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Original poster

To choose grandson over partner?

57 replies

Hertscalling · 10/03/2018 16:46

NC for this and wasn’t sure where to post this but here goes ...I recently became a grandparent for the first and probably only time, we live over 2 hours drive from our son, dil and grandson. I would like to move closer, my son and dil would like us to move closer, they are really struggling with no support and never getting a break. I still work full time but try to visit every 3-4 weeks staying in a hotel overnight.

My DP doesn’t want to move, although he hates his job and is just biding time until he can retire in 10 years he feels overwhelmed by the idea of moving and starting again, we have been in our current house 20 years and spent a lot of time and money getting it how we want it and he thinks moving would be a backward step rather than progressing to something better (unless we extend our mortgage to buy better which I didn’t want to do as we have almost paid it off).

We have been together 25 years and this is really affecting our relationship, I am worried if we don’t move I will end up resenting him and the relationship will be over anyway, but then I wouldn’t want my son to feel guilty for the breakdown of his parents seemingly solid relationship!

Any wise advice out there mumsnet?

OP posts:
meme70 · 10/03/2018 16:58

My daughter had 3 children in 26 months she was 19 when she had the eldest and lived 120 miles away I’d go 3-4 times a year as I have other children at home.
She has an awful ex and I moved her here costing thousands and all my time.
I had asked my husband can we mive there he wouldn’t and you why should he.

In the end she moved her I ended up doing everything for her and she was here just 5 monyhs and meet someone and moved 160 miles away with them telling me 19 days before she moved

Don’t give your life up for your children
They had children it is there responsibility and they tbh you have a life here so you shouldn’t expect your partner to uproot his life for you.

If you saying of DP won’t muve it will probably be over anyway it’s obvious your emotionally going to blackmail him or you don’t love him

You should be having your own life doing things together having fun as before we know it we are old and can’t do much.

Your son is a big boy and believe me if you moved here you’d have no life you’d be an in call babysitter !

Maybe you miss having children around you if this is so you could advertise yourself as a babysitter ?

Personally from experience stepping in too much won’t gwt you appreciation and it’s not just your job to visit why are you paying for hotels they should be looking after you in they’re house anyone can buy a guest bed

Isetan · 10/03/2018 17:01

Really struggling, hmm. Neither of you are wrong for wanting what you want but I can imagine not wanting to uproot myself to become unpaid childcare. What’s stopping them moving closer to you? If they want a support network they can’t expect it to come to them.

Rainboho · 10/03/2018 17:04

I have to say I agree with your partner.

Your DS has chosen to live where he is and to not stay close to family. Where is the family support on your DIL side?

Moving would be a mistake IMHO.

RandomMess · 10/03/2018 17:06

I'm surprised when you go you stay in a hotel? Doesn't sound like you are that appreciated? What is your son & DIL have to move for work?

GreenSeededGrape · 10/03/2018 17:13

My IL stay in a hotel when they visit. We live in a 2 bed house with 2 dc. Not everyone has spare rooms or can squish in anymore for all you saying why are you staying in a hotel Hmm

Notonthestairs · 10/03/2018 17:17

What happens if they move again?

I understand your desire to be close and think it's lovely that you want to be on hand. But it agree that it does seem unfair to force a move on your DH when you've spent 20 years building a life locally.

On the other hand I wonder how happy you are in your relationship if you'd prioritise living near your grandchild rather than living with your husband.

You can be a good and loving grandparent and not do childcare. My children adored my mum and loved spending time with her - staying over - regardless of how far away she lived.

Don't rush in to anything is probably the best advice I can give you I suppose.

Kintan · 10/03/2018 17:18

What happens when they have to move again in the future and you’ve given up your current life and your relationship? It would be a big mistake I think - I agree with your partner.

NinjagoNinja · 10/03/2018 17:22

I wouldn't want my parents to move to live closer to me. They are wonderful grandparents but I respect that they have their life, hobbies and friends and that's important to me. Of course I'd love the help but it at the expense of their relationship and general wellbeing. I wouldn't want the responsibility of them starting over in a new place of my choosing not theirs.

When you eventually retire you'll be able to go more often.

RidingWindhorses · 10/03/2018 17:34

If you're working FT I don't see how you can provide childcare. That aside my lovely granny moved to be near us when my mum had kids and I'm so glad she did as she died when I was quite young, and without that I would have seen her and known her much less.

I think you're right that if you don't do it you will resent DP and that will end the relationship. Men get very set in their ways as they get older and I think women are are more open to change and new things. I think it's good to move when you're still working and there's plenty of opportunity to make new friends.

If you split you'd presumably have to sell the house anyway.

There's a chance that if you decide moving is what you want that DP will come along anyway.

