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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My best friend slept with my Ex

70 replies

upsideup · 14/03/2018 10:37

I have just found out best friend slept with my ex partner the week after we broke up and continued to do so for over a year behind my back while supporting me through the break up. The relationship ended 12 years ago, i am now married with children and through this time she has continued to be my best and closest friend.
We werent together and it was a long time ago but I cant help feel so hurt and betrayed by her. I dont want to lose our friendship over this but I dont know if I can keep quiet and just pretend I dont know.

I'm not sure what I'm asking but would you be able to forget about this or is raising it with her going to ruin our friendship?

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 14/03/2018 10:38

How did you find out??

StylishMummy · 14/03/2018 10:45

How did you find out?

ShiftyMcGifty · 14/03/2018 10:47

No. She lied to you for over a year while you were at your most vulnerable. I couldn’t help but also assume everything I said to her in confidence was swiftly repeated back to my ex after they fucked.

bonnyshide · 14/03/2018 10:51

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to continue the friendship. This is the ultimate betrayal.

Original poster
upsideup · 14/03/2018 10:55

I found out through another friend and then through the ex, I'm 99.0% sure its true, it makes sense with things that went on at the time and they would both have no reason to lie to me.
I think I'm more hurt that she has been able to lie to me for the last 12 years rather than what she did.

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 14/03/2018 11:07

Well it wasn't even her that told you. No way could I forgive it anyway, the lies and deceit would be too much for me.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/03/2018 11:13

I think I would raise it with her in an ‘ummm you did what?!’ kind of way, but I probably wouldn’t fall out about it at this stage. People can be very stupid when sex is involved and presumably she’s been a good friend for the last 12 years who you wouldn’t want to lose.

JustmylifeA · 14/03/2018 11:15

Ask her.

If it’s true, I would choose to stop speaking to her. Not someone I’d want in my life

Changedname3456 · 14/03/2018 11:16

But what would have been the difference had she told you at the time? Or since?

Yes, it feels a bit disloyal but she was there for you emotionally and practically and has stayed supportive through the 12+ years since. There aren’t so many good friends out there that I’d want to drop someone for something like this.

Clearly she’d been attracted to him but didn’t do anything about that when you were with him, which shows she gave a shit. She probably thought it would be a one off, “out of her system,” shag with the guy and then it went longer. She may have felt it had gone too far to easily explain to you by then and then, once they stopped, what would be the benefit to you of telling you?

JaniceBattersby · 14/03/2018 11:22

That would be too hurtful for me to continue the friendship. Everyone’s different though so I guess it’s up to you. I’d definitely raise it though, as part of the conversation where I told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore. Poor you OP.

ShiftyMcGifty · 14/03/2018 11:24

I can’t someone would need to ask what the benefit of knowing someone you’ve trusted actively deceived you would be. The OP could decide for herself whether she wanted to continue the friendship, could trust her, or feel she could confide.

ginch · 14/03/2018 11:32

If this was a long term serious relationship, if you told her stuff that you wouldn't have wanted him to know about, then the friendship is dead in the water.

StarlightSparkle · 14/03/2018 11:45

If she slept with him as soon as the week after you broke up, she may well have been seeing him while you were still together. I’d have to have it out with her. I think I’d find it hard to forgive if it was going on for a whole year and that’s a lot of lies and deceit to keep it from you.

rascallyrascal · 14/03/2018 11:47

Sorry. She has lied to you. For 12 years. Any friend that could do that is no friend at all and not to be trusted. Sorry.

bonnyshide · 14/03/2018 11:49

She hasn't been a friend for 12 years though, she's lied for 12 years. What kind of person can do that?

Cricrichan · 14/03/2018 11:51

Why did you break up?

KarmaStar · 14/03/2018 12:06

I'm with the pp OP,she has been devious,patting you in the back then SLEEPING with him?you say you don't want to lose her friendship,but she is no friend.a true person would not do this to someone they love.sorry OP but if you are asking for advice,I'd tell her you want no contact,tell her why and then walk away.
You will find true friendsFlowers

TemptressofWaikiki · 14/03/2018 12:12

Wow, what a toxic guttersnipe! I would consider that friendship over and dead. Total betrayal.

tootiredforeverything · 14/03/2018 12:22

I think it's totally understandable you're hurt. I think you should tell her you know and listen to her side of things. Not saying her behaviour is excusable, and prob depends how long you'd been with the guy and the circumstances around your break up. But equally it was a long time ago and you've all moved on in your lives. So it might take a bit of time, but I think ultimately you should try to leave this in the past and work through this with her. Female friendships can be hard to find, and we all make mistakes and have regrets over things we did and said when we were younger.

RockinHippy · 14/03/2018 13:55

I've had something similar, but not as bad happen with an old & once very close friend who I still thought highly of, until it came out that she had been sleeping with a guy that she knew I was besotted with & was also having a fling with at the same time. Stupid I know so many years later, but it bothered me the most, that I was loyal enough to her to turn down the guy she was besotted with at the time several times over, even though I really liked him myself. Made me feel I had been a complete mug & she wasn't a good friend to me at all. I just don't see her in the same light anymore & never will. We're still in touch, but very loosely as I CBA to make any real effort or make myself available if it's inconvenient, for her anymore.

Your situation is far worse than mine, so I don't doubt this will change your friendship. Your friend couldn't be trusted to have your best interests at heart then, then I wouldn't trust her to do so in the future, especially as with my own friend, there is no remorse there at all.

You deserve far better 💐

Myheartbelongsto · 14/03/2018 14:04

I'd chuck her in the bin to be honest.

SandyY2K · 14/03/2018 14:12

she slept with him as soon as the week after you broke up, she may well have been seeing him while you were still together

^...^^...

This

Zazzleza · 14/03/2018 14:22

This happened to me over ten years ago. I was in my early 20s and we had broken up the week previously but were naively still having ‘break up sex’...
I confided in her and then on a night out together (just the two of us) she disappeared. It turned out she had bumped into him and they ended up going back together. I don’t believe it was pre-meditated but that didn’t excuse it. It felt like the ultimate betrayal.
I didn’t speak to her for 6 years when a mutual friend successfully bought us together over something significant. We got on so well and I felt sad that her stupid actions had damaged why could have been another 6 years of friendship.
I did however witness that her morals hadn’t changed. She was in a long term relationship but thought nothing of going off with other men (at worst) or leading men on. Other women’s partners were particularly appealing.
I have recently cut her off completely again. This time for good. After witnessing her “playfully” come on to my husband I realised I don’t need or want this poison in my life.
These woman cannot be trusted.

QueenofallIsee · 14/03/2018 14:36

I wouldn't be able to get past that - the length of time, the lies over a prolonged period. That is someone who finds lying and deception easy and it would totally change my view of her

Ariela · 14/03/2018 16:11

He was an ex. History. Can't see why it's a problem.

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