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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“Is this here for a reason?”

65 replies

ThornyRose75 · 17/03/2018 22:00

DH is driving me mad! He has such a passive aggressive nippy way of criticising ( just like his DM who he constantly complains about because of the same tendencies!).

For example, If I’ve forgotten to do something or gotten distracted with the kids and left something like a dirty plate out he says things like “Is this here for a reason?”. I left the front door unlocked once whilst in a rush getting the DC out the door for an activity. Got a text saying “Did you mean to leave the front door open?”. Not something I make a habit of, so obviously fucking not!!

Anyone else living with someone who communicates like this? AIBU to get so annoyed by it? He’s not Mr perfect, but I’m much more tolerant of letting things go and not making a big deal about petty crap.

OP posts:
ItsuAddict · 18/03/2018 01:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whampiece · 18/03/2018 01:58

I couldn't be arsed to even attempt to find the energy for that level of shite in my day.

I would find that not just a massive turn off but also seriously emotionally draining being so negative all the time. Has he always been this way?

AllThreeWays · 18/03/2018 02:05

Ok, i need help. I use this way of talking because DP perpetually scatters things through the house, majes a mess and leaves it, doesn't put stuff away.
I am becoming resentful as if i don't pick it up, it will just stay there and we would live in a tip.
If i directly ask him to sort it, i would be doing it all day and he would complain I am nagging.
How do I get him not to (unknowingly) treat me like his skivvy, I cannot stand the constant mess and clutter, but don't want to be passive aggressive.
Please help

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/03/2018 02:07

Tell him he’s not your parent & to stop talking to you like that. If he doesn’t stop, follow that up with...

‘I don’t know MILname’

‘Why do you think it might be there?’

...and a channel your inner Paddington!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/03/2018 02:11

AllThreeWays

Just be straight forward ‘DH your crap is everywhere again, you know it annoys me, please put it away’. Then if he accuses you of nagging, ask him who he thinks should put his stuff away and when.

TroubledTribble28 · 18/03/2018 02:17

What an arsehole Angry Brew

mathanxiety · 18/03/2018 03:01

Tell him you are too busy to deal with his stupid games.
Or ask him "Did you mean to be such a patronising, passive aggressive pain in the arse?"
Or tell him you are confident that if he gives his full attention to it, he will come up with some appropriate solution.

Ask him what he intends to do about his problem.

Though having said all that, I used to do witty replies. I then found myself challenging him - 'Don;t speak to me like that/I am not your servant/I don't owe you an explanation of what I have or have not done around here".
In the end it was simply 'Fuck off', sometimes cutting him off in mid sentence. Followed by divorce. The day he moved out was one of the best in my life.

exH did this beginning the day before we married. I should have called off the wedding because of the comment he made when giving me a watch as a present - 'Now perhaps you'll find it possible to be on time'. He did not change. He wanted to feel superior. Chasing me around and finding fault was his way of doing it. I felt under pressure all the time. If I cleaned the bathroom he had a PA comment about the kitchen, and vice versa. If I had not slept for weeks with a newborn he brought up stuff I forgot, like where I had put the keys, and made such a song and dance about it. It was soul destroying. He did it with DS one time and I lost the plot.

AllThreeWays - get a hold of yourself or you will destroy your relationship. The house doesn't have to be the way you want it. It is his home too. The issue is that you can't stand the mess. You have to get to grips with your control issue.

mathanxiety · 18/03/2018 03:10

And of course, in his mind I hadn't a leg to stand on because I was in fact the one who had misplaced the keys. I was the one who was 'not organised enough' to get the whole house as clean as he decreed it should have been, I was the one serving (eyeroll) spag bol yet again - he found something I couldn't deny every single time, and ran with it.

Guilty as charged - it's hard to be organised when you are a zombie from lack of sleep, but there was no sympathy, no empathy, no help apart from him spending a Saturday morning showing me how it's done by superior beings - cleaning up like a human tornado while the DCs and I tried to keep out of the way.

eridanus · 18/03/2018 03:38

well I did leave the emersion on when we went on holidays. My husband went mad over it and now he pulls me over everthing. BUT I don't pull him over gates open, bins not put out, forgetting to collect kids from hobby classes (seriously) but he still goes on about me leaving a light on in the attic last week.

Original poster
ThornyRose75 · 18/03/2018 15:23

Thanks for all your replies. A few good ideas there for retorts!

He doesn’t do it all the time, but every now and again he will make an arsey comment like this. I do think it’s a product of his upbringing and he does try to keep a lid on it.

Work stress does see him slip though, but he’s well aware of my feelings about it, If I tell him he’s sounding like his Mum then he does tend to go off and have a think...then come back and apologise.

