Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

(Possible content warning) Consent when one person is withholding information

79 replies

Asking4AFriend · 12/03/2018 17:59

This is a bit of a weird one, but it's something pretty minor that happened to me 7 or 8 years ago and is mostly forgotten except every six months or so it unexpectedly comes to mind and doesn't sit well with me. It's not something I want associated with my normal user name, so am just using an old throw away one.

I was in a long distance relationship with a guy I had been friends with for a long time, we'd moved apart, then got back in touch and things really hit off. I went to stay with him for a couple of weeks, then he came to stay with me, then me to him etc. It wasn't a long relationship, but it felt fairly intense at the time as we were talking every day/every other day.

Then he was due to come stay with me; I'd just moved house and was going through some hard times at work. He'd been a bit quiet, but I had thought it was me not having a phone line or internet for a week or so due to the move. His visit was delayed a couple of days due to some family stuff, but then he was there. I was probably too naive to realise that he hadn't just left his stuff in the car to get it later, but he actually wasn't planning on staying as planned.

We had sex twice, hung out and did things, then he dropped the old 'I think we should call it a day and just be friends.' I, a bit blindsided, was all fawning and 'yes, sure let's stay friends'.

Of course we didn't. I haven't heard from him since, esp as I dropped him from my social media a few months after we broke up and I realised that the friends thing was bullshit.

Obviously at the time of the sex I was ready, willing, and clearly consented, however had I known that he was planning to dump me that afternoon I almost certainly wouldn't have consented to a last shag.

I'm not trying to make myself out to be a victim of some gaslighting sexual predator, I'm just trying to work out in my head how much of an utter shitbag this guy was. Or is it fairly standard to withhold the truth in order to get your end away before dumping someone?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 13/03/2018 15:34

Who said 'all men are like that, no women are like that'?

What matters is what this guy said to this woman, and how she puts it behind her.

Lovemusic33 · 13/03/2018 15:40

Pall exactly, 8 years on and still dwelling on it is very unhealthy, 8 years wasted, he’s probably living happily somewhere and has forgotten OP ever existed.

Not all men are like this and yes women do it too, people in general are capable of being nasty but OP was not raped, someone led her on, it happens a lot, it’s hurtful and it makes you feel a little bit stupid for letting someone do this to you but it’s not worth 8 years of heart ache. People have been through far worse (only need to look through the threads on here).

newnamechange1 · 13/03/2018 15:44

@picklemepopcorn if you read some of the posts, there are a few that state it's men. There's one that says 'typical man'

It's the way it always goes with these threads.

PrettyLittIeThing · 13/03/2018 16:25

Ofcourse it's mainly men that lie to get someone into bed. Gosh why do people like to deny FACTS. Anyway I don't think anyone has said this man isn't scum and it's a shitty thing to do just that it should be compared to consent/rape. Simply because it isn't.

Believeitornot · 13/03/2018 16:34

How do you know that men mainly do this... who has actually counted.

TryptoFan · 13/03/2018 16:40

Things like this make me want to wait until marriage for sex. Just so I know the guy's not using my body for his penis.

PrettyLittIeThing · 13/03/2018 16:48

It's easier for women to get sex than men, or are you going to tell me that's not true either? So women generally don't need to lie. Just look at prostition. How many women use prostitues? Yes it's a fact.

Believeitornot · 13/03/2018 17:08

Prostitution is not a sign that men lie more than women for sex.

Women lie because they want to get pregnant for example. I’ve seen that on here a few times now.

Making general sweeping statements helps no one.

newnamechange1 · 13/03/2018 17:23

There are also men who are prostitutes.

Prostitution is another one that always gets brought up in these threads. Prostitution is absolutely nothing to do with this particular op.

At the end of the day, the person that did this to op as a twat. However it wasn't rape. It was consensual. It happens to a lot of us - me included. It doesn't matter wether it was a man or a woman who did it. Both sexes are totally capable of sleeping with someone without the intention of any sort of relationship. You cannot only point that at one gender.

Op felt and still does still feel shit about it. But there are plenty of men out there that were always hoping to have a relationship with a woman but for her it was only about sex. The man will of felt exactly the same pain/hurt/anger as a woman would. End of.

Original poster
Asking4AFriend · 13/03/2018 17:29

I'm still here, reading all the comments. Still grateful to all who have taken time to respond, and intrigued by the number of people who think this is just one of those things and I should get over it. (I was going to put 'horrified' instead of 'intrigued', but as many of you already think I'm hysterically over reacting, let's just stick to intrigued.)

To those of you worried I've wasted the last 8 years obsessing over this guy, I just want to put your mind at ease. I've long since moved on, I have a family, I have a whole life which the vast majority of the time does not include even the merest thought of him. It's just on those rare occasions, maybe twice a year, usually when I'm driving home from work and my mind is wandering, that I think 'hmm, that was a really shitty thing that he did.' I'm not looking for hand holds or people to tell me I'm a victim, I'm definitely not looking for a mob of pitchfork-wielders crying rape. I know it wasn't rape. I never said it was. There are varying aspects of consent which aren't as simple as just 'yes' and 'no'.

To be honest, I just wanted to vent and put it down in words, and just work it out a bit 'out loud' as it were. No - I've never spoken to anyone about it. I didn't need to at the time; my friends and family were immediately on my side after the break up and were quick to call him an idiot and not worth it etc, and we didn't have any shared friends, there was no likelihood of seeing each other, so it never really occurred to me to tell anyone that his dumping came after a shitty act of selfishness/cowardice. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it by dragging it all up with said friends and family now, hence coming on here and posting it under a different user name. I've had some counselling in the past but it was due to fertility related things and so again it just wasn't relevant to bring up some old boyfriend.

