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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed...how to reply.

91 replies

Sadsoul18 · 18/03/2018 09:17

I received the text message below from my partner of 18 months a couple of weeks ago. We initially fell out because he was only prepared to communicate via text when we disagreed and I wasn’t happy with it. I suggested ‘we’ could find better ways to communicate and if we were prepared to get help we could over come our communication issues. In hindsight...I was fighting a losing battle. He has never accepted any responsibility for anything he did wrong throughout our relationship, always putting the blame on me and is clearly controlling and manipulative. He said they are my issues because he was happy with how we communicate and he was angry that I said I needed more to stay in a relationship with him.

‘That would be all I have to say in conversation about any of this. So I don't think there's more I can add that's of any value in resolving your issue. I'm not a robot either, your behaviour has not left me feeling too positive towards our relationship. I need time and space to work through my feelings and issues about what's happened (i.e. on an internal level).So I want to have a cooling off period for a couple of weeks. I’ll contact you when I’m ready. X’

So how do I respond when he undoubtedly texts me when he’s done with his cooling off period? Something along the lines off FUCK YOU...but better articulated?!?!

My head is mashed with it all and I’ve been working hard on accepted that he isn’t the right person for me. I’m gutted...and just really disappointed that someone I thought I knew and trusted with my heart has treated me in such a shit way.

And do I wait for his contact or get in there first? Help!!!

OP posts:

DumbleDee · 18/03/2018 09:22

I wouldn't reply at all.

And when/if he does text when he's ready I wouldn't reply to that either.

TangledSlinky · 18/03/2018 09:25

Agree with DumbleDee, I'd cut your losses and not reply at all.

ChickenMom · 18/03/2018 09:26

Don’t reply. I doubt he will text you again by the sounds of his message. It sounds like he wants out. Just block his number and move on. You know it’s no good. The relationship is bad. Don’t waste anymore time on it

rascallyrascal · 18/03/2018 09:30

Dear xxxx, don't bother texting again. We're done.

Angelf1sh · 18/03/2018 09:31

Definitely don’t reply at all. Definitely block his number now - you don’t want to be waiting weeks to see what he says, or worse still discover he never texts again. This way you’ve ended it now and you can immediately start getting over him rather than delaying the inevitable.

Oldraver · 18/03/2018 09:32

Oh God dont reply...and block his number so when he deigns to contact you, you are not aware of it.

In the meantime just get on with your life.

category12 · 18/03/2018 09:33

If you want to end it formally for your own sense of closure, keep it brief.

"the cooling off period has worked really well for me. I'm done. The relationship is over."

Original poster

Sadsoul18 · 18/03/2018 09:34

Thanks for your replies.
He’ll definitely be in touch...I have things of his here. And this is part of the game he like to play. He’s left me sat in the naughty corner for a couple of weeks and will expect an apology and no mention of this again. It would be easier for me if I just never heard from him again.

OP posts:

Prettylovely · 18/03/2018 09:36

Gosh really!? Hes not capable of a relationship fullstop, everything has to be his way.
Tell him your done and block him.
Realise your worth.

Prettylovely · 18/03/2018 09:36

Also dump his stuff at a mutual friends.

Loobyloomicles · 18/03/2018 09:38

"...he was only prepared to communicate via text..."

WTAF? Did you live together when he said that?!

Doesn't matter anyway. He sounds like a self-important knob, who's blaming you for his oddness.

My advice is to move on and live your life, ignoring/blocking any messages that may come your way. Someone who speaks (texts!) to you like that isn't worth any of your time, so even if his future, long awaited text is lovely he's already shown his true colours.

Foodylicious · 18/03/2018 09:39

Oh god, 18 months in nothing should be this hard!
Do you have a mutual friend?
If so, pack up his stuff and take it there

Then one quick text as others have suggested above re no need to contact you again, you have enjoyed the 'space' and have no need for further contact.

Angelf1sh · 18/03/2018 09:39

Then do it for him. Text him “Your stuff is at X friend/your parent’s house/will be outside my front door to collect at 3pm today on the dot” then I’d block him and not answer the door.

Loobyloomicles · 18/03/2018 09:43

Ah, just saw your update. So this is a pattern of controlling behaviour? Absolutely make a clean break. And be prepared for him to try various methods of communicating (I've tangled with a narcissist in the past, when I went NC he would periodically make up fake Facebook, email, twitter etc accounts to try and contact me. ).

Hermonie2016 · 18/03/2018 09:43

It's exhausting and stressful having a relationship with this type of person.You are not supposed to have an issues with him as your function is just to give him the time and attention he wants when he wants it.

If no reply is not an option go with category12 suggestion, adding something about boxing up his stuff and suggest how it can be collected/dropped off.
Get someone else to do it as ignoring him is really the best approach and will cause him outrage.

Butterymuffin · 18/03/2018 09:45

Send 'No need. Let's just end it now and move on'. Then block.

BettyBaggins · 18/03/2018 09:45

Dump his stuff at a friends then. Game over.

pericexe · 18/03/2018 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GayAllen · 18/03/2018 09:51

Just text “I don’t really need a cooling off period. I’m cool enough. Let’s just leave it now. I will drop your things at your parents house”.

Firstworlddramas · 18/03/2018 09:52

I text and say, your stuff is on the drive, please collect ASAP and look after yourself, best wishes

Then blockety mcblock block

Firstworlddramas · 18/03/2018 09:53

Or how about,

'Hey xxx, I've been thinking

Then block haha, that would
Piss me right off, I hate a cliff hanger

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 18/03/2018 10:00

I wouldn't wait for his "cooling off" to finish - that's just still pandering to him. I'd just text him now telling him it's over.

JestFromTheWest · 18/03/2018 10:00

Wow. His way or the highway.

I wouldnt be comfortable wondering if he was going to deign to contact you in a week or in a fortnight.

Id be the one to end it formally now. "No, don't. Goodbye'

He is training girlfriend(s) to never challenge him with this so called communication style.

JestFromTheWest · 18/03/2018 10:03

"No need for a cooling off period. It's over".

I agree with sleepinyourflowerbed. Dont pander to him.
He is seizing control making you wait to see if HE can tolerate your healthy normal level of communication.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 18/03/2018 10:06

And you’ve only been together 18 months? Why are you putting up with this? Just ignore him and block.

He’s manipulative, controlling, angry, sulky - why do you want him back?

Can you take his stuff to a friend’s?

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