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Original poster

He said I'm not attractive - how to get over it

79 replies

Lovelyivy · 09/03/2018 21:46

Few months ago my husband stoped being affectionate with me and told me I'm not sexually attractive anymore(I was at the low point after giving birth few months prior-feeling not really confident and he made it really bad for me).We were talking about splitting up. After this talk things between got better and we started having fun together again (I think he is happy he got it out of his chest). I started working out and taking care of myself and I feel great again but I hate when he is trying to be intimate or affectionate nowSad. I still remember what he said back then and can't get over it. Where to go from here?Sad

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 09/03/2018 21:51

Isn't it best he was honest?

Mintylemons · 09/03/2018 21:53

It was a cruel thing to say months after you giving birth, but sure I could move on from either.

Littlechocola · 09/03/2018 21:56

Where to go from here? Leave the bastard.
You had just given birth to his baby. He’s an arse.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/03/2018 21:56

He’s an arse. How dare he say such a thing, shortly after you’ve brought his child into the world? I’m not sure I could get over that either.

Mumsymcmumface · 09/03/2018 21:56

Have to admit I agree with honesty is the best policy in these situations.

Don’t like your partners hair? Don’t like their clothes? Don’t like the fact that they are gaining weight? Why shouldn’t Simone be able to comment as long as it’s not in a hurtful way.

People can’t force you to change, but I can’t see any harm in a partner expressing a preference for something about the others appearance.

Am sure lots will disagree and say you should never say anything though.

Original poster
Lovelyivy · 09/03/2018 21:57

It was just said in really bad way at the bad timing...I had a really bad post-partum depression and really long recovery after giving birth and he knew I wasn't feeling myself as well ... but I was trying to be pretty for him back then as well ... he told me he fancy other women on the street or at work ... I just can't seem to get over it Sad

OP posts:
Mintylemons · 09/03/2018 22:00

*not sure I could move on

XiCi · 09/03/2018 22:01

Talk about kick you when you're down. He sounds a total and utter cunt. I couldn't forgive that. I'd tell him to fuck off to whatever woman at work or on the street he fancies.

numptynuts · 09/03/2018 22:01

Ok being honest, fine, but so soon after birth and you were growing and giving life to his child??! If it were me I'd be telling him to go fuck himself.
Ugh!!!

Withhindsight · 09/03/2018 22:03

You don't need to get over it, you need to tackle it. He has hurt you. When he tries to have sex with you, can you tell him that you don't find him attractive and that you fancy men in the street? His reaction should guide you forwards, either an apology/ recognition of how you feel and you can try to move on together- or it could be the beginning of the end - either way you need to know

Babyblues052 · 09/03/2018 22:04

Thats so horrible. I had a baby 6 months ago and I still feel really self conscious of my body. My dp always compliments me and tells me he fancies me ect. If he had said what yours said I honestly don't think I could have felt with that. I'd honestly be the same if not worse than you. Pregnancy and post partum is such a vulnerable time for women you don't need kicked down. I think you should look into what it is you actually get out of this relationship.

SumAndSubstance · 09/03/2018 22:09

I can’t see any harm in a partner expressing a preference for something about the others appearance.

Telling your wife who has recently given birth that she is not sexually attractive any more is not the same as saying, "I'm not actually sure I like your new fringe" is it? And how do you say that in a not hurtful way?
I wouldn't want him anywhere near me after that.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 09/03/2018 22:10

This is calculated cruelty, he is a selfish bastard for saying it.

If he said he preferred your hair long, or something you could change ...that would be bad enough but saying you are unattractive is just a shitty thing to say.

I could not get past that myself, but I am very (too?) Proud. If my partner said that, and later wanted to make love or kiss I'd not be up for that.

He needs to really apologise properly, or if he means it, maybe that is just where the relationship ends.

In your shoes, I would not be sad, I'd be angry Angry

Original poster
Lovelyivy · 09/03/2018 22:10

On one hand I'm happy he told me (I asked him why we don't have sex and he is lacking affection towards me) but I just don't understand how can you not fancy someone who just gave you a child...if he would at least support me in getting better (like asking me to go workout with him..he always say he doesn't understand all the dieting and that there is no point). I also believe that he could try to create the intimacy a little...open a wine when baby goes to sleep, prepare us a dinner... it feels like he was just like "damn she is getting big...well..hope she will do something herself or I will just leave"

OP posts:
GlitterGlassEye · 09/03/2018 22:11

What a horrible cunt to say that when you’re feeling vulnerable. It’s perfectly ok to not be happy with his stupid comments. It’s not you that needs to change for the better in this. I don’t know where you should go from this tbh, you’re married and to throw that away is life changing but if that was my husband I’d reconsider what type of person he really was.

HeddaGarbled · 09/03/2018 22:14

It was only best that he was honest to the extent that it exposed him for the selfish and nasty person he is.

No decent man who loved their wife would say such a hurtful thing just a few months after she had given birth to their child and was coping with a very young baby, with all the physical and emotional exhaustion that involves. Making herself pretty for a man whose priority is his penis (rather than his wife and child) is not a reasonable expectation.

XiCi · 09/03/2018 22:15

At least you know where you stand if you have another baby. Or god forbid an accident or long term illness that affects your looks/weight

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Lovelyivy · 09/03/2018 22:19

We've been together 2,5 years so short time. He is arguing now when I bring this conversation up with "what did you want me to do? You asked me - did I supposed to lie and pretend I was attracted to you"

OP posts:
GlitterGlassEye · 09/03/2018 22:22

He is entitled to his own thoughts but it’s quite vindictive to say them out loud when he knows it’ll hurt you. Seems manipulative.

Gemini69 · 09/03/2018 22:22

I could not be anywhere near a man who treated me so appallingly a few months after giving birth to his Child that I'd carried inside me for 9 months....

Fuck Him.... find your dignity and self respect and inner strength.. this man will wear you down and have you jumping through hoops to satisfy his image of the perfect Woman.. Flowers

Huntinginthedark · 09/03/2018 22:25

He’s just a shallow man
You’ll spend your whole life trying to be “pretty” for him
And he will probably still go and fuck someone younger and perkier when you’ve hit your menopause
Sorry to sound harsh, but that’s just what these type of men do

flimflaminurjams · 09/03/2018 22:26

What HeddaGarbled said

What a pig.

Ryder63 · 09/03/2018 22:28

OMG! op I feel so sorry for you. What an arse Angry

GallicosCats · 09/03/2018 22:42

Giving birth is an exhausting, dangerous and life-altering process that requires a long period of adjustment and recovery. It's got about as much in common with 'letting oneself go' as getting your leg blown off by a mine has with drinking too much on a Saturday night.

To me, telling a woman postpartum that pregnancy and birth has rendered her unattractive is like telling an Afghanistan veteran that he's now ugly and useless because his arm's been blown off by the bomb he was defusing. It's just...Shock I mean, what is really important here? Not your life, clearly.

Joysmum · 09/03/2018 22:52

he told me he fancy other women on the street or at work ... I just can't seem to get over it

It’s one thing ‘being honest’ but quite another to be cruel and saying things like this. It’s no wonder you can’t get over it.