Not speaking

[wild]

I just want an objective opinion. I have been living with dp since just before ds was born. It's his house, mine is let out. We have three floors the first two nice the bottom one was let out and is a bit of a shambles. No garden. DS is now approaching two and I am keen to move so that we have a little bit of outside space. DP is scared of change and very mean with money and I'd put the idea on back burner I have friends with gardens, then there's park etc, it didn't seem too bad. On Saturday he pointed out an absolutely fab house in the paper and said it seemed a good idea, I was gobsmacked and said I'd phone for an appointment, which he agreed to. He then went to pick up his 14 year old son who stays with us at weekends (he's here for a week now as its summer hols). His son called twice on his behalf on the way back, once to ask what we wanted from shop second time to say did we want to go to beach and I said we had this appointmetn at 3.30. To be fair I was a bit off hand cos ds was throwing a tantrum and would not go upstairs and I was weighed down with shopping myself (the boring stuff that he would not thiknt to buy like bleach). When dp got back ds and I wwere having lunch, he went absolutely mad, firstly taht I had shopped and nto told him ad he had bought fruit as well, then he said what was for lunch then and when I said what woudl you like he said dont worry I'll do it and started throwing things around the kitchen. He made lunch for son and him and said by the way cancel the appointment I've decided its not a good idea. I put ds down for rest and when he got up I just took him out to get away I gave dp the number and told him to cancle the appt himslef. I don't think he did though, we just didn't turn up (which I hate). Since then I have been sleeping downstairs and we are not speakign at all, DP is doing everything for his son (for the first time ever) but ds and I are pariahs, totally ignored and I don't know where its all going to end. I dont care about the house, of course I would like to live somewhere thats a family home but the most important thing to me is that everyone in the house is happy and there is equality and respect. Am I wrong to respond like this to his temper tantrum? I am normally a lot more conciliatory but this time I felt it was the last straw. I'm on the verge of giving my tenant ntoice and moving out.

haven't time to read the whole thread - but maybe write him a letter. Say you are not sure why or how you have got into this argument and how you ended up both being so childish, but you think you need to sit down as adults and talk calmly through what is going on.

His older son must feel very awkward - he might even think it is his fault - since he passed on the phone message.

wild - Hi! Thanks for your post. You do sound brave and willing to take the steps necessary to secure a good future for you and ds. Well done.

I'm amazed the way some men expect their wives/partners to pay nursery fees and things for the children out of the wives'/partners' wages, even though the dh/dp earns more. I think a 'proportionate to the wage' system is far fairer. The children belong to both dh/dp and dw/dp even when (not your case with your ds, I know) they are step-children imo. I'm glad you've e-mailed him. He might find it more difficult to write down "No - you pay it" than say it to you. Men!

Anyway......rant over! I'm glad the house is on a proper arrangement. It's always better. Now that your friend knows that you might need it at some point in the future, she'll be more prepared. She might not like the uncertainty and might look around for a new place. I know people who've done this with their jobs. It's not that different, I suppose.

I feel like I'm boring you, so I'll stop there! I will be away on hols for most of August, and I don't know how much internet access I'll be able to have. If it all goes quiet from me after this week, you'll know why. Thanks for your good wishes!

Wild - I have just read your post and I am so amazed at the time scale of how quickly your life has turned around. You must be reeling. Only last Saturday you were thinking about looking at a house together to improve your lfestyle and here you are not talking to each other, making massive financial changes that involve child care and looking about moving out. Either this has been brewing for ages and no one has been prepared to face up to the situation or it has blown up so quickly that maybe a little time out is needed to gather a bit of perspective.
If I were you, I would put an end to this worry and stalemate immediately and tonight. It involves children as well and for their sakes he needs to start acting responsibly and stop ignoring you and start talking about what he really wants. You have invested a lot into your relationship and deserve to know why he is treating you like he is, exactly what is upsetting him and whether he believes it is all over or could be resolved, how he views the immediate future and long term future in terms of the children?s care and security.
Whilst I can empathise and understand your frustration at being ignored and unwillingness to put yourself forward, much easier emotionally to just walk away and think about alternative accomodation, I think it is worth considering staying a little while longer and at least attempting to thrash out all the problems together. He is probably the last person you want to speak to right now as you must be mightily angry with him, but that is exactly why you need to talk. It will only get harder and harder to deal with the longer you leave it. Emotions won?t calm down, they will become more set in stone and more of a seemingly unsurmountable problem. I am not saying you should be trying to win him back - just that you should both let each other know what the real problems and issues are and then discuss together whether the relationship is worth continuing - if it is, what changes need to be made and if it isn?t then how you are going to deal with the practical issues such as money, accomodation and child care. He sounds quite immatiure so it could be left to you to be the calm and rational one for the sake of the children.
Whatever you do, think it through first, you can always give your tenant one months notice at a later date if necessary. Take care xxx

