Well that was a Shocker 😞

[Moonie1970]

Struggling to wrap my head around a situation I found myself in last night , I’ve been having issues with my bf of 15 months mostly due to his insecurities about me going out and having a life outside of our relationship together.
I’n peticular one of my friends he doesn’t like as in the past she has had an active sex life , totally fine she’s single can do as she likes , I get told I’m going to be tared with the same brush if I’m out with her .
Anyway met up for a final is it on or off and I was determined to stand my ground and let him know it’s unacceptable to expect me not to have a social life or friends .
I sat there listening to how the last week he has been upset doesn’t want it over , he’s not sleeping, missing me , but still won’t budge on the issue of me going out with said friend .
Anyway I sat and listened to him go on about morals and he doesn’t understand why anyone would cheat and messaging others proves intent as his daughters bf has been caught doing the same .
He pulls out his phone to show me something and guess what comes across the screen a POF notification not one put 2 , I said well there you go you have broken my heart and walked out crying , 15 months together and 2 days after I said I can’t cope in a relationship with out Trust snd he’s on a dating site .
Now his txt messages since have been I only went on there to see if you was on there , what utter crap ,
Gutted he thinks that little of me that I would go straight on to someone new when I was trying to ressolve our problems .
He’s sorry wants to make it work but what an absolute hypocrite and liar .
If I’d not sign notifications and we made up and moved forward he could of potentially still been on there .
I’m so upset , I’ve ended our engagement and planned wedding just as well really better to find out now .
Just looking to see what others perspective is
Thanks I’m advance

I was engaged to a man like this. It started with exactly the same thing - "you can't see friend x because she sleeps around". It then progressed to telling me what I could and couldn't wear, and having me followed to and from work to make sure I went sure I went straight there and back without speaking to anyone. Then he started breaking my stuff during arguments, forcing me to give him money, threatening to have me killed if I left him, and telling me I wasn't allowed to use any contraception as this was a sign I was cheating on him, but if I got pregnant he'd kill me. I ended up moving to a different continent just to escape him. If you get the chance to leave at the first red flag, don't ever wait for the second one. Men like this are dangerous and very very good at making you think that you're the unreasonable one. You have had a very lucky escape!

Coincidentally the friend he didn't want me seeing was my biggest support and getting rid of her was essential to isolating me and destroying my support system. I wonder if you're friend represents something similar?

The trick is that they think you will feel wanted and cherished by them wanting you all to themselves . But in fact as everyone has pointed out it is actually just a control game . My fist boyfriend was the same . Saw me every single day and told me what to wear , how to have my hair etc. But what I never realised until,years later was he was seeing other girls after he took me home . Late at night .

And yet he was making out he was jealous of me .

You have have had a lucky escape .

NordicNobody

Do you believe in fate?
If so I'd be thanking my lucky stars that those notifications popped up and steered you away from marrying this dick.

He sounds like a controlling arse.

Im sorry it's still painful though

Anyone who started telling me who I could or couldn’t see would be out of the door faster than a speeding bullet. Never mind alerts from dating apps, it would not have got that far.

You are well rid.

You have two issues here:

1. the dating site
2. his controlling nature.

NO WAY should you want to be with somedone who tries to stop you zseeing your friends. Doesn't matter if he likes them or hates them, they're your friends and you have the right to go out with them.

AND YOU'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER 15 MONTHS!!!! This is meant to be your honeymoon period!!!!!!Seems very early to be living together and engaged. Was this his idea too??

Sounds like you've had a bloody lucky escape, OP.

You’ve had a lucky escape. He sounds awful. Go out with your “unsuitable” friend and paint the town red!

Quite often a person is insecure because they know that they themselves are capable of cheating.

You sound better off without him.

The lesson to learn here is the second anyone starts trying to control your life you DUMP them right away.

^^

This. 100%
If all women followed this, abusive, manipulating controlling men would be on their own and rightly so.

Thankyou for the replies, l appreciate each and every one . I’ll be ok I’ve been through worse and come out the other side . I’ve low self esteem due to an abusive 8 year relationship physical and mental , I went through hell family court and magistrate court to get him out of my life , even representing myself , I know I need long term counciling, that’s what makes it hurt more he knows my past yet still tried to dictate to me himself after a period of you guessed it love bombing. I know the script .
My head hurts my anxiety is sky high and I’m keeping it all together so my youngest doesn’t pick up on anything.
Time for some self love

I wonder if he was worried about your particular friend spotting him on POF and similar and telling you?

