadened, but I have this nagging feeling, that I don't belong.

My parents have always supported me, and in many ways, they have limited themselves, me, and my brother implicitly. It's hard to put on paper, or on screen, and I love them so much, but it is something that has affected me, my brother, and my parents. There is a sense that we should always go for the safe option. It's just something I've been thinking about, wanted to get down, and share.

I'm thinking about this a lot, as I feel I've come to a cross roads in my life, more in terms of career and meaning, and when I've come to think about what I want, it's hard not to shake off these perceptions that I have shared with my family.

It can be useful to piece together where these beliefs came from. So for example, when I understood that my family's beliefs about disability were heavily influenced by the birth of a child with down syndrome early in the 20th century, I could put them in perspective a bit more.

Likewise I am sure that my son will say i am very unadventurous with money and regard anything other than a building society savings account as dangerously irresponsible; that comes from the experience of my dad being suckered by criminals into giving away everything we had, while telling us what a hot shot financier he was, plus living through the 80s where any old financial shit was sold to consumers who were left with nothing in many cases.

I guess what I mean is that it's not all about class, though of course in the UK that's a major strand of it. There will be personal elements to this as well. Once you see what they are, you will understand it better.

Thanks. I am not blaming my parents. I think my parents are quite typical of a generation that went to grammar schools in the 50s/60s, where the aim for top set might have been university, but for most, it was a job as a clerk or a secretary in the council or electricity board, and the aim was a semi in one of the new suburbs.

It's hard to write and not seem as if I'm being snobby, because I do love my parents so very much, and they're great parents. I'm currently asking my parents to visit us in Europe, and they have never flown, and they cannot contemplate the thought of flying, which sparked my thinking on this as well. For them, getting on a plane, is not something they would ever do.

My wife's father came from an upper class family, who after university, went to travel the world for a year, and then settled down as a lawyer. He married someone from another country, and his children live all over the world. I appreciate that comes from a massive state of privilege, but it has informed the way they view the world.

Was there much money kicking about OP? My parents were like yours but it was due to lack of money and/or the urge to save for a rainy day.

We were and are a fairly average family in terms of money. However, i sense limitations that are not related to money now. I think they were engendered by money and social class

I think I understand what you mean, my fathers family were very much like this ( apart from him). My Mum told me they were horrified when my mum and dad bought a house ( renting was what they all did) and they didn’t want my dad “ getting involved with something like that”
He couldn’t do anything other than a manual job or go abroad or anything without comment. He was 1of 5 and none of them ever did anything like that - it wasn’t for people like them apparently.
They were frightened of anything that wasn’t completely familiar but somehow my dad was very different and we ended up doing things nobody else in the family did.

I'm currently asking my parents to visit us in Europe, and they have never flown, and they cannot contemplate the thought of flying

That's not "typical of a generation that went to grammar schools in the 50s/60s". That's typical of a generation before that.

On the flying thing, I think they have taken that fear from the generation above, but my brother, who grew up in the 80s and 90s has also never flown. I first flew when at university, and I joined "generation easyjet/ryanair" and started trips to Continental Europe.

It is an interesting point about whether social class comes into it. Take my DH's family - neither of the two brothers were encouraged to do anything outside school, no hobbies besides watching football, neither of them drive, no holidays abroad etc.

My and my SIL (married to the other brother) both had quite a different upbringing - middle class? Holidays abroad, music lessons, sports clubs etc.

Our families both have very different ideas regarding risk and safety in comparison to DH's family. They didn't go abroad until they were in their late 50s (and love it now!) as it just wasn't the 'done' thing in their wider circle. No-one they knew went to Italy so why would they need to?

I think there is a limiting belief that they were in their place in the world and that was fine...not saying that was a bad thing as in general society doesn't seem satisfied with what its got.

However there was no ambition for the boys and they had to struggle more than me to get into University despite the fact that we had equally good A-Levels.
In my family, it was never "are you going to University" but it was "which University are you going to and what will you do?"

my brother, who grew up in the 80s and 90s has also never flown

All other things being equal, that's pretty unusual. It's certainly not "typical" of someone in their (presumably) forties.

All other things being equal, that's pretty unusual. It's certainly not "typical" of someone in their (presumably) forties.

I agree, I don't think it's typical of the population at large, but I think there is something a bit typical of a segment of society, that like Moonlight describes, would not consider travelling abroad a done thing.

The whole thing has just made me realise the areas where my expectations were maybe lowered, not maliciously, but through a fear. And I see it still having an impact on my life to some extent, and my parents' lives to a greater extent

I think there is something a bit typical of a segment of society

Oh, absolutely. "Not for the likes of us" and, by implication, "not for the likes of our children". My in-laws felt this about a wide range of topics, from international travel to dishwashers. But the areas where my expectations were maybe lowered, not maliciously, but through a fear is bang-on. The ingrained horror of "getting above yourself", and the assumption that the only reason people do/buy these things is in order to "show off".

Cuboidal, do you know my family? I love them so much, but the number of times I've heard them talking about "showing off". Dishwashers are also a no-no.

I remember growing up and there was a parents evening about going on a French exchange. And I remember my Mum and Dad moaning about the "nodding head" people, who had been abroad, and nodded "vigorously" when the teacher was explaining about France and things that needed to be arranged.

