'Is he having an affair' type threads - be honest..

[MelonKim]

How much your interest in them is perhaps not 100% based on care - how much its gossipy interest

(I hold my hands up and I am ashamed.)

I am sure I am not the only one. Just sometimes the pestering for an update and pointless bunches of fucking flowers to mark a place, seem not from ' a good place' iykwim

Other people's suffering does seem to be entertaining for others. It reminds me of women sitting knitting at executions.

I am sure this is true for many, human nature being what it is (hence the popularity of soaps) - but does it matter? Many many posters have been through the mill relationship wise, and can offer good, sound advice and support both practical and emotional for those in the grip of anxious distress.

also, telling people to leave people. Its an odd thing to believe that you know enough about a strangers life to make such a black and white decision, and I think it is utterly unfair pressure

I would say the balance of advice - ducks in a row shit and all that - compared to nosiness is like 30:70

There was a thread yesterday asking after a deleted 'is he having an affair' thread

Many of the replies were saying things like "I only got half way through the story and then it was deleted"

There were lots of concerned comments too about the original OP but a lot of the replies seemed to view the whole thing as an intriguing mystery and their main concern about the thread being deleted was that they didn't get to find out the truth/ending

I think a lot of posters were genuinly worried about pp there.

Sorry I meant about OP!

I know Ryder63 but there was a significant minority of posters whose primary concern wasn't for the original OP

I think some are an exercise in creative writing. There are some very obvious affair trolls and i feel sorry that some people get sucked in and genuinely care about the OP

Well ya posts ya problem - ya takes ya chance! I wonder how many women have managed to finally leave their abusive partners or shit relationships because of advice and opinions here? Hundreds I bet. This itself makes it worth posting.

I think you are judging people's interest in much the same way as you accusing others of!

There will never be 100% perfect responses or kind wholesome comments. But someone came and asked for advice and they are often given very helpful and supportive comments by others who have been in the same or similar situation.

If posters feel they are getting some support that they desperately need (and they often say they are) who are we to judge?

I think very few women would take the advice they give out on these threads if they found themselves in the sane situation.

I have a wonderful boyfriend but find I get a bit off with him when I read affair threads.

There will always be people whose primary motive is entertainment. But there will also be people with past experience or wisdom who say what they would do and offer advice; which is ultimately why people post. For sympathy and understanding, to check they've not missed anything, and to understand what others would do.

It's not undue pressure. No one is sending a Mumsnet mob to break up with people. Sometimes there are bizarre and somewhat legally sketchy ideas like hacking accounts or putting trackers on cars which are uncomfortable to read and potentially misleading for someone who is already in crisis; but generally, they can take whichever advice they like and disregard the rest.

It’s human nature I think. I used to love the problem pages in mags before the internet.
Also people (usually) like a bit of gossip and how many follow fictional lives on tv/ radio.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it and imv you have to be pretty concerned to post the prob online and in need of help.

I think you are terribly rude OP. Your post is also a bit offensive or harsh for the posters who have actually been through this sort of scenario and have received excellent advice here.
Why do we see the need to start threads on such random stuff as supermarket tills for mums and percentage of nosiness on serious threads? If I were you, I would get a fucking life.

I think it's good to listen / read other people's points of view / opinions because it could give the OP the strength to do what they want to do .... of course no one in their sound mind would listen to a group of people they haven't meet or have any type of relationship with .... that's madness..,. But listening / reading other people's situations can bring hope & strength. .... or confusion.

I really feel for those who are struggling so I don’t find it a hard stretch to think that others are like me and hope that we can help, comfort, prevent unhappiness.

I think that we tend to judge the motives of others based largely on projection and experience. So the fact that I think people are mostly caring or here to learn rather than here for entertainment comes from my own attitudes to the board.

I think the same, sometimes I want to know whether there really was cheating and I guess that doesn’t come from a good place. But I also feel genuine sadness that it is a real person behind those posts, with a real life sitting in their home typing whilst their husbands aren’t home probably crying their eyes out.
On the other hand, venting all the anger onto mumsnet means that the anger isn’t projected towards the husband and gives the poster a real chance to “get ducks in a row”. The advice to go through all bank accounts, get copies of everything could be invaluable during a divorce.

Also, telling people to leave people. Its an odd thing to believe that you know enough about a strangers life to make such a black and white decision, and I think it is utterly unfair pressureh
You must be young OP to think that someone would leave on the say of a stranger.
But when it comes to maariage issues I would prefer to discuss it with a counsellor or stranger online. People in real life will most likely have a vested interest in the two people in the marriage, wanting you to stay together because they like DH, don’t want the DCs upset or possibly advise you to leave as they don’t like him for some past slight. I think MN threads with the many views can be useful to the OP.

I’m really old.

Autumn I agree with you

The responses that annoy me are the ones where they are clearly looking for drama and not to support the OP.

I mean stuff like
"Call your BF and ask her to follow his car"
"Tell OW that he's been shagging someone else who you know, and that he's given you chlamydia"
"Take his phone off him and change her number to yours"
"Turn up at work unexpectedly with all his clothes in a bin bag. Leave the used condom on the reception desk while loudly announcing you're throwing the cheating scumbag out"
"Invite OW round, say you have to pop out as you forgot some shopping, then leave a nanny cam recording them"

It's just terrible advice and there's a sense of almost greed - "never mind that someone's heartbroken, we want to hear about the drama of the cheat exposed! I can't wait!"

One of the key things you’re told not to say to someone who’s a victim of DV is to leave.
This is a different thing, but by giving black and white instruction it makes the person seeking advice reluctant to come back for support if they haven’t heeded the advice given.
Women in this situation are sad and confused. They don’t need instruction

My interest is genuine and I'm in contact with a number of people who originally posted with relationship problems where they were the betrayed spouse or the cheater.

I speak to them on the phone and provide support when they've often been scared off posting on threads because their called stupid, mugs or doormats for wanting to reconcile or scum of the earth, twats or c**ts for cheating. I never hurl insults at cheaters, because I understand it's not always black and white.

I don't throw out LTBs willy nilly and I'm objective in what I say and empathetic.

I've had a number people PM me because their embarrassed/scared to post on here when their OH has cheated, because they know what the majority of responses will be.

When OWs come here I often direct them to support sites for 'the other'. That's not saying I condone what their doing btw. I just find insulting them counterproductive.

I do it because I genuinely like to help, I'm very knowledgeable on the subject of infidelity (from both sides) and it's related to my counselling training.

If you want to redress the 30:70 balance, or you feel that the balance of advice being given is wrong, then the solution is at your fingertips. You need to post the advice that you think is better. And do so on the thread in question, rather than vaguely moaning about shitty posts/posters on some unknown but apparently highly typical thread.

I can’t think of any poster in particular. Just two recent threads. But it’s always bothered me - and others it seems