Consider my eyes opened about what some (many?) people are like.

OP posts:
pallisers · 13/03/2018 17:35

Who are all those people who said it was just one of those things and you should get over it?

Most people said it was a shitty thing to do and could see why you would be upset. others felt even more strongly about it. Most people said unfortunately he isn't the only man (or woman) to lie or be a bit of a tosser about sex. Some people felt if you were dwelling a lot on this 8 years on, it mightn't be very healthy - you've clarified you weren't. Did anyone say what he did was ok?

newnamechange1 · 13/03/2018 17:39

I think the main issue here is, yes you had every right to be upset. Of course.

But the fact that this is something that still niggles you after all this time is the issue here. You have a family and lots of things going for you which is great :-) but it just doesn't add up to me that it still bothers you now. Your life has moved on and changed dramatically for the better. The past is in the past. I know you barely think about it but when you do, you struggle to let it go. You've gone to the lengths of coming on here to vent.

Hopefully you've got the closure you need from coming on here and reading everyone's opinions....fingers crossed. But if it still continues to bother you then maybe you need to have a proper think of why that is. It must be something much deeper I think. Good luck op x

ItLooksABitOff · 13/03/2018 18:13

I have found women are often happy to diminish the experiences of others in order to normalise what's happened to them.

^^
This. OP, I'm glad you brought this subject up. It's given me a lot to think about.

Believeitornot · 13/03/2018 18:23

I’ve said consistently it was crap of him.

Because it was.

But talk of withholding etc - well you don’t actually know what his rationale was. So you either accept it and move on or you ask him.

Believeitornot · 13/03/2018 18:27

I’ll add, I’ve had some crap things done to me - including feeling used for sex and as ive matured, I’ve seen them for what they were - individuals who were selfish and immature.
But that was then and I cannot change what happened but nor do I quite know what they were thinking. I could also have done things differently.

It just means I’ll be teaching my children about respect and boundaries.

Crediton · 13/03/2018 19:01

I get you op. He took advantage. This happened to a friend of mine with her boyfriend. Woke up one fine morning, DTd, then he hopped up and announced he was leaving her. It was twenty years ago and we haven’t forgotten!

It’s that feeling of being played for a fool when you were taking things at face value and just being yourself. It isn’t nice.

AngelsSins · 13/03/2018 19:17

For Christ sake, why are people suggesting that the OP is wondering if this is rape when nowhere on this thread has she said that?

Of course you have a right to be pissed off with him OP, it was a massively shitty thing to do. If a friend begged you for £100 for rent or she was going to get kicked out of the house, and then later you find out she spent that money on a night out, people would be pissed off. I don't see how this is any different other than that people seem to hold men to a much lower standard when it comes to sex (and a lot of other things too it would seem).

category12 · 13/03/2018 19:20

Because of the trigger warning, AngelSins.

AngelsSins · 13/03/2018 19:22

category12 Which she's already explained, and as people are throwing around the word rape, it's probably a good thing she did now.

AngelsSins · 13/03/2018 19:23

In fact, her very first line in her post says it's something MINOR.

category12 · 13/03/2018 19:35

Yes, but most people skim read.

Also the mention of there being a consent issue (I guess obtaining consent through deception) naturally leads to the r word. OP may not have said that, but that's what was inferred by some. Given it was an incident several years ago that still bothers the OP occasionally, I don't think it's that much of a reach by readers.

pallisers · 13/03/2018 19:41

Of course you have a right to be pissed off with him OP, it was a massively shitty thing to do. If a friend begged you for £100 for rent or she was going to get kicked out of the house, and then later you find out she spent that money on a night out, people would be pissed off. I don't see how this is any different other than that people seem to hold men to a much lower standard when it comes to sex (and a lot of other things too it would seem).

literally everyone said that that she had a right to be pissed off with him and it was a shitty thing to do. People also said that, unfortunately there are shitty people out there - men and women - who might behave like this.

WesternMeadowlark · 13/03/2018 20:31

OP, I realise you've said that this isn't what happened to you, I'm saying it because of some of the comments:

Withholding information - or actively lying - to get sex, when you know the other person wouldn't have sex with you if they knew the truth is rape by deception. "It's really common" is no defence at all. Minimising it is nothing but apologism for sexual abuse.

Otherwise: If one person has no suspicion that the other wouldn't consent if they knew the truth, then that's just a horrible mistake, or poor communication on one side or other, or both. It can still leave the person who wanted the information feeling pretty grotty afterwards, though. So although there isn't the same blame involved, other than that it's fine to treat it as being as important as they need to, to help them get past it.

Gemini69 · 13/03/2018 20:35

he knew he was going to end it before arriving... he used you ...he's a scumbag Flowers

kmc1111 · 13/03/2018 20:40

I guess I broke up with someone like this.

I liked him a lot, and everything was great, except for the sex. He wasn’t very good, and there wasn’t really any spark there to build on. We hadn’t had much sex though, so I figured I’d give it another chance before breaking up with him, as I really did like him in other ways. That encounter just confirmed we had no sexual chemistry, so that was that.

Unless this guy was extremely unappealing he could have saved himself the trip, ended things with OP over the phone, then just gone to a local bar and found someone to gave sex with. Instead he packed his bags and drove to see OP. At the very least that suggests he was hoping he’d find a reason not to end things.

Swipe left for the next trending thread