I have two DCs and am an adult so why do I feel like a child when my parents are here?

[TooStressyForMyOwnGood]

My parents are due to visit in a few weeks. They live a few hours drive away and we tend to see them every few months. I have two DC age 5 and 7 who adore their grandparents and my parents really love them too.

However, DH and I absolutely dread seeing them and I feel powerless to change this. I can’t even articulate exactly why. I feel stressed before they come which means I am stressed so the DC behave worse. I then get more stressed so they behave more badly, add in over excitement about seeing grandparents and it just becomes a vicious circle. My parents do not like my DH as they feel he is too harsh on the kids. This is despite us following methods recommended from a parenting course I did to help with behaviour (DC2 can be very challenging) which have made a positive difference to everyone.

I find it almost impossible to feel anything but a sulky teenager when they visit. I certainly do not feel like the parent in the house and am really not sure why. I guess having my parents there seems to completely change the dynamic and I feel they are in charge. Any advice for how to regain in control somehow?!

I need to talk to them before they come to try to make sure that the weekend is not filled with tears, arguments and me counting the seconds until they leave. However, I have no idea what to say. I see other people who have great relationships with their own parents and wish we could have that.

I feel as if I need a mantra!

Just realised I autocorrected you to Dawn, sorry Damn! Thanks Hoof and everyone else. I will try the tips and go from there and have a conversation before we next see them .

And in a way (again if I have understood this correctly) it could be good news because your DH is protecting you because you are upset by your parents, and your parents are protecting you because they perceive your DH as someone who is too absent (when in reality he is just avoiding being hurt and criticised by them) so your parents and your DH are really on the same page!!! in that they love you and want to protect you, even if they can't see it themselves!

So maybe the solution is to assert yourself and make it clear to both sides that you don't need protecting!

Damn, I am quite liking this arm chair pyschology stuff! Sorry though op, I am sure it is far from fun in reality being in the midst of it

Good luck op! You can do it! Hope the conversation goes well.

Can't see it themselves that they are being too heavy handed about it I mean!

Can you go out and leave DCs with them then you don’t see how anyone behaves. Or send DH and DCs and GPS out as you are busy with something. If GPS spent more time with DCs they might not find them so well behaved as then would accept your disciplining. It looks like their love for you as a child was conditional on your ‘good’ behaviour. Which you provided. But they believe it was due to their skilled hands off parenting thus believe (wrongly) that that will work with their DGCs. Hence your stress when they visit that everyone behaves well. Some more armchair psychology.

Your parents shouldnt be getting involved in the parenting. They are not the dcs parents. It is not in their role.

I would say something about hearing their discussions and it being upsetting. Tell them everyone parents differently, you have implemented strategies with the dc which work except when they are around. Let them know it needs to stop. They either get on board and support you and dh or the visits stop.

The dc probably are thinking "oh granny/grandad is hear we can do X and we wont get told off!"

Hi Afresh . Yes I bet that is what DC are thinking which is partly why their behaviour is then terrible!

Loving the aimchair psychology Hoof and Bean.

I was actually a very well behaved hold just because I could never see the point of being bad. I actually really regret that as an adult as it has not helped me with my DC at all. Being naughty seemed like a massive effort when being good (to me) was much easier but it means I struggle to get into the mindset of kids not wanting to be good all the time.

If it was me i might even shame your parents

E.g.

You tell off one of the dc.
Dc cries.
Grandparents rushes over all kisses and cuddles.

"No thank you Granny, we dont do kisses and cuddles until X has thought about her behaviour and appologised"
(Said infront of dc)

-Tell them off.

You would feel great.

Kids need consistency to a point so I would not encourage your DH to change his parenting style while your parents are around. Most kids are smart though so I guess your DC may have cottoned on to the fact you are less willing to chastise them when your parents are around so I would behave as normal and maybe challenge your Parents if they say anything about harsh parenting. They should not mind as it is your house and your D.C. You are the adult in charge and they are guests. You may hav3 to be brave initially but it will get easier.

I go through this with my DM, but in her case she wades in when I'm in the middle of disciplining my DDs and talks over me, saying the same thing. She feels she has to get involved every time. She threatens consequences herself, basically she acts as though she were the parent

It's getting better now, as I don't let her get away with it. I've started pulling her up on it and also limiting our contact with her. She's just too stressful for me to have her in my life too much.

