DH hates me - I don't know if he's right?

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My DH hates me. He's told me he's only with me because we have kids.
He says I'm an absolute nightmare and I make his life a complete misery. He tells me that it won't get through to me because I'm so far up my own arse.
I really can't think straight anymore and don't know what's right and what's not.
After we've had an argument he tells me how unreasonable I am and when it's passed I think he's right. But then something else happens and we are fighting again and at the time I genuinely feel my thoughts/argument/stance is justified.
I do think my emotions rule me and I'm not in charge of them. But equally I think my husband can be very insensitive.
He says he dreads the weekends and works all week so that's why his life is miserable.

I feel completely lost and that I've messed my life up. I don't know what to do to stop it or how to act. I confided in my mother and close friend but have stopped that when I realise they act differently towards him which I feel bad about so I now don't have a sounding out block. I think their advice was always biased anyway and my DH tells me I'm surrounded by yes people.
We've been together for years and have recently been through a very rough patch. The majority of our relationship has been miserable.
I feel like lately i obsess over him and I'm too heavily reliant on him emotionally. I love him very much.
I'm off on maternity with our 3rd child and my plans are currently not to go back as childcare is an issue.
Even if I was to go back I don't think I'd have the confidence to cope. I've been at my current workplace for years and the thought of going back to do the same job fills me with dread.

I feel like my identity is wrapped up in him yet this is not true of him. He could cope so well without me. I think it would be the end of me if he were to push the button on us.

I'm thinking about anti depressants - not sure what good they will do?

I feel like I've pushed my DH away because of my emotions to the point of no return.
I think I'm posting to get this off my chest so apologies for the long essay.

I think relationship counselling would be a good idea for you. Do you truly feel your whole relationship has been miserable or is it just because your upset?

Before you go on antidepressants I strongly suggest you try counselling first.

I hope you work this out and feel better soon

Thanks for reading mamachan. I do think our relationship has been miserable when I think back I just remember fight after fight not good times.

I feel like I'm kicking off all the time but don't know if it's because his behaviour is poor or because I'm a horrible person.
We probably shouldn't have stayed together.

Can you give some examples of what prompts him into saying you are a complete nightmare?

Can you give an example of when you kick off ? Is it because your husband is lazy, doesn't help with the children etc , or is it something else ?

I'm wondering how things will be with you soon to be totally financially dependant on him.
Will that make things worse and cause him to be resentful?

I feel like my identity is wrapped up in him yet this is not true of him

You need to change this. You're a person in your own right....not just a mum or a wife. Don't lose your own identity in the midst of everything.

What exactly is it that he hates about you? I can't imagine how hurtful and difficult it will be to continue in the marriage after what he said...and it's going to be a long time till the kids get older.

On top of all that you have an infant and that's hard work.

Well if that's true then maybe you should try to talk to him and see if he is willing to change, talk more, go to counselling.

If not then maybe you need to discuss a trial separation. I say this because even though your children seeing you two as a family unit is important to you, your mental health is just as if not more important. From the sounds of your post your feeling quite sad and withdrawn. Your children will be able to sense that. And might mimic this type of relationship in the future.

Children or not I highly doubt your a horrible person and your dh wouldn't have stayed with you. Talking with dh is key. I find that when I'm feeling high strung and all talks with dh turn to arguments I tend to call or message him. It sounds strange but for me I'm able to really say what I want without being clouded by emotions as it gives me the time to really think about what I want to say

What causes you to “kick off”?

He says I'm difficult and mean spirited. He thinks if he asks me for help I won't do it but if someone else does I jump for them.
Our latest is over the way I reacted over something he said; I haven't seen much of him because of work the past 2 weeks and was looking forward to just being with him and the kids. (I think me being on my own for most days at home doesn't help.)
He suggested going to a local restaurant as the match was on & his brother was going with his daughter so the kids could play and they could watch the match. I told him I didn't want to which was fine. He then quipped that he had missed loads of good matches this season and jokingly said look at the sacrifices I make. I didn't find it funny as i feel like I'm sat desperate to be in his company and he doesn't want to be with me. If he could have it his way he'd be watching the game. So I pulled a face and he had a go. I got cross and told him that it wasn't funny.
He pointed out that he wasn't going to the pub but I told him I felt unwanted and that he'd prefer to be doing everything but being with me & kids.

I'd hazard a guess that you are co-dependent and he is a controlling narcissistic type.

The "you surround yourself with yes men" sounds like projection to me.

Maybe totally wrong but that was my initial reaction reading your post. Narcissistic types are highly skilled at selecting partners who will worship them (personality wrapped up in his).

