DH hates me - I don't know if he's right?

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My DH hates me. He's told me he's only with me because we have kids.
He says I'm an absolute nightmare and I make his life a complete misery. He tells me that it won't get through to me because I'm so far up my own arse.
I really can't think straight anymore and don't know what's right and what's not.
After we've had an argument he tells me how unreasonable I am and when it's passed I think he's right. But then something else happens and we are fighting again and at the time I genuinely feel my thoughts/argument/stance is justified.
I do think my emotions rule me and I'm not in charge of them. But equally I think my husband can be very insensitive.
He says he dreads the weekends and works all week so that's why his life is miserable.

I feel completely lost and that I've messed my life up. I don't know what to do to stop it or how to act. I confided in my mother and close friend but have stopped that when I realise they act differently towards him which I feel bad about so I now don't have a sounding out block. I think their advice was always biased anyway and my DH tells me I'm surrounded by yes people.
We've been together for years and have recently been through a very rough patch. The majority of our relationship has been miserable.
I feel like lately i obsess over him and I'm too heavily reliant on him emotionally. I love him very much.
I'm off on maternity with our 3rd child and my plans are currently not to go back as childcare is an issue.
Even if I was to go back I don't think I'd have the confidence to cope. I've been at my current workplace for years and the thought of going back to do the same job fills me with dread.

I feel like my identity is wrapped up in him yet this is not true of him. He could cope so well without me. I think it would be the end of me if he were to push the button on us.

I'm thinking about anti depressants - not sure what good they will do?

I feel like I've pushed my DH away because of my emotions to the point of no return.
I think I'm posting to get this off my chest so apologies for the long essay.

Please don't go to couple counselling with him. Please go to individual counselling or psychotherapy. Also don't leave your job. Please don't ignore what you are feeling and experiencing.

"He wants a yes person and you arent that"

How do you know that? It's bloody tiring having someone pick holes in what you say all the time.

I think he’s gaslighting you. I can’t see a future for you with this abusive man. 💐

I can’t see a future for you with this abusive man

Mumsnet really has become a parody of itself.

It's hard to tell from.those two examples who's being unreasonable. But you sound very unhappy and your mum.and friends back you up. I think getting some counselling on your own would be worthwhile and another vote for not leaving your job.

@tralalee Are you the husband, or have you got some other interest in being particularly unsupportive?

It’s hard to tell from your example but it definitely sounds like you’re both unhappy and neither is feeling appreciated or having their expectations met.

OP your husband is abusive, he's got into your head and now you can only see yourself from his narrative. He has made you completely dependent on him. It's very important that you keep talking to your family about this so you get an outside perspective.

Do not go to counselling with him, he will play out the same dynamic there.

What you need is therapy for yourself, the Freedom Programme, and some books on domestic abuse so that you can learn how abusers operate. You need to rebuild your sense of self which has been demolished by this man.

The majority of our relationship has been miserable

So start to think about how your life could be without him.

I don't know about the mumsnet cliches but if my Dh told me he hated me and was only with me for the sake of the children I would LTB.

We both do stuff that’s not really our thing, thought it was just Part of making an effort with Each other so you both get to do what you like. Also if you get in the spirit of it, something you didn’t think would be fun can often be.

The majority of our relationship has been miserable - if this is what you really think then you need to seriously consider whether staying in this relationship is the right thing to do.

The example you gave about the match is puzzling. I can see that you might not want to go, and so said that to him. Equally though, he did want to go and also wanted to include you and go somewhere where the kids would have fun too. I can't see anything wrong with that.

Maybe neither of you is horrible but perhaps you are just not that compatible together.

He does have time to do things he likes. He goes to the gym every sat and sun morning and the odd week night. He has nights out with work and goes to the pub with his friends for the match. Im not the sort of partner that would ever stop him from doing those things.

However, if I do complain like I did at the weekend I feel like he comes down on me like a tonne of bricks. It's really not my idea of family time sitting at the pub with a match on in the background.

The current state of play is he now wants me to apologise and reflect on how terrible my behaviour was relating to this incident. He keeps telling me I've ruined the weekend and I'm so far up my own arse and arrogant that I won't apologise.
If I do apologise this would be followed with another 'telling off' and lecture on how terrible my behaviour was. If I don't apologise I still get a lecture and then he goes in the huff.

From your update, he sounds horrible.
I wouldn’t apologise. Your behaviour wasn’t terrible. You just told him that wasn’t what you wanted. He needs to accept that you have your own opinions. If anything, you should stand your ground and start working on yourself.

How much time do you get to do what you want to do?

I really don't think we are compatible. We used to be but when the kids came along we both changed.
I can't speak for him and of course he has his perception of the relationship.
I feel like he wants someone who is low maintenance and what MN would call a 'cool wife'. Yet in contrast I want the easy going husband who pitches in with the kids.
I believe it's give and take. I don't think I do a lot of taking but if I do assert myself (like at the weekend) it's perceived as me being a controlling nag.
I just don't know what to do.

He treats you like a child...depending apologies like that.

My take on the match ... is I wouldn't get in the way of DH watching football. I knew he was a keen supporter before we got married and if we're invited somewhere and his team are playing...I take my car and he comes later.

Like you...sitting in the pub watching the match wouldn't be my idea of fun...but I'd tell him to go with the kids...as it isn't my thing, without complaining or making a big deal about it.

I refuse to wait till after the match...which may be his preference.

I'd say you need to pick your battles with him.

It seems like your H frightens you and makes everything your fault. Has he always been like this?

I thought your example about ‘which is the best house’ was very telling. You saying people might have different opinions and him saying ‘no, my opinion is the only correct one, if you disagree with me you lack logic’, and wanting to argue you into submission. It sounds exhausting to live with someone like that, and not to be allowed your own point of view.

You sound like a person who has been systematically abused... I think you need to look in to a freedom programme to help you find your self worth again.

I thought you meant go to an actual match. I agree sitting in a pub with young kids sounds a bit grim.

It's impossible to tell from a few messages and random incidents whether he is truly abusive or it's a six of one, half a dozen if the other situation.

Either way neither of you sound happy and I urge you to listen to the many posters telling you not to become financially dependent upon him. Go back to work and maintain your career and independence in case you decide you want to leave.

The current state of play is he now wants me to apologise and reflect on how terrible my behaviour was relating to this incident.

If you don't,will he send you to your room, or just stop your pocket money?

Silver do you have a supportive family?
Would you have time for counselling?
It is ok to be you, and take up
your space in the world.

You said that your identity is wrapped up in him. You should really work to change this and find out who you are again.
Don’t give up your job. Ride out the childcare and later, you can look to progress. You don’t have to stay in the same job for years.

Do you get time to yourself? If so, what do you do?

I don't get time to myself since I had our 3rd child. My family is supportive.
I'm not sure about counselling. What happens in counselling?
My husband would flat out refuse it.

I would say don't go to counselling with him at present. If as seems likely he is actually abusive such joint counselling is likely to give him more power to abuse you.
Your family and friends probably see him more clearly than you do at present.

If my husband ever told me he hated me I would tell him to leave and start a divorce.

Don't leave your job. It maybe your best escape route.