Not a nice night last night....

[newnamechange1]

I've nc for this. Please bare with me as I feel I need to get everything down so it all makes sense.

Married to dh, he has a dd,I have a dd and I'm pregnant also.

Dsd is a lovely girl, never had any sort of issues with her apart from the fact she's now a teenager so it's the usual mood swings that you would expect. The only odd argument dh has with his ex is over this stuff. Dsd will ask her mum for something, she says no so then dsd is straight on the phone asking dh for whatever it is. Then he will usually get a call from the ex and they bicker about it but by the end of the phone call it's sorted and they are all mates again.

Dsd would usually spend the day with us tomorrow (she comes to us every Friday - Sunday one weekend then just a Sunday the weekend after so she gets part of a weekend with her friends)

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and yesterday dsd rang dh and said shes spending Mother's Day with her mum (we already knew this and assumed she wasn't coming this weekend) and could she come tonight instead. Dh said he's working today and that she's more than welcome to come tonight and he would drop her off first thing tomorrow with her mum but he cannot collect her tonight as I'm at work - like I am every Saturday night - and her mum would have to drop her off.

Dsd said she would ask her mum. Dsds mum (the ex) never ever does pick ups or drop offs. It's never been a problem however about 2 years ago she moved about 45 mins away (the reason dh can't collect her tonight, it takes about 2 hours and I have to leave for work as he comes home pretty much) from us and she just won't help out. That's fine, dh does it all - it's not worth the argument.

So it gets to 11pm last night and me and dh are just going to bed and he gets a text from her. Basically saying how much he's upset dsd because she can't come tonight and why should she be expected to drop her off. Dh replies that he hadn't upset dsd, she was fine, and that he wanted her to come, it's just that he couldn't collect her with me being at work. The ex knows this. It's obviously not the usual day she comes to us so there's not much we can do.

Anyway the texts from her just got worse. She then sent another text saying 'maybe you should stop having kids if you can't handle dd'. That angered me. Dh replied saying not to bring our baby into any argument as our baby is nothing to do with her (that's probably where he went wrong but I did suggest he send that message).

Then the next time came 'have you beat her up yet, like you did me?' meaning me. I just froze. I said nothing and got up and left the bedroom. It was the worst feeling. Dh laughed at first and said 'is she for real?' He said something else but I didn't catch it as I went into the bathroom.

I sat in there for a couple of minutes and then went back to the bedroom with tears steaming down my face. I asked if he had replied and he showed me. He said 'can you explain to me when that happened please? I never laid a finger on you and you know it, tell me when I did that'

Then his attention turned to me as I was very very upset. He said he totally understood my reaction and that he promised he never did anything.

She never replied to his message. We could see that she read it though. About 1am she replied totally ignoring it saying it will only be dd that misses out this weekend. He didn't reply and he still hasn't.

I didn't get a wink of sleep. I've just been laid awake wondering what the hell is going on and what made her say that.

I have never seen dh get violent. Not once have I ever been scared of him or worried that he might hurt me. We've had some pretty big arguments in our time too. But never anything that has turned remotely violent.

He has no criminal record.

And what I don't get the most is dh and the ex have a pretty good relationship. She's with her dp and has 2 more daughters. They all came to our wedding. She asked dh to do some work on her house and he's done it. He's always going round doing little jobs for them. Sometimes she will invite him in for a coffee when he drops dsd off or picks her up.

Even her mum and dad get on great with him. If they have parties, we get an invite. Dh always goes in for a chat if he drops dsd off with her nana.

I get on well with her (or did do, not so sure how I feel right now). When we told her I was pregnant, she was so pleased for us.

I just don't get it. I can't see them having this type of relationship if dh was violent to her. But why would she say it? I do think she had been drinking but still....it's really messed with my head.

I can't figure out if it's more the thought of dh beating me up. They thought had never once crossed my mind but now I can't get it out of my head. And it's horrible.

Dh is the most loving man I've ever met. He's so affectionate. Even when we have argued, he will still hold my hand or put his hand on my leg while we watch tv in silence because we aren't speaking. He always cuddles me, always kisses me. This morning he came in for a cuddle as he always does and i flinched :-( he put his hand on my tummy (baby) and I didn't like it. I didn't push him away but I didn't put my hand on his like I usually would.

Now he's gone to work and I'm here wondering what to think. This argument just came out of no where and I'm totally on dhs side regarding that he cannot pick dsd up on a Saturday night. All week she said she wasn't coming this weekend so we never assumed there would be a problem. There's nothing we can do about it. But why the hell did she get so argumentative? She started off bringing our baby into it and now this?

Dh assured me again this morning that he's telling the truth and even he didn't know how to react to that message. He is so upset about it but more worried about what it's done to me.

They split up about 10 years ago now. They were both very young at the time. Dh said they were just constantly breaking up and getting back together until they realised it was no good for dsd so they split permanently.