So pleased you've escaped him

Ah! such men hone in on vulnerable women. In time, you'll find the perfect man for you. A period of self love is definitely in order. None of this is your fault. It's all him and same for your abusive ex. You'll come through this stronger, and with your twat radar finely tuned. Lots of support here when you want to vent or feel down. You are so so lucky you found out about the POF thing or you may have continued on into a totally subjugating marriage and lost yourself completely.
Don't look back

My ears are ringing from the fucking alarm bells.

You are well rid of this insecure, controlling and misogynistic arsehole. Oh, and dishonest. Enjoy your time with your friend. Who is totally entitled to sleep with whoever she likes.

It sounds to me as though he is so insecure that thinking your relationship might end, he needed to open up an avenue through which to get attention. Whatever his reason it was way out of order and so hypocritical. Insecure, needy and showed total lack of respect. Definitely made the right decision. Of course you are hurt and upset but far better to find out now.

HE probably targeted yoy BECAUSE you have been badly affected by your past relationship.

He is abusive and youve found out when you can still easily walk away. Block his number on everything.

It sounds like he doesn't trust you and he cannot be trusted. Pretty much a recepie for disaster. So you have made a lucky escape!

Any man who thinks your friend will be able to talk you into having an affair has a very low opinion of:
a) you
b) himself
c) your friend

You are better off without him.

He's a total pain in the arse. How can you even have a relationship with an insecure control freak who wants to bore on about things being his way all the time? I'm sorry that would be way too much talking for me. I'd send him on his way with a yawn. Life is too short for the type of people who can't just bloody get on with relationship and try to make it nice. Always looking around for an issue to put a spoke in things so they can go on and on and never shut up. Draining the joy out of life. No thanks.

& he sounds weidly pre-occupied with your friend's life and sex life too. That's a big red flag waving in your face

I’d have binned him off the second he slut-shamed my friend and tried to slut-shame me. You are well rid.

In my country we have a saying-

When the wolf comes squeeling like a pig,
It's a pig,
When the pig comes squeeling like a pig,
It's a wolf,
But when the pig roars he is always the wolf.

Moonie

Lucky escape there and you were well and truly targeted by him. These abusive men really do hate women, all of them.

I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid particularly if you have never done this as well as read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. All this will help you strengthen and shore up your currently too low boundaries in relationships. Also consider what you have learnt about relationships to date and unlearn the crap through therapy too.

Love your own self for a change.

You might want to look at doing the freedom programme and working on your relationship boundaries before you start seeing anyone again. This guy was controlling potentially abusive, and you are fortunate you've discovered his infidelity as a motivator to dump him. But you need to be recognising the other red flags in his behaviour.

Women who have been in an abusive relationship, are often vulnerable to getting into similar relationships, so you need to look out for those behaviours in boyfriends.

Yep total control freak in the making, well rid OP. Him wanting you to ditch a friend, would be just the beginning, you deserve better. No one should expect you to drop a friend or change how you dress, makeup hair etc. Good luck.

I was trying to resolve our problems

This stood out for me, he is the problem, he had the issues with control yet you were taking responsibility to fix the relationship.Our conditioning forces us to see "problems" aka his issues as a joint responsibility.
This is also my lesson to learn.

You are so fortunate that the dating text happened so take it as a sign you are being directed to leave him.

Be strong and keep away, he will want to protect his investment in you rather than risk being alone for a while. I predict he will get angry once he knows you are resolute and blame you for cheating.
Do you have a ties with him, even stuff at each others houses? If so get your lively friend to drop them off

Thank you everyone, I’m meeting my friend for Sunday lunch going to find a pub with a cozy fire 🔥 and talk it through with her she doesn’t know the extent of the disgusting things he was saying about her and I wouldn’t tell her either , why hurt her feelings , she doesn’t know about the dating thing she only knew he had an issue with her being single and me going out with her .
There was so many red flags I am financially out of pocket to and did everything for him bar wipe his backside , he is back living with his mum now .
He has my key everything else he got back , I’m a little bit numb and feel dead inside today is that normal.