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Original poster

He said I'm not attractive - how to get over it

79 replies

Lovelyivy · 09/03/2018 21:46

Few months ago my husband stoped being affectionate with me and told me I'm not sexually attractive anymore(I was at the low point after giving birth few months prior-feeling not really confident and he made it really bad for me).We were talking about splitting up. After this talk things between got better and we started having fun together again (I think he is happy he got it out of his chest). I started working out and taking care of myself and I feel great again but I hate when he is trying to be intimate or affectionate nowSad. I still remember what he said back then and can't get over it. Where to go from here?Sad

OP posts:
isthismummy · 10/03/2018 11:39

Seriously Jon?

It sounds like the op's main concern right now is putting on her make up and buying new undies to please her man. What sort of decent partner would put that sort of pressure on a woman who has a new baby to care for?

He sounds utterly shallow and cruel. Of course he's happier now. He's got what he wants hasn't he? A new baby and a woman who's still ensuring to dress in sexy knickers for him.

I'm currently 11weeks pregnant and terrified of losing my size 8 figure. If my DH ever called me unattractive during this whole process I would never be able to forgive him.

This thread has made me very, very angry on op's behalf.

isthismummy · 10/03/2018 11:40

And all this "men don't realise the realities of having a baby" shite makes my blood boil. It is just a total cop out excuse for when men behave appallingly when babies come along.

Joysmum · 10/03/2018 11:50

I suspect like a lot of men he didn't realise the realities of having a baby

I’m sure I’m not the only mother to fully appreciate the realities of having a baby either.

How does this explain away him being a dreadful excuse for a man? No way I’d ever see that as an excuse for saying what he did whilst making her feel worse by says no he finds people attractive at work.

Unfortunately he’s behaved in s caluculated way to manipulate the OP because instead of calling him out on it, she’s man pleasing.

Thebluedog · 10/03/2018 12:00

What a truely horrid thing to say at that time you. I wasn’t in bits for ages after giving birth.

I’m glad you’re feeling better now but I’m afraid it would be a deal breaker for me. It shows a complete lack of support or empathy for you. I’m not surprised you feel bad when he tried to get affectionate.

How about you tell him that his words have meant that you no longer find him attractive.

He might be physically attractive on the outside, but it sounds like he’s a very ugly person on the inside

Onecutefox · 10/03/2018 12:19

Jon, you made me laugh, really.

bastardkitty · 10/03/2018 12:58

Jon, do you think he didn't know that she was going to grow a whole baby and push it out of her vagina? Where has he been living? The moon?

meme70 · 10/03/2018 13:00

You won’t mive on from that
Did he explain he doesn’t find you sexually attractive anymore because he’s gone off you or as you had a baby
Has he said he now finds you sexually attractive again ?

My ex who was a serial cheat on all partners once told me in bed after sex you do know you haven’t dine it for me for the last 7 years
He cheated with a women that was identical to his mum and I’m not unattractive
We split up within a year and after that I didn’t want him near me

Yes honestly is good but not without full explanation
Reverse it in him pick something he’s not happy about in his sleep ce say hey your tummy’s getting a bit big don’t realky find that attractive
Let him have a huge dose of insecurity
He certainly is a twat saying that to the mother of his new baby

Lweji · 10/03/2018 13:07

Hmm
Does he find you attractive now? Based on what? Make up? Clothes?
Or because you're feeling more energetic and more confident?

I think it's possible to have times when we go off someone else for lots of different reasons and then regain feelings.
You said you started having fun again, and although he expressed it in terms of physical attraction, perhaps he meant he didn't feel close to you but didn't realise it.

The fact, though, is that he hurt you and it's difficult to overcome that hurt without some work on his part.

It looks like you need to have another honest conversation. Wherever it takes you.

blastomama · 10/03/2018 13:09

Isn't it best he was honest?

No.

OP. have you asked him why he wants to have sex with you if he doesn't find you sexually attractive?

meme70 · 10/03/2018 13:12

Bias lots men will have sex with anything they can they don’t have to find them attractive
Sadly

I don’t think I’d want to be with him
Sadly lots people aren’t attracted to they’re partners and never say as they know it will cause problems

Jon66 · 10/03/2018 13:18

Contrary to what some people think, I don't think his comment is something to end a relationship for. There are adjustments to a relationship that have to be made which can be difficult when a baby comes along whether you are the partner, a brother/sister or husband or wife. From what the op said, he has made a lot of effort since he made the remark and that may be because he realises he said something horrible or because he realised he wasn't pulling his weight, who knows. I suppose part of what i was trying to say but obviously failed, is that there is too much emphasis on what you look like in the media and some people, both men and women have unrealistic expectations of real life because we aren't airbrushed to perfection. I said men in the post because we were talking about a man's unrealistic expectations not a woman's. I was trying to be supportive without dissing her bloke because she's got more important things to do like looking after a baby. What he says is of such little importance I would give it the contempt it deserves by taking no notice. What the op thinks about herself is of more importance than what her partner thinks of her. Do have another go at me if my viewpoint is not to your satisfaction lol . . .

Jon66 · 10/03/2018 13:22

Op, have you and your partner thought about counselling? It can be very helpful in sorting through feelings and it may be helpful to explore why he said what he did.

Shoxfordian · 10/03/2018 16:55

He's a knob
I don't know why you'd even want to go near him again. Tell him if he doesn't want you then he knows where the door is and how to use it.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 10/03/2018 17:00

Wow.

As well as being hurt by his original confession, I'd be shocked that now, after losing a few pounