Not a nice night last night....

[newnamechange1]

I've nc for this. Please bare with me as I feel I need to get everything down so it all makes sense.

Married to dh, he has a dd,I have a dd and I'm pregnant also.

Dsd is a lovely girl, never had any sort of issues with her apart from the fact she's now a teenager so it's the usual mood swings that you would expect. The only odd argument dh has with his ex is over this stuff. Dsd will ask her mum for something, she says no so then dsd is straight on the phone asking dh for whatever it is. Then he will usually get a call from the ex and they bicker about it but by the end of the phone call it's sorted and they are all mates again.

Dsd would usually spend the day with us tomorrow (she comes to us every Friday - Sunday one weekend then just a Sunday the weekend after so she gets part of a weekend with her friends)

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and yesterday dsd rang dh and said shes spending Mother's Day with her mum (we already knew this and assumed she wasn't coming this weekend) and could she come tonight instead. Dh said he's working today and that she's more than welcome to come tonight and he would drop her off first thing tomorrow with her mum but he cannot collect her tonight as I'm at work - like I am every Saturday night - and her mum would have to drop her off.

Dsd said she would ask her mum. Dsds mum (the ex) never ever does pick ups or drop offs. It's never been a problem however about 2 years ago she moved about 45 mins away (the reason dh can't collect her tonight, it takes about 2 hours and I have to leave for work as he comes home pretty much) from us and she just won't help out. That's fine, dh does it all - it's not worth the argument.

So it gets to 11pm last night and me and dh are just going to bed and he gets a text from her. Basically saying how much he's upset dsd because she can't come tonight and why should she be expected to drop her off. Dh replies that he hadn't upset dsd, she was fine, and that he wanted her to come, it's just that he couldn't collect her with me being at work. The ex knows this. It's obviously not the usual day she comes to us so there's not much we can do.

Anyway the texts from her just got worse. She then sent another text saying 'maybe you should stop having kids if you can't handle dd'. That angered me. Dh replied saying not to bring our baby into any argument as our baby is nothing to do with her (that's probably where he went wrong but I did suggest he send that message).

Then the next time came 'have you beat her up yet, like you did me?' meaning me. I just froze. I said nothing and got up and left the bedroom. It was the worst feeling. Dh laughed at first and said 'is she for real?' He said something else but I didn't catch it as I went into the bathroom.

I sat in there for a couple of minutes and then went back to the bedroom with tears steaming down my face. I asked if he had replied and he showed me. He said 'can you explain to me when that happened please? I never laid a finger on you and you know it, tell me when I did that'

Then his attention turned to me as I was very very upset. He said he totally understood my reaction and that he promised he never did anything.

She never replied to his message. We could see that she read it though. About 1am she replied totally ignoring it saying it will only be dd that misses out this weekend. He didn't reply and he still hasn't.

I didn't get a wink of sleep. I've just been laid awake wondering what the hell is going on and what made her say that.

I have never seen dh get violent. Not once have I ever been scared of him or worried that he might hurt me. We've had some pretty big arguments in our time too. But never anything that has turned remotely violent.

He has no criminal record.

And what I don't get the most is dh and the ex have a pretty good relationship. She's with her dp and has 2 more daughters. They all came to our wedding. She asked dh to do some work on her house and he's done it. He's always going round doing little jobs for them. Sometimes she will invite him in for a coffee when he drops dsd off or picks her up.

Even her mum and dad get on great with him. If they have parties, we get an invite. Dh always goes in for a chat if he drops dsd off with her nana.

I get on well with her (or did do, not so sure how I feel right now). When we told her I was pregnant, she was so pleased for us.

I just don't get it. I can't see them having this type of relationship if dh was violent to her. But why would she say it? I do think she had been drinking but still....it's really messed with my head.

I can't figure out if it's more the thought of dh beating me up. They thought had never once crossed my mind but now I can't get it out of my head. And it's horrible.

Dh is the most loving man I've ever met. He's so affectionate. Even when we have argued, he will still hold my hand or put his hand on my leg while we watch tv in silence because we aren't speaking. He always cuddles me, always kisses me. This morning he came in for a cuddle as he always does and i flinched :-( he put his hand on my tummy (baby) and I didn't like it. I didn't push him away but I didn't put my hand on his like I usually would.

Now he's gone to work and I'm here wondering what to think. This argument just came out of no where and I'm totally on dhs side regarding that he cannot pick dsd up on a Saturday night. All week she said she wasn't coming this weekend so we never assumed there would be a problem. There's nothing we can do about it. But why the hell did she get so argumentative? She started off bringing our baby into it and now this?

Dh assured me again this morning that he's telling the truth and even he didn't know how to react to that message. He is so upset about it but more worried about what it's done to me.

They split up about 10 years ago now. They were both very young at the time. Dh said they were just constantly breaking up and getting back together until they realised it was no good for dsd so they split permanently.

I never would of married a man I thought was violent or had even shown me hints of violence. I consider myself a sensible person with a good head on my shoulders. My ex (dds dad) was an emotional abuser big time and broke my trust completely. Dh brought it back.

So yeah....that's it. I just feel so shaken by that message. Something I would never ever expect. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to explain everything to make sure it comes across how it should. I don't even know what to think. Nothing adds up.

You feel shaken by it, because you know it was true. It would have been a long time ago yes, but deep down you know. What was the reason they split up?

So all evidence points to it not happening but you seem to believe it did. Why do you think that is?

Sounds like she had been drinking & was being obtuse & shit stirring to me. In view of your apparently good relationship with her, & her parents up till now, I think if he had been violent you would have heard.
Don't work yourself up, what you know is how he is with you. That is not imaginary.

Well this is a hard one and I know that sinking feeling. Do you think it's because you had an inkling he might have done this in the past?

I will say this though, she may be telling the truth. I have often wondered if my ex is violent with his girlfriend now. I just don't know. It's an awful feeling and worse that so many of his friends know he was violent and turned a blind eye so he looks like a normal guy with normal friends.

How long have you been together?

That sounds a terrible shock. It'll take a while to fade, but meanwhile let's deal with facts: you have your experience of DH. Now you also have what a woman fairly unconnected with you said, after a number of unreasonable comments.

Store this event away in your memory. Maybe it'll be useful to you some day. Hopefully it'll never really make sense. But go back to trusting your experience and all your history.

Halberts what the hell? You cannot possibly know that. This is the OPs life, not a soap opera. Do you just want to upset her more?

It is just as possible that the ex was just pissed and shitstirring. She didn't reply to his response so it seems like she didn't have any back up for it.

If everything else is fine, and there is no other reason to doubt him other than an angry ex, I would try and let it go.

It's more the thought of him beating me up that's shocked me tbh. It's the worst feeling and something that has never crossed my mind.

We've been together 7 years now and not one bit of violence towards me or anyone else.

He did lose his dad when he was very young and his mum always says how she used to worry about him going down the wrong path. There was a time (think he was 15/16) that she was very worried about him as he started hanging around with the wrong crowd. But thankfully it didn't last and he threw himself into the trade he does now. She couldn't be prouder of him.

He doesn't drink at home, only socially but even then, if he's had a few too many, he's a happy funny drunk.

These are all the things that's been through my mind.

I just cannot see him doing it, it's not the dh I know. Deep down I can't say I feel it's true, I just feel abit numb at it all.

As your previous relationship was abusive, has this touched a nerve.
The only really solution is to speak to the woman face to face

I was physically assaulted by my EXH many times. I can't imagine ever getting our interactions to that point with him in 10 years time (it has been 4). I don't think it's true.

Having been with someone abusive for years and then split up with them and had children with them, none of what you said points to this happening. It just doesn't sound right. I would never ever have coffee or go to the wedding of my ex, given what he did to me.

I think you need to look at your reaction to this too. Why has it taken one sentence to shake your trust?I am so sorry you are so shaken, maybe the emotional abuse isn't as resolved as you thought? Hope you are okay

If there had been violence with his XW, then his Mum would know also.

She's just trying to cause trouble. My ExH (who was EA and starting to be be PA) accused me of being abusive by text once. I knew his new GF was reading all his messages and he was trying to paint himself as a victim and me the villain. He was lying and he damn well knew it. I asked him for examples and he couldn't give any. Not one!

If yo to this point your relationship has been fine and there are no doubt or red flags, I'd just ignore her.

You say they were very young when they got together. Maybe they were immature and got physical a few times when they argued?

It sounds like she is quite spiteful, insisting he does all the pickups and punishing him when he couldn't fit in with a change of plan, rather than celebrating her daughter being with her on mother's day.

Sounds to me like she knew you would be there reading the messages and was trying to stir up sh*t.

If you don't believe your DH is capable of something like that and he is saying he didn't do it then I think he deserves your trust

@Nolongerwithauser thanks, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I mean there was no way my ex was invited to my wedding, we don't talk socially because I cannot stand him. He wasn't psychically violent to me either. So for her to say this...it doesn't add up and I know that. She's a very confident woman, not the shy type where she ever acts like she's scared of him or anything.

As for my ex, yeah it possibly has just brought up Jose feelings again, all to do with trust. I've banged on enough already so I won't go into all the things he put me through (basically just constantly cheating and lying then making me feel I was going crazy). Yeah it just shows I'm still very insecure I suppose, I never really realised but dh has never given me a reason too.

How upsetting for you op. You are the person who knows him, you seem to have a loving relationship and anyone who tells you they never argue does not have a healthy relationship. This seems to have shaken your trust in your partner and you cannot get it out of your mind.

You can either put this behind you, believe in what he has told you, or you could go and see her when the dust settles. This is a very high risk strategy though because either she will apologise for drunk texting or you will hear something you do no want to hear.

Sadly this cannot be unsaid. You can choose to put it behind you and move on. She may just be trying to childishly damage your happiness by upping the ante in a trivial argument but the doubt stands out in your post.

My first thought here is that the ex was either having a very bad night, was drunk, or trying to shit stir for her own reasons.

If your dh was stunned by this comment, and flatly asked her when it happened, and she then dropped the subject, to me it points to her being cross, possibly because she knows she's being a bit shit about refusing to do any drop offs etc. Dsd was probably upset, so ex was lashing out perhaps.

And I agree, if your ex has beaten you up, you certainly don't go to his wedding, or have a reasonably good relationship (to organise contact etc) with them.

Sit down and calmly talk to dh. And be prepared to believe him. Why would you take his ex's word over your husbands? I can't help thinking you would have heard about it before now.

You might never know the truth if it’s one word against the other. Even if she told you more details he could still deny it.

I would personally assume it was true and agree with a pp that they might have been young and moved on from it.

However none of us on here could ever know so it’s a tricky one.

She's worked a number on you OP and is getting the exact result she hoped for. Had I not experienced what I have this last 18 months with DH's kids I would have felt the way you do right now. I have seen things put in emails about my DH that are the POLAR OPPOSITE of the truth of a situation I was present at and I KNOW what is in the email is a lie as the result of an agenda. Like you, I am in a sort of shock about it all but I know the truth. It doesn't stop it turning and churning over and over in my head all the time as the poison is reaching far and wide in the family.
My advice is to hold on to your original opinion of DH. She loosed an arrow with intent and it reached it's target that is all. Have the courage to maintain your life view that has been attained over years over this one nasty barbed comment. She feels aggrieved (wrongly) and turned nasty is all.

And yes people can put on an amicable front after an awful relationship.

Ring her and ask her.
Ask exactly what happened.
Iv it's true she will be able to recall the specific details.
If you find out she is lying I would tell your dh in no uncertain terms that he does not engage with her st this level again, of that means blocking her number then do it.
A 14 year old is quite cspable of handling telephone call. Stuck yo arrangements and tell your dsd not to play each parent off against each other,
If you are working then you are not picking her up. End off.
Fwiw I had an ex and he was never violent towards me. Turned out he had beaten his ex wife and children and they were all still in contact.

Have you considered it might be her partner shit stirring?

He might not be as happy with the Happy Families set up as the rest of you.

I think you need to speak to her directly.

I think new babies bring out very strange emotions in blended families. Exes, your new husband, you and both your DD's (whilst being really really excited about this new life) can all feel on shifting sands because nobody knows how this new sibling/offspring is going to fit into family dynamics. It's very weird to see your ex have a baby with a new partner. I've been there andeveb though I ended the relationship and had no feelings for him at all it was weird for me. I worried for my child, it felt weird to see him look after her so well when he was awful to me in my pregnancy etc etc. I'm not excusing her behaviour but sometimes life is a headfuck and when you add alcohol it doesn't help! I would chalk this up to drunken nonsense and I suspect you'll be receiving an apology soon.

You do need to look at your own feelings though. There is NOTHING wrong with feeling insecure and worried given your past and the fact that you are vulnerable with your pregnancy. But speaking from experience, try to address it with some kind of talking therapy or reading up on gslighting and EA again. Otherwise, it's tentacles get into current relationships and can damage them. You sound so sorted and self aware, you deserve that security and happiness.

I believe your reaction was due to your past not his. You were with someone who emotionally abused you and who broke your trust. His ex wanted to hurt him/you or both she probably knew you were reading the texts. Your DH sounds honest and open if he had anything to hide he wouldn’t have let you read the texts. She didn’t reply when he asked her to explain because she can’t - she’s lying.

Read through your initial post there is nothing there to indicate that this man is anything but loving and supportive to you.

His ex is creating a wedge between you. Don’t let her do this or your life together will never be the same. It sounds as though you had the perfect relationship before her drunken ramblings don’t let her destroy that.

I do know people who co-parent somewhat amicably with people that domestically abused them in the past, including sitting down with them at social occasions.

I think I would try to not get over-focused on that horrible image, but I would take a good look around, be open to noticing things with new eyes, and watch his behaviour over the next few days. Its a horrible time for you to hear this and be so unsure, but the ground will feel more steady at some point, as the dust settles and you can make objective assessments. Take care.

Thanks for everyone's replies.

I had thought about speaking to her. I've never had the impression she has anything against me. I take dsd out with my dd on days out from time to time and she will message me saying how much she appreciates it. We've always got on great which I've considered myself lucky as I know it doesn't happen often. I've never felt insecure of her or thought of her as any sort of threat to my relationship with dh.

I think my first thing to do is speak to dh tonight and let him know exactly how that message made me feel. I know it wasn't nice for him either obviously.

I also agree I need to speak to her too. I'll try later on today. If she's hungover she probably won't speak to me right now.