Ex, seeing someone new!

[Emboo19]

Couldn’t think of a title, without it becoming long and complicated.

But been split up around 7/8 months, he cheated I ended things. Been a bit up and down with how we’ve got on, sorting contact with dd and all that. He’s wanted us to try again and other than a few wobbles I’ve been pretty adamant that I don’t.

Yesterday he collected dd and told me he’s seeing someone new, early days and he won’t be introducing to dd or anything but he wanted to tell me so I don’t hear from anyone else, we have a few mutual friends.

Thing is I’ve been wanting this for him, so he’d move on and we could get on with just being friends and I’m seeing someone else myself.
But since he told me I can’t help but think I’ve made a huge mistake and we should have tried again. I even searched her name on fb to see what she looks like and I’m really not one of those kind of people. (She’s very attractive though)
I’ve tried convincing myself I’m worried for dd and that he’ll lose interest in her, but honestly I think I’m a bit jealous that he’s actually moving on.
But what’s that about? Is it just a normal initial reaction or does it mean I really have made a mistake in ending things.

Honestly Sandy I do and I think a part of me always will, first love and all that.
But I’ve realised we aren’t right for each other and he’s not the man I thought he was. He always seemed so supportive and encouraging of me, but I now don’t believe he’d ever be happy if I ended up as successful or more so than him, especially money wise. It’s funny but the new guy is like how I thought my ex was. Only now I see how different being like that and faking being like that are. It’s difficult to explain, but I’ve realised a lot about him that I wouldn’t have expected.

I’ve thought the same thing about it being too soon with the new guy user and I’m still not sure.
It wasn’t planned at all, we knew each other and just bumped into each other. Messaged for a bit about a band and then met for coffee which turned to dinner and breakfast the following morning. We just clicked and have so much in common.
I do wish I’d bumped into him a year or so later though.

And thank you Wishful

Emboo as tempting as it is to pour yourself into your current BF, don't forget the value of getting your relationship back on track with YOU. Sounds so cliche and corny, I know. But it's emboo time. It is the scariest thing in the world to build up your relationship with your own self.

When I was a kid, I remember my mum and aunties loving Cher's famous quote (I'm American and a child of the 70s/80s, so I wouldn't expect anyone to know this quote): In response to the breakdown of her marriage, she said, "I left him for another women... me."

I held onto that when DC1's dad and I broke up. I wanted so much to find fulfillment, safety, and love in the arms of another- and very quickly! I wanted to form a family unit. I needed a family unit! The one I had was levelled... gone. And I felt that my sense of stability was so shaky. Watching my ex move on and have a sense of 'family' without me left me feeling so miserable. Why couldn't WE have that? Why had it been so easy for him to find that with someone else? And other questions. All the questions, all that pain passed. I got over all of it. And you will too. Just remember, you're number one right now. Invest in you. Love yourself and the rest will come.

Honestly Sandy I do and I think a part of me always will, first love and all that.

I thought that might be the case. but sometimes love just isn't enough to keep you together after a betrayal like that. The foundation becomes shaky and you're constantly suspicious of them.

but I now don’t believe he’d ever be happy if I ended up as successful or more so than him, especially money wise

This isn't uncommon. There are many men who don't like a woman earning more than them. It's insecurity and the male ego.

I'm sure your Ex will always regret what he did, especially later in the future when he potentially may see another man spending more time with his DD than he is.

Does your BF know why it ended with your Ex?

I think it's normal to have a wobble. You have to imagine though being with him again. Would it feel right? Would you feel you were compromising? Would it ever be amazing again? (I remember you posting on this when it all happened.)

It could be your ex's last ditched attempt to get you back. He and the new GF might not work out anyway. He might have decided to go out with someone with DC already as a way not to get too involved (you say he didn't want kids). I think for him it'll be hard doing the family stuff with a child that isn't his. I know I wouldn't want to be going out for the day, buying ice creams, having fun, with a child what wasn't mine as it would bring it home what I'd lost.

It's early days for them. You had a good relationship it sounded overall even though he did that to you. Perhaps these feelings you have are the last remnants of letting go. If the thought of being with him again doesn't feel right then I think staying away from him would be the right thing for you. Your conscience is saying you wanted that for you DD. You have regrets but they can never be anything like the regrets he has.

Perhaps your BF is what you need right now. Perhaps he won't be the 'one' but he's fine for now. Just see how it goes. You're young still and got many years ahead of you. I can imagine how you feel, I've felt it before about ex's. It doesn't last. What an idiot he was.

I think I’m a bit the other way TheVanguard I love spending time with him. But I’m much wanting it to be quite casual and not involving him in my life too much. I know he’d like something more and I’m thinking I need to be a bit more open to including him.

Yes he knows about the cheating and with him struggling with being a dad Sandy.

I feel much better already so think it was definitely just an initial wobble to hearing the news. I think it threw me too, as she’s the opposite of that I expected (and if me) and the fact she has a dc.

I think I thought the relationship was much better than it was lizzie. It’s weird because there’s so many things that I’m now thinking maybe that wasn’t quite right. But then that makes me question my new bf too, because if I got it wrong before.....what’s to say I won’t again!!

