What do I do about this man?

[notenoughbottletonight]

I met someone last October. He's 12 years older than me and works somewhere that i visit quite frequently. It started out as an fwb situation and after a month or so we went out on a few dates. Just before Xmas I did something to upset him and we fell out for a few weeks but made up mid jan. After we had a bit of a row he said that he didn't like seeing me with other people or around other men. Since then we've see each other several times a week, whether it be me seeing him when I go out, him coming round or him asking me to pop into his work to see him. He texts me on and off every day. He made it clear in the beginning that he didn't want a relationship.

Six weeks ago I met someone else but finished it yesterday as I've realised that I really love this other man. He knew previously that I had strong feelings for him and on a night out a month ago told my friend that the main reason he couldn't be with me is that he doesn't want kids or the family thing. Just to say I have a lot of free time owing to my children's dad seeing them quite a bit/mum babysitting. We are really good friends and can talk for hours. A few days ago we discussed going on holiday together and he's booked a long haul holiday for us in a place that my friend says is indicative of being a romantic holiday. We go in six weeks. I've had discussions with him about me splitting up with this current bf due to the bf wanting kids and agreed I was doing the right thing. He's told me recently that he has been chatting to someone else but yesterday said that they hadn't spoken for a week and that he couldn't be bothered anymore. He also told me the other day that I'm the only person he's met who truly understands his work commitments - long, antisocial hours.

I don't know what to do with the situation. I think about him constantly. Two of the girls he works with said that I should stay in my relationship as it would be good for mine and this mans friendship and that they know what he's like with commitment etc which he knows about. I'm counting down the days to this holiday and dreading that he ends up seeing someone before we go.

What do I do? I'm scared if I'm honest with him again, as I was before, that I'll scare him off.

It's never sensible to avoid honesty to keep someone around.

Sorry, bit confusing, sering older man (A) as fwb, only wants to be fwb as he doesn't want kids or commitment. You started dating man B, but dumped man B as you have falken for A.

A has booked a holiday for you both (or both and your kids) but just as friends, or as fwb, not a romantic holiday.

You don't kniw whether to tell A you like him before holiday in case you scare him off, or just krrp quite and go as fwb?

I did something to upset him and we fell out for a few weeks but made up mid jan. After we had a bit of a row he said that he didn't like seeing me with other people or around other men. people at all or just men in a romantic way? If it's the first-run. and what about your kids-how does he feel about them? Dunno, op, my Spidey senses are going batshit here.

'He made it clear in the beginning he didn't want a relationship.'

That tells you everything you need to know.

Yes Joyce you've got it in one!

I’m probably going to get shot down in flames for saying this but I don’t think you should be leaving your kids to go on a long haul flight with someone you aren’t in a relationship with.
He’s been honest with how he feels, so listen to him. I’d go no contact if I was you

Ohwhat just other men in a romantic way. Where he works is somewhere I go on nights out. He didn't like it because we'd been sleeping together and told me that night that he liked me more than he realised and has lately told me he's attached to me (before I met now ex bf). Sorry it's so confusing.

Armygirl - I understand your pov but in all honesty I have a lot of pressure in my life due to having one dd with autism and another with AN. When I told the head this morning at they're school she said I really needed it, I've been in tears several times at school lately.

He likes having you on a string is all. If he wanted a proper relationship with you you'd know. Dunno how you can stand the faffing.

Is he a bouncer?

No he's a manager of a restaurant. I can't stand the faffing no. The bloke I've just split up with was besotted with me and lovely to me but I can't get over this man.

I'm with Armygirl and category12 on this one.

He is using you for sex - which (I suppose)was fine when you were doing the same with him - but now you have developed feelings for him (not surprising, as you are emotionally very vulnerable).

As long as you are available to him sexually, and don't make any demands, and live your life the way HE wants you to live it, you will continue to have a relationship with him.

Is this really what you want? You are worth much more than this.

Schadenfreud you are possibly right. He does like having me there when he wants me.

I probably am worth more if that's what it is but is it? He's a massive emotional support to me too. Always on the end of the phone, cheers me up when I need it and comes round when I e had a bad day. Sometimes arc isn't involved at all. Often we'll just watch a film and hold hands.

Did he ask you where you wanted to go, and discuss details, or just decide where he wanted to go, and book for two?

You can't get over him because you're still engaging with him and allowing him to mess you about. Cut contact and move on.

We sat down over two whole days together looking for somewhere. We were initially going to Spain but we were a bit unsure about the weather.

I've tried cutting contact before but I just can't keep away from him. It well known that we've been seeing each other for a while so it's not a secret but everyone thinks we are friends currently.

You can, you just won't.

So you really like man A, but he is never going to commit...whereas you would like someone to commit?

I can see an issue otherwise.

He isn't going to be with you 100% forever, so either you chose to cut your loses sooner rather than later, or wait to be hurt.

If you tell him before the holiday he will still be nice to you while in holiday then be cool after the holiday (and you'll wonder why).

Don't tell him anything atm. It just makes you more vulnerable.

Yeah I can I just don't want to cause I can't imagine not having him in my life 😕

I won't tell him before we go Lynette based on what you've said. I suppose I'm just hoping that the holiday changes something? I do want him to commit, at least a bit.

People (especially women for some reason) don’t like listening to things they don’t want to hear. He made it clear he didn’t want a relationship but for whatever reason you didn’t hear that, thought you could change his stance and now you’re complaining that he hasn’t? He hasn’t been duplicitous here.

If you want a relationship, find someone else who does too because he evidently doesn’t. It’s hardly the beginning of a blossoming long term romance when you’ve both been seeing other people.

I always cringe slightly when i red 'but i really love him' - it usually means the OH is an arse and the OP slightly needy, clingy, scared-to-be-alone. It's usually completely one-sided, and as such,the one with the Power (ie him) gets to string you along for as long as you put up with it.

Please take a long look at this, OP. He doesn't want a relationship - he's happy as FWB.

Whereas the 'lovely' man you met - does want a relationship. And you broke up with him.

Please don't be strung along. No man is worth that.

I'm now doubting going on this holiday. I have visions of him actually making a decision on us whereas from what I've read here I'm completely wrong and just wasting my time.