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Original poster

What do you make of this?

73 replies

VaselineHero · 14/03/2018 11:00

Ive just started seeing a new chap - we met online. I'm 37 and he is 46. There a bit of distance between us so currently only able to see each other at weekends but we talk most days.

Shortly after we decided we were going to proceed with a relationship he told me his ex partner from 4 years ago was going to be moving in for 6 weeks as a favour before she goes travelling. He was worried about telling me and assured me there was nothing between them. I felt a bit uncomfortable with it but they have remained friends and it was organised before we met so felt it was not my business. He said he has told her he was seeing someone new.

She's now moved in and apparently she is giving him the cold shoulder which he has put down to telling her about me. I find this weird from a relationship which has been over for 4 years and has migrated into a friendship. I asked him if she may have been hoping for more from him and he said yes he thinks this is possible. This feels weird too. I'm struggling to understand the dynamics of their relationship and it's leaving me feeling unsettled.

I'm seeing him next weekend and he doesn't want me to stay at his house as it will be awkward. I don't especially want to meet his ex, but again i feel unsettled.

This is a very new relationship and I don't really know if my feelings just are my own insecurities kicking in and so I'm overreacting Confused any advice?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/03/2018 11:03

Too messy. If it's a very new relationship you have nothing to lose by walking away.

VimFuego101 · 14/03/2018 11:09

Is he really worth this drama? no

SomeKnobend · 14/03/2018 11:10

Nope. Something isn't right here. If all is as he said there'd be no problem with you staying at the house. At best, you're lower down his priority list than she is. He's not making you feel secure, valued, etc. I think I'd cut my losses at this point.

loveyoutothemoon · 14/03/2018 11:12

How new is it?

Maybe he's not separated at all?

MarthasGinYard · 14/03/2018 11:15

So she's living in his home and 'giving him the cold shoulder'

Surely he's asked her to leave then why would he put up with that

Unless he's only told you half a tale

Very likely

GlassHalfFullOfWee · 14/03/2018 11:16

Wow he started the boundary-pushing early didn't he?

Literally just started seeing you and already he's testing the waters by introducing some competition for you. Why is he even telling you she's giving him the cold shoulder? The only possible reason he told you that is because he wants you to think that she's jealous.

Ryder63 · 14/03/2018 11:19

Very off. SomeKnobend is right - there should be no problem with your staying the weekend at his if they are no longer in a relationship now.

Original poster
VaselineHero · 14/03/2018 11:20

I agree with all of you. Something's off Sad

Should I say something to him?

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 14/03/2018 11:21

They've been split for four years and now they're just friends?

So technically there shouldn't be any drama and she should be happy to meet you.

I suspect he's slept with her and then told her about you. Hence the cold shoulder and he doesn't want you to meet her because she'll spill the beans.

I would go and stay locally in a hotel and then turn up at his house to meet her to try find out why they've fallen out. If he's slept with her I'd dump him on the spot.

But that's me and my approach!

TheNaze73 · 14/03/2018 11:28

I’d be concerned he had no backbone, if he’s being given the cold shoulder by an ex, he’s doing a favour for.
I think there’s more to this. No decent person would put up with that shit

Original poster
VaselineHero · 14/03/2018 11:29

I think he is quite a passive person.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/03/2018 11:36

Just tell him it's not working for you. Don't allow him to drag you into any drama. Let him know it's over, out of politeness, then block and move on.

thethoughtfox · 14/03/2018 11:43

Walk away and leave them to it.

Cricrichan · 14/03/2018 11:44

No way! Either there is more going on or she wants more.

Ryder63 · 14/03/2018 11:57

I would tell him the situation is making you feel uncomfortable, as it is certainly not normal for an ex's needs to be put before your current gf's. I would feel very far down in his priorities if I couldn't stay over because "it would be awkward"..........

GetoutofthatGarden · 14/03/2018 12:01

It sounds odd. I would insist on staying at his at the weekend, if he keeps refusing, get rid.

Original poster
VaselineHero · 14/03/2018 12:05

I don't want to have to insist this early on Sad

I'll try and discuss it with him. I have tried to raise it but find it excruciatingly awkward and he just says there is nothing to worry about.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 14/03/2018 12:11

he just says there is nothing to worry about.

In the words of just about everyone, ever, 'he would say that, wouldn't he?'

Justmuddlingalong · 14/03/2018 12:12

You've raised concerns, he's brushed them off. Raise your expectations of what is acceptable to you in a relationship. How new is this new relationship?

Original poster
VaselineHero · 14/03/2018 12:13

Very new. Just a few weeks.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 14/03/2018 12:14

You need to examine your boundaries.

I’d be uncomfortable too!

He ought to kick her out if she’s being ungracious!

Who ended their relationship

Ryder63 · 14/03/2018 12:15

Major problems like this a few weeks in?

Bin.

Original poster
VaselineHero · 14/03/2018 12:16

He only told me a week ago and she only moved in at the weekend. I've hardly let it drag on.

He told me he ended it as she had a drink problem.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/03/2018 12:16

I couldn't be arsed with any drama like this. Especially after such a short time. Why are you so invested already?

GetoutofthatGarden · 14/03/2018 12:16

I'll try and discuss it with him. I have tried to raise it but find it excruciatingly awkward and he just says there is nothing to worry about

Yes it is awkward and I had a situation with now DP and his ex and boundaries. I just told him some things were a deal-breaker for me, some people might be ok with it but I wasn't. He did sort it and put boundaries in place but if he didn't I would have been gone.

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