Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To choose grandson over partner?

57 replies

Hertscalling · 10/03/2018 16:46

NC for this and wasn’t sure where to post this but here goes ...I recently became a grandparent for the first and probably only time, we live over 2 hours drive from our son, dil and grandson. I would like to move closer, my son and dil would like us to move closer, they are really struggling with no support and never getting a break. I still work full time but try to visit every 3-4 weeks staying in a hotel overnight.

My DP doesn’t want to move, although he hates his job and is just biding time until he can retire in 10 years he feels overwhelmed by the idea of moving and starting again, we have been in our current house 20 years and spent a lot of time and money getting it how we want it and he thinks moving would be a backward step rather than progressing to something better (unless we extend our mortgage to buy better which I didn’t want to do as we have almost paid it off).

We have been together 25 years and this is really affecting our relationship, I am worried if we don’t move I will end up resenting him and the relationship will be over anyway, but then I wouldn’t want my son to feel guilty for the breakdown of his parents seemingly solid relationship!

Any wise advice out there mumsnet?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hertscalling · 10/03/2018 18:34

Oh god, am I being a bit over enthusiastic at becoming a granny? He is 5 months old now and it’s so different to being a parent, just love and cuddles without the responsibility!
I know my son and his wife have no plans to move but obviously that could change in the future, and I am happy to babysit so they can go out together occasionally as I do remember the strain having a young baby puts on any couple. I am asking a lot but my partner is unhappy in his job anyway so I thought it would be a good time to make some changes, but I guess I am wrong 😠

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 10/03/2018 18:38

Babies grow quickly, too,quickly. Before you can blink they won’t need you. Will you then be alone? Look after your DP who,has done his best to build a home which is a pleasure for you both. As you get older energy depletes and inclination to start all over again rapidly declines
Perhaps you are being carried away with the thought of your grandchild and not thinking logically.

Isetan · 10/03/2018 18:39

It’s very early days and they will have to find their feet, which means they will have to build their own network. I understand the pull, I really do but they won’t learn to cope if they becomes dependent on your constant availability.

You might be ‘needed’ now but what happens when your DIL does find her feet and you’re not as needed as much? Moving just to support them could change the dynamics of your relationship in negative and positive ways.

Posters have raised the very valid question of their future plans, upooting yourselves from a place that you’ve called home for twenty odd years for a possible short term solution isn't wise.

I definitely get the vibe that you think your desire to move is more valid and therefore trumps your DP’s desire to stay. Your partner could just as equally, become resentful of you and your son if he feels pressured to move. This is a big ask and if I was your DP I wouldn’t care for your dismissiveness.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 18:43

You're visiting every month and staying in a hotel overnight to babysit is more than enough for them to get a break every now and again. Your partner may not like his job but this close to retirement, he might be making the most financially wise decision to remain there. Making such a change might not be a big deal to you but to him it obviously is. TBH, I'm only 47 and I wouldn't want to pick up and move over 2 hours away.

TheMShip · 10/03/2018 18:46

If they're struggling now, can you afford to pay for some help? Say you'll fund a cleaner for a year, or a babysitter once a month?

Notonthestairs · 10/03/2018 18:47

Nothing wrong with a bit of enthusiasm Op!

But really I'd park moving house for a little while. And maybe as your grandson gets bigger you might find Grandad is wanting to move closer too (sorry I KNOW I am being sexist and making generalisations but my dad definitely has engaged more with his grandchildren as they've got older).

In the meantime keep visiting and encouraging them to visit whenever they can.

Pointlessfacts · 10/03/2018 18:50

Don't move!!

Your son only moved for his job, If he really wanted help & for you to have a great relationship with your grandson then he'd simply move closer to you.

A week before I gave birth I moved up the road from my DM, I then had to move again but still stayed within a mile of her.

Please understand, you will be asked to babysit a LOT!

I'm a single mum, my ex isn't in my DS life at all. I have no help but my DM & DSis, my DM has my DS at least 1 night a week & say a couple of hours a time at least 2-3 days a week.

I'd be lost without her!!

Okaynowimconfused · 10/03/2018 18:57

Do you not sleep at their home OP?

I don't think you should move but if you pop down and sleep at theirs for a couple of nights maybe offer to babysit one night so they can have a nice evening just them two. That could be a nice arrangement.

I'm sure as your DGC grows he will spend summer weekends etc. at granny's home should you all wish.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/03/2018 19:07

I feel your pain! The problem is that finding a job so near to retirement is so difficult. Finding new friends as you get older becomes really hard, too, so you could end up too dependent on your son and his wife.

Regarding the hotel - I bloody love hotels and would rather stay in one rather than stay with my kids, unless they had an awful lot of space. It's too easy to become an unwanted guest if you're there all the time.

meme70 · 10/03/2018 19:27

But she will be unwanted if she moves there with only them if she leaves her partner

ADarkandStormyKnight · 10/03/2018 19:31

Does your Daughter-in-law work? Maybe you could ask for a reduction in hours for a trial basis so that you can look after the baby one or two days a week for a six month trial period - enough to help them get on track but not a permanent arrangement. Sleep on the sofa if the hotel is prohibitive. See how it goes.

