Date accused of rape by ex?

[wouldyoudo]

It randomly came up in conversation that a woman he had dated who had a mental health crisis accused him of rape

It's early days so easy to back out of anything

I'm torn between knowing that this can genuinely happen/treating it as a red flag and running a mile

No conviction but then in rape that rarely happens anyhow

I don't know any more details. I didn't push for them so whether he was 17 or it was last year I have no idea

A man who would tell you this is a man who is testing your reactions.

Did he offer the information up or did it come about in another way? It's an odd admission to make so early in a relationship.

What's your gut feeling? I know mine would be to walk away simply because there are far, far more men who escape a conviction for a rape accusation than women who falsely accuse men of rape. But what counts is how you felt about it.

I think you'd always wonder if he did or not no matter what he says about it. I'd run and keep running. It's bizarre to bring it up and he's definitely seeking a reaction and testing your boundaries I think. Run.

Well I mean that would be something that would have me thinking twice. Maybe he was just trying to be open and upfront about it so that you didn’t think that he had lied to you later down the line. But on the other hand that’s annuneceszarily off putting thing to say and I would assume some kind of ulterior motive. Honestly, unless he’s a real catch I just wouldn’t bother after hearing that. Clearly he has some issues. With most people I wouldn’t really want to deal with that.

It randomly came up. I don't think he planned to say it or put any thought into it. More like a knee jerk reaction to me saying something about an ex of mine

I don't think he planned to say it or put any thought into it.

So he's either :
a - manipulative and testing your reactions
b - prone to bringing up scary and serious topics without thinking about it
c - doesn't think rape is a big deal

Oh, and might be a rapist.

Nah. Not worth the hassle, is it?

I think it is unfair for people to tell you to run. He could be innocent. In fact, he may have told you because when he has told other women they have ditched him. Honestly I would investigate further before writing him off. Ask for more detail and google the case. Can you find out through Claire’s law? Or the other one? Obviously only if you like him, your gut might be telling you something is off. I think this is def on of those “listen to your gut” situations!

No amount of evidence is going to be able to tell the OP whether he is innocent or guilty, if he was not convicted.

Yeah there's no way of knowing anything... whether he's guilty or innocent

And it's too early to say I have any idea or gut feeling

I can so easily walk away right now

There's just that "but what if he really is innocent" thought in my head at this stage

I don't think he expected to say it tbh, more like something that came out and couldn't go back in. I didn't press for details

I don't think Clare's law would apply... he's a date, not a "relationship" currently

I have been raped. That’s my context declared.

I think it’s positive that he’s told you.

I l know of 2 people who falsely cried rape for attention (admitted luckily for the men they accused). Also have another ongoing issue within extended family of which the first has been dropped by the court and the second about to go to court. I have no opinion either way on that as I don’t really know any of them well enough so am cautious of having an opinion either way.

This is a touchy subject for me but it is good he’s said to you about his past and I’d be inclined to have a more in depth conversation about the circusumstances and make a decision then.

Damn...I hadn’t finished before I posted.

On the flip side, so many woman have shared that they’ve either been raped or assaulted.

It’s not about other people history, mine included, it’s about going with a gut feeling you have. You should talk and trust in yourself to make that call

I have also experienced what could be rape. It's a difficult one for me as I'm still conflicted and possibly always will be over whether it was/wasn't rape. A girl after me repeated the accusation and that case was dropped. I never made any formal allegation. So I know not all situations are entirely clear

Maybe it will always play on my head now but on the other hand... he's said it. I'd be none the wiser if he hadn't

Him speaking so casually about it is concerning; rape is not an off-the-cuff issue. And once it was raised it would be natural for you to have questions and it to neeed further dislcussion - the fact he didn't offer that is odd.

So I’d you can’t get over the revelation, walk away now. I can’t imagine going through a lifetime tied to a person I couldn’t be too sure of.

Do you think you could open up a discussion about it? For me not feeling able to would be another reason to walk away.

Take some time, have a think. You’re in no rush to make a definitive decision. I’d hope you could both at least talk about it.

What did you say about your ex for this to come up? If it was in the context of talking about what happened to you, I would run a mile.

No haven't shared anything of what happened in my past

I mentioned my ex having a particular MH diagnosis and he volunteered the info as a response to that he had an ex with the same diagnosis and what had happened to him

What if he's really innocent"

Well, so what?

There are loads of men that you have chosen not to date.

The mental health diagnosis bit is a red flag for me.

Her having a mental health diagnosis doesn't automatically make her liar.

Lots of people end up with mental health crises after being raped because it's so traumatic, so I don't see why he's mentioned that.

There are plenty of men out there. Before you get attached to this one I would move on and find one who hasn't accused of raping anyone.

There's not really anything to talk about at this stage... it's a date. Not a relationship.

I think you're likely right and I agree it doesn't make her a liar. On the other hand I've had years of allegations/accusations (nothing like rape or remotely as serious but still upsetting and character assassination) myself as an effect of my ex MH

I've also known lots of people with the diagnosis who've never falsely accused anyone so perhaps my ex was also an abusive jerk aside from his MH problems or maybe it just intertwined

Idk 😐 I won't stress over it for now. He may never call again anyway and if he does I can see what my gut tells me if we talk more

I wouldn't keep dating him; find another man who hasn't been accused of rape.

I'd also keep in mind he could have told you because you may find out on your own at a later date and it'll look like lying if he didn't tell you.

You've gotta make a choice you can live with. A friend of mine was accused of rape, he proved he was in a total different country on the night but mud sticks. He's lost friends who still don't believe him. All because someone had a case of mistaken identity. It can happen op.

I don't know if this helps at all but he could be lying about his exgirlfriend having a mental health issue. I was raped by a boyfriend a long time ago and before I had told even y closest friend/relative he pre emptively told people where I live that I was a "psycho nutjob" with a split personality disorder and I had made it up. Be careful and stay safe Op.

Run a mile.... rapists don't generally go round admitting it. And on the other hand Women don't accuse an ex for the fun of it.
Why mess round with the bother? Different situation if you been with him 10 years and an allegation from years ago comes up. You don't know this man, have you had sex with him yet??