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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally left financially abusive husband...he's trying to maintain control, is this right?

56 replies

ReginaPhalangeismyothername · 14/03/2018 11:41

You may remember me, I separated from my husband who was taking all our tax credits and cb and was "paying the bills" and propping up his business with it while me and my 2 dc had nothing.
We separated about 3 weeks ago and he has moved into an annex we have on the side of our house. He is claiming to have seen a solicitor who says that as he is already paying the mortgage it limits what he would have to pay me in maintenance. He is also claiming that what I have coming in money wise effects how much he should pay me. He has been desperately trying to find out what I have coming in and I have refused to tell him.
Is this right? He is also saying that any debt we both have will come out of the equity...I don't have any but he does in his name alone.

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 13:25

Regina, you sound like a really nice person.
He is emotionally abusing you and lying to you, still.

One or the other one of you has to initiate the divorce, on some grounds, such as infidelity or unreasonable behaviour.

You really need to see a solicitor ASAP and find out how to start the process.

Trust me, spending family money on industrial quantities of weed is a prime example of 'unreasonable behaviour' and he knows it.

PurpleWithRed · 14/03/2018 13:25

He’s talking bollocks. And if he’s been financially abusive you can rest assured that everything he tells you about money is a lie.

Ignore him. Don’t reply to his texts.

Getting divorced is expensive - more expensive than getting married for many - but a good divorce settlement is worth every penny.

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 13:26

at no point will you be asked to declare your earnings. He is full of shit.

Blinkyblink · 14/03/2018 13:29

I e just been through a divorce

Yes - if he is paying the mortgage this will affect t how much he has to pay you

Yes what you have coming in will affect how much he has to pay you

And yes - most debts will have to be paid from joint

Blinkyblink · 14/03/2018 13:30

DullAndOld
You are talking nonsense. Utter nonsense.

Financial disclosure. The op will have to disclose

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 13:31

really?
I was never asked for financial disclosure, I just divorced the bastard..Grin
However I am sure your experience is more recent than mine, from what you say.
No need to be nasty is there ?

Blinkyblink · 14/03/2018 13:33

Because I think it’s dangerous and irresponsible to give such certain advice to a vulnerable OP wen you are not sure yourself and indeed turns out to be wrong.

sparklepops123 · 14/03/2018 13:33

Don’t believe a word he says and keep hold of any texts he sends.sounds like you’re well rid. Good luck

RandomMess · 14/03/2018 13:34

It would be far better if you pay the mortgage 50:50 each and he pays you CMS.

However as he's self employed it is not easy to get CMS.

Remembering your back story I think I would go for a clean break asap. How did he set up his company - Ltd, sole trader???

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 13:37

Blinky if you read, you will see that I advised OP to go to CAB and get a solicitor, who will be able to give her the most up to date information.
Get over yourself.

Original poster
ReginaPhalangeismyothername · 14/03/2018 14:19

I'm wondering if it would be better to rent a place, I'd be able to get housing benefit until I am on my feet and he wouldn't have such a hold over me. It would be a bit more clear cut. I really don't want to make it any harder on the dc though. I won't be doing anything until I've spoken to the solicitor though.
I'm definitely going to speak to WA but I've got the eldest dc off from school so i won't have a chance until there are no little ears to over hear!

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 14/03/2018 14:31

Don’t let him scare you from the home. Stand firm. Don’t listen to anything until you’ve seen and spoken to somebody. Don’t give him any info. None. He can’t “push through a divorce” it doesn’t work like that. He’s not the king of England and the law is the law. A friend of mine went to a local solicitor for £50 for the hour. Some offer free half hour. Average is about £100-£180. ContactCAB. Contact women’s aid. Email at least half a dozen family solicitors in your area and ask them their cost. Don’t just wait for one to get back. It’s like finding a plumber. Get cost ideas and availability from lots of them. Google “family divorce solicitor” and the name of your area and fire of an email to at least 6. “Hello. My husband and I have separated and I urgently need some advice. Could you please tell me the cost of a one hour appointment and when you could see me. Many thanks” then go with the cheapest and quickest. You can do this

ChickenMom · 14/03/2018 14:34

A friend of mine did exactly that. Moved out and rented. Housing benefit covers it. The only thing I’d that a lot of landlords won’t accept benefits so do a search before deciding. You will also need a deposit and rent in advance and my friend had to provide a guarantor.