In a few short years you can have your grandson to stay for weekends/ holidays and.

loveyoutothemoon · 10/03/2018 19:32

I'd stay where you are. I wouldn't do what you're thinking of doing if I was happy as I was. And by the sounds of it, it would only be for childcare!

Every 3-4 weeks is a lot! Some people don't see their families for months at a time.

And why would you resent your DP. You don't sound like you like him very much?

tootiredtospeak · 10/03/2018 19:34

If you have nearly paid your mortgage off. What about remortgaging buying a holiday/second home there where you could spend every weekend.?

windchimesabotage · 10/03/2018 19:39

I actually agree with you OP and would feel the same. Its not 'giving up your life for your children' to actually want to be involved in family life.
I mean what life would you actually be giving up if your partner hates his job anyway?
Id be pretty annoyed because its seems its because he does not want short term stress even for long term gain.
Moving house would be stressful for a few months but in the long run being within easy distance of your grandchild will yield lots of joy for you.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/03/2018 19:49

Remortgaging when you only have ten years of work left and your partner hates his job is a really bad idea!

Skittlesandbeer · 10/03/2018 19:50

While the child is at newborn and pre preschool age, it can seem very intense and overwhelming. Good on you for wanting to help out- and then doing it.

Remember though, by the time you make your decision, seperate your assets from your partner’s, find a house near them and set up your new life- the ‘high dependency’ years will be over. You’ll have given up a lot to just pick him up from a couple of after school activities, and host the occasional catchup at your place.

I’d be careful about giving up everything else in your life for this.

Original poster
Hertscalling · 10/03/2018 19:51

windchimesabotage you understand I think, we will move from here at some point, the house it too big for our needs now, we could wait 10 years but I feel we would have missed out on so much. I am close to my son and dil, her Mum died and she hasn’t seen her Dad since she was young so I guess we have a better relationship than we might if she had her Mum around, she also values family due to this loss and wants the baby to be close to us. I guess it would be wise to wait a year or two and see how things work out.

OP posts:
meme70 · 10/03/2018 19:53

Thing is people who say that she is doing the right thing so she can be involved a lot has anyone thought that her son and DIL really want her involved lots ?
If they missed her lots they’d move closer

Original poster
Hertscalling · 10/03/2018 19:57

They are unlikely to move here, there are no opportunities for the job he does within reasonable travelling distance, which is fine, actually unless you are a hairdresser or coffee shop owner there isn’t a lot of work here 😂

OP posts:
LML83 · 10/03/2018 19:59

You sound lovely. I understand the feeling of wanting to see baby often I was the same when my nephew was born and it's lovely having my sister nearby and seeing him lots.

But now he is at school and after school clubs, I do see him but not as much as before and it does involve planning.

I also have godsons 2 hours away we visit twice a year and it's like we seen them last week we are still close and our kids think of them as cousins.

I wouldn't move, grandson can come to you for visits when a bit older and you will still have a great relationship with him.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 20:48

Remortgaging when you're so close to retirement age, or reducing your hours/etc is a very poor financial decision. Play the long game here. Your partner hates his job but it would be utter folly to just quit it at his age unless you win the lottery or he gets another job.

Notonthestairs · 10/03/2018 20:58

Sorry, I know I am harping on but we do all understand why you want to be there now - but don't ignore (especially if they are at the stage of building their careers) that there maybe be other house/location moves in the future. Would you expect them to stay put? Would they feel obliged to stay for you (especially if your husband wouldn't move with you).

I have a friend whose IL's moved county to be nearby - it's been a big success but the parents were in their 30's when the move happened and were able to commit to the GP's that it was their last move. As I say it's be brilliant for all concerned but 10 years earlier the GP's would have had to trail round south east England to stay close enough to have a drop in for a coffee relationship.

Gide · 10/03/2018 21:16

Cautionary tale here. My pil did this, moved totally away from their home of many years to help with childcare when the dgc were born. Before the youngest got to secondary school, they got bored of going round to the grandparents and eventually refused to go. My mil (fil died almost 10 years ago) was left alone, no local mates. The neighbours were never friendly.

Think long and hard before you make a move.

RidingWindhorses · 10/03/2018 21:27

Unless your partner is planning to spend another 10 years in a job he hates, he has nothing to lose by seeing what's available near your son.

Personally I think this move would be more sensible now if possible, than in 10 years by which time ds will be 10 and more busy, eventually going off to secondary.

If you want a close relationship with your GCs that means building bonds with them from early childhood.

Samewitches · 10/03/2018 21:28

No! Don't move. They have one very new dc, you are only 2h away (it's not like it's a 6h drive), you have a home large enough to accommodate them for a weekend and can clearly afford to stay in a hotel when you visit them. If you are seriously considering leaving your dh of 25 years are you happy in your relationship anyway? They'll get used to being parents, the kid and potentially kids will grow up and go to school, they could move again etc etc. You have your life and they have theirs, a 2h drive is nothing once the dc is old enough to spend the night.