I never would of married a man I thought was violent or had even shown me hints of violence. I consider myself a sensible person with a good head on my shoulders. My ex (dds dad) was an emotional abuser big time and broke my trust completely. Dh brought it back.

So yeah....that's it. I just feel so shaken by that message. Something I would never ever expect. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to explain everything to make sure it comes across how it should. I don't even know what to think. Nothing adds up.

We've been together 7 years now and not one bit of violence towards me or anyone else.

That's good enough for me. Your DH's ex is shit-stirring and it's working! She's creating dissension in your household. Slow clap for her efforts. You're now doubting your husband when you have no hard evidence whatsoever that he is what she claims. You're so quick to take her word from a shoddy, anger-induced text exchange. Don't you KNOW your DH after 7 years?

DSD is 14. Until she's 16, your DH must deal with his ex. I suggest he doesn't bite when she winds him up. He needs to treat his relationship with ex as an administrative one and not an emotional one.

You're having his baby. It's weirding her out. That's what's going on.
You will never know if what she's written is true. Never. You cannot ruminate on what could be total fiction. All you have is NOW and your history with DH. You'll have to leave the rest behind. Or you could drive yourself mad wondering. Where's that going to get you?

Seven YEARS OP. Seven YEARS.

Seven years of fun, love and affection, without even a hint of anything concerning despite all of the trials and tribulations of life going on...

There is NO way an abusive man could wear a mask that well, for that long.

She was being spiteful. Possibly because her dd had unleashed some teen at her and questioned WHY she wouldn't drop off. She then forwarded that to your DH. When he then talked about the same thing she lashed out.

Judge your DH by YOUR knowledge of him. Not by the unsupported accusations of a woman who knew she was in the wrong.

Only your DH and his ex will really know what went on in their relationship - no one else. If he has given you no cause for concern, then trust that, however, lots of abuse (no necessarily physical) starts or escalates during pregnancy / early parenthood. Just watch out for the warning signs. I also didn't understand how you being at work impacted on him collecting / returning his daughter.

I also agree I need to speak to her too. I'll try later on today. If she's hungover she probably won't speak to me right now.

Why are you biting??? You're feeding the beast! And she's probably hungover? Oh OP! Come one. So it's likely she was drunk when texting. You're feeding the drama. Good luck.

LadyLapsang - because not everyone has two cars?

We only have one car, the journey takes 2 hours to collect dsd and between him finishing work and me going to work, there isn't that time to collect her. Dh could of possibly had an early finish if dd had told him she wanted to come but she only said this yesterday which isn't enough notice to get cover.

Thanks, these are the replies I needed to hear. My head was just so cloudy, not helped by the fact I just couldn't sleep at all.

I'm going to try get my head down now for a little bit and hopefully I'll wake up feeling more with it.

I totally agree with what everyone's saying, I was just struggling to see it in my own mind. Which is why I wanted to write it all on here totally as it is, and has been over the years. Just needed the clarification. Thank you.

I assume one of them has to be home to look after OP's DD.

I would trust your judgment of your DH. Be alert, but if he's never shown any sign of violence to you in 7 years, that has to be more significant than a spiteful text from an ex during an argument in which she was being unreasonable. I can't see it helping to ask her about it.

Might be the only one here but I think this is an absolute none issue here

It’s quite clear she’s trying to cause problems. Your husband has never shown any violent behaviour. Why are you giving her any time of day??

I fail to see why this has been made into such an issue? She’s trying to cause problems. He’s never been violent towards you/anyone around you. Why are you letting it bother you so much??

She seems like a shit stirring cow, I would ignore. Trying to drag your unborn baby into it just shows how unreasonable she is and when she couldn't get a reaction out of him, she pushed the limit of facts with this 'beat her up too nonsense'. You're never going to know 100% what happened between the two of them but sometimes people repaint history to suit their own agenda. If they were young and it was a volatile situation, it's likely that there was poor and immature behavior on both their parts. Not necessarily violence, not necessarily not. You're never going to know for sure, you have to trust the man you have been for seven years.

What you know now is that she's blatantly jealous of your new baby, she might have been all hunky dory before but now it's probably sinking in that your DH won't be at her beck and call once your baby comes. Plus their daughters becoming more independent.

Remember up until now, even though you married him, she's been the only one with a child for your DH and that's given her power, status and control over him. It's easy to play nice when every things going her way but now you guys are starting a new chapter of your lives and she's lashing out. Hence the nasty comments about the baby (disgusting quite frankly) and the accusations of violence...now several years down the line when she's probably been alone with him on several occasions.

Please do not let her get to you or freeze your husband out. That's just what she wants so she can get her power and control back. If what you said Is true your husband sounds lovely and you sound very happy, or a least you did until you started taking notice of her.

I wonder what's going on in her relationship right now and whether that's amplifing her jealousy.