I also think you have to talk. He does sound extremely unreasonable, but you need to speak to him and tell him how bad you think it has got. After all there is a small child involved and you will need to speak to each other in the future whatever the outcome for your relationship. I suspect you are going to have to be the grown-up here and start talking face to face.

One other thing that puzzles me Wild - if you are working full time and you are dependent on your DH, what on earth is the point of working ft? You may as well give up your job and spend time with your DS and be dependent, as be working and not spending time with your DS and being dependent. If you point this out to him, it may make him realise that the last thing he wants is for you to give up work, so it may make him more reasonable about the nursery thing!

i agree with aloha -whatever you decide to do, as there are children involved, you will have to speak to him again at some point in the future, so it may as well be now. not for one minute suggesting you should sound apologetic - just that you have to break the deadlock

thanks you guys
I picked up the phone and at least the money thing is getting sorted
hope the rest will follow
will let you know later xxxx to all

wild - Good luck. I'll be thinking of you as I can appreciate how hard it will be.

Well normal service resumed and we even had a nice weekend with ds, cycling etc and I think dp has been making an effort in his way. However there are still all the issues underneath and I feel I'm acting a part. Last night I tried to explain how I feel unequal in the relationship, living in his house with everything on his terms and to discuss how we might either even things up or part and 'officially' lead separate lives with least impact on ds. He went crazy and said I was so f'nig negative, I'm a mental case and if I walk out of the house he will never see ds again and I'll have to take him to court for maintenace, he's not helping me in any way. He also says he doesn't trust anyone at all which I think is true and very sad. He won't marry or own a joint house cos if we split up I will take half, apparently (even tho when I left my first marriage I chose to take nothing from ex). I definitely want ds to have a happy family, but is a happy family charade good enough, and am I good enough at it and selfless enough to do this for the duration? I really love dp and I am sad for what could have been, and I am sad for my son if he is abandoned by his father. I just don't think I can do this any more. Dp had a sleepless night and I have really got to him so I feel almost sorry for starting all this but on the other hand it is there, it has to be faced.

Hi Wild, I really feel for your you in your situation. I have a friend who went through exactly the same thing. She was with her (now) xp for about seven years and had a little girl with him. He was exactly the same way as your p, doesn't trust anyone, refused to marry and when they were talking about buying a house he insisted that if they did he would not have a joint mortgage and he would be the sole owner. Before she started childminding she got only £200 a month from him for food and verything else (clothes etc) and from the sounds of it he was incredibly selfish. Her feelings about the situation went from being resigned to it all to wanting to get out straight away. She constantly thought about how her daughter would react and it tore her up. She finally took the plunge and moved closer to her family and she has never been happier. I don't think you should accept what he is putting you through but only you know where you want to put the boundaries and what is acceptable for you. Don't feel sorry for him having a sleepless night - that's his guilty conscience! All his idle threats sound to me also that he is a little paranoid that you will leave and he doesn't want you to.

Thanks ripley. It is good to hear your friend is now happy. I'm sure we can be too, but it knocks your confidence being called a basket case! Like her, I have considered moving closer to the family, and given his vindictive attitude towards ds this is looking like a real possibility. Guess I fell for the old chestnut that he'd change, given the love of a good woman ..

Maybe it might be what he needs - to see you just up and leave. It might make him reconsider things. You can't put up with things the way the are and there is nothing you can do to change this man. He has to do that himself and you never know, he might just do that if he realises what he could lose. Be strong!

Wild, if your DP abandons his son if you split up, that is his responsibility, not yours.

Has your DP considered counselling about his lack of trust? You can't have a relationship without trusting someone. And I think you already know that you can't face years of being with someone who is only half there for you.

Wild, I'm so sorry to hear how your dp is treating you. I sympathise as an xp of mine was a controlling, commitment-phobe too. It took me a while but I eventually realised that nothing I could say or do would make him change into the partner I wanted him to be. I could, however, decide how I wanted to live my life. I didn't want to spend years and years being treated like a parasite or mantrap so I chose to leave. It wasn't easy at the time but it was the right thing to do.

