'Is he having an affair' type threads - be honest..

[MelonKim]

How much your interest in them is perhaps not 100% based on care - how much its gossipy interest

(I hold my hands up and I am ashamed.)

I am sure I am not the only one. Just sometimes the pestering for an update and pointless bunches of fucking flowers to mark a place, seem not from ' a good place' iykwim

Advice on here too often slips into "do as I say" though.

I've seen some OPs really going through the mill and the insensitivity of some posters is just awful. OPs being told, because they don't follow the proffered "advice" quickly or completely enough that they're hurting their children, to blame for their situation, or the supremely passive aggressive "you're not following my script so I'm out".

I've seen some very well established posters doing this.

‘Trolling for victims’? ‘Creepy and over invested’?

See, that’s the thing with online posting, just a slight difference in approach or understanding can become massively distorted when regurgitated with a different spin on it. Add some of the usual over exaggeration and impassioned rhetoric, and it’s impossible to tell who’s right, wrong, or inside out.

I just... I don't know. We all know there is a cheater's script and I think many of us like to point this out early on so when he (and it usually is a he) starts with the nothing happened, oh we kissed once, well we slept together once etc. the OP can see it for the bullshit it is.

I get annoyed by "Are you OK OP?" aka "So, was he cheating?" for days and days. She is clearly either not logged in, dealing with the fallout or has decided to abandon the post which is 100% allowed!

And yes, totally agree with the opinion that posters saying it's probably fine and he paid for that boutique hotel on behalf of his cheating friend or some such are Not Helping.

I reply out of care, and a bit of personal experience. I really don't think there are half as many rubber neckers as you make out. There is plenty of good advice on here and a whole load of people that have come out the other side. Don't try and make out the majority are clicking their needles watching the show as I refuse to believe it's the case

I find at a very difficult time like this there can be a lot of solace knowing others have been through similar experiences and yet Can still be kind, considerate, thinking people because in my experience it's very easy to turn into a wilting mess at a time like this or have steam coming out your ears and be a ball of raging anger. Having somewhere for both other people's thoughts and a place to vent where no one knows you is vital for many. Yes I think there are a few 'students of creative writing' but I would hate for people on here to dismiss one genuine person needing to vent or seek help simply because of the odd person who is a drama llama and clearly needs to seek psychiatric help if they make up such shit!!

I do feel though people wanting to know every little detail a bit much!!

I agree that there is a wide mix of supportive and helpful advice and posters who are drawn in by the suspense of the unfolding drama.
You can see how people get frustrated when events don't follow tight time frames. Say a week from suspicion to confirmation to stuff in bin bags and visiting solicitor . Real life however is cluttered up with work, DC and other ongoing stuff, so relationship dramas can get suspended or drawn out.

I drew huge support and inspiration from other posters' stories here, and I also learned some really valuable detection skills. Ducks in a row is extremely practical advice when it is a race against time, dramatic as it may sound but critical when your life as you knew it is just about to change forever. I read AVIDLY and there were times I wondered if I was feeding my own obsession (and I almost certainly was) but it paid off when I knew what I had to do.

I think it is a tremendous support to have a private online platform for advice, sounding off, getting independent views, when one is not ready to say things out loud either to the partner or to family and friends. It can often feel melodramatic but affair dramas do tend to unfold very rapidly and shockingly.

I'm very grateful for having this forum. I'm still here reading and answering three years on, because I relate to certain situations and hope I can hold a hand or offer advice.

Well OP you know I agree with you. That said there have been people who got what they needed when they were in need. And fair play sometimes we have to take the rough with the smooth.

I just find it distasteful, when I see a crowd of posts getting agitated when the poster doesn't come back often enough. Then it's the flowers. Purely there to remind the person where they are in the story. Or if posters don't like what is said determining it's a troll/journalist.

Sometime the things said would scare people off but accusers don't seem to mind.

I haven’t read the thread but I often just leave the 💐
Absolutely not marking my place as I often then hide the thread as it’s too painful to read and see someone else’s life unravel.

When you’ve been there yourself, it’s pain and empathy you feel.

Right, but that’s advertising stalking isn’t it Vanessa?

Vanessa, this was done to me by an ex and yes, it's stalking. It's not helpful in a divorce but actually illegal. I don't think you should encourage posters to use such services. The same is actually true about taking your partners phone when you've not been given the password, keeping it to back into it and then use the contents. It's really not legal and can cause a lot of trouble if the phone owning partner decides to pursue.

Sorry if this is a bit off topic, but so often I read on here: back into his phone, Facebook, track his car etc... it might help a poster knowing what is going on but it really isn't an ok thing to do and the law recognises this.

“I'm very knowledgeable on the subject of infidelity (from both sides) “

Sandy, are you implying you’ve cheated on your partner? Do you disclose this to the posters who seek your sympathy and advice?

There we are Vanessa. A perfect example of the unhelpful shit that we are talking about