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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My best friend slept with my Ex

70 replies

upsideup · 14/03/2018 10:37

I have just found out best friend slept with my ex partner the week after we broke up and continued to do so for over a year behind my back while supporting me through the break up. The relationship ended 12 years ago, i am now married with children and through this time she has continued to be my best and closest friend.
We werent together and it was a long time ago but I cant help feel so hurt and betrayed by her. I dont want to lose our friendship over this but I dont know if I can keep quiet and just pretend I dont know.

I'm not sure what I'm asking but would you be able to forget about this or is raising it with her going to ruin our friendship?

OP posts:

StarlightSparkle · 14/03/2018 16:26

Only by a week Ariela! She was upset by the break-up and her ‘friend’ was comforting her at the time. I’m surprised anyone would be fine with that situation, and being lied to for 12 years by their supposed best friend.

Changedname3456 · 14/03/2018 17:50

Actively lied to or lying by omission? I’m assuming it’s the latter, as why would OP have ever asked her if she was sleeping with him?

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 14/03/2018 17:57

Not on. Different if it was years later and she "asked" you. I would be massively pissed off and I don't think I could continue with the friendship for reasons PPs have said.

StarlightSparkle · 14/03/2018 18:02

She could have been actively lying about what she did at the weekend and things like that. It went on for a whole year and I’m sure OP asked her about her life and what she was up to during that time. Lying by omission is still dishonest behaviour.

Gemini69 · 14/03/2018 18:03

she ain't no friend period....... Drop Kick... block

ChickenMom · 14/03/2018 18:58

If it had been a drunken one off that she then immediately told you about then sure, forgive and move on but a year! She shagged him for a year behind your back!! And she hasn’t told you! Nope. Nope. Nope. Get rid. She’s awful!

DumbleDee · 14/03/2018 20:26

Nope no way could I get over the lies

Original poster

upsideup · 14/03/2018 20:38

It was an 8 year relationship so pretty long term, we broke up for lots of reasons (he didnt cheat) but she was the only person I confided in about how heartbroken I was.
Its the lying I feel bertrayed by, if she had told me at the time then I think I would of been able to accept it as we wernt together, but all the conversations we have had about him all feel like lies.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/03/2018 20:43

I am not friends with liars

f83mx · 14/03/2018 20:54

Nope... shady as fuck. Would have been a friendship ender at the time for me.... 12 years later.... depends how you feel, if you've got that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach then it will be difficult to maintain friendship, for a bit at least. Problem is these things still hurt as its new to you finding out, even though was a long time ago.

GreenSeededGrape · 14/03/2018 20:59

No way would I forgive that level of deceit.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 14/03/2018 21:02

She's not your friend. And she's spent 12 years lying to you.

I would cut her from my life.

rascallyrascal · 14/03/2018 21:03

You need to have this out with her. See what she has to say. Only you can decide if the friendship is worth saving or able to be saved.

ChickenMom · 14/03/2018 21:30

Are you absolutely sure she did it? Could your ex just be causing trouble? If it’s true then it’s very shocking!

OliviaStabler · 14/03/2018 21:33

I'd have to ask her outright about it. I wouldn't cut the friendship off without finding out more from her.

another20 · 14/03/2018 21:36

Did she know the relationship was on the rocks before the split? Was she plotting her approach even then? A whole year ? Thats a "proper" relationship surely - were they out as a couple ? Did all your friends and family know and did they keep it from you also?

Who was the other friend that told you - and why did they tell you this now? Do they want to hurt you ? Or your friend?

I would feel really violated if thats not too strong an emotion - that I had shared the dark secrets of breakup and my deep pain - and that person was shagging and no doubt laughing / discussing / feeding back your sorrow.

Beyond sick. Why did they break up? What has her relationship history been? Did your ex indicate any remorse or explain why it happened?

Astella22 · 14/03/2018 21:47

I couldn’t trust someone after this or trust them around any future partner. If it was all soooo ok why did she hide it from you? I also like to think I could rely on a friend in a crisis but I would feel as if I have to constantly watch my back with someone so devious.

BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 14/03/2018 21:48

Gosh, I would find out more but it would be hard to forgive. A one off, one night stand I could get over but an ongoing relationship without telling you..... not great.

LanguidLobster · 14/03/2018 22:02

I wouldn't actually like her after that.

People do funny things though if they're in a weird place, was she in an odd head state at the time?

blaaake · 14/03/2018 22:38

Fuck her. She is no friend of yours.

Angelf1sh · 15/03/2018 07:08

This would be a massive problem for me, I couldn’t be friends with her after that.

Bluebelle38 · 15/03/2018 07:31

She is not your friend. That she comforted you during your break up and slept with him at the sane time.... Totally toxic.

MessyBun247 · 15/03/2018 07:36

‘I think I would raise it with her in an ‘ummm you did what?!’ kind of way, but I probably wouldn’t fall out about it at this stage. People can be very stupid when sex is involved and presumably she’s been a good friend for the last 12 years who you wouldn’t want to lose.’

She hasn’t been a good friend though, has she?? Fucking hell. She has lied for 12 years! Did something behind OPs back for over a year when OP was at her most vulnerable. The deceitfulness is shocking.

I’d ask her about it face to face and watch her squirm. Then never speak to her again.

Namethecat · 15/03/2018 07:43

Obviously you are now married and have no emotional connection to your ex. But due to the friendship ( continued in those 12 years ) you have emotional connections with her. She has had those years to fess up and has chosen not to. I would sit her down and say to her that the actual seeing / sleeping with him would have been hard to find out at the time but for her not to tell you about it within a year or so is a betrayal, so you cannot forgive and feel those years have been a lie. I would end the friendship there and then. She is not your friend.

ginch · 15/03/2018 08:11

A one off may have been forgivable in some circumstances, but to deceive you for over a year isn't. She's had a very long time since to confess, she probably thinks you will never find out now, so she's safe.

Is she one of those people who always wants what you have? Do you think she may have slightly enjoyed putting one over on you? I had a 'friend' like that, it was only after our friendship ended that I saw her for what she really was. We had been best mates for 15 years.

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