StickingWithIt · 14/03/2018 14:46

It is definitely worth finding a good solicitor rather than just any solicitor. If you meet one for a free half hour and you aren't sure about them, find another and get the right advice. You're under no obligation. I spoke to a couple of solicitors over quite a long period of time as what they told me made me feel I was in a weak position, before I found one who was far more useful, gave me good advice, actually seemed to care, and was therefore worth spending slightly more money on. I dread to think what would have happened if I had stuck with one of the others.

Blinkyblink · 14/03/2018 15:41

Living up to your name

Blinkyblink · 14/03/2018 15:44

Op similar situation here.

It’s not straightforward but your ex is not completely wrong in his assertions.

Blinkyblink · 14/03/2018 15:47

The costs of my solicitor weee worth it

You need to future proof whatever you agree. Don’t just think short term

DullAndOld · 14/03/2018 15:49

" Living up to your name "

oh! you have seen my username and now you have decided to mock it! how clever you must be..especially with such a witty and hilarious username like yours! Well done!

Blinkyblink · 14/03/2018 15:50

You’re on form. Good advice and witty come backs

Categoric · 14/03/2018 16:54

Hi, I am a solicitor (not matrimonial) and heartily second the idea that you make a careful search for a good solicitor. See if you can get some personal recommendations and see who WA in your area speak highly of. You need someone used to dealing with a controlling man AND that you feel comfortable with.

When you have chosen, remember that although you have chosen them because you like and trust them, they are not your friend. If you need to cry or rant, do it on here or with a friend, not to them as they will charge you by the minute.

You need to make a list of questions you need answering at each appointment and leave a space for each answer underneath. That way, you will come out of each appointment/phone call knowing that you have asked the questions you need to. It is easy in the midst of all the upset to forget a question or not quite remember what an answer was.

A good solicitor will send you a note of what was discussed at a meeting/on a phone call and any action to be taken. You should read these carefully and make sure you understand them. There is no shame in admitting you haven’t understood something.

Good Luck. It’s a grim process but you will be so much better off without that man in your life.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 14/03/2018 16:57

Your income has absolutely nothing to do with how much maintenance he is expected to pay.

Him paying the mortgage MAY affect how much he has to pay, you can confirm this with CMS website.

If you can prove ABSOLUTELY that his debts have been run up on personal expenses rather than on family expenses you MAY be able to ringfence them out of any future financial agreement.

He can only take control if you let him. Whatever he says just say hmmmm I'll check that out before you show any sort of reaction.

Check out Wikivorce website. Saved me a packet and lots of hair pulling.

boringbertha · 14/03/2018 20:54

I would second looking at the wikivorce website there are forums for all matters related to divorce and separation and I learned alot whilst going through my divorce. Good luck x

Justanamechange · 18/03/2018 22:52

Don't leave the house, just don't. Stick it out and get professional advice regarding how to protect yourself from any nonsense - lawyers, police if necessary. If you leave the house you'll find it very hard to get it sold, or if a forced sale happens, he could devalue it. Benefits moght be affected by your ownership of the house. This could all drag out for years if you leave.

mummmy2017 · 19/03/2018 08:11

You can get an order on the house so he can't sell it without your agreement. It also means you would get your share. You do own at least half of it.

Minus1 · 19/03/2018 08:19

Bad and outdated advice on here! Staying in the house until the dc are 18 is unlikely but it depends on how much equity there is and if you could buy him out and take on the mortgage yourself. Every couple’s case is different which is why legal advice is so important. At some stage you will both have to declare your financial position.

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