What do I do about this man?

[notenoughbottletonight]

I met someone last October. He's 12 years older than me and works somewhere that i visit quite frequently. It started out as an fwb situation and after a month or so we went out on a few dates. Just before Xmas I did something to upset him and we fell out for a few weeks but made up mid jan. After we had a bit of a row he said that he didn't like seeing me with other people or around other men. Since then we've see each other several times a week, whether it be me seeing him when I go out, him coming round or him asking me to pop into his work to see him. He texts me on and off every day. He made it clear in the beginning that he didn't want a relationship.

Six weeks ago I met someone else but finished it yesterday as I've realised that I really love this other man. He knew previously that I had strong feelings for him and on a night out a month ago told my friend that the main reason he couldn't be with me is that he doesn't want kids or the family thing. Just to say I have a lot of free time owing to my children's dad seeing them quite a bit/mum babysitting. We are really good friends and can talk for hours. A few days ago we discussed going on holiday together and he's booked a long haul holiday for us in a place that my friend says is indicative of being a romantic holiday. We go in six weeks. I've had discussions with him about me splitting up with this current bf due to the bf wanting kids and agreed I was doing the right thing. He's told me recently that he has been chatting to someone else but yesterday said that they hadn't spoken for a week and that he couldn't be bothered anymore. He also told me the other day that I'm the only person he's met who truly understands his work commitments - long, antisocial hours.

I don't know what to do with the situation. I think about him constantly. Two of the girls he works with said that I should stay in my relationship as it would be good for mine and this mans friendship and that they know what he's like with commitment etc which he knows about. I'm counting down the days to this holiday and dreading that he ends up seeing someone before we go.

What do I do? I'm scared if I'm honest with him again, as I was before, that I'll scare him off.

@notenoughbottletonight I understand how you feel because I am in sort of an identical situation and it's hard when you really like them but for my own sanity I have cut contact because it's easier than wondering what if and why . You will feel better with time and it does get easier.
We always want what we cannot have . Goodluck to you

Whereas he may just be wanting a holiday with someone he likes and enjoys having sex with, someone to share an experience with and have fun.

While you're envisioning focused time equating to some kind of resolution regarding a relationship, it's quite possible his thoughts have gone no further than 'great I can have x days in the sun with my friend so I have company and sex.'

It might be important to figure out if this is likely before pinning hopes on a holiday that could lead to more stress given your current stress with parenting pressures?

It's soooo not supposed to be this confusing op.

He's making it REALLY obvious that he doesn't want to give you want you want, but you seem dead set on ignoring what he's telling you, at all costs.

Dickhead A likes sex with you and fancies a holiday with you but wants to keep his options open so he can fuck and go on holiday with other people if he wishes.

Potentially nice guy B was after commitment and a proper girlfriend.

And you dumped B so have missed out on seeing where that goes for someone who has told you it's going nowhere?

Good luck!

I do want him to commit, at least a bit.

You cant commit just a bit, that's the opposite of committing! Trust me, I've been there, wasted years and years of my life doing that. Please, take what self regard you have left and cancel the holiday.

Wait - older man A has been clear to tell you that he just want a no-relationhip, FWB scenario (basically sex on tap) and younger man B wants a committed relationship (which you want) - so you dump B and are now booked to go on holiday with A in the (silly) hope he will suddenly change his mind re commitment (when he has been clear he doesn't want this)?

Older man A has been clear but yet you have chosen to ignore him in the hope of something that will never happen. In the meantime - you have given up something potential with younger man B.

Good luck with it OP.

I've been stupid I know. However what's been underestimated is that balance of us having sex to meeting as friend is like 40:60 so it's not all about that. I can't miss this holiday, it's one of those that is a once in a lifetime and I'd never be able to afford it myself.

Well if you choose to go, do so with your eyes open. Don't set your expectations high that things will change. You have children, he doesn't want the 'family' thing. Bit of a non starter really.
Looks to me like you're setting yourself up for being hurt by hoping for too much here.

Since then we've see each other several times a week, whether it be me seeing him when I go out, him coming round or him asking me to pop into his work to see him.

OP have you been to HIS house?

5Blue I wouldn't involve my children in any future relationship as we were all hurt badly by the last one however you are right. I wish I could just see him as a friend I really do.

Somekind yes I've been there loads and slept there at least once a week up until recently

You're thinking maybe he is or will come around to your way of thinking. He is probably thinking exactly the same. He has said he doesnt want a committed relationship, and from his perspective you have taken that in your stride and are cool with it.

