To choose grandson over partner?

[Hertscalling]

NC for this and wasn’t sure where to post this but here goes ...I recently became a grandparent for the first and probably only time, we live over 2 hours drive from our son, dil and grandson. I would like to move closer, my son and dil would like us to move closer, they are really struggling with no support and never getting a break. I still work full time but try to visit every 3-4 weeks staying in a hotel overnight.

My DP doesn’t want to move, although he hates his job and is just biding time until he can retire in 10 years he feels overwhelmed by the idea of moving and starting again, we have been in our current house 20 years and spent a lot of time and money getting it how we want it and he thinks moving would be a backward step rather than progressing to something better (unless we extend our mortgage to buy better which I didn’t want to do as we have almost paid it off).

We have been together 25 years and this is really affecting our relationship, I am worried if we don’t move I will end up resenting him and the relationship will be over anyway, but then I wouldn’t want my son to feel guilty for the breakdown of his parents seemingly solid relationship!

Any wise advice out there mumsnet?

The OP will do what she wants to do. Telling her not to do it if that's what she really wants is pointless.

I told my parents not to buy a house in Italy aged 65 as it was madness, but they did it anyway and loved it. It was my mum who really wanted it, my dad went along with it and ended up really enjoying it.

As you get older you need to follow your dreams because you've got less and less time to do so. You can't always live by other peoples' wishes, it just leads to frustration.

This idea crossed my mum's mind as her plan for retirement, she was an excited granny. I felt sick with the idea of the responsibility for my parents I would felt if they had done it. Especially as prior to starting school, we had fantastic childcare in place. Now they're at school it's all a bit Mish mash. Not that I wouldn't have loved being able to leave my kids with people who love them like I do (and I occasionally envy people whose parents are local and helpful, covering sick days etc). Parents would have gone from a town where they know people, and have roots to knowing me and DH. I would have felt guilty if I didn't see them every weekend. As it is I visit often and stay with the kids and the kids have just started to stay a few nights in the holidays with me driving them down, coming home to work for a few days, driving back down and staying a night then home the next day. Kids love this and have a good relationship.
I didn't actually say the idea made me stressed - I think once my dad realised it wasn't me driving the idea, he gently talked her out of it. He was already retired so probably had a better idea what it is like!

I can sympathise with your desire as I am a grandmother and of course agree that all young couples need some time to themselves. However I am another person who does not think this is a good idea.

Do you not have friends and activities where you live? Because if you were to move there, especially if you separate, you will be alone in a strange place with all your enjoyment of life depending on this young couple, who already have the responsability for the wellbeing of their child.

Grandson will be little for a short while. There is only a few years until he is st nursery, when you won’t be needed so much , and then school. Once at school he can stay with you in the hols.
So I wouldn’t move for those few years when you are needed instead try to find a way of visiting regularly with or without DP.
Other point is that DP sounds very stick in the mud - spending 10 unhappy years in a job he dislikes,waiting to retire! It sounds like he’s the one that needs to make some changes!

Thanks for all the advice guys, it has been helpful, I really don’t want my son to feel responsible for seeing us and making us happy if we move, I will calm down and see what happens naturally over time.

Hi not

Not really sure we’re to start I’m heart broken and don’t no what to do so hear goes my son is a addict he is 22 he has a nearly 4 year old who I practically co parent with his mum about 3-4 nights a week he stays he always wants to come to stay however my son is getting released from prison and has asked for help and to come home to try and stay on the straight I said yes with long hard thoughts about it I have said I’m willing to help not the first time and believe me it’s been hard over the years he is my first born I was only 16 when I had him and it breaks me inside to how he has become so now my grandsons mum has said she wants no contact between him and his son I have alsway been supervised with them and obviously if I thought my son was under the influence he would not be any we’re near him ever but just as I have said for him to come home she has now said this I totally understand were she is coming from but what do I do now I have to choose !!!I also have 2 girls and another grandson who is also my world they all come before anything I’m so upset and don’t no what to do if I let my son home and help him I lose my grandson please be kind