Should I reach out to friend after fall out

[Fuller2018]

NC for this post.

About a year ago I fell out with a very good friend. We were meant to be going to a concert with her two sisters but I was pregnant with SPD and couldn't stand for long periods so tried to swap standing tickets to seats. The venue couldn't swap all 4 of us and my friend wasn't prepared to go 2+2 (so her two sisters keep standing and me and friend have seats - not ideal but meant we could all still go). Because she wouldn't do this it meant I either had to sit on my own or not go at all. Maybe I was unreasonable but I was hurt about it as the concert was my suggestion in the first place and it seemed she would rather I didn't go than leave her two sisters.

I told her how I felt and it could have been resolvable but she pretty much told me I was being silly and to get over it, and that was probably what caused the biggest issue - that she didn't take me seriously. We've not spoken since.

There had been other little things prior to this that I hadn't spoken to her about but I'd felt a bit let down with. I chose not to discuss them at the time for the sake of the friendship but then when the above happened, for me it felt like the final straw (but she didn't know this).

However over this last year I've still thought about her and miss her, but then I'm not sure if I'm just forgetting what it felt like at the time. I think having DS has made me realise what's important in life though, which is why I'm considering reaching out to her.

I've also found out today, by chance, she has since been pregnant and had a baby. We used to always talk about being on maternity leave together. So it makes me kind of sad that we've missed out on this, as I'm still on mat leave.

Anyway I don't know what I should do. Part of me wants to reach out to her, maybe with a written letter, but I'm scared of rejection and also being hurt again in the future.

The other part of me feels like I just need to move on but I'm not sure if I really have any closure on this.

Any thoughts?

Just bumping as had some problems with duplication which MNHQ have kindly sorted!

Why not reach out and say you have missed her and are sorry how things ended. At least you will know for sure.

Can you send her a congratulations card and see if she responds, I would tread carefully op.

Well, I think you were unreasonable in the first place, but its up to you.

The congratulations card would def be odd as I only found out because she changed her WhatsApp picture and I still had our thread of messages so saw the picture. Not sure how long ago she changed the picture as I was just doing a clean up of deleting old chats (I hardly ever delete WhatsApp, messenger or text messages!).

@sidewayswithatescotrolley would you like to elaborate?

Congratulations whats ap then. I saw you changed your pic. Did you have a baby. I'm happy for you etc.

Reach out, expect little and see what happens

I also think you were in the wrong about the concert, you owe her a huge apology, that may be a good place that start.

Why was I wrong?

Honestly, bonnyshide and sidewayswithatescotrolley you'd leave your pregnant friend to sit alone at a gig rather then just move to sit with her?

Look at it this way- you have nothing to lose as you've already lost her friendship. I think a text with an apology about how things ended will likely go a long way, she may choose to ignore but she may be really grateful and want to get things back on track

Because you wanted to alter the original plans and split the group to suit you, the tickets had been bought and you could no longer attend, why not just gracefully bow out instead. It's really quite selfish.

The fact that you still can't see that is probably proof that contacting her is not the correct thing to do, the conversation will go like this:

You: hi I've missed you, congratulations etc.

Her: nice to hear from you, I'm glad you saw sense in the end, I'm ready to accept your apology.

You: I was right, I still am. I'm expecting an apology.

(And you're both back to square and all the hurt is dredged up again)

Honestly, bonnyshide and sidewayswithatescotrolley you'd leave your pregnant friend to sit alone at a gig rather then just move to sit with her?

I wouldn't, no. I would move to sit with her. But if I was the pregnant friend I would not ask someone to do that, and I certainly wouldn't fall out with a friend over it either.

I agree with others that you were in the wrong and don't see what being pregnant has to do with your ability to be alone at a gig or not. It was you who needed to sit, she didn't want to or have to, to make a fuss about not getting your own way is silly, and you're still indignant about it so I fear that will come through even if you try to draw a line under it. But if you do miss the friendship and are willing to suck it up and make amends, then it's worth a try. Agree that it'd be nice to congratulate her on DC.

Honestly, does it really matter whose fault the concert thing was? It was a petty incident a year ago.

Her: nice to hear from you, I'm glad you saw sense in the end, I'm ready to accept your apology.

You: I was right, I still am. I'm expecting an apology.

Unless they’re both 14, I cant imagine the conversation will go like that.

Just contact her and say you’ve missed her and you’d love to reconnect. If she’s not gracious about it, move on.

The fact that you still can't see that
I haven't disagreed with anyone so not sure what I've written to make you say this. All I did was ask why I was wrong. I didn't say I wasn't wrong. In my OP I even said I might have been unreasonable. I'm open to reflecting on that.

@HuskyMcClusky exactly, it would be more along the lines of apologising for how it ended without going into it again. then just moving forward. If we both wanted to reconcile then I don't think either of us would be demanding an apology from the other!

Anyway this thread isn't an AIBU about the concert, I don't really care about that either way anymore, we both have babies now and I still think about her a lot and wondering if I should reach out to her.

The main thing stopping me is if she came back with something unpleasant. Or risking opening up the past again. I'd rather be ignored I think.

If you are ready to sincerely apologise I'm sure getting in touch would be a good thing to do.

If you still feel that you were in the right, then it's best to let it go.

If you do contact her and are open, honest and apologetic and she won't rekindle the friendship then you will know, it will hurt, but you will have closure.

I disagree with PPs. You were unable to stand, not just choosing to change the plan because you fancied it. I don’t think you did anything wrong and I think she was selfish not to be willing to accommodate your temporary disability, and I really don’t like it when people are dismissive of others feelings.
As to whether or not you should get in touch with her, that depends on what you’re hoping for. If you hope that she’ll have changed and become more considerate and no longer do the kinds of thing that let you down before, you shouldn’t get in touch. If that were the case, she’d have got in touch with you to apologise.
If you can accept that is who she is and value her for whatever good she does offer to a friendship. And not expect anything more of it by all means go ahead.
(Personally from just the information you’ve given, I wouldn’t, I’d focus on your DS and friends who value you and aren’t dismissive of your feelings - as being what is important - but only you know the full story of your friendship)

No, some relationships just run their course and this sounds like one of them.

Thank you tallia, that was a very helpful post. Given me something to consider. At the time I know I felt I didn't want someone in my life or my child's life that let me down a number of times. So I'm not sure why I'm questioning it a year on.

Seeing the picture has triggered something too, I wasn't expecting it and I think I'm sad our dreams of sharing mat leave together could have been a reality but didn't work out because we are not speaking. But even before that I missed our fun times.

But if I was the pregnant friend I would not ask someone to do that, and I certainly wouldn't fall out with a friend over it either.

Just to be clear, I didn't ask her to move. I told her what the venue said (could only swap two tickets) and my friend said she didn't want to leave her sisters.

Because you wanted to alter the original plans and split the group to suit you she had SPD and couldn't stand, its not like she just decided she couldn't be arsed. Tbh knowing how bad it can get in standing, I'd have been asking pregnant friend if she wanted to try swapping them and offer too spot with her because part of it is going with friends for the experience. Maybe Op should have been more stoic about it but given the option was sit with her friends our her friend not be able to go, the friend want a very good friend imo.

OP if you don't, you'll always wonder

The obvious answer would have been to split the group up and not leave the op alone. It may have been because she wanted to share the experience with her sisters but pretty scrappy to expect you to sit on your own.

If there were some similar incidences Then I wouldn't botherwithher tbh