I have two DCs and am an adult so why do I feel like a child when my parents are here?

[TooStressyForMyOwnGood]

My parents are due to visit in a few weeks. They live a few hours drive away and we tend to see them every few months. I have two DC age 5 and 7 who adore their grandparents and my parents really love them too.

However, DH and I absolutely dread seeing them and I feel powerless to change this. I can’t even articulate exactly why. I feel stressed before they come which means I am stressed so the DC behave worse. I then get more stressed so they behave more badly, add in over excitement about seeing grandparents and it just becomes a vicious circle. My parents do not like my DH as they feel he is too harsh on the kids. This is despite us following methods recommended from a parenting course I did to help with behaviour (DC2 can be very challenging) which have made a positive difference to everyone.

I find it almost impossible to feel anything but a sulky teenager when they visit. I certainly do not feel like the parent in the house and am really not sure why. I guess having my parents there seems to completely change the dynamic and I feel they are in charge. Any advice for how to regain in control somehow?!

I need to talk to them before they come to try to make sure that the weekend is not filled with tears, arguments and me counting the seconds until they leave. However, I have no idea what to say. I see other people who have great relationships with their own parents and wish we could have that.

I feel as if I need a mantra!

Amen!!! I'm glad someone else feels this way? My dm completely takes over with my daughter whenever she is here and I personally think she doesn't even like me. Both my parents have told me I'm far too strict ( I'm far from it). I count the hours down too. I love with dm for a few years and literally was treated like s child the whole time even though I had a child of my own! I can't provide advice only sympathy!!

Thanks for the sympathy. I was told I was too soft on the parenting course so have become stricter and then get told of by my parents. Seems such a waste of life to count the hours down .

Is it them, or partly them and partly your response?

Because if it's all unspoken disapproval and 'helpful' suggestions that's one thing - and tricky - but to be honest if they are marching in and taking control, taking over with the kids and being rude to your DH then they should stay at a b&b, and THAT'S the conversation you need to be having with them.

I think it’s both Fizzy. It is unspoken, until they go to bed at night when I hear them loudly discussing how I am lacking in confidence and DH is too harsh. Which I would take on board where it not that the reason I am lacking in confidence is because they are bloody THERE and the reason DH is harsh is because I opt out of disclipline at all when they are there as I cannot take the kids being upset in any way as Mum and Dad then tell me we are too harsh.

They see a completely different, artificial side of us.

Told off?

You're an adult, in your own home, with your own children.

'Mum and Dad, me and DH have been having a think and we are going to look for a b&b for you to stay in for your next visit. I think it would be far easier all round - we can see that it's difficult for you to step back while in someone else's home and it's not great for your relationship with the kids for them to associate your visits with a slightly tense atmosphere! If we can do the days together but have a bit of space too I think that would be good. And more of a treat for you guys too perhaps. What do you think?

(Note this sentence does not even suggest that YOU are the people who might need to modify behaviour. It ASSUMES that the dynamic is your parents coming in and disrupting, rather than there being any equal 'disagreement').

I think I worry about the children behaving badly (ridiculously over excited, jumping on furniture, throwing things) as getting them to stop doing any of that seems impossible when my parents are here. If we put them in a time out or a time in or withdraw TV time or anything really my mum just gives them a hug and tells them not to cry . I have no problems with hugs of course but it is so emotionally exhausting.

until they go to bed at night when I hear them loudly discussing how I am lacking in confidence and DH is too harsh

TOTALLY out of order. So to edit:

'Mum and Dad, me and DH have been having a think and we are going to look for a b&b for you to stay in for your next visit. I think it would be far easier all round - we can see that it's difficult for you to step back while in someone else's home and it's not great for your relationship with the kids for them to associate your visits with a slightly tense atmosphere. Last time you stayed we both overheard you loudly discussing us, in our own home - running down our parenting. I think you'd agree that anyone else who behaved so rudely while being a guest would really not be welcome back. I don't ever want to have to hear that again to be honest. So - if we can do the days together but have a bit of space too I think that would be good. And more of a treat for you guys too perhaps. Let us know if you'd rather look for a place or for us to do the reseach - I'll ask around for recommendations'.

Just the thought of saying that brings me out in a cold sweat but I do need to be brave I guess. I even sound like a teenager !

Maybe even do that but not state reasons? Just say you've booked them a b and b as a treat. Also is there anyway they could take the kids themselves for a while ie either at your house while you and DH have a day out somewhere nice or they take the kids somewhere?

They do sometimes take them out to the park so maybe I could encourage that a little bit more yes.

Could you say to DC when they are jumping on furniture etc 'Oh dear, DC. if you're not going to behave when Nanny is here, Nanny will have to go' and separate children and grandparents for a while. Act up again? Separate again and repeat until DC understand that bad behaviour results in no attention from grandparents?

