DH hates me - I don't know if he's right?

[silverphotofram]

My DH hates me. He's told me he's only with me because we have kids.
He says I'm an absolute nightmare and I make his life a complete misery. He tells me that it won't get through to me because I'm so far up my own arse.
I really can't think straight anymore and don't know what's right and what's not.
After we've had an argument he tells me how unreasonable I am and when it's passed I think he's right. But then something else happens and we are fighting again and at the time I genuinely feel my thoughts/argument/stance is justified.
I do think my emotions rule me and I'm not in charge of them. But equally I think my husband can be very insensitive.
He says he dreads the weekends and works all week so that's why his life is miserable.

I feel completely lost and that I've messed my life up. I don't know what to do to stop it or how to act. I confided in my mother and close friend but have stopped that when I realise they act differently towards him which I feel bad about so I now don't have a sounding out block. I think their advice was always biased anyway and my DH tells me I'm surrounded by yes people.
We've been together for years and have recently been through a very rough patch. The majority of our relationship has been miserable.
I feel like lately i obsess over him and I'm too heavily reliant on him emotionally. I love him very much.
I'm off on maternity with our 3rd child and my plans are currently not to go back as childcare is an issue.
Even if I was to go back I don't think I'd have the confidence to cope. I've been at my current workplace for years and the thought of going back to do the same job fills me with dread.

I feel like my identity is wrapped up in him yet this is not true of him. He could cope so well without me. I think it would be the end of me if he were to push the button on us.

I'm thinking about anti depressants - not sure what good they will do?

I feel like I've pushed my DH away because of my emotions to the point of no return.
I think I'm posting to get this off my chest so apologies for the long essay.

Two things stand out for me, that you say you are too reliant on him emotionally, and that you say you can't control your emotions.

Being too reliant on anyone is draining for both people. I've been in both positions, and having someone totally rely on you is so hard, even if you love them. It destroys the respect you have for them, and it makes everything you do together a burden.

The thing is you CAN control your emotions. I used to think I couldn't either, but I learned to. It is a vital skill; without this kind of control, it is impossible to be happy.

I would talk to a counsellor about both of these issues.

Your marriage isn't even the main issue here, it sounds more like you need to gain confidence in yourself and your abilities, and to start seeing yourself as separate from your husband.

I'm definitely lacking in confidence. I've always been a people pleaser and hate confrontation and think I suffer from low scale social anxiety.
It's got worse as I've got older for some reason.

I can also see why being overly attached to someone would push them away. I'm not clingy in the respect that I phone him constantly when he's out but I do just hang about waiting around for him to come home. I wouldn't feel confident going out without him or at least don't enjoy it as much.

Silver my advice is seek counselling on your own. Going together just gives him the chance to shout about your behaviour leaving you no space to talk about important things to you. You could even show the counsellor this thread to start things off. I wouldn't tell anyone about it until I'd had a couple/few sessions as I wouldn't want my husband using it as more "ammunition" but that's me so I wouldn't tell you how to go about it.

It sounds like he has gradually moulded you over the years to the point that you don't even see the way he treats you and worse he's made you believe it's your fault!

My feeling is that when you do what he wants and you fill all responsibilities he had no interest in things are fine (but your secretly unhappy) but when you share your wants needs and opinions he dominates and ridicules until you back down. That is not a supportive relationship and you deserve more.

Your family look at him differently when you share these things because they can see things that you can't. Have you tried viewing him through another's eyes. For example how would you feel if this was your sister/friends/daughters husband and it was them living like you do?

You say you just don't know what to do but you have already identified plenty of things you could start acting upon right away.

You don't go out enough yourself. Change that.

You rely on him for company. Change that. Go on a full on friendship making campaign.

Work like crazy on detaching from him. Don't work on your relationship. Work on yourself.

Do you go out without him to any baby or toddler groups? If not, then start going.
Do you have friends you can meet up by yourself? I used to put the children to bed and leave dh with the baby and go out for a meal or to the cinema with friends.

Do you like doing any exercise? Can you get a slot over the weekend to go to a class, swim or walk?

Start learning who you are again.

It sounds like it's all about him and if you point out the unfairness he gets angry which will obviously stop you from voicing your opinions a lot of the time for an easy life.

No wonder you've not been happy during your relationship and it only went downhill since you had kids because presumably before kids there would be little demand from him and no sacrifices needed from you.

The most important person to please is yourself.

Daykay id right. You need to work out who you are, and be ok with that person.
Counselling should be a safe place where you can talk about things that matter to you.

How are you silver?

Tralalee

100% agree with you

In many ways it doesn't matter who is at fault in this relationship, or how many people on mn think he's an arse.

He hates you. He works long hours to avoid your company. He treats you with utter contempt.

It doesn't matter how you feel about him, the marriage is already over and you need support, counselling and practical advice to come to terms with it.