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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you make of this?

73 replies

VaselineHero · 14/03/2018 11:00

Ive just started seeing a new chap - we met online. I'm 37 and he is 46. There a bit of distance between us so currently only able to see each other at weekends but we talk most days.

Shortly after we decided we were going to proceed with a relationship he told me his ex partner from 4 years ago was going to be moving in for 6 weeks as a favour before she goes travelling. He was worried about telling me and assured me there was nothing between them. I felt a bit uncomfortable with it but they have remained friends and it was organised before we met so felt it was not my business. He said he has told her he was seeing someone new.

She's now moved in and apparently she is giving him the cold shoulder which he has put down to telling her about me. I find this weird from a relationship which has been over for 4 years and has migrated into a friendship. I asked him if she may have been hoping for more from him and he said yes he thinks this is possible. This feels weird too. I'm struggling to understand the dynamics of their relationship and it's leaving me feeling unsettled.

I'm seeing him next weekend and he doesn't want me to stay at his house as it will be awkward. I don't especially want to meet his ex, but again i feel unsettled.

This is a very new relationship and I don't really know if my feelings just are my own insecurities kicking in and so I'm overreacting any advice?

OP posts:

Bexter801 · 14/03/2018 12:40

I wouldn't write him off for helping his ex....however I would be annoyed that you should almost be a 'secret'

pinkandstripey · 14/03/2018 13:18

Oh come on...! She thinks they are a thing, he's told you she's ignoring you to give you a reason to meet you somewhere else. She doesn't know about you.He's seeing both of you.

pinkandstripey · 14/03/2018 13:19

I bet he "was on a stag do" or a "work conference" or "visiting elderly aunt maud" last weekend when she moved in...

Cuppaoftea · 14/03/2018 14:08

I would definitely cancel those weekends away, at least for the time being.

Myheartbelongsto · 14/03/2018 14:11

I smell bullshit op.

ChickenMom · 14/03/2018 14:13

There’s something not right here

ChickenMom · 14/03/2018 14:13

I’m wondering if she’s not actually an ex and does in fact just live with him!

Original poster

VaselineHero · 14/03/2018 14:32

Even if she is an ex, I still feel like there is something unfinished about their relationship.

I'd be happy for any of my ex's-who-are-now-friends to meet someone new. I wouldn't be cold shouldering or acting weirdly.

I don't like it.

OP posts:

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 14/03/2018 14:33

Life is complicated sometimes. I met my partner online 13 years ago and there was all sorts of messiness with his ex. I'm sure if I'd come on MN at the time you'd have all told me to bin him.

I didn't. His ex had MH problems but the situation resolved itself. We now have two kids and are getting married in May. And he's the love of my life.

loveyoutothemoon · 14/03/2018 14:34

I don't think she ever moved out and he's stringing you along.

Original poster

VaselineHero · 14/03/2018 14:34

Did you raise any concerns with him at the time? Or just wait and see?

OP posts:

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 14/03/2018 14:44

God, we had endless arguments and upsets over it all. But something in me knew he was a good person trying to do right by two people (me and her), just getting it wrong some of the time.

Bexter801 · 14/03/2018 15:45

Remembering he didn't have to tell you about his ex,did he....he could have conjured up any story he wanted,sick aunty,needy friend....etc....I don't think there's any malice in this....it's bound to unsettle you,but id give him the benefit of the doubt....meet him next weekend,and generally see how things go/how you feel

Lulusmother · 14/03/2018 15:54

So... you’ve got 5 weeks left of her being there? You’ve only just met him? I’d take a step back and tell him why. You won’t have invested that much in the relationship if you’ve just met. Keep busy and when she’s gone see how things go. If he doesn’t get in touch much you’ll have your answer. He may just be a decent guy helping a friend.

Barbaro · 14/03/2018 21:37

My partner is a people pleaser too and I did have to tell him that he was crossing boundaries with his contact with his ex when we first got together (he's not great with emotions and couldn't see it). But I doubt he'd let his ex stay with him for any length of time while in a new relationship with someone. That's way too close, he could have told her it's no longer an option and to find somewhere else to stay.

Talk to him and tell him it's making you uncomfortable. If he cares more about her comfort, you have your answer.

Gingersmum100 · 14/03/2018 22:46

Rise above it. Treat him as a casual friend, act like a casual friend and accept casual fun dates but don't get involved :-)

timeisnotaline · 14/03/2018 22:53

I don’t know - it was an existing arrangement, and the ops been with him for less than a month. I wouldn’t expect to be prioritised like that in that time. 6m yes, but I think I’d feel like an idiot telling a long term ex I’m friendly with that I had to shift them because this woman I’ve been seeing for a couple of weeks is in the picture now.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 15/03/2018 00:17

I can't see much wrong with it if he's booked a hotel to stay with OP all next w/end and ten they are going away together. If something was going on with the ex, she wouldn't have accepted that he's away aseveral weekends in a row. OP is vey new to him (several dates) and he is spending all w/ends with her so it sounds above board.

Sally2791 · 15/03/2018 03:10

Not sure that I see drama here-if he seems promising in other ways I would hang in there and see how it develops. He could just be very open and honest

DobbyisFREE · 15/03/2018 09:16

I agree with this. She's fucking off in a few weeks so won't be a problem then. Whilst it is a possibility that he's up to something, from what you have said he just seems like a bit of a pushover and has been quite open with you about it. I'd be put out but I don't think I would end the relationship over it.

mogratpineapple · 15/03/2018 10:39

Yiu could put your relationship on hold while he sorts out his own circus. Call me when you're free, kind of thing.

Original poster

VaselineHero · 15/03/2018 16:59

I spoke to him last night and told him I was uncomfortable with the set up. He said he understood and was very sorry, and that he had he known he would meet me he would never have agreed to it.

He said his ex had spoken to him yesterday saying she did have some feelings for him but was happy for him and she hoped it would work out between us. I felt a lot better after we spoke, he listened and said he wanted to do whatever he needed to to make me feel okay with it.

I'm going to be staying at his now next weekend which I'm happy about.

He does seem to be very open and honest.

OP posts:

GetoutofthatGarden · 15/03/2018 20:10

That's great, glad you got it sorted. He does sound genuine. not sure about the ex though

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