What do you make of this?

[VaselineHero]

Ive just started seeing a new chap - we met online. I'm 37 and he is 46. There a bit of distance between us so currently only able to see each other at weekends but we talk most days.

Shortly after we decided we were going to proceed with a relationship he told me his ex partner from 4 years ago was going to be moving in for 6 weeks as a favour before she goes travelling. He was worried about telling me and assured me there was nothing between them. I felt a bit uncomfortable with it but they have remained friends and it was organised before we met so felt it was not my business. He said he has told her he was seeing someone new.

She's now moved in and apparently she is giving him the cold shoulder which he has put down to telling her about me. I find this weird from a relationship which has been over for 4 years and has migrated into a friendship. I asked him if she may have been hoping for more from him and he said yes he thinks this is possible. This feels weird too. I'm struggling to understand the dynamics of their relationship and it's leaving me feeling unsettled.

I'm seeing him next weekend and he doesn't want me to stay at his house as it will be awkward. I don't especially want to meet his ex, but again i feel unsettled.

This is a very new relationship and I don't really know if my feelings just are my own insecurities kicking in and so I'm overreacting any advice?

I will bin.

If it's only been a few weeks I would really think about if he's worth the angst he isn't

He's showing you how crappy he can make you feel this early on so listen to your gut, trust your instincts and move on. It's not going to get better if it starts off this badly!

You don't have to insist that he does anything, but you can insist on what is acceptable for you to put up with.

He's not going to kick her out, I know that. Even if i discuss it with him he is unlikely to change anything as he will feel he's made a commitment to her before I came along. I'm not comfortable with it, so the only action is to bin I guessing

Talk to him first. You haven't given him a chance to change the weekend plans and stay at his. Where has this ex been for the past 4 years? Is she local, have they stayed in touch?

But what do I say?

I really feel binning is right in this case. If they split up because of her drink problem, the problem could be resolved, and he may want her back. Hence the keeping you and her apart.

Hi OP
If you are feeling uncomfortable then that's your gut instinct telling you that something is wrong here but perhaps you don't want to believe it?
If he had no feelings for her he would have told her that you were staying over and she could be polite ......or leave.
Does he expect your relationship to be on hold for six weeks or more?
Personally,I'd walk.
If you decide to stay with him,well,I hope it works out well for you.

Tell him the truth - you feel you deserve better than being put on the back burner while he entertains his ex

I wouldn't bother talking to him about it - other to tell him why you're ending it, if you want to.

He's already chosen her over you really, by letting her stay and then telling you that you no longer can. Why beg him to treat you with a bit of respect?

She wants more, she’s giving him the cold shoulder because he doesn't.

If I was him I wouldn’t want to hurt her further by having you stay.

I wouldn’t be jumping into bed with her.

My best male friend would be the same too, his kindness & loyalty are such a big part of him that he wouldn’t hurt an ex and would end a new relationship if it hurt an existing person in his life. If it was him, you could trust him to the moon & back not to sleep with her.

So, it might not be an issue.

OTOH in your situation I probably wouldn’t believe that 😔.

I think you have to go with your gut, you’re the only one who knows him.

I would tell him to contact you in the future when he's got more stability in his home life.

Why don't you say you could go to his for few drinks(not stay),clear the air (suss out the situation) between everyone

It's not really popping over distance.

There a bit of distance between us so currently only able to see each other at weekends but we talk most days.
If you've been seeing each other only a few weeks, then you can't have actually spent much time together. This sounds like one of those immediately intense, mostly talking on the phone relationships. Actions speak louder than words. If you allow him to treat you like a mug, it sounds like he'll take you up on the offer.

I would tell him that you're uncomfortable with this situation and you feel he's prioritising her feelings over yours. If there's nothing to hide there should be no problem with you staying at his. If he makes excuses just tell him the situation is a deal-breaker for you and you're out.

I do agree with everyone else though, if your gut feeling is strong, just end it. To be honest, I would be very uncomfortable with this.

I would certainly say you aren't comfortable with the situation and cancel this weekend's plans. Cool things, be unavailable to chat over the next few days. You don't have to immediately say that's it for good, see what his response is.

If he takes the decision himself to prioritise you and asks her to find somewhere else to stay you can move forward. If not don't resume contact or if he messages you let him know you're moving on and don't look back.

Hmm pity it's not popping over distance. Have you arranged to see him at all while she is there?( he goes to yours)

If you allow him to treat you like a mug, it sounds like he'll take you up on the offer

Excellent! I do feel for you OP, which is why I'm posting here, but that line did make me laugh - and it's likely the truth of the matter.

My gut is he is a bit of a people pleaser who would find it really hard to assert himself in this situation now he's got himself into it. So he just wants to tolerate her being there and keep me sweet in the meantime.

I think he's telling me about the cold shouldering to make me think she's keeping her distance and that this will make me feel better, rather than realising how it actually sounds (weird).

Apparently her mother was also going to be staying for 3 weeks but now isn't???!

I have no real sense of their friendship. I know they stay in touch and see each other occasionally. No idea if this includes 'extras'.

And the ex's mother in the mix too? Nope. Just nope.

Lol

If he was a decent man simply explaining to the ex that you were now very much part of his life and important and therefore the plan for her to stay was no longer viable, I am sure she would've been ok.

But he didn't, he chose instead to fuck up what you two have got in a short space of time; because why, well sorry but because he's not really fussed about upsetting you at all.

I'm afraid I'd be as brass and bold as him and explain to him to get in touch again ONCE the OW has left his premises. Not actually real what he is expecting you to suck up.

The fact that this was arranged before you got together would make me view it a little differently. Obviously if you stay with him, it can't happen again.

My DP is also a 'people pleaser', he sometimes needs direction in the right way and things pointed out to him, which is what I had to do.

Apparently her mother was also going to be staying for 3 weeks but now isn't???!
Oh please, tell him TGTF OP, raise your bar.

He was with me last weekend when she moved in. So I guess she has a key..

Next weekend I am supposed to spend with him and he was going to book a hotel.

Weekend after we are supposed to be going away together.