'Is he having an affair' type threads - be honest..

[MelonKim]

How much your interest in them is perhaps not 100% based on care - how much its gossipy interest

(I hold my hands up and I am ashamed.)

I am sure I am not the only one. Just sometimes the pestering for an update and pointless bunches of fucking flowers to mark a place, seem not from ' a good place' iykwim

If I'm honest I start following those sort of threads to find out what happens, as I do with many others parking, sporn etc.
However I personally often end up feeling quite connected to the person behind the post, thinking about them during the day for example when off line or willing them on at a particularly difficult time. I sometimes even have good suggestions (I think!)

I've always thought if I was in a similar situation I would post here for support despite some seeing my life as a soap. It's a risk you take.

I’m surprised that people think a lot are fictitious. I’ve been here for centuries. This has never occurred to me

How are you finding so many clients who post on MN @SandyY2K? - I’m surprised such a large number seem to also use MN. I would have expected a minority of cheated on/ OW.

There are lots of posters looking for drama, not giving support.

There are also lots of OPs looking to practice their creative writing skills, not seeking support.

In an ideal world I guess the drama seekers and the novelists would flock together, but in practice I guess they don’t.

I must say that I do take an interest and post in these threads. But some men cheat and their partners are totally unaware. So all this holding hands up in horror it could never happen to me stuff. It can happen to anyone. IMHO.

It's noticeable that the threads posted after the discovery of the affair get fewer responses than posts where there is a"story" with ambiguous clues, and often unfolding in real time which ramps up the tension. I agree it's human nature, and the screen is a barrier to encourage people (including me) to be anonymously engaged with the story and wanting the reveal, but I think you can simultaneously be genuinely sympathetic and supportive.

I don’t think 70% of posters are just wanting lurid entertainment on all relationship threads.

That’s a big statement to make and one that’s very cynical at best. I’m not sure where you are coming from on this - what do you think of the poor people posting in need of help, and the way they should be treated?

I do agree that on some threads, posters get caught up in the narrative action and forget there’s a real person involved. But not on most threads.

I also think there are rubber necker’s around but it’s pretty easy to see who they are and ignore their ‘advice’.

They’re usually the ones glorying in the drama. Rather than comforting the OP and helping them see a path through their situation, they like to hype up the tension, and catastrophise, saying ‘ooh, what if he does this, or this, or this...’ until you’ve got the OP in imminent danger of being tortured and left for dead, when there’s not even a hint of either.

Mumsnetters helped me understand how abusive my husband was and that I wasn’t going mad, was a terrible person, was all my fault etc, but that I was simply living in an unliveable situation with a terrible abuser.

Ds and I got out and that’s mainly down to mumsnet.

There probably were folk enjoying the story and rubber necking eejits hanging on but in the main, I got the help and support I desperately needed. I don’t think I would have got out when I did without posters help. I would have done eventually, but given I didn’t even realise I was being abused... it would have taken a lot longer.

And oh boy (!), I was really really being abused, but so gradually and so deep in it and couldn’t identify it as I was Bad and he was Good, always... so I was blind to the emotional, social, financial, and physical abuse. Right up until the physical got really bad and that’s when I got up the courage to start posting here. Took even longer to recognise the sexual abuse for what it was. Again, Mumsnet helped eventually, when I was ready to recognise what it was.

I hope this is the same for others, and it hasn’t changed too much in recent years/ months...

I’ve been through the whole cheating and divorce. I LTB, and genuinely what to help others going through it and that no matter how bad it feels in the beginning it things get better.

Also had I have had someone to hand hold me through it all I would have handled everything better.

I would say that I take a particular interest in the cheating posts. More from a standpoint that “Ha! Another one got caught cheating!”

There are quite a lot of threads which appear to seek to damn MN relationship advice. The idea that you don't have to put up with a crap relationship, and that leaving is a valid option, seems remarkably threatening to some, which I say simply because it provokes such a lot of threads and I really can't see why, other than to silence that POV.

People may or may not actually leave, but realising that actually, you're not making a fuss about nothing, and people should expect to be treated well and shouldn't have to put up with consistent shoddiness, is something that does need to be said (unfortunately) and particularly to those whose self-esteem and sense of normal has been eroded over time.

The way I look at it -

if someone comes on here asking if their partner is cheating, generally there's a damned good reason for it - a backstory of niggling things crystallised into one particular tipping point. So people coming on with incredibly convoluted possible explanations of why he might not be cheating make me roll my eyes more than the ones saying actually if you don't trust him and you feel like something is wrong you should trust yourself. Cheats generally gaslight the shit out of you until you don't know which way is up.

