“Is this here for a reason?”

[ThornyRose75]

DH is driving me mad! He has such a passive aggressive nippy way of criticising ( just like his DM who he constantly complains about because of the same tendencies!).

For example, If I’ve forgotten to do something or gotten distracted with the kids and left something like a dirty plate out he says things like “Is this here for a reason?”. I left the front door unlocked once whilst in a rush getting the DC out the door for an activity. Got a text saying “Did you mean to leave the front door open?”. Not something I make a habit of, so obviously fucking not!!

Anyone else living with someone who communicates like this? AIBU to get so annoyed by it? He’s not Mr perfect, but I’m much more tolerant of letting things go and not making a big deal about petty crap.

Great them like an annoying toddler who keeps asking the same question

‘Did you mean to leave this plate here’?
‘Why do you think I left the plate there’

‘Did you mean to leave the fridge door open’
‘Why do you the hi the fridge door is open’

Answer the question with a question, my ex used to do the passive aggressive thing all the time. WHy he couldn’t simply say ‘shall I pop this plate in the sink or just shut the bloody fridge door I’ll never know

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Inspired by Tracy Emin's unmade bed I'm guessing?

I think jokey sarcastic or witty replies enable these people and continue their chosen form of behaviour. They have no right to talk to anyone let alone their nearest and dearest like that and it's giving their OH a very clear message about their character which should be listened to.

My ex did this and also the 'why are you doing that now' about any job I started at whatever time. Also 'what are you trying to do' as I fixed something and standing round watching me silently waiting to catch me out in some fault as I worked at something.

As others have said, a short 'what's your problem, don't talk to me like that' is more appropriate than any witty response and their response should show you where you really stand. Hence my divorce and freedom from that shit :-)

Oh dear.. I think I’ve never known what passive aggressive is because it’s considered normal communication in my family! Hmm. So instead of “has anyone set the table yet?”(knowing full well they haven’t) I should say “could someone please set the table?”

My mums totally passive aggressive according to this. 50million little comments / and questions that sound totally innocuous but which all mean “you are doing this / that wrong, you should do it the way I do”.

Thank you for the lesson!

Hmm. This is pretty much how I pull my son up on shit.

"You've left an empty can of drink on the floor" gets a "OMG ill put it in the bin fgs" response.

"why has this empty can of drink been on the floor for 3 days?" is a lot more specific and really the only truthful answer is "because I'm a lazy fucker and I don't care if you or the pets cut your feet on it"

It's reasonably OK to pull children up like this though. It's precisely because it's treating them like a child why it's not OK to treat a partner, employee etc like this.

NottheFordtype but that’s exactly it. ‘Why’ questions sound designed to humiliate. ‘Why did you leave the fridge door open?’ ‘Because I’m lazy and thoughtless sir.’
There is no sensible answer other than ‘Because I didn’t realise I had done.’ but obviously the other person knows that. It leads either to an argument or simmering resentment.
Alternative: Person A shuts fridge door, says ‘Hey, you left the fridge door open’ (not in a pissed off way) Person B says ‘Oops, sorry.’ No argument necessary unless Person B is doing it every day.

Some sensitive souls in here. Don't see anything wrong with asking you if you meant to leave the door open.

It's a safety hazard (though many people in the UK love leaving their doors unlocked for anybody to walk in.

Obviously it wasn't your intention but I really don't understand the agro here...

Brownsocks it's the way in which he chooses to communicate it that is the issue. 'You left the front door open, please be more careful' is much better than 'Did you mean to leave the front door open?' If someone does something a bit careless or daft sarcasm really doesn't help. OP if you said to your husband that you find his way of talking to you a bit harsh would he even listen?

Much better I think, to have a kitchen table 'meeting ' with him when you are both in a good mood (so not off the cuff) and have your irks written down in bullet form as well as his. Write down your reactions now and and an idea how to improve the situation.

If it's his and hers it won't feel like an attack and you can both work it out for the best.

Failing that go to Relate but I wouldn't let it go on as niggles are toxic to an otherwise good relationship.

“Did you mean to leave the front door open?”
You - "Did you mean to sound like your mother?"

“Is this here for a reason?”.
You - "Is there a reason you are turning into your mother?"

If he hates how his mother is, use that to your advantage.
Throw her back in his face every time he says anything like this.

@ferrier Yeah the problem is he's 23!!

I have been trying to discuss things like this with him on a more adult-to-adult level, e.g. "When I come home from working a way for a week, our agreement is that you do the chores, for which I pay you an allowance. When I get home and the place is a mess and I then have to spend 75% of my only day off doing housework, it makes me feel really unappreciated."

Meant to say, but it is difficult to always go to that mode and I often revert to "Why is blah blah" because it's something he's done so often and knows I hate that it winds me up. Like leaving dirty plates on the living room floor. I'm no clean freak by any means but there are limits!

He has just done it again. This time, it was .... did you mean to leave your wellington boots outside the front door?

Of course I meant to leave them out there, so they could fill up with rain overnight and prevent me from wearing them today, you numskull!

Why didn’t you bring them indoors, I asked. He mumbled something about having to let the dog out. Pathetic.

Or when people say'can you please post this letter ' for instance, rather than' can you post this letter please '. Makes it sound like you're not going to do something unless they absolutely have to check and make sure you do. like Had a PA boss who was exactly like the father she said stressed her out and she didn't want to be like, and guilty of most of the above, as well as this. It really chipped away at everyone and was awful for team morale and creativity, as well as productivity.