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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex, seeing someone new!

55 replies

Emboo19 · 10/03/2018 13:01

Couldn’t think of a title, without it becoming long and complicated.

But been split up around 7/8 months, he cheated I ended things. Been a bit up and down with how we’ve got on, sorting contact with dd and all that. He’s wanted us to try again and other than a few wobbles I’ve been pretty adamant that I don’t.

Yesterday he collected dd and told me he’s seeing someone new, early days and he won’t be introducing to dd or anything but he wanted to tell me so I don’t hear from anyone else, we have a few mutual friends.

Thing is I’ve been wanting this for him, so he’d move on and we could get on with just being friends and I’m seeing someone else myself.
But since he told me I can’t help but think I’ve made a huge mistake and we should have tried again. I even searched her name on fb to see what she looks like and I’m really not one of those kind of people. (She’s very attractive though)
I’ve tried convincing myself I’m worried for dd and that he’ll lose interest in her, but honestly I think I’m a bit jealous that he’s actually moving on.
But what’s that about? Is it just a normal initial reaction or does it mean I really have made a mistake in ending things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 10/03/2018 13:02

Although I think it pretty much sorts my feelings for my new guy, as I wouldn’t be so bothered by my ex if he was right for me. Would I?

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 10/03/2018 13:17

He's your ex for a reason ...just remember what he did to you x

Loyaultemelie · 10/03/2018 13:32

Oh Emboo it's just a knee jerk reaction. He has done nothing but mess you around and string you along using your dd as a way to get you worked up. Being friends and getting along is one thing but being back with him would be another kettle of fish.
As for the feelings about the new guy only you can work that one out but it doesn't have to be as a reaction to ex seeing someone just take time and be kind to yourself Thanks

offside · 10/03/2018 13:32

I remember your previous thread OP and you’re such a strong young woman.

I can see why you’re probably feeling like this. Maybe it’s because he is no longer trying to win you back, even if you didn’t want it, but now he has someone new in his life, some of his attention is being taken away from you whereas before you still a hold on him, even though you didn’t want it.

Not sure if I’m making sense but I can understand why you’re feeling the way you are. It’ll soon just be normal and it won’t matter. It’s just another step in the breakdown of your relationship so it’s understandable.

TheNaze73 · 10/03/2018 13:44

I think you take this as a positive. You’ve binned off a cheat, he’s no longer pursuing you & messing with your mind. Hopefully, him moving on will be the catalyst for you to do the same

meme70 · 10/03/2018 14:36

He has problems if he has to cheat
Going back you will go through it again as your allowing it by taking him back

Maybe block her and him on Facebook so your mentally free

Stay on track where you are you split for a reason and you will confuse your child if you get back together

Original poster
Emboo19 · 10/03/2018 16:03

It’s really stupid and selfish seen as I’m seeing someone else. But I feel like how can he have replaced me so soon, when he kept saying how sorry he was and what a mistake he’d made.
Plus she’s got a child and our problems only started when we had dd and he never wanted to be a father. So I feel like he must really like her to be willing to be seeing someone with a child. And I can’t get out of my head them meeting up with both dc and being a happy little family. Which I know is just me being stupid, but he’s alreay met her dc and it’s only been about 6 weeks. He says accidentally and he definitely won’t introduce dd to her, but for how long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 10/03/2018 16:06

I’m not friends with her on fb meme I just searched her name to be nosey and see if I knew her or not.

It’s horrible I hate being a separated parent so much and I hate that dd won’t have that happy little family unit with siblings.

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 10/03/2018 16:11

You have zero say in when/if he introduces his dd to his new gf. I agree later is best but you can’t stop him unfortunately.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable and unfair, he tried to get you back, you said no, he moved on. As you have already!

It’s human nature to feeek possessive and jealous in situations like this, you just have to acknowledge the feelings but stop ruminating on them and ride them out, they’ll pass eventually.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 10/03/2018 16:19

I’m not sure I can be classed as being unreasonable or unfair Psychedelic. I haven’t said anything to him, other than I’m happy for him and I trust he’ll do what’s best for dd in regards to meeting her.

Of course in my head that’s not what I’m saying or thinking. But that’s my issue and my problem!

OP posts:
Justdontknow4321 · 10/03/2018 16:22

what we’re you expecting ? That he pined after you for years... he was bound to move on and meet someone else and tbh if he cheated on you he didn’t actually care that much anyway so it was always going to be sooner rather then later, and to be honest you have already moved on anyway!

Focus on the fact your rid of a cheat and just focus on your new relationship and dd

meme70 · 10/03/2018 16:28

Justdontknow4321 Do you know how to be polite to anyone ? You don’t have to be so nasty

Original poster
Emboo19 · 10/03/2018 16:30

I think that’s what’s thrown me Justdont I was expecting him to move on quickly, well I was expecting a string of new girlfriends to be honest. But even when he’s been really trying to get at me he hasn’t mentioned anyone else.
I think that’s what’s making me think that he really likes her and that’s making me feel lots of things I wasn’t expecting to feel.

