Thoughts on dealing with limiting beliefs shared or imposed by family?

[WyclefJohn]

I've very recently realised that in my family, we share a number of limiting beliefs. They're not beliefs that have been imposed by my parents, who I love very much, but are shared. They're often unspoken, and there is an element of social class mixed in. In my case, I just realise there were so many things people like us didn't do. These include travel, aim for certain professions, or take part in sports like skiing.

I was fortunate enough to go away to university, and my horizons have been massively broadened, but I have this nagging feeling, that I don't belong.

My parents have always supported me, and in many ways, they have limited themselves, me, and my brother implicitly. It's hard to put on paper, or on screen, and I love them so much, but it is something that has affected me, my brother, and my parents. There is a sense that we should always go for the safe option. It's just something I've been thinking about, wanted to get down, and share.

I identify with it too - mother's family were working class poor who dragged themselves into the relatively affluent aspirant middle classes but always had a chip on their shoulders about other people. Mother has always massively resented the upbringing that she could afford to give me and my sister (posh schools, music, travel, academic careers), and now massively resents my relationship with my "clever" inlaws (academics, lawyers, economists, affluent upper class lefties). Poverty of aspiration rather than poverty of material wealth in this case.

Interesting thread. Because of my upbringing and the people we knew, becoming a doctor or an engineer were quite feasible, but the idea of being a writer or anyone in the arts was just like a pipedream. I wouldn't have had the first clue about how to go about it. It is sad to think that some children are growing up without any concept of being able to get a profession.

The answer on what to do next, Rhubarb, is anything you want to. The tricky bit is working out what that is...!

I can't understand parents being afraid of their children being cleverer than they are. For one thing, gaining a degree doesn't prove you're cleverer than your parent who didn't. It proves the parent is clever enough to have produced a child who can do it, and to have given them the opportunity to prove it. If we can't make a better life than our parents were able to make for us, what price human progress?

I said to DS1 at his graduation, "You may be proud of yourself for having worked hard for three years and got a degree. Just think how proud of myself I am. I worked hard for 21 years and made a graduate!"

I can't understand parents being afraid of their children being cleverer than they are.

Former colleague of mine left school at sixteen, as did his wife.

All three of his children are currently doing funded PhDs at very good places, having got firsts at very good places in tough STEM subjects.

Yes, he should have gone to university: one of the smartest guys I've ever worked with.

When I hear storied about people being dragged down by their crab-pot parents, I think of those three.

But there are just a range of things I think are beyond our grasp, and contributes to a sense of insecurity at times.

Noticing that you have this belief is the first step to challenging it. If you are not aware that you think like this, you would not be able to challenge. Once you notice that you are choosing to think like this, rather than it being any fixed 'law of the universe' you are in a position to decide for your self.

While I agree that class play a part in determining the actual beliefs we inherit, I think that in every walk of life you find people who through fear ,insecurity or whatever, choose to go along with the self limiting beliefs they inherit and others who challenge their own beliefs and adopt the set that work for them.

There comes a time in your life when it is appropriate to accept responsibility for your beliefs, and all the other thoughts you keep in your head. They are shaped by your influences, but once you notice them, you have started the process to review and keep only the ones you choose., the ones that suit you.

Tell yourself that you cannot help it, if you like, but know that you can change those thoughts.

I LOVE THIS THREAD.

My background is very mashed up - my ancestors have been on the move pretty constantly for the past century, so while I don't have the area or class limitations of some of you, what I think I've inherited is this lack of trust in institutions/rootless kind of feeling. I have always been driven to do as well as I can because there is always this feeling it will all be snatched away. The flipside is that I struggle to invest in training/career etc until recently because of that same fear.

I just wanted to say something about not knowing who you are. Listen to that quiet voice. The one that's telling you to do something you're afraid of doing/don't think you can do/are not competent to do. Listen to it and follow through. I did, and I have never regretted it.

xo

Going back to the dishwasher discussion - my parents owned one, but my mother wouldn't use it unless people were around. She was incredibly frugal but it wasn't all about the money, we were not dishwasher reliant people, it was modern, it was extravagant. When I wanted to go to private school I was really pushing the boundaries - it was too expensive, it was for people with a lot of money, but again, it wasn't just that my parents weren't very well off... but that it might indicate they thought too well of themselves if they sent me to a private school. Eventually, I went to private school - earned the best final exam results in the form in my final year... What did I think, OMG now I'm going to be with all those self assured worldly kids from elite private schools at University. I have never felt good enough

@MrsMaisel Look up imposter syndrome it's surprisingly ubiquitous.

I'm going to add that I think that people have different personalities as well. Some people like their routine, even down to the food that they eat. Some people like the security that on x day they know what they will be doing. These people would probably be very risk adverse. An example would be that they could not go on holiday abroad and drive on the 'wrong side if the roads , because someone that they knew had been abroad and had a car accident ! Other people may love traveling and doing on the spur of the moment things. I think money also plays a big part in life and what people are able to do. Another example someone may think that they are living the high life by having 3 holidays in a year, by contrast another person could have 3 holidays in only 3 months

Another example _ not believing in the use or worth a having a gap year

@RhubarbTea read Susan Jeffer’s book ‘feel the fear, and do it anyway’. It may be life changing (was for me).

Thanks @Lovelyusername, I actually have that book kicking around somewhere but haven't read it for years. However I have been trying to live by it's principles for the past year and that has been very enriching.

I'm still pondering the themes of class. Can you switch classes or are we all consigned to our boxes based on the jobs our parents do, whether we earn a lot or own a house? I was having a really good chat with a friend today who reckoned no way am I middle class. I felt a bit deflated, which is madness because he's so right. And why do I even want to be? It seems like so much of the population (including me, on some level, clearly) are aspiring towards this ideal and it's both tiring and sad.

I think categorising class as just: Upper, Middle and Working has always been far to simplistic. There is a difference in the Upper class between the Aristocracy and Royalty. There are huge differences in Middle class which Upper Middle etc only vaguely describe.
And in the Working Classes there are groups who "aspire" eg. Most of my school aimed to leave the local area, whether by football skills or acting/dance or even more rarely by getting qualifications. But then there were others who were settled and didn't want change.
I find it odd that my Cousin who managed to become a teacher until recently is now pushing his children to get apprenticeships rather than go to Uni. Even though he has "risen" compared to his parents.

But my FIL considered himself to come from a working class background but only 2 generations back they were more mill owners than mill workers. (He sent one child to private school, valued classical music and education, but was reluctant to use the dishwasher.)