Likewise "leave the bastard" advice. Your friends and family won't be that honest with you, generally - they're invested in the status quo, their own relationship expectations might be desperately low. Bunch of strangers on the internet don't have the waters muddied that way. I doubt very much any person whose relationship is basically fine is going to take notice of online advice to leave - they'd have to be very odd indeed. Most OPs take the advice they most want to hear - you see it, they respond only to the ones they agree with and ignore the rest (and that's as it should be, I guess, or as it can't help but be, what with confirmation bias).

Of course there's an element of entertainment to all internet message-boards. I don't think anyone can use them and not be aware of that. But at times people are genuinely moved by someone's story, and at times they want to share advice and experience to help people get out of bad situations they recognise or traps they themselves fell into. You also have to bear in mind not all OPs are on the up and up, so replying posters have to be careful of how emotionally engaged they get too.

I posted more of less in real time when my ex was having an affair. He told me straight away so there was no "following the clues" excitement but there was a lot of drama after the event and yes, I suppose it was a bit like reading a novel for those who followed my thread. Writing it all down definitely helped me and MN was a sounding board at a very isolating time.

When I read posters going through similar it does bring it back and I try to post helpful advice. If the OP disappears then I either presume they are sorting their real life out or they were a troll - I don't care much either way and as I have a terrible memory I rarely remember to come back for updates. I agree that the blast ant place marking and update searching on threads is prurient and frankly rude.

My mum is a gossip monger and for me there is nothing more unattractive. I always imagine the audience members on Jeremy Kyle, desperate for someone to get called out or start crying because it makes it "more exciting ". It's disgusting really.

Some people are just after entertainment but that's the same for all threads.
As someone who has been through the shock and devastation of an affair, I found the support and advice from those who had been there utterly invaluable on here.
So, yes. I do get involved on the affair threads. I want to give back into the community who really were there for me when I needed it. Hopefully, my experience can now be helpful to others

I always find myself reading the relationship threads. And commenting on them. And putting my own and half the time I wonder why I've done it. But I do get very annoyed at the LTB comments unless it as absolutely clear from the ops post.

I posted something a couple of months ago about my dh and problems with his son. Not huge problems and it wasn't on the relationship board. Lots of people game me useful and sound advice. I had one post saying 'LTB, it will never get better' absolutely ridiculous. Some people get a kick out of other people's bad fortune.

I've found that it doesn't matter what you post, there will always be someone to come and question what you say and make you feel s**t. There are posters that can make you contradict yourself without even realising you've done it.

Mumsnet is good for some things but absolutely terrible for others. Advice being one of them but it does show what a diverse range of people there are out there. What bothers some, doesn't others. What's a big deal to some, isnt to others. I find it quite fascinating.

The key is not to be gullible and believe all the advice you get is correct.

@Beanteam

They aren't clients. Clients would be people who pay for services. I don't charge anybody anything, I do it because I genuinely care and like to help.

I can empathise and at times when I can tell a poster wants to reconcile ...I'll post something positive and it goes from there. I've seen the after effects of I infidelity.... weight loss, hair loss, periods stopping, loss of self esteem....It's so much more than kick him/her out or bag up his stuff and dump it outside/change the locks etc..
I know there's a human being with feelings behind it and that they will be suffering from it all.

I've had it on other sites as well. People read my posts to others in a similar position and they PM me.

It's noticeable that the threads posted after the discovery of the affair get fewer responses

I'd say that's often because the OP has stopped posting.

@SandyY2K nice that you are able to give support from your own experiences.

I think for me I always want to see how they have hidden it so as you know what to watch out for iyswim.

I do think posters give some great advice, nothing I ever imagine people would know to tell you in real life and there is often lots of support for the op which I find heartwarming. It's nice to see people egging others on to be strong when something so awful is happening to them.

I know what you mean OP. Some posters seem to be like that.

However I think it isn't as clear cut as that. Most do want to genuinely advise even if they get a bit invested.

I have had some great second hand advice from here from just reading relationship threads and would never have caught my ex out if not for reading advice on other people's 'is he cheating' threads, so am grateful.

yy DBoo

Really thoughtful messages here. Thank you

I have always found Sandy's advice very helpful, measured and insightful. It has certainly helped me personally, as has AF's.

I agree, Sandy's posts are always thoughtful and considered.

I mean to say earlier, SantaClause if you think OP's post was rude, you should probably leave the house more often.

@GirlDownUnder

Your post doesn't really warrant a response, but from a person centred approach, you're best placed to understand what's going on in your mind to draw such conclusions.

@Dancingtothemusicoftime and @NotTheFordType
Thanks very much and I'm pleased you find my posts measured and helpful.

You can please some of the people all the time, but you can't please all of the people all the time.

I think many of the threads are bullshit anyway so it’s all irrelevant anyway.