Not everyone has a car or can drive, neither of my parents drove and I grew up using public transport. Maybe his ex is concerned about how the new baby will impact on DSD's relationship with her father. Why won't his ex share drop offs / pick ups - did you move away?

I suppose she's giving emotional abuse and I'm falling for it. Maybe it has opened up a lot of past wounds.
I actually now agree not to contact her, contacting her just shows she's got to me our relationship. And I don't want that. So yes, I can see now it's best not to contact her and to be honest....speaking to her is the last thing I feel like doing.

I'll get some sleep and then get my s**t together. Thank you

Please judge by actions, not words. Your DH has been kind and loving for 7 years. Surely you aren’t going to discount all that for one spiteful accusation from an angry ex with an axe to grind?
I think she is trying to press your buttons - don’t let her succeed. She’d probably be delighted to think she’s sown seeds of doubt and distrust into your happy marriage. Especially when you are pregnant and vulnerable. And she is possibly jealous of the pregnancy.
As one of the PPs said, how could a violent abuser fake being loving for seven years? The mask would have slipped long since.
Don’t let your previous experience spoil the present. If you do, that spiteful woman has won.
Focus on your forthcoming happy event and your loving marriage, and don’t give the ex any more head space.

@LadyLapsang no she moved about 2 years ago. Ex did say she would do half the drop offs at the start but it hasn't ended up that way. Before she used to live literally a 5 min drive and dsd would spend half the time here and half the time with her mum. She could come and go as she pleased but that's not the case now as she's just too far away.

She's just trying to cause trouble. Go with your gut feeling, you know your DH and he has never given you reason to think he is aggressive. She's shit stirring, don't give her the satisfaction. It could drive a wedge if you give the slighted hint you don't believe him when he tells you it's lies.

I have a good relationship with my child’s dad... but he hurt me when we were together. It was so bad I’ve actually never told anyone the things he did. I guess people would think that he couldn’t have hurt me and we still be ‘friends’ too.
I think you know this is true and that’s why you can’t shake it.

My dsd's mum used to use this tactic when she wasnt getting her own way, no one ever layed a finger on her.
People lie, youve known him 7 years and you know hes kind and loving, how well do you know her?

Yes agree it has opened up the past wounds, making you feel insecure. However I don't get why he couldn't drop you off and collect his dsd this evening, or you drop him off at work and pick her up. The 2 hours is a red herring, it would be same whenever the trip was done and is time to chat and catch up. Could dsd make part of the journey by train/bus?

Maybe your DH should have a proper chat with his ex about sharing the transport as promised, or now your DSD is getting older, maybe she travel at least part of the way independently.

sounds Like drunken shit stirring to me.

I wouldn’t speak to her about this either. When your DH challenged her on the allegation why did she ignore? At least she’d have said, you know what you did.

You say she’s moved on and they mostly get on well, but it sounds like she’s not resolved their relationship to the extent that she’s happy for him to have moved on from her to the same degree.

OP - you've loved and. Importantly, trusted him for 7 years. Concentrate on that, give him the benefit of the doubt. One probably drunken text shouldn't shatter a good relationship.
At worst, maybe there was some minor long ago incident she's exaggerating, so what? Please don't let this be the end of your family's world.

i really dont want to be dismissive but you are fixating on something that hasn't happened to you in 7 years. this is a non issue being made into an issue. it will end up in an argument which is the exes intention.

It's been mentioned that she is now old enough to do part of the journey herself (to get to us, it's 3 buses, no train is available). It never happens though, I don't think dh really minds picking her up. He would rather her get here safe. It's just when dsd changes things at the last minute that makes it difficult for us.

As for picking her up, she asked if she could come at 6 (she's out with her friends all day today, cinema and shopping etc) I start work at 5. She knows that would of been hard. Maybe she's trying too stir things for her mum and dad. I suppose dh could of dropped me off and I could of got a taxi home....i don't think either of us thought about that. I won't finish until 1am so him picking me up isn't an option.

Anyway all points taken on board. I know the way I reacted was well and truly because the message shocked me. It really really did and that was my natural reaction. I am an over thinker so I would struggle to just forget something like that but it isn't saying I don't believe dh - I love the bones off him and that won't change. It's just someone saying something so horrible - including the comments about our baby.

Appreciate every comment, I'm so glad I've got the response I've got as I can now see totally more clearly

What a Dark and Stormy said, I think is the most likely explanation, (quite typical of some youngsters who don't have the maturity to deal well with conflict) I don't think the Op has anything to worry about especially.

Could she have meant beaten up in an emotional sense? You've said that they had a volatile relationship so maybe this is what she means?
I don't see any harm in texting her what you've said here about not being able to pick up dsd due to you needing car to get to work and the time it would take your dh to get there and back after he's finished his work, and could she please explain what she meant by her text.
Don't let this silly little argument ruin what appears to be a pretty good set up you all have between you for looking after dsd. Wish all split families could be as good as yours. Good luck OP.