Should I reach out to friend after fall out

[Fuller2018]

NC for this post.

About a year ago I fell out with a very good friend. We were meant to be going to a concert with her two sisters but I was pregnant with SPD and couldn't stand for long periods so tried to swap standing tickets to seats. The venue couldn't swap all 4 of us and my friend wasn't prepared to go 2+2 (so her two sisters keep standing and me and friend have seats - not ideal but meant we could all still go). Because she wouldn't do this it meant I either had to sit on my own or not go at all. Maybe I was unreasonable but I was hurt about it as the concert was my suggestion in the first place and it seemed she would rather I didn't go than leave her two sisters.

I told her how I felt and it could have been resolvable but she pretty much told me I was being silly and to get over it, and that was probably what caused the biggest issue - that she didn't take me seriously. We've not spoken since.

There had been other little things prior to this that I hadn't spoken to her about but I'd felt a bit let down with. I chose not to discuss them at the time for the sake of the friendship but then when the above happened, for me it felt like the final straw (but she didn't know this).

However over this last year I've still thought about her and miss her, but then I'm not sure if I'm just forgetting what it felt like at the time. I think having DS has made me realise what's important in life though, which is why I'm considering reaching out to her.

I've also found out today, by chance, she has since been pregnant and had a baby. We used to always talk about being on maternity leave together. So it makes me kind of sad that we've missed out on this, as I'm still on mat leave.

Anyway I don't know what I should do. Part of me wants to reach out to her, maybe with a written letter, but I'm scared of rejection and also being hurt again in the future.

The other part of me feels like I just need to move on but I'm not sure if I really have any closure on this.

Any thoughts?

How old were the sisters? That may help in surmising the set up.
But I'd be pissed off if my pal couldn't be prised away from her siblings for a night to give me a companion.
But, I'll be honest, if it was an individual or group I really liked, I would have taken the seat and sold other one on

If that meant one of the three lost out.....too bad.

This band are my favourite band. I've been to many of their gigs on my own. But I asked my friend about going to see them together in Birmingham, even though I live nearer Liverpool and Manchester, as it was closer for her and she'd not seen them before. (We live 2hrs apart). She said yes, then later I asked if she also wanted to invite her sisters as I knew they liked the band too (all late 20s, early 30s). I thought I was doing a nice thing but look how that back fired on me!!

There was no point in me, pregnant or not, travelling to Birmingham to sit on my own. I was going out of my way because I wanted to enjoy the concert with my friend. So in the end I sold my ticket and with the money I upgraded to seats for another gig I was going to with a different friend.

I think what hurt me at the time was if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't have thought twice about it and would have sat with my friend as I would still have had a good time and I know my sisters would have had a good time too as they were together. It was just disappointing this wasn't reciprocated.

Clearly opinion is divided on if I was unreasonable. I don't know. I just need to decide regardless of that whether I want to attempt to rebuild. After the latest posts I'm thinking I don't. I'm not sure we could ever get back what we had before.

"I think what hurt me at the time was if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't have thought twice about it and would have sat with my friend as I would still have had a good time and I know my sisters would have had a good time too as they were together. It was just disappointing this wasn't reciprocated."

That's because you are normal! Your friend, sorry to say, was incredibly selfish.

Of course you were not unreasonable to want a seat if you had SPD! There is no question of that at all. You know that is the case so I wouldn't bother taking on board anyone who most likely has not had SPD giving you their view on it. AND even if they had it, who knows who had it worse!

So you fell out for a very good reason, your friend was selfish and unreasonable.

However, she has since had a baby and may have a tiny inkling now how you felt.

In your shoes I would write saying you missed her and had spotted a picture via whats app with baby (but only if you know this is the case, and not simply her holding someone else's baby!)

If she makes contact I'd take it from there and not engage any more on the activity. I am guessing she was embarrassed at the idea of being split from her sisters or maybe there is rivalry between the three of them.

Either way her behaviour was appalling and I would not be overly upset if she did not get back in touch, make some new friends and enjoy your time off.

If a friend cannot understand you when you are ill or in pain they are a very poor friend, and to cut you loose for this shows very little (IMHO) in terms of genuine affection on her part. Sorry.

wow some of these posts are shocking seriously how can you say the op is wrong without considering she is heavily pregnant physically can't stand? tbh I think your friend was in the wrong and was being inconsiderate. Toxic friends can be a nightmare a friend of mine had this problem. Her friend was very insecure and didn't like it if she went out with other friends without her (we don't all have the same friendship groups) she would make nasty remarks about a person my friend was going out with, then send texts to my friend saying you hurt my feelings you dumped me now you have someone else you've upset my kids blah blah blah this women literally alienated everyone around her because of how argumentative she was over the slightest thing so people avoided her. My friend reached her boiling point and told her straight up about her behaviour being unacceptable and that she had in fact been invited but she has said no i aint going cos i dnt like this person or that one so petty. If you wanna reach out by all means do it but don't expect nothing back and you won't be disappointed. If she doesn't want to work it out then clearly she's petty and nasty and not worth the bother.