What I've learned through that is that actually I am the one in charge not her. It's tough to do, but once you've done it you find that it is liberating.

Best of luck. You just need to keep reminding yourself that you're the parent not them.

Thanks all. Definitely need to believe I am the one in charge.

*You tell off one of the dc.
Dc cries.
Grandparents rushes over all kisses and cuddles.

"No thank you Granny, we dont do kisses and cuddles until X has thought about her behaviour and appologised"
(Said infront of dc)*

Yes, this. They are saying you are too permissive and your DH too harsh WHILE ALSO undermining your parenting discipline. It would be lovely if everyone just behaved and it was kisses and cuddles and daisy chains, but real life isn't always like that.

Try and channel the spirit of "while you're all under MY roof, its MY rules"!

I will try to channel that mantra!

@TooStressyForMyOwnGood you're not the same poster with the parents that insist on shopping trips every visit?

Yes, that was me, have name changed since though. Was hoping that getting prepared this time before a visit might improve things so posted again.

Your parents are VERY hard work, try and stop people pleasing them and be braver challenging their undermining comments

This is the reason we no longer stay with PILs.

Thanks Random . Oh dear DontOut, do you still see your PIL?

You need to practice saying "mother" in a tone that cuts her sentence dead...

I will start practising .

Try to change your mindset. Encourage your DP to take the DGC out for the day - at 5 and 7 there must be loads of things they can do - then sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet with DH. Or go with them and leave DH to have a nice restful day on his own.

I agree with the PP who said that it is the tension between your DH and DPs which is putting pressure on you.

What do you do about meals? Does everyone help out or do you eat out a lot? I imagine it's the bed changing, shopping and cooking which also adds to the burden. Definitely book them into a B and B if you/they can afford it. I imagine they would prefer their own space too. It can't be easy staying in a house where you feel your SIL resents your presence.

It's great your DP love the DC so much and make the effort to visit so often. You just need to take action to accentuate the positives and reduce the negatives, to try to reach a win-win situation. 5 and 7 are relatively civilised ages for children, so I imagine any poor behaviour problems will resolve soon (before they reach the teens!!).

You may have been a "good child who didn't see the point of being naughty" because you very very successfully internalized the message that you weren't allowed to be naughty. To the point where you don't even feel your own feelings.

You know that cold sweat you were talking about? That's how you really feel - how you still feel - when you think about disobeying your parents.

It's very hard to break away from but I think your unease at the moment is your real feelings starting to break through. Your DH is having to be overly rigid because you are being overly pliant. I agree with previous posters that your new mantra could be "my house, my rules" - being very clear that you are the parent. Think of your parents as naughty children too!

After all you have some excellent role model for uncompromising parenting - they gave you them! Just look within and channel the parent inside!

Something to mull over, do you want your DC to copy the dynamic you have with your parents? I am assume not and that is why you and DH have chosen to parent differently!

You know how your DC used to run rings around you I suspect because you are so ingrained with compliance you replaced keeping your parents happy at any cost with keeping your DC happy at any cost. You now know your DC need firm boundaries to be happy even if it means short term tears.

You need to stand up to your parents when they are undermining you because your DC happiness depends on it.

It may be very rocky for several visits to shift this dynamic, next time they arrange to come visit you could agree with the proviso that they do not undermine your parenting as if it keeps happening it will be one day meet ups from now on only. You know somewhere outdoorsy that the DC will love rather than shopping...

Thanks so much for all advice. Off to do school run, will be back later.

Stilton, I think that is why I stress about it. The DC are in the ‘easy’ years and my parents are still young and fit enough to play etc. I am well aware that there is a short window before my parents get old or my DC don’t want to spend so much time with them and feel so sad we waste it.

Rosy, interesting. Yes, I try to keep people happy and really want my parents to think we are good parents but however hard I try I can’t achieve it. In fact, as you say Random, I actually make it worse by trying to avoid upset which is exactly what I used to do with DDs.

Re. meals, they are a nightmare. DD2 eats most things but DD1 is fussy and my parents constantly worry that she is not eating enough and talk to both her and me about it. Of course she is better just left alone and far more likely to eat but they drive me mad.