It's your life - you're not getting any younger - you need to do what you really want to do.

meme70 · 10/03/2018 17:34

I’d give up my bed for my mum when she cane to stay no excuse they bother to visit how lonely is that staying in a hotel and the cost

Yes I agree your son may say yes we’d love you here prob thinking yiuwint as partner but in reality if he missed you that much he’d move closer and as said what happens if you leave your partner they split the wife take athe child miles away ? All things can happen honestly don’t uproot lives for onky yiur needs

meme70 · 10/03/2018 17:37

RidingWindhorses That’s awful black mailing your partner if you don’t uproot your life and do as I say I’m leaving if my husband said that I’d say bye bye

You can’t emotionalky blackmail people it’s childish
If someone leaves a partner if they can’t get they’re own way they don’t love them .

NerrSnerr · 10/03/2018 17:37

I agree with PP, what happens if they move again? My inlaws wanted to move closer when our eldest was born and I’m glad they didn’t as we’d be under huge pressure never to move again.

lubeybooby · 10/03/2018 17:38

if my DD ever has a baby I would want to be near her and my DP would understand.

It's worth him leaving his comfort zone over surely? The upheaval is over quickly and you soon find your new normal.

meme70 · 10/03/2018 17:41

Why should anyone do what someone tells them it’s controlling.

I’d hate my in laws living near me lol

Original poster
Hertscalling · 10/03/2018 17:47

My son moved away to work in an industry based in that area, they have just managed to buy a tiny flat just on his earnings, they offered me th3 sofa in the lounge but I preferred the idea of an hotel.

I want to move so I can have a natural relationship with my grandson, rather than having to plan every trip I would love to be near so they can just pop in for a coffee or I can look after him for a couple of hours while they go shopping.

I feel DP and I have a pretty good relationship, we have lasted this long, we usually manage to agree and compromise on things but I just feel I am going to miss out on so much of my grandson growing up.

OP posts:
NewImprovedNinja · 10/03/2018 17:55

I think YABU. We moved to another country AFTER DGS was born. Must admit, I don't feel the need to be available for free childcare as I have my own life and looked forward to this next stage in our lives. I'm sure your children will manage, if they have to.

Notonthestairs · 10/03/2018 17:58

There really isn't a compromise here though is there? It's either your desire or his.

And you haven't answered the question of what you'll do if they move in a few years time. We moved for schools and we might again for secondary (we need a SN School suited to one of our children). They may not stop where they are.

It sounds like very early days.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 10/03/2018 18:00

My ds +dil had dgs young and unplanned. As they were struggling I offered to have him 2 nights a week. I became nothing more than free childcare. They split up and it became more often to enable them to work full time. Ds was appreciative and brought nappies etc but dil sent him with absolutely nothing. When I didn't even get a Christmas card from her I ended the situation. I see dgs on a Sunday with ds. Don't alter your own life /living for them. You may live to regret it - and lose your own relationship in the process

babba2014 · 10/03/2018 18:06

This is such a difficult one OP.
I moved away from my parents and now can't afford to move back. My dad would move in a heartbeat but they have other commitments there.
If I think realistically then they are better off staying where they are.
Your son moved for his job, he could move again, and you'd be stuck there.
I know how you feel. I go to stay at my parents a few weeks at a time and my kids have a great relationship with them but we really all miss that lets pop in life.
I can't help with your decision but I totally get how you feel although moving seems huge you have to think of what ifs.

misscph1973 · 10/03/2018 18:07

Congratulations!

How old is your grandson? I'm sure you remember how overwhelming it was to become a parent. It won't be long before they have more of a routine.

My DM lives in another country. My DC have a very close relationship with her even though they only see her twice a year.

I would be very careful. If you do move, there has to be more reasons that helping out with childcare, it's not enough.

Can you take time off and stay with them more often? Maybe you could find a room on airbnb or similar to keep costs down?

Cricrichan · 10/03/2018 18:16

They have one child, I'm sure they can easily manage! Take it in turns to go out, get a babysitter etc.

Uprooting you, your partner, your house and two jobs is a bloody big ask! What happens if your son moves again? How easily are you both going to be able to find new jobs etc? Two hours isn't so bad. Think about having him to stay during holidays etc.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 18:25

There's no way I'd move and jack in my job 10 years from retirement to enable free childcare for my grandkids. It can be very hard to get another job that close to retirement, and I don't blame him for not wanting to uproot everything and start over when your son and DIL can move at a moment's notice. NFW.

They are already getting a break when you go over there every few weeks. They need to grow up.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 18:28

And if you were willing to end our 25 year relationship to babysit a grandchild and expected us to completely uproot our lives and in peril my pension just 10 years before retirement I'd tell you not to let the door hit you on the way out.

BrownTurkey · 10/03/2018 18:29

And this is your grandsons grandfather you are talking about, as I understand it, not just your partner. Status quo wins when you disagree on moving.

JoJoSM2 · 10/03/2018 18:33

How about going part-time so that you can visit on a weekly/fortnightly basis?

Also, are you sure your son and his family would want you there somewhere often? Is one thing feeling overwhelmed or stretched but having your MIL hanging about a lot is quite anther.