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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Well that was a Shocker 😞

61 replies

Moonie1970 · 17/03/2018 18:46

Struggling to wrap my head around a situation I found myself in last night , I’ve been having issues with my bf of 15 months mostly due to his insecurities about me going out and having a life outside of our relationship together.
I’n peticular one of my friends he doesn’t like as in the past she has had an active sex life , totally fine she’s single can do as she likes , I get told I’m going to be tared with the same brush if I’m out with her .
Anyway met up for a final is it on or off and I was determined to stand my ground and let him know it’s unacceptable to expect me not to have a social life or friends .
I sat there listening to how the last week he has been upset doesn’t want it over , he’s not sleeping, missing me , but still won’t budge on the issue of me going out with said friend .
Anyway I sat and listened to him go on about morals and he doesn’t understand why anyone would cheat and messaging others proves intent as his daughters bf has been caught doing the same .
He pulls out his phone to show me something and guess what comes across the screen a POF notification not one put 2 , I said well there you go you have broken my heart and walked out crying , 15 months together and 2 days after I said I can’t cope in a relationship with out Trust snd he’s on a dating site .
Now his txt messages since have been I only went on there to see if you was on there , what utter crap ,
Gutted he thinks that little of me that I would go straight on to someone new when I was trying to ressolve our problems .
He’s sorry wants to make it work but what an absolute hypocrite and liar .
If I’d not sign notifications and we made up and moved forward he could of potentially still been on there .
I’m so upset , I’ve ended our engagement and planned wedding just as well really better to find out now .
Just looking to see what others perspective is
Thanks I’m advance

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 17/03/2018 18:47

What a hypocrite. He was obviously projecting onto you because of what he was up to himself. You've dodged a bullet there.

DevilsDoorbell · 17/03/2018 18:48

Lucky escape

VaguelyAware · 17/03/2018 18:49

I was about to say the same thing - bullet dodged! What a complete projecting controlling tosspot. Well rid.

SomeKnobend · 17/03/2018 18:50

As you say, much better to find out now. He's a total fucking knob though, in so many ways. Misogynistic, controlling, lying, manipulative, cheating, hypocritical piece of shit. Please raise your standards and don't even think of going anywhere near anyone so crap ever again. Chin up, this feels bad now but it's honestly the best thing that could've happened. He was never worth your time.

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 17/03/2018 18:51

Wanker. You're best rid!

Ryder63 · 17/03/2018 18:52

Yep thank fuck you found out now. Double standards much? You're not 'allowed' to go out with your friend because of her 'loose morals', but he can be on dating sites? Yeah, nope.

Moonie1970 · 17/03/2018 18:53

Thank you your right , unforgivable isn’t it .

It makes me wonder if everyone we fell out he would check up on me to see if I’d gone on there or was just keeping an eye out for other options, who knows he’s ruined everything now .
Honestly the constant sulking and spitting his dummy out every time I wanted to go out and then this .
Got through work today my head in bits , 10 missed calls from him but how can he explain that away . Do you only get notifications like a round Pof sign on Samsung if it’s a conversation reply or notification if someone’s swiped on you , I use an I phone , just asking not that it makes any difference now 😐

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/03/2018 18:55

Lucky escape ftom a cheater and a controller.

Belphegor · 17/03/2018 18:56

It doesn't matter about the notifications, he's a prize twat. Won't let you go out with your friend as she has slept with a bunch of men and has loose morals? Good god, do you really want to be with someone who seems to have time travelled from 1874?

TheVanguardSix · 17/03/2018 18:57

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind!

You dodged a bullet big time. I swear, guys like that are always the biggest players of all. He sounds like a creep. You must wonder who you were actually with these past 15 months. How deceptive!
What a time bandit.

SoleBizzz · 17/03/2018 19:03

He is on POF because he is a disloyal slime. Ugh. I know you must be in hell. It hurts. You will be in doubt. You will contact him. You will learn the hard way.

TERFragetteCity · 17/03/2018 19:06

Top tip in life; if someone is blathering on about something you don't do - usually they are the ones who would or are doing it.

LovingLola · 17/03/2018 19:08

There is nothing to wrap your head around. He's a scumbag.
Move on.

AskBasil · 17/03/2018 19:11

He's an abuser.

You're very lucky you found out he is so early in your relationship.

If you'd been with him for five years and were pregnant with his child, he's the sort who would start hitting you.

Another top tip: A man who tries to control your friendships, will also try and control everything else about you and when he is sure he won't lose you, he will use violence to do so if he can't exert control in other ways.

Next time, you'll recognise that red flag.

LannieDuck · 17/03/2018 19:11

He's controlling - of your friends, your social life and of your morals. Being such a blatant hypocrite on POF is just the final straw.

pallisers · 17/03/2018 19:14

Some day you'll be posting on here on a thread called "boyfriends you are thankful you dumped"

Whether he was looking for himself or looking to check up on you - either is unacceptable.

expatinscotland · 17/03/2018 19:16

The lesson to learn here is the second anyone starts trying to control your life you DUMP them right away.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/03/2018 19:16

This guy is mental.

I'm so glad you're not staying with him.

I’m going to be tared with the same brush if I’m out with her. This was the moment you should have dumped him. This is not a normal person's way of thinking.

userabcname · 17/03/2018 19:20

Yep to echo previous posters - anyone who is paranoid about being cheated on is invariably a cheat themself! I'm sorry you're upset OP but honestly thank goodness you got out now before wasting any more time on that loser.

Beeziekn33ze · 17/03/2018 19:26

A friend's second husband didn't want her to stay friends with me. About 2 years later he'd forced her, her 2 DC, and their baby, out of the family home to move his best friend's wife in.
I wasn't surprised when she found a new boyfriend who also disapproved of me. He couldn't manage to control himself when her youngest DC spilt cornflakes ...
There are some sad and insecure (but controlling!) men around!!

StarsShine · 17/03/2018 19:27

You get notifications on pof if he you have a new message, someone wants to meet you, your matches and sometimes when it's a busy period on the app. Your better off without him.

Allthecoolkids · 17/03/2018 19:30

It doesn’t matter why he was on POF.

He’s a controlling prick and you’ve had a lucky escape.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 17/03/2018 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowyhere2018 · 17/03/2018 19:42

It won't be much comfort now, but he sounds like a control freak and not someone you really want to be in a long term relationship. Put it this way, if you imagine your OP was from a friend would you be advising her he's a catch?

Gemini69 · 17/03/2018 19:43

He's a total fucking knob though, in so many ways. Misogynistic, controlling, lying, manipulative, cheating, hypocritical piece of shit

This is bang on.... what a dirty Creep he is... you're well shot Lady Flowers