I notice the stark contrast, now that I'm part of a family, where it seems everything was possible.

Well it stems from fear, and is expressed in a 'our way is the best way for us' which gives them great comfort and security. Extrapolating from that, if you try to do it a different way, then you are telling them that their way is NOT the best, and that then sets off the fears again.

There's also glass half empty and glass half full people. If you're a glass half empty person you will look at the negative possibilities of things. If you're a glass half full type of person, you will look at the positive possibilities, the opportunities.

Eg, the dishwasher. Glass half empty - are you telling me I don't do a good enough job of washing dishes myself? The way I run my kitchen isn't good enough? What would you expect me to do with this extra time? If I don't buy these gadgets (which I don't know how to use and I don't like feeling inadequate and understanding something in my house), that I'm not good enough???!!!

Glass half full - Would that make it easier to do the dishes? Would I have more time on my hands? Does that mean everyone can chip in to keeping the kitchen tidy?

And on it goes.

I think this is a very very common process for people in their mid-20s to 40s (happens at different ages) - getting a bit of distance from your parents and realising the ways in which they influenced you, for good and for bad. As long as there wasn't abuse I think it's a very positive process because you can start to pull away from the not so good things while having more appreciation for the good things - it makes you a more grounded and secure person I think.

FWIW - my parents are very similar. They did and do travel a lot but for example, for them a job is a lawyer, teacher or doctor, they have no idea what I do for a living and can't get their heads around it. For that reason they can be unintentionally unsupportive and it can be annoying but I get that they just don't have the experience and that their ideas are fixed and that's ok.

People who claim to be indifferent to what the neighbours say are, unfortunately, obsessed with what the neighbours say. They avoid doing things for fear that their neighbours might think that they are the sort of people who worry about what the neighbours might thing. So they can't, for example, go on holiday abroad, even if they want to, in case their neighbours think they are going on holiday abroad for the purpose of showing off.

It's incredibly self-destructive.

Extrapolating from that, if you try to do it a different way, then you are telling them that their way is NOT the best, and that then sets off the fears again.

Quite. My in-laws extended this to food. Secretly, of course, I didn't like the food I ate, but I was only eating it, or indeed cooking it, to show off and to implicitly criticise them.

Incidentally that attitude that 'it's not for us' might seem silly and limited to us but it's worth remembering that there was a time, really not that long ago that if you were born into one class, you stayed in that class and there was no two ways about that. Therefore you had a lot of incentive to fit with that class and not piss them off as they were your social circle and you had very little opportunity to meet anyone new or different. It suited the upper classes to have the lower classes believing that they should 'know their place' - having a compliant bunch of workers is far better than a bunch of disgruntled poor people who wonder why some people get an education and others don't. Thankfully society has changed a lot but attitudes don't change as quickly in some circles, especially when they were so ingrained for such a long time.

Gosh, I identify with this.

My SIL once hissed at me that I was "so fucking la-di-dah with my holidays abroad and my university."

so fucking la-di-dah with my holidays abroad and my university.

It's worth plotting a scatter graph of "highest household qualification" (expressed as QAA "levels", I guess) and "how do eat steak" (interior temperature, probably). I bet there's a powerful negative correlation. Ditto all cooking times, I suspect.

But beyond that, the people with a real chip on their shoulder believe that the only reason you're eating your steak that way is to "show off".

PhD. Room temperature.

Cuboidal your ' neighbour' post is brilliant.

You are describing my Grandmother who was a Wiltshire country woman and she regularly said of things like spin dryers and fridges, "Taint for the likes of we". Her attitude hog tied my Mum for years. I remember Mum buying some Tupperwear and her mother banging on endlessly about how lavish it was to have such an item and coming up with a variety of reasons why we shouldn't have this piece of modernity in the home. Sad really.

It still happens though. My sister is delighted that she managed to put my bright niece off uni and into a boring job round the corner and even more delighted that she is now a young mum and she gets to play the matriarch.

My own kids of the same age are studying and travelling and partying and it makes me a bit sad for my niece.

God knows how I ever got away. I guess there are some advantages to being the geeky plain scapegoat rather than the beautiful golden child.

I live a long way from my family and every time we go to visit they peck our heads. Most recently the bants was about how we are all slim and exercise. Who the fuck do we think we are looking after our Heath?

health

I remember Mum buying some Tupperwear and her mother banging on endlessly about how lavish it was to have such an item

Yeah. The issue of "not for the like of us" is complex, though, because for it to be multi-generational it relies on people giving a toss what their parents' generation thinks. These days there's a pretty standard list of things that "people like that" will disapprove of: dishwashers, contactless payment, foreign travel, the Internet, olive oil, any coffee other than Nescafe. They're the people noisily tutting about just wanting a "cup of tea" in Costa. Ordering a Cortado and paying for it with Apple Pay after you've flicked past a couple of boarding passes in your iPhone's wallet is a good way to upset them.

But if your parents or grandparents think like that, it's your choice as to whether you give a toss. The power by which they make people give a toss (ie, modify their own behaviour to avoid conflict) is where the problem lies.