“Is this here for a reason?”

[ThornyRose75]

DH is driving me mad! He has such a passive aggressive nippy way of criticising ( just like his DM who he constantly complains about because of the same tendencies!).

For example, If I’ve forgotten to do something or gotten distracted with the kids and left something like a dirty plate out he says things like “Is this here for a reason?”. I left the front door unlocked once whilst in a rush getting the DC out the door for an activity. Got a text saying “Did you mean to leave the front door open?”. Not something I make a habit of, so obviously fucking not!!

Anyone else living with someone who communicates like this? AIBU to get so annoyed by it? He’s not Mr perfect, but I’m much more tolerant of letting things go and not making a big deal about petty crap.

I used to be with someone like that.
I couldn't be added engaging with that kind if behaviour and just gave one word answers back.
That drove them bonkers and I just shrugged it off!!

My husband does it occasionally. I find “yes, to wind you up” or “to give you something to do” work quite well

My dh gets like this when stressed. Most of the time he manages to keep a lid on it, so I know things are getting on top of him when he gets snippy. He has also learnt to apologise if he does occasionally bark at me. Ignore it and carry on as if he hasn't said anything. Leaving his snippy sentence hanging in the air will hopefully help him to realise it's not an appropriate way to talk to you.

Hes treating you like a child. My stbxh did this.

I wouldn’t do well with that...... passive aggressive shite bugs me. I’d bite back. I don’t do being patronised. In fact I doubt I would have survived the first year of your marriage 😜 I would have to tell him to not speak to me in that manner. That it’s clearly either A) an accident (not locking door) or B) not the current priority (dishes) and if it bothers him he can sort it.

I do same as Casamama. He's learning. A bit.

If I'm really annoyed, "Yes, obviously I meant to because I'm REALLY STUPID!"

Passive aggressive as fuck - drives me bonkers. Just say what you mean ffs!! I just make stupid unhelpful comments back ‘yes, I put it there especially for you’. I don’t know what that answer is but I feel your pain OP.

He’s just trying to pick at you and make an argument over nothing. He certainly isn’t trying to help, is he.

I personally cannot stand people who point score and snipe, or make stupid digs.

Sounds like it’s time for a serious talk.

I just look at mine and say ‘sorry?’. That makes him realise it’s a shitty thing to say.

Just tell him "you sound exactly like your mum" every time he does it, that should do the trick!

Just so clarify, I mean ‘sorry’ as in ‘what did you say?’

It's a way of putting you in your place and belittling you, letting you know that he is the superior person.

You should nip it in the bud.

I do tend to make jokey comments back along the same lines as “yes just to annoy you!”. He is a total stress bunny so I do think a lot of it is due to work stress, but then a lot of it also seems to be inherited from his Mum!

Telling him that he sounds just like her does tend to make him stop and think (but these crappy comments do still sneak out)

My DH used to do it, and still occasionally does. I treat it as an actual question, fe, when we first together it was -

him, what’s that shoe box and what is it doing there?

Me, it’s a shoe box and it’s doing fuck all because it’s an inanimate object.

He didn’t quite know what to say.

Lol, Adorabell!

Will try that next time

My STBEx is always making these comments.

Did you mean to leave the outside light on?
Is there a reason why you’ve left X in somesuch place?
Etc

I’ve started replying with a ridiculous answer ... like ... yes, I’ve left the light on for the local wildlife.

Yes, I’ve left it there because there was no room in the [insert ridiculous place for itme&].

Said without looking at him or interrupting whatever I’m doing.

My exH used to do this, so annoying. He still tries to do it now, but I don't see him very often so can just ignore. It.

Did you mean to leave the oven on for four hours after you've finished cooking? He wouldn't just turn it off and casually mention it, there had to be some melodrama about it. I pull my DCs up on this kind of thing, because I don't want them to turn into PA arses like him.

@AdoraBell

Me, it’s a shoe box and it’s doing fuck all because it’s an inanimate object

I love it.

Dh: what's that shoebox doing there?
Op: I don't know, have you asked it?

Works just as well in our house

AdoraBell - genius!

See also 'have we got any .......'. Totally obvious stuff that he knew we would have. Like scissors or coat hangers. Today exH text me 'does DS have any Tshirts?' I want to say, He's a teenager he doesn't wear anything but Tshirts and secondly, he's with you, just fucking ask him.

I try to ignore but I'm going to make up a few retorts now.
I get similar things to the remarks above and "I've closed the fridge for you, or do you want it open". Everything is done....for me, not because it makes sense to just do it.
I've tried doing the same back to OH so he can see how petty it is but I inwardly cringe and can't do it ....I don't think it would register anyway.

My DP has a phrase that drives me nuts - "did you manage to.......get any milk/speak to the teacher/ring the dentist etc??
He gets a sarcastic reply.

Can I be an arsehole and ask what's wrong with the example you gave please itsu ?

Because it's a passive aggressive reminder that you had something to do and making sure you did it.