I’m sorry to hear that this is something others are dealing with too, but reassured that I’m not being overly sensitive about it x

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/03/2018 16:03

I've just realised STBXH used to do this and that this is one of the reasons why he is STBX...

dudsville · 18/03/2018 16:18

My oh leaves the hob on. I'll say, "you left the hob on". It makes him feel competitive, which was proven last week when I left the hob on and he came running in shouting "you left the hob on!" and then apologised for realising he had been competitive about it! We all make mistakes, the people we spend the most time with will witness more. First rule for a good relationship is don't be a dick. Call him out on his dickery.

NordicNobody · 18/03/2018 17:35

Jesus my partner does this. "Did you leave the light on in the bedroom?" I just think, well did you do it? Did the baby do it? Did the fairies do it? Nope? Must have been me then! Ffs, just turn the sodding light off and if you must say something, "just FYI, you left the light on in the bedroom earlier" is sufficient. No need for the passive aggressive faux ignorance!

greenmagpie · 18/03/2018 17:44

Op I have to say I do this but it's usually because I'm actually giving him the benefit of the doubt eg if he wanted to reuse the plate or to work out the cause of leaving the door open to check it's not a regular thing for him.
If it's an empty packet lying around i might say it to engage his mind a bit more, as saying 'please throw empty packets away' would be treated as background noise to him.

greenmagpie · 18/03/2018 17:45

itsy uggh, imo that's a million times worse!

BogstandardBelle · 18/03/2018 20:25

Is it passive aggressive if you are genuinely asking a question? Like if DH leaves his papers all over the dining table I might say “do these papers need to be here?” And I’m genuinely asking if they need to be there, whether he’s finished with them, and if so can he please put them away?

Wow,is that being passive aggressive? I never really knew what it meant.

luxurybiscuit · 18/03/2018 20:39

If you are genuinely asking whether the papers need to be there then no, not passive aggressive.

If you are annoyed the papers are there, know full well he is done with them but want them tidied away because you fucking hate the mess and he never tidies up but you say ‘are you done with these papers?’ then yes, massively PA, just say what you mean. Say ‘please could you tidy these papers up, the mess really bothers me’. 15 years in here and it is starting to sink in that this is a far more constructive path, but the process has been like pulling teeth!!

luxurybiscuit · 18/03/2018 20:42

& greenmagpie it doesn’t ‘engage his mind more’ it is just a wind up - everybody knows what you are saying but the PA delivery is blood boilingly annoying! Say what you mean - you will be guaranteed better results!

TuftedLadyGrotto · 18/03/2018 20:45

DH doesn't do it much anymore, because like previous posters I used to answer sarcastically "yes, just to annoy you/please you/I like fresh air". Or I call him by his dad's name, "alright FIL". He doesn't want to be like his dad (he knows what effect it had on him.

VioletCharlotte · 18/03/2018 20:54

I used to live with someone like that, it drove me nuts -

'the back door wasn't locked'
'the kitchen window was open'
'why is the kitchen light on when no ones in there?'
'why is the heating on in April?'
'why is the dishwasher in when it's only half full?'

And so on... and on... an on....

After 2 years I left him, I couldn't stand anymore!

wanderings · 18/03/2018 21:11

For me, it's very much about the way it's asked. "Is this meant to be here?" is fine if asked in a light casual tone, but it's seriously objectionable if it sounds like my mum demanding "have you done your homework?". I do believe that asking "is this meant to be here" is generally good; it's communication, rather than moving something that might be needed where it is.

Another thing that drove me mad was "have you laid the table yet?", said urgently and insistently. I would reply with "no, because you didn't ask me to," as indeed he hadn't. If he wants me to do something, within reason I'll do it, if I'm asked to do it.

And one more that I nipped in the bud straight away was when he used to say a lot (perfectly innocently I'm sure) "I should have made you buy milk". Made you buy milk. Nobody makes me do anything. I'm always happy to be asked to do something, though; but to me making = coercing.

It works both ways - he has sometimes tactfully told me about things I say that he doesn't like, and I make an effort to listen.

greenmagpie · 18/03/2018 21:33

luxury with my OH, if you ask him a question, he will consider it, whereas saying something so incredibly unnecessary as 'please throw your rubbish away' literally will hardly be heard. Obviously I don't ask it all the time!

HeidioftheAlps · 18/03/2018 21:38

Very annoying. I'd parrot it back as a question.

"You think i left it there for a reason?"

"You think i left the door open on purpose?"

KathyBeale · 18/03/2018 21:44

My ex boss did this. It drove me up the fucking wall. Especially as I very rarely made a mistake and if I did it was something so teeny he had no need to mention it. It’s annoying but it also chips away at your self-esteem I think. Don’t put up with it.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 18/03/2018 21:48

-is this here for a reason?

-Yes. It's Art.