I couldn’t be arsed with someone who behaved like your friend did TBH. There’s no way I’d leave a pregnant friend on her own when my two sisters had each other for company. You’re nostalgic for the friendship you thought you had but which never existed. Don’t give it another thought, if she cared she’d have been in touch by now. Plenty more fish in the sea works for friendships as well as relationships.

If you were good friends and got along fine, and since you've been thinking about your friend and clearly miss her, why not reach out? It's not so easy to forge new friendships at an older age. On the other hand if you feel that it'd be pointless to reach out, maybe the friendship wasn't so good to start with and is nothing to build on. Whether or not you were "unreasonable" at some particular event is less important now, in my opinion. If you feel your friend would appreciate "an apology" and it would help to rebuild the friendship, you might consider giving one regardless off whether you feel she or you were objectively right about whatever caused the "fall-out", you know what you think, and if she needs an apology, fine, you're able to give a sincere apology because your friend needs it. When you decide, think more about what you think will happen with your friendship over the next thirty years, rather than what has transpired at some single occasion over a year ago.

I don't think you was wrong, I didn't suffer from spd but would not of been able to stand through a whole concert in any part and of my pregnancy.

Anyway if you feel the friendship is worth it then contact her, she can only say no and then least you know you've tried.

I suppose she could have been getting pressure from her sisters or prefers standing and getting into the band. Selfish I know but I would have been tempted to let it slide but there have been other things so I guess that was the straw for you. Did you have a proper argument how was it left that neither of you were speaking?

The interesting bit for me is that you haven't spoken since which means she hasn't contacted you either so it doesn't seem like she valued the friendship either.

The fact that opinion is so divided is probably an indication that it isn't black and white on who is wrong or right, it probably comes down to how you each dealt with it and what was said in the end.

It may be an idea to contact her and smooth things over about how things ended, but you probably won't ever agree about 'concertgate'.

I wouldn't. It is sad that your dreams of sharing mat leave didn't work out, but that wasn't really because of the fallout as such, it was because she is selfish and wasn't a very good friend to you.

I’d just let it slide to be honest.
It doesn’t sound like she was a great friend anyway.

I had spd and it would be impossible to stand for hours so bearing in mind the friend wasn't helpful. I'd say she was selfish and in ops case I'd work on new friendships. Plenty to be made in babyhood if you make the effort to go places and chat to others.

Just to be clear, I didn't ask her to move. I told her what the venue said (could only swap two tickets) and my friend said she didn't want to leave her sisters

Ah come on now, you did "ask" her. You said "look I can swap two of the standing for seats....

I think it doesn't matter what the cause of the fall out was.. You miss your friend and maybe she misses you too.
All the pps going on about who owes who an apology, sound like dramatic teenage girls to me!
Life is very short and if you found out in the future your friend had say a terminal illness or a fatal accident would you think " ha, I am so glad I dug my heels in over that issue with the concert tickets and never got back in contact Cus she didn't apologise"??
I doubt it.. I think you'd wish you had reached out to her...

A simple card or txt saying something like..
'hi xxxx, I am so sorry we lost contact, I miss you and would love to hear from you.'

• You said "look I can swap two of the standing for seats....

I don't think I'm going to contact her. Certainly not anytime soon. I thought about it overnight and was remembering some of the other reasons why I felt ok with not being friends anymore. I think the picture triggered some sadness but the reality of being friends again would probably be different to what I would want it to be.

Probably the right call @Fuller2018

I think you're better off leaving it. I'm sorry but I think if she had any hopes of rekindling your friendship, she would have reached out to you herself whilst she was pregnant.
I've been in your shoes, it's crap

I can’t for the life of me understand how anybody could think you were in the wrong over the concert, some people (your friends included) are massively selfish. It’s absolutely black and white, you could not stand up and you were asking a friend to sit with you, not to stay home with you and miss the concert entirely ffs!

Annnnyyywwwaaayyyy. Things have moved on and I think you did the right thing op, my advice was definitely going to be don’t bother. She sounds a right cow and she never bothered to contact you when you had your baby did she?

Neither of you were wrong. You wanted to move, and would have done the same for your friend. She wanted to stay with her sisters.

Just because you would have each chosen different courses of actions doesn't mean either of you were wrong. One way or another, one of you would have ended up doing something they would have preferred not to. It happened to be you.

YOU chose to be all silly about it and drop the friendship. Your friend even said it was all silly. You really did make a mountain out of a molehill.

Did I ?! hmm

You know you did. You communicated to her your need or expectation of her to change her standing ticket with her sisters for a seated ticket with you, yes? That is the actual point of your thread, that she would not. How can you possibly claim not to have done so?

I wouldn't bother. You both could have contacted each other long before now, both chose not to. To me that shows the friendship isn't really wanted on either side, sadly.

Given this was your 'last straw' maybe it is best to remember the ones leading up?

I think seeing the pic and realising she’s had a baby and you weren’t told is probably triggering these feelings. That’s the sad part - that you weren’t told about such an important milestone in her life.
She was unreasonable. She hasn’t apologised for being unreasonable despite understanding what it’s like being pregnant.
Move on and remember fondly the good bits about your friendship.