Argh!! Sorry for typos and spelling! I really need a new phone

I think it’s a pretty normal initial reaction. The feelings will go away soon enough.

So much for him not introducing dd to anyone for ages!! He’s taking her to soft play today with the new girlfriend and her dc. It’s been a few weeks, ffs!

But I’m not reacting. DD’s too young to have a clue what’s going on so I just replied ‘ok, hope she has a good time’.

Like fuck, he’ll react like that when I introduce her to my bf though.

And I feel like such a idiot! Today’s his birthday and he’s only seeing dd for a few hours as he’s going out. He told me he was just taking her to his and so I’d bought him some presents from dd and we made him a little cake yesterday so they could share it at his.
Now he’s meeting his girlfriend so probably won’t be going home and I don’t imagine he’ll want to be opening presents and eating cake from his ex with his new girlfriend and I feel so stupid.

Oh god! If he tells her, it’s going to look like I want him back isn’t? So now I’ll be the ex, who’s trying to win him back, ffs!
I was only doing a nice thing, because he does still buy things for me from dd and I thought he was just going to be sat at home with her on his own.

OP - take a breath.
There isnt any drama here.
Have DD and Ex have a slice of cake in your home before they set out.
And ask him if he wants to take DD’s presents with him this time, or get them next time.

Don’t worry about what his GF might (or might not) think.

I think that’s a lovely thing you did as the Mum of his child. You did it for them both, if I was the GF I would never question the motives of someone who did that. It would just seen like a nice civilised parent action.

Relax, you’re not jumping out of the cake so it’s all good! (Unless you are, which i’d strongly recommend against! )

He’s already gone MMmomDD with the cake and gifts. He didn’t say he was taking her to meet his girlfriend until after I’d given him them.

I know I shouldn’t be worried or anything, but I think it’s just really hit me off guard becaus he swore he wouldn’t introduce her so soon.
So now I’m thinking his girlfriend might have bought a cake and stuff and Im imagining the four of them celebrating and I just feel so stupid!

Thank you Redlipstick I hope it’s seen that way.
Definitely no jumping out of the cake, too much faff! But how do you think a cake replica of my face would go down? That doesn’t scream wanting him back does it?

OP - cake replica of your face?

That was a joke MM. I’m tying to laugh I I don’t cry!
It was just a perfectly normal chocolate cake. I let dd throw some sprinkles and chocolate buttons on, so you can tell that she ‘helped’.

That made me laugh! Face maybe fine, a genital cake may have sent mixed signals though .
See, all good. It was a lovely gesture and I’m sure he appreciated it for what it was.

I could have done boobs! Ex was quite the fan when we were together and dd still breastfeeds so she’s a fan.

OP - thank god. One never knows...

However - there is nothing to cry about. Really.
Your DD is small. She won’t understand the significance of her F’s friend and her kid there.
Just another adult and a kid.
And GF won’t think anything of the cake/presents either.

You can’t control how and who he introduces to DD. So - don’t try.

It’ll get easier with time.

I agree with PPs, don't worry about what his new gf might think.

She probably respects your high bar. From her pov, you rejected him due to your high standard and now she's come along and she's accepting what he has to offer, a cheater with a child and a very recent x .

I was jealous when my abusive x moved on. But I wasn't jealour of her! I was jealous of him! That he got to be the cruel fuckwit he was and walk away and have a fresh start. Whereas I've barely had a relationship that lasted past the or even to the meet the kids point. So the feelings are very conflicted. You can think you are jealous but it's not jealous. It's injustice, stinging.

I know there’s nothing I can do MMmom which is why I didn’t say anything. But even though she’s young and won’t know, I don’t think it’s right to introduce so soon and he knows that! He’s either trying to get at me or he’s thinking with his dick rather than of his daughter (which wouldn’t be the first time). Either way he’s been a shit dad and going against everything thing he said when we spilt.
But he knows that, without me saying a word!

Still it fucks me off and I’m betting when I say she’s meeting my bf I’ll get a shit load of abuse thrown at me or he’ll try the guilt trip route of how much he misses dd and he doesn’t want someone else playing daddy.

I don’t feel jealous of her Pest definitely not now! This morning is the only time he can see her all weekend, because his mates, football, band all come first! The sad thing is that also applies to his daughter, how lovely and convenient for him that they can both be ticked of his list together.
And the poor girlfriend will probably see this as some sign of commitment and so when he turns up drunk and wanting a shag she won’t turn him away!

OP - you are clearly very emotionally invested in this whole thing - and, I think, the past hurts and issues with Ex are all flooding back right now.

Really. Don’t let it affect you this much. It will only hurt you.
Your daughter won’t know or understand what’s happening.
This GF will either stay in his life - and in this case - meeting her now is a good thing;
Or she won’t. And DD will not remember a trip to the soft play area.

When you introduce your BF is up to you. And your Ex - just like you - will not have a say.
And - him having introduced his GF first - he’s lost any right to voice an opinion.

Good luck