Toostressy I think it happens to most of us, we change our behaviour when our parents are around. This is not to say this is your fault at all, it's just our conditioning. I know my DH who is very assertive at work and has a responsible job struggles to assert himself around his domineering mother. Our adult son reverts to teenage behaviour when he comes home. Have a look at Transactional Analysis, the idea that every communication between 2 people falls into one of 3 categories. Might stop you feeling responsible for it. Can you book them into an air bnb and give yourself some space. What is it they say, relatives and fish go off after 2 days?

Yes that’s a good idea sirlee. I did try that before and then get comments but they have driven such a long way (or that we have if we visit them) so it is not fair to miss out on time together. I end up agreeing. I really need to get a backbone don’t I?!

I did have a (admittedly very brief) look at transactional analysis S0uper but just found it depressing as it didn’t give me any hope I could change things. Perhaps I need to look again though.

I think it is perfectly normal to 'regress' a bit when your parents turn up, but this stood out for me thought of saying that brings me out in a cold sweat

How does your DH respond to this dynamic? I used to be a stupid teenage even at 40 mixture of trying to please and rebelling against my parents. DH has only even known them as adults and so treated them as adults. Once i trusted that he DH had my back, I could relax a bit and follow his lead.

To my surprise, my parents became adults, too. No to say they don't still think of me as a child, to be no so gently corrected, but it got a lot better.

He despairs of them and hides a lot of the time. This reinforces their dislike of him as thy feel he avoids time with the family.

We also argue as I end up begging him just to let the kids run wild for a couple of days so they think he is not too harsh. He refuses so we argue. And so it goes on. Before they visit I try to come up with a game plan but I think he has given up and counts the seconds until they / we leave.

This is a difficult one op.

However difficult it is, I do think you need to be brave and assert yourself and have a face-to-face conversation with them. After all, if they are saying you are "lacking in confidence" then they can only be impressed if you speak up, right?

Easy to say in hindsight, but I think it would have been helpful to tackle them about the conversation you overheard, either at the time or the next morning. But you can still do it now at the start of their next visit (in private while dh takes the DC out) . Take control and set the tone! Take your parents out for a coffee, so you are in a neutral setting and the conversation can't descend in to arguments. Rehearse what you are going to say which could be along the lines of:

• we appreciate how much you visit and your close relationship with the DC

• however, last time you were here, I overheard what you said about our parenting. It upset me very much.

• with the greatest respect to you both, DH and I are in charge of parenting our children in the best way we feel fit. Our house = our parenting rules. I think we need to set some new boundaries.

• I don't have to justify our methods to you but out of respect I shall explain that dh being stricter with the dc is working for us as a family. It doesn't help when you undermine that. This applies even more when you visit because the DC get so excited about seeing you.

• I am only lacking in confidence when you are here because I feel you are judging me adversely and I am upset when you criticise my husband.

• so in future, although I love seeing you, and the DC love you very much, I would appreciate it if you would (respectfully) keep your opinions to yourselves.

• if you are unable to do that, then I suggest it may be best for all of us in future if you stay in a b&b when you visit?

• STAY SILENT , wait for their response, and if they resist, repeat the above, do not justify, apologise, or explain!!

Hopefully, by doing the above and setting clear boundaries, you will feel more in control and less stressed about their visits. Good luck and be brave!

X post - just seen your update.

Nooo!!!!! Your DH shouldn't have to alter his parenting style! For this to work, I think you definitely need to support your dh and have his back (if you agree with his parenting strategies of course!!!). You and your DH need to present a united front! ATM, you are trying to be all things to all people which never works and however much you love your parents, your first loyalty should be unequivocally to your DH.

Or is the problem that you think perhaps your DH is being a bit too harsh, and your parents are sensing your ambivalence and are trying to support you (albeit very clumsily)?

You are right of course Hoof and that is why we argue as he says I don’t back him up. From my perspective I just wish we could all get along for a few days as I hate confrontation and try to do anything possible to keep everyone happy when they visit. Which of course does not work.

However, DH and I absolutely dread seeing them

So don't invite them. Tell them that until they behave acceptably, they aren't welcome in your house.

How would it feel to make a decision to back your DH to the hilt the very first time he disciplines the kids in front of your parents? Or even to commit to disciplining them first? You trust your DH? So you'd be sending a message, both to the kids and your parents.

So it's more of a DH prob than a dps prob? Or not? It's not clear from your posts.

You feel like a child because you are trying to appease all sides?

I guess that is what I need to do Dawn, to avoid having to take the step of not inviting them Cuboidal.

It feels ridiculously overwhelming as I think I assume my parents are the adults and not me .

No it is DH who gets annoyed but more so I think because he sees me super stressed the whole time. So I would say it is a parent problem. Sorry if unclear, I suppose I am rambling.

I think actually that is why the kids are challenging when they visit as they probably haven’t got a clue who is in control. It certainly isn’t me.

No you are not rambling! I wanted to be sure I understood correctly. And Its enormously confusing sometimes when you are in the midst of a situation like this!

So in summary, it is a bit of a head butt or power confrontation between your parents and your dh and you are stuck in the middle... which is not a nice place to be at all

If that is the case then I think Damncommandments strategy is a really good one.