I'd also agree counselling or therapy is worth you looking into.

I once dated someone like him. I never had before, and now I know the signs I certainly never would again. Mine turned out to be a full blown narcissist. The term is overused, but in his case it was justified (he was a psychologist and acknowledged that he possessed many of the traits during one of our more rational conversations). I was completely bewildered by half the accusations that came flying my way. Regardless, your DH makes you unhappy. He is chipping away at your self esteem and making you feel bad about yourself. No loving partner would do that. Think long and hard about where you want to be in 5 years or so. If you can’t resolutely say, “I want to be with him”, then you need to think about planning to leave. It’s really hard, but not as hard as staying.

You sound very very very far from being up your own arse.
You sound lovely and normal.
You are not the one with the personality problem here.
I hope you find a way through.

I've been trying to catch myself when I feel drawn into a disagreement. For example when we were talking about a house on the market he was making statements like 'that house is the best on the estate because x,y and z' but then I disagree about his reasons why and he doesn't get what I'm saying. I understand it's because it's an opinion about which house is best but he thinks it's a factual matter based on the logic he applies.
I try to point out something along the lines of 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' but he rubbishes it and says it's because I have no logic.
I've realised I should not get drawn in to these sorts of things as he will want to argue until I come round to his way. I don't and it's just wasted energy over nothing but not everything is like those disagreements e.g kids

Of course you are allowed to disagree with him.
It is not ok that he doesn’t let you, and picks you apart. He isn’t god.

While my DH has never said he hates me ...He always wants to win an argument and the example you gave about the house is familiar.

I say to him "that's your opinion" ... over the years I ignore it when he states opinion as though it's fact. It's very annoying.

It can be something as trivial as a film. He says it was fantastic... I say I didn't think it was that good.

Hate is a very strong word though.

If you do decide to go for counselling, go on your own. He sounds like the type of person who would try to dominate and gaslight the counsellor.
You actually need to carve out some space to think for yourself about how you feel, what you want to do next.
Don't tell him. If he's a narcissist, he will try to undermine anything that takes you out of his sphere of influence.

For goodness sake, go back to work once your maternity leave is up! If things are this rocky and you have no way of financially supporting yourself, you’re fucked. (Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to hear this.) No good can come of you being dependent on this man. Even if he is “right” and you are “wrong” about this.

I'm confused - was he inviting you and kids to watch the match with him? Or saying he was going on his own?

I'd hazard a guess that you are co-dependent and he is a controlling narcissistic type.

House!

I also agree. You need to go back to work. Of course we only have one side. But the side I’m hearing isn’t of a woman with her head up her arse. It’s of a woman, whose husband sounds as though he is abusive.

He’d rather be anywhere other than with you or the kids. Really??!! What a thoroughly shit thing to say. Given the right opportunity, I’m sure that wish could be granted.

He seems to be slowly chipping away at your self esteem. Even if some of the things are true, afterall none of us are perfect, constantly telling you he’s right, you’re wrong is awful. Abusive. Making his life a misery? Hates you?

How long has this been going on? Have you asked yourself why you are having sex and another child with him? This situation doesn’t sound recent.

Sounds like you’ve got to the point where you only see yourself through his eyes. Which is very confusing and upsetting if ‘his eyes’ are reflecting you as this really awful person when there’s a bit of you thinking ‘hang on, was I that forgiveably terribly just then? Really?’

You need to build some self esteem and self identity that isn’t relying on your husband.

I can see you’re desperate to love him, spend time with him, make everything ok... but sometimes the best way to do this is by pulling back and focusing on yourself not in him...

Divorce. I don't think there's any coming back from that. I'm very sorry.

@Johnnycomelately1

Why couldn't you have gone to the game? If you just want him to sit at home with you every weekend maybe he's bored?

I don't always point out when I disagree with people over trivial things like the house. Sometimes it's better just to be non committal. Not everything has to be a big deal.

He could cope so well without me. I think it would be the end of me if he were to push the button on us

I bet he couldn't and I bet it wouldn't...

In the example you gave, he invited you and the kids to go out and watch the game but you complained that he wants to be anywhere but with you? Why didn’t you go? Lots of people would prefer to watch the rugby in company.

I really doubt that youre anywhere near what he says you are. Youre a normal person who is allowed to have an opinion that he cant cope with. He wants a yes person and you arent that.
Youre obsessed with him because hes pulling away. Insecure attachment is so intense. It doesnt mean its love.

I think if you split, youd be devastated for a short period and then realise how much better off and happier you are quite quickly