What do I do about this man?

[notenoughbottletonight]

I met someone last October. He's 12 years older than me and works somewhere that i visit quite frequently. It started out as an fwb situation and after a month or so we went out on a few dates. Just before Xmas I did something to upset him and we fell out for a few weeks but made up mid jan. After we had a bit of a row he said that he didn't like seeing me with other people or around other men. Since then we've see each other several times a week, whether it be me seeing him when I go out, him coming round or him asking me to pop into his work to see him. He texts me on and off every day. He made it clear in the beginning that he didn't want a relationship.

Six weeks ago I met someone else but finished it yesterday as I've realised that I really love this other man. He knew previously that I had strong feelings for him and on a night out a month ago told my friend that the main reason he couldn't be with me is that he doesn't want kids or the family thing. Just to say I have a lot of free time owing to my children's dad seeing them quite a bit/mum babysitting. We are really good friends and can talk for hours. A few days ago we discussed going on holiday together and he's booked a long haul holiday for us in a place that my friend says is indicative of being a romantic holiday. We go in six weeks. I've had discussions with him about me splitting up with this current bf due to the bf wanting kids and agreed I was doing the right thing. He's told me recently that he has been chatting to someone else but yesterday said that they hadn't spoken for a week and that he couldn't be bothered anymore. He also told me the other day that I'm the only person he's met who truly understands his work commitments - long, antisocial hours.

I don't know what to do with the situation. I think about him constantly. Two of the girls he works with said that I should stay in my relationship as it would be good for mine and this mans friendship and that they know what he's like with commitment etc which he knows about. I'm counting down the days to this holiday and dreading that he ends up seeing someone before we go.

What do I do? I'm scared if I'm honest with him again, as I was before, that I'll scare him off.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. I think it sounds like he does want to be in a relationship, likes having regular sex, cosy nights on the sofa, company etc etc, and you'll do in the meantime.

So... a bit of an update. Had a heart to heart last night and he told me that we'll never have a future as he just doesn't want kids and sees me as a best friend. He doesn't want to lose me and he still really wants me to come on holiday with him. We haven't had sex for weeks now just seen each other as friends and nothing else, feeling a bit heart broken but don't know what to do about this holiday so what do you think? We had a long conversation and he's told me that I'm one of the best friends he's ever had and that he wants itnto stay that way. We've got this holiday booked though and now I don't know what to do. He's told me the holiday will be good for our friendship and that I need the break, which I do. Really not sure what to do now, I was really looking forward to it but in my head I was looking forward to some time to try and cement things with us a bit. I'm so confused. Do I go?

He's been on a few dates with a single child free woman too

Don't go on the holiday and don't see him for at least a while.

If you see him or go, emotionally you will still be hoping.

A clean break will allow you to get over him. Maybe in the future you can be friends if that is what you want.

He is being really clear. If you go on the holiday go as friends, don’t have sex and try and move away from the fwb thing.

I would go on the holiday but strictly as friends, not FWB.

I would back off completely.
Go on the holiday and enjoy it as 'friends only'
No sex, no romantic stuff, just friends.
Can you do that?
If not, then cancel.
He's really messing with your head and that makes him a total prick.
But you are letting him do this to you.
Please stop undervaluing yourself.
You KNOW you deserve far better.
You had it too, but you threw it away because you didn't think you deserved happiness.
I wonder why not????
Counselling might help you work through all of this.

Don’t go. You are too emotionally invested in this man. I guarantee you will end up having sex and then being even more upset afterwards. FWB is not for everyone.

Don’t go, you want different things and you are not ready to pretend otherwise.

He’s already started seeing someone else but he’s going on holiday with his supposed ex fwb and he persuaded you to dump a man who was offering you what he knew he couldn’t. This man is many things but a best friend isn’t one of them,

You fell for a fantasy and he he was devious enough to give you a taste of what you wanted without making promises and the cf is still trying it on with ‘best friend’ talk in order to secure a holiday shag companion.

This man used you and you let him. Move on.

Does he mean he wants all intimacy to stop, too (like a normal friendship)? Will you have seperate rooms?

If you wont have seperate rooms. Dont go! You will almost definitely end up sleeping together which will be a big step back.

If you will, then I would consider going. But you need a break, and it wont be a very good break if you cant truly relax whilst you are away. If you go, no sex, no hand holding or couple-y stuff.

I assume you have childcare sorted for the holiday, so you have the option of taking some time to yourself at home for a few days (or the duration) anyway. I dont think you need to feel bad about him paying out for the holiday (if thats in your thought process)- im sure he will 1. Understand and 2. Be able to invite someone else potentially.

Seeing as you need to spend some time to cool off. It might be easier to do that starting now, than to appear to go on the holiday then come back and start. If you do go on the holiday then make it clear when you come back you will be taking some time to yourself away from him.

Thanks for everyone's replies. I've had a chat with some friends too and I'm going to go. May not be the best choice but I need to accept that we will be friends and nothing more. We will be sharing a bed as it's too expensive to have separate rooms but I am actually hoping he'll be in a relationship with this other woman by then as it means that we won't have sex. I really need a break too and if the childcare I've sorted find out I'm not going then they will retract any offer of help which means I won't get any kind of break and I desperately need one given the circumstances of my home life at the moment. My head is a bit of a mess and after the holiday I will be taking an extended period of time away from him.

Oh op, sharing a bed? Even with your best intentions, the away from real life feeling of being on a holiday will be seeing you having sex with him.

Sharing a bed...

Oh come on!

But you're an adult, do the foolish thing and drag this out and waste your time.

I don't think he is messing with your head. You are messing with your head

Read this back.

So he doesn't want a relationship with you but also doesn't want you to be with anyone else. He however is now seeing someone else and you're going on holiday with him and intend to share a bed. Like a soap story. Only you can clear your head an stop him messing with you.

Wonder if he's told the woman he is seeing that he going on holiday with a female 'friend' who will be sharing a bed?

Op, why not admit that you are loving the angst and drama that goes along with shagging a player, which he very obviously is.

Pages of others giving you sensible advice and you carry on regardless, thinking you will change his mind even though he has very clearly stated he doesn't want a relationship with you. Try listening to him instead of dreaming up whatever deluded bollocks you are telling yourself.

No doubt you will be back here after the holiday feeling used, blah, blah.

Some men treat women like shit, and some women make it spectacularly easy for them to do. Have a fucking word with yourself, op.

I know the score now. He's been more than honest with me and if I get hurt then I've allowed it myself. For the record we've shared a bed loads of times without having sex. I know it sounds stupid that I'm still going but I am literally on the edge of s breakdown with the pressure I have going on at home. This is my only opportunity to get away, especially given I'd never be able to afford it myself.

Go on the holiday. You really need a break! Deep down you probably knew he wasn't in it for the long haul. Just enjoy yourself and what goes on holiday stays on holiday. You will cope fine.

Have a great time!!

We will be sharing a bed 🤦🏻‍♀️

I get that you need a holiday but this is a terrible idea once alcohol is thrown into the mix

This guy has been very honest -save yourself more pain and listen.

If you must go
-Almost all hotel rooms have a pull out sofa option see if you can upgrade or change to that.
-Consider planning a couple of day trips s on your own without him to clear your head
-stay off the booze

Go on the holiday strictly as friends. Ask the hotel if they can give you a room with a pull out bed or swap the double room for a twin. Book yourself some solo activities so you get some time apart. In the meantime make certain all interactions with him are friends only, no flirting or sexy stuff. Hopefully by the time you go you will have managed to train your brain to see him differently.

Took so long typing that that trojanpony beat me to it.