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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed...how to reply.

91 replies

Sadsoul18 · 18/03/2018 09:17

I received the text message below from my partner of 18 months a couple of weeks ago. We initially fell out because he was only prepared to communicate via text when we disagreed and I wasn’t happy with it. I suggested ‘we’ could find better ways to communicate and if we were prepared to get help we could over come our communication issues. In hindsight...I was fighting a losing battle. He has never accepted any responsibility for anything he did wrong throughout our relationship, always putting the blame on me and is clearly controlling and manipulative. He said they are my issues because he was happy with how we communicate and he was angry that I said I needed more to stay in a relationship with him.

‘That would be all I have to say in conversation about any of this. So I don't think there's more I can add that's of any value in resolving your issue. I'm not a robot either, your behaviour has not left me feeling too positive towards our relationship. I need time and space to work through my feelings and issues about what's happened (i.e. on an internal level).So I want to have a cooling off period for a couple of weeks. I’ll contact you when I’m ready. X’

So how do I respond when he undoubtedly texts me when he’s done with his cooling off period? Something along the lines off FUCK YOU...but better articulated?!?!

My head is mashed with it all and I’ve been working hard on accepted that he isn’t the right person for me. I’m gutted...and just really disappointed that someone I thought I knew and trusted with my heart has treated me in such a shit way.

And do I wait for his contact or get in there first? Help!!!

OP posts:
GingerFoxx · 18/03/2018 15:04

Well managed Smile doesn’t mean it won’t still hurt for a while but at least you left with dignity.

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 15:11

I wouldn't reply now or ever.......he shouldn't get to dictate everything,and he shouldn't even deserve to know how your feeling(when it suits him). I.e. we're done,don't text again....etc.

Gemini69 · 18/03/2018 15:14

well done.. He was an utter Dick Flowers

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 15:29

Oh sorry,I'm way behind,whey hey,well done :) Give yourself time :),go treat yourself and think of the positives,no mind games,no stressing..freedom x

Foodylicious · 18/03/2018 15:53

Well done you!

Awesome work.

Plan some nice stuff to do with friends and by yourself.
Get in touch with friends you might have lost contact with over the last year or so.

Listen to music from your teens and find your self again (This has worked well for me in the past Grin)

pog100 · 18/03/2018 16:01

Well done!! It's not easy and will feel bad at time but you KNOW that it's right and you will look back on it as being the right thing!

KickAssAngel · 18/03/2018 16:07

So he IS able to talk/phone when HE wants to. Funny that.

sparklepops123 · 18/03/2018 16:13

Good for you ! Well done Thanks

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/03/2018 16:33

Bloody well done! ! You'll soon feel better. What a knob he is.

Prettylovely · 18/03/2018 17:27

He sounds like he likes playing games, looks like he thought you would always just roll over.
Well done for taking back control!

rascallyrascal · 18/03/2018 17:33

Yay!! Go OP!! Now block him and move on!

Lordamighty · 18/03/2018 18:09

You won’t have heard the last from him OP, his type always like to keep control. Be prepared.

StripeyDeckchair · 18/03/2018 18:43

Before he texts you I would send him a text along the lines of

I have used our non contact time to consider our relationship and I have decided that I no longer wish to invest in an ongoing relationship with you. I feel that you do not respect and value me as an equal and that do not communicate in an an adult and mutually respectful manner that resolves any issues between us and develops our relationship. I wish you all the best in you life. There are some of you possessions at my house, I will have them ready for you to collect onX date at X time. After that I do not expect or wish to hear from you or see you again.

Gather said possessions and have them ready by the door to hand him when he calls. Do not let him into your home.

If he doesn't come to collect them send a text along the lines of

As you did not come round to collect your belongings I am presuming that you no longer want them and will dispose of them.

Delete and block all contacts.

Well done you on realising that this man-child is not adding to your life and moving on from him.

OliviaStabler · 18/03/2018 18:58

Well done OP! Flowers

CashewNut11 · 18/03/2018 20:37

Well done OP.

There was no middle ground, was there. No negotiating, just His Way or the Highway...

It'll feel really painful for a while. But if you'd stayed, kowtowing to His terms, the pain of gradually losing your sense of self would have been much, much greater...

Original poster
Sadsoul18 · 18/03/2018 22:30

Thank you to everyone who has commented. You really helped me today to do the right thing. I know wholeheartedly that it was the right thing to do...I’m just gutted. It took me a long time to trust someone again...and I hate that his actions have made me feel so utterly crap. Wish I could wake up when I feel better...

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 18/03/2018 22:32

you will be okay lovely.. and you have a good friend there supporting you Flowers

Bexter801 · 18/03/2018 22:40

Don't you worry,every day,is different and before you know it,one day you will wake up,struggling to remember his name.... For now,just be kind to yourself,and give it time,I know he was an idiot and all that,but for 18months he was part of your life,so it just takes time to get used of that part not being there anymore. Try listen to some cheery music,always helps me :)

LellyMcKelly · 19/03/2018 06:08

You rock! I love the way he tried to put the blame on you for HIS actions. You did not make him behave like a big manbaby. I had one of those manipulative shits for about two years. They don’t change and they’re so superior they actually think they’re training you to be a better person. Idiots.

fabulous01 · 19/03/2018 06:14

You rock
His behaviour was about control and abuse
Dearly knows where that would have ended. Chocolate and ice cream did a few days and then feel relieved that you are out if that relationship

namechange2222 · 19/03/2018 06:27

God where's the fun? What a pompous dick
Block and move on to something fun

SleepFreeZone · 19/03/2018 06:33

Wow he was an arsehole wasn’t he? Thank god he showed you who he was before you moved in/got married/had kids. Onwards and upwards OP, although expect him to be in touch regularly to change your mind.

littleskittle · 19/03/2018 08:28

Well done! You are very strong and did exactly the right thing, though I'm sure you feel awful right now. I hope he learns from this but suspect from his you describe him that the next poor woman will be subject to the same. Onwards and upwards...Thanks

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 19/03/2018 08:39

Wow, well done.
When you have a down, just think back to that moment when you took control, when you showed him you wouldn’t be fucked around any more.

ICESTAR · 21/03/2018 21:15

Ha amazing op!