Im not sure why you think he hasnt made a decision on you (and that he will make one maybe on holiday). It sounds like he made it a while ago and told you straight?

I think going away is fine, though. Enjoy yourself. Just remind yourself that it is what it is- and that is something which isnt going to progress.

Dirtybadger, he told me he was really attached to me and when we argued around Xmas he told me that he didn't realise he'd end up having feelings for me. It's almost like he's stopping himself from becoming emotionally involved? When we have sex we don't just go straight to it. He's told me he likes the fact that we hold hands and stuff. It's just so confusing

When I told the head this morning at they're school she said I really needed it, I've been in tears several times at school lately.

Really????

I would assume he is actively trying to stop any feelings developing. Because thats what you have to do with a fwb situation, generally. They break down when people arent so good at this. It was a bit cruel of him to dangle it in front of you like that.

It will probably make the holiday awkward if you ask before, so why not simply ask when you come back from the holiday if he is still wanting to continue with no view of a LTR. If he says yes, then ditch and move on (unless you change your mind and can distance yourself more emotionally from him, see other people, etc). Unfortunately really liking someone isnt always enough to warrant giving up the lifestyle you enjoy (and are entitled to)...so you need to know his views on a relationship more so than his "feelings".

OP, I have just come from a situation like that . Started out as FWB . Time spent just listening to music , chatting , eating etc as well as sex. He also subsequently told me that he was attached to me like he had been with no one else before , to look him in the eyes when we were having sex etc, holding hands when he was coming etc etc ...where are we now ? He has moved on because I started to reciprocate the feelings which was a natural result of what he was doing and saying . They want the whole boyfriend experience but no real relationship. It won't change . They do this to bind you to them .

LovingLola Yes really, what's so hard to believe about that? I'm a single mum to three kids, two of whom have special needs. I've volunteered within my kids small school and have a good relationship there with the staff.

Dirtybadger - I like that idea. Think it's a good one to just enjoy the holiday and then go from there when we get back. If there's no LTR in sight that's when I'll back off because I don't think I can just do the fwb thing with him for much longer.

Been there - do you still see him now then? It's such a difficult situation to be in when emotions begin to come into play isn't it?

OP I havent seen him for a few weeks now and it is killing me. I feel he has been very unfair in how he has played it . I have no choice but to move on. He has it would seem. If I had someone offering me a proper relationship I would jump at it .

Am I missing something here? He wants to go on holiday with you ffs. To me that spells more than a FWB situation. OK, he might have started out thinking that but has obviously moved on and is thinking longer term. I've never had a FWB that wants to take me on holiday. I'd go for it. Spending that much time with someone 24/7 will pretty much determine your relationship with each other. It'll be make or break time. I get that you are unsure atm but don't overthink it and just have a good time. Sounds like you deserve it. x

"16/03/2018 19:44 notenoughbottletonight

Yeah I can I just don't want to cause I can't imagine not having him in my life 😕"

But he's only been in your life a few months, some of that has been arguments, splitting up, seeing other people etc. I think the man you've fallen for is very different to the reality of who this man actually is. Texting can foster this as it's easy to be nice and supportive everyday without any tangible commitment. This holiday is a big problem he's thrown into the mix now too. If you could possibly go just for the break and not use it to feed the romantic illusion, I'd say go for it, but when you talk about how it's "killing me" not to see him, I really doubt that's possible. Fundamentally he isn't what you want or need as a partner so I'd book your own holiday. Otherwise I fear you'll be paying for it emotionally for a long time to come.

You can finish a relationship with someone you love. You will find it difficult. This man doesn't want the same things as you. You can't change him (and shouldn't).

I am going to say something harsh here for which I do apologise but may it s the dcs he does not want to be involved with?

I work in a special school and I have seen many biological fathers run away on their own kids. I would not be surprised at all if he wants the fun and sex with you but not the crying with exhaustion in the head s office....

Again, sorry op

End it. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He’s told you that so you should believe it. He’s said he doesn’t want kids and you have kids so he’s not going to change his mind on that. He does, however, like you being besotted by him as an ego boost so he’s keeping you available for sex by convincing you to end what could have been a promising relationship with B. That was a shitty thing to do. If he had wanted a full relationship with you, he’d have said so then but he didn’t.

If you’re determined to go on this holiday then think of it as a farewell tour - enjoy yourself and then say goodbye at the end. And don’t end a committed relationship you’re enjoying for the prospect of an ongoing fwb/headfuck situation again.