OP posts:
Justdontknow4321 · 10/03/2018 17:10

Meme - what is in my post that’s so nasty? Get a grip. It’s just the truth. He cheated, He wanted the op back, she said no (and I don’t blame her) she’s moved on, and now he has.

Emboo - he may still have loads of gfs, he’s only been seeing her 6 weeks and may not of wanted to rub it in your face ? So kept quiet.. your bound to have loads of emotions as you have a dd together but remember you got rid of him for a good reason!

fannycraddock72 · 10/03/2018 17:11

He’s a cheat, all cheats display selfish, narcissistic traits. He needs attention (cake/supply) to feed his ego. You dumped him and moved on, no contact would be the best solution but you have a DD and there will always be some level of interaction between you.

In my experience all cheats manage to move on so quickly, because they are insecure and need other people to make them feel good. I fully empathise with what you are saying because my ex was the same.

Just remember what he did and what he was/is capable of and that you are SO much better off without him.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/03/2018 17:44

You were together a long time (and from when you were very young IIRC) and have a child and the relationship will take time to get over. This is another stage, and no, it doesn't mean your new relationship is doomed. Also given his previous efforts I suspect he's worked out this will push your buttons. Telling you about her doesn't mean they've got a future. You know he was reluctant to be a father so I can't imagine he's going to be taking on someone else's child.

TheVanguardSix · 10/03/2018 18:01

I had the same exact feelings as you, OP when my ex moved on. This is years and years ago now but I remember it so very well. I can't even remember her name now (it didn't work out but they were together for 3 years) but oh boy, did I FB stalk the poor woman when I heard her name.
I think it's just a mix of the final nail in the coffin/ reverse psychology (it's not what you really desire but your head is making you think that he's all that you want. It will pass, believe me!). I think too it's a 'reaction' to the reality that, when said and done, it is over. It really is.

It's a bereavement of a sort. And this phase will wash over you, a last wave of the grief you've probably not really acknowledged over the past few months (years possibly?). It's the end of the breakdown of your relationship. Isn't that a great thing? You and your ex are emerging from 'broken' to 'done'. That's good. It's really good. Now starts the real, long overdue healing. The moving on. The only way is up, OP! But let time take you upward when you've shaken off the last bits of dust. Grieve a bit, shake it off, move on.

I think it's a totally normal, your response! People. We're weird, unpredictable creatures. Grin

It will pass, and sooner than you think. Here's to strength and new beginnings, OP.

TheVanguardSix · 10/03/2018 18:05

It’s horrible I hate being a separated parent so much and I hate that dd won’t have that happy little family unit with siblings.

Yep. I hear you. This is exactly what hurt SO much when ex and I broke up. I hated that my hopes of a happy unit for our DC was crushed. What I realised was that I had to make that happen with someone else. It took time, but eventually I made my lemonade out of lemons. You will too. May time be your ally and bring you all that you hope for.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2018 18:17

I think he hung around and didn't see anyone initially in the hope he could win you back....and when that wasn't happening, he finally decided to move on.

Someone famous said a quote along the lines of "The quickest way to get your wife to show interest in you, is by you showing interest in another woman"

While he wasn't seeing anyone...you kind of had the power...

It's a natural feeling you're going through.

You were emphatic that you weren't going to get back with him....so don't see it as you being replaced.... just as him realising he no longer had a chance with you and once you started seeing other guys...He knew he'd blown it for good.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 10/03/2018 19:18

I think that’s it TheVanguard it’s grief for a life I hoped to give dd and the thought that he might have that with someone else is hard.
I think I was expecting someone younger and without commitments and I’d have been ok with that. The fact he’ll be having family days out and spending time with someone else’s child is really difficult.

Then I think maybe he’s really changed and grown up and that’s why he’s with someone whom he can do the family stuff.

God I don’t know! He knows how to mess with my head, when he’s not even trying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 10/03/2018 19:52

I think people are right though that we need this, we need it to be really over and then we can hopefully properly move on.

I’ve phoned my bf and asked if he wanted to come round once dd has gone to sleep. I saw him last when dd was with ex, but he was happy to come round even though it means a early start for him tomorrow. I think I’ve been reluctant to really open up to him and I don’t know if that’s ex related, me related or hes not really right for me. But he’s so lovely and treats me really well.
I think I maybe need to give it a proper go and put a bit of trust in him.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/03/2018 20:32

Do you still love your Ex? Deep down maybe?

user1486956786 · 10/03/2018 22:07

**I think I was expecting someone younger and without commitments and I’d have been ok with that.

I don't believe you, I think if he met someone younger and they were going out all the time you wouldn't be ok with that either.

I don't think it actually has anything to do with who he's dating I think it's the realisation he is dating. It is a very normal feeling. Try and think back to your head space when he wanted you and you didn't want him. There was a reason and a feeling why. Perhaps you aren't actually ready to be dating your new guy so soon? Lots to think about! Not easy xxx

user1486956786 · 10/03/2018 22:08

Break up only 7/8 months ago with a child plus new partners is a lot to go through emotionally!

WishfulThinking18 · 10/03/2018 22:15

Emboo, I remember your threads and wanted to say, keep strong. You deserve better than your ex Flowers