Your son is learning how to a man, partner and father from watching your dp. Unless you make it clear to your son now and in future that his dad's behaviour is unacceptable, your ds will be treating you like this in a few years too.

Thanks everyone for your support. He called at about 5.30 spoke like nothing had happened would be back between 9 and 9.30 for dinner. Nothing by 10.15 and mobile switched off . Finally got hold of him and said I needed to go out for pint of milk as used up in dinner. He came back in towering rage and now has gone out again. Dinner uneaten in oven. I can't live this way, its true. Now I have opened up these issues it seems I've unleashed a monster. There is no hope he will go for counselling. I had hoped we could behave like adults but I am living with an incapacitating knot of fear in my stomach. I have somehow to get through til I can get away. Why do people treat each other this way? Why was I SO blind as to end up like this? Simply don't know what is coming next but nothing good. When there is no hope left its time to move on and I hope I can do it. Thanks for listening.

wild. so sorry that you are going through this. I do think that you need to make contigency plans to leave, and would even go so far as to say to keep an "emergency bag" packed ready in case you have to leave in a hurry. Do any RL friends or family know the position?

Could you maybe go to relate or somewhere for yourself? As mentioned somewhere else it could help you make a clean break a bit easier. Or start making those steps to possible move out, so you can feel like you're doing something positive. Perhaps if he sees you are serious about not wanting to live the way you are it might give him a jolt?

Yes, I have a good friend nearby but she is going through some probs of her own. Family think I should put up and have tended to reinforce that its me being difficult. They don't want to deal with any unpleasantness. I may take your advice as just being here not knowing where he is and what is going on is scary enough. Just realise I hve misread your name in the past as MummytoSEVEN! and been thinking I am challenged with just one. Looks like it will stay that way for the time being too .. ! Ds issuch a delight I am so luckky there - generous and thoughtful to other children and very happy. He must have got good genes somehow, some throwback cheerful ancestor maybe. Must go, door

hope you are OK, wild. i am off to bed now, but will be around tomorrow morning. take care

x

Thanks M-2-S. Beery footsteps gone upstairs, Bed for me too xxd

After getting all the stuff about trust etc out in the open I really thought things might get better. He started to be more considerate and I felt like he needed me to be there for him. However tonight he had to work late and eventually got in at midnight. Has taken to switching mobile off at 5.30. Asked where he had been since getting back and though he WAS late at work I believe that, he doesn't work standard hours and is covering for someone's hols, there is time unaccounted for he won't explain. He tells me if I am so bothered about trust I should trust him. I don't suspect him of an affair, prob just in pub, but I think it is unreasonable not to say where he has been. He seems to get pleasure out of it. Last night he wanted me to come to his family (dysfunctional) with him on Sunday, like it is a real help to have me there, and talking about holiday plans etc but now the last thing I feel like doing is pretending we're this solid couple when we evidnetly are not. If I let this go what will be next? I can't sleep and I can't think clearly. He says trust takes time and I need to give it time. But I think it is unreasonable and disrespectful to behave this way and it takes away any inclination I was beginning to have to try and heal things. He seems very pleased with himself and we are not rowing, but he won't give an inch on this one. Is it fair to be uncontactable and not explain? I don't think so. i would so like to believe we have a future and I'm so tired and wrung out I don't feel at all strong. It is a real crossroads. I can't have this happening years down the line with even more love and time gone to waste on a committed batchelor.

Wild - hope you are ok -

gothicmama, you are awake too! I was thinking it was just me and this big house spider I just found running round the kitchen. I really don't know anymore what I am. I just can't say what to do. I am confused and tired and heartbroken really. I have made so many bad choices in life I can't trust my own judgement, I think that's why this site is so helpful cos you hear what people really think and how people's lives really are.

Yes Iam awake - I like teh site to it has me make sense of some things and helped me in other ways. I t is horrible to feel uncertain but you should trust yourself

I am torn between staying and going and I can't being in this limbo of indecision, I just want to jump. On the other hand its a huge decision in particular on behalf of ds so I am afraid to do the wrong thing. I know I am not thinking clearly. Dp will not discuss things openly either we row or he won't talk at. I want to have a good loving family with him and in some ways he's made progress towards this in the relationship but when he does something like tonight it sets it all back and I do not think I have the energy to persevere. He has a very fragmented, distant family himself and not a very happy relationship history either. I worry the damage this has done may be irreversible.