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Original poster

Finally left financially abusive husband...he's trying to maintain control, is this right?

56 replies

ReginaPhalangeismyothername · 14/03/2018 11:41

You may remember me, I separated from my husband who was taking all our tax credits and cb and was "paying the bills" and propping up his business with it while me and my 2 dc had nothing.
We separated about 3 weeks ago and he has moved into an annex we have on the side of our house. He is claiming to have seen a solicitor who says that as he is already paying the mortgage it limits what he would have to pay me in maintenance. He is also claiming that what I have coming in money wise effects how much he should pay me. He has been desperately trying to find out what I have coming in and I have refused to tell him.
Is this right? He is also saying that any debt we both have will come out of the equity...I don't have any but he does in his name alone.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 14/03/2018 11:59

Have you now got the tax credits and cb coming into your account then?

You own the house jointly?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2018 12:01

have you sought any legal advice yourself? If not, do it today.

pog100 · 14/03/2018 12:03

I'm no expert but I believe if you are married all assets and debts are treated as joint when it comes to a financial settlement. I don't think maintenance is affected by your income, if he is the non resident parent, it is a proportion of his income.

pog100 · 14/03/2018 12:05

But as advised above you MUST get the advice of a professional

expatinscotland · 14/03/2018 12:07

You need legal advice. Good on you! Don't tell him what you have coming in. And don't listen to his BS.

StickingWithIt · 14/03/2018 12:07

I think this is quite complicated as you are still living at the same address, and he is paying the mortgage. However, in terms of maintenance, it has nothing to do with what your income is - just his and how much time DC are in his care. He doesn't need to know what your income is. It would only be relevant if the DC were with him more than you and you would therefore owe him maintenance.

Regarding debt, being married I think you may be partially liable, but you also have rights over the house. Is it also in your name?

You really need some proper legal advice.

Original poster
ReginaPhalangeismyothername · 14/03/2018 12:17

I have now got the tax credits and cb coming into my account. How can I get legal advice, its so expensive. Would I be eligible for legal aid? The house isn't jointly in our names but we have been married for nearly 8 years and lived here for 3 so it doesn't predate our marriage. He will be having them for 1-2 nights to sleep over and 1 night just for dinner then back home.
He seems to think that I would be eligible for 50% and that's it. Is there an order you can get on the property where he would be unable to sell until my youngest is 18? I am assuming I would have to take over the mortgage in that case or would he pay half?
It's all such a mess....... I'm wondering if I would be better off renting somewhere and being away from his controlling. It wouldn't be better for my dc though which is why I have opted for this........ they seem fine with it like this as they can see him whenever they like.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/03/2018 12:20

Sorry, but I wouldn't bother trying to hang onto the house. Better to sell and make a clean break. DO NOT leave it, though, until you get some legal advice.

Original poster
ReginaPhalangeismyothername · 14/03/2018 12:24

If I left it would I still be eligible? I am thinking of trying to rent somewhere, at the moment I am still beholden to him and he loves it!

OP posts:
RedRedDogsBeg · 14/03/2018 12:27

Have you got enough money saved for advance rent, deposit and a guarantor?

QuiteLikely5 · 14/03/2018 12:31

You need to make a new claim for tax credits as now they will not take into account his earnings because you are separated.

You can apply for child maintenance online. Do not seek his opinion on doing so. He is a greedy grinch and he is due you maintenance.

You are certainly entitled to at least half of e everything including your home and savings

Contact council tax dept and claim single persons discount

Well done for being courageous and getting away from your abusive husband.

QuiteLikely5 · 14/03/2018 12:34

If you left then yes you’d be eligible for housing benefit etc but you would be wise to stay in the house

Yes a judge can say you can stay in that house till your children are 18

Google solicitors in your area

Even an hour with one will give you a good understanding of what’s what

You may also be entitled to a share of his pension.

Hit him where it hurts! In his pocket. He must have a fortune saved up

Original poster
ReginaPhalangeismyothername · 14/03/2018 12:41

No, he is a drug user and drinker and he's workshy to boot, that's where all the tax credits and cb went. He has nothing apart from the equity in the house.
I've already done a new claim for tax credits, that's all sorted.
Do you think woman's aid may be able to help? I really can't afford hundreds of pounds on a solicitor.....

OP posts:
kinorsam · 14/03/2018 13:00

You could try asking the Citizens Advice Bureau or Womens' Aid, hopefully they will be able to advise you about the legal side.

ginswinger · 14/03/2018 13:06

Better £100s on a solicitor than lose £1,000s because you didn't get good advice

Helpmeplan · 14/03/2018 13:07

Get a free half hour asap. You can stay in the property until youngest is 18 (Mesher order) but you probably won't want to.

Your husband may be talking about spousal maintenance not just child maintenance. Regardless do not declare your income to anyone but your solicitor.

You are able to put a charge on a property. It is called matrimonial home rights.

All of these things are down to individual circumstance and you need to get some form of legal advice asap.

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 13:10

try CAB as a first port of call..

I don't think what you have coming in will affect his contribution, but you really must seek legal advice. I do not recall being asked how much I earnt when child maintenance was being calculated. It was about how much he earnt, and how much time he had the children for.

Sounds like he is blowing a lot of hot air tbh.

Original poster
ReginaPhalangeismyothername · 14/03/2018 13:14

I'm wondering if he has actually seen a solicitor or just done some bad research online..... He claims the solicitor has said that the reason he took drugs and didn't engage with the family is because I am so egocentric...... that doesn't seem very professional!

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/03/2018 13:14

Honestly, I know it seems like getting proper legal advice is just a money sucker at the moment, but you need it.

Looks like your workshy always skint ex is prioritising it - that tells you how important it is. Better to spend a few hundred now than to lose thousands later as a pp has said.

Thebluedog · 14/03/2018 13:15

You can usually get an hour free wings solicitor which will be a good start.

From what I remember, and I’m no expert but:

All assets, regardless of who’s name it’s in are joint
All debts, regardless of who’s name they are in the joint.
Stay in the house, he can’t make you leave until your dc are 18 or have left full time education
What you earn or take in benefits doesnt not affect how much child maintenance he should pay
His mortgage payments do not affect how much he should pay you in child maintenance
Tell the benefits office you are now separated as his earnings will no longer be taken into account
Do not tell him how much you get in benefits
You can pay a solicitor back monthly if you agree it with them and if you decide to sell the house and split the assets, you naught also be able to pay them once the financial side if things are sorted.

But as i said, please speak to a solicitor. Remember he’s been financially abusing you for so long your view of the financial world and what is right and legal is probably very warped

Original poster
ReginaPhalangeismyothername · 14/03/2018 13:18

Thank you all, its really helping. I have him messaging me threats of divorce unless I tell him what I have coming in. I have messaged a solicitor a friend has recommended so I am waiting to hear back from her.

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 13:19

" He claims the solicitor has said that the reason he took drugs and didn't engage with the family is because I am so egocentric."

oh please, of course a solicitor never said that, it would be completely beyond their remit.
He is just making it up as he goes along..

GinisLife · 14/03/2018 13:19

But you want a divorce so tell him to crack on !!!

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 13:20

hang on , HE is 'threatening divorce' - isn't that the plan anyway? Hmm

Original poster
ReginaPhalangeismyothername · 14/03/2018 13:22

Yes, eventually, but he is saying he is going to push it through now so I have to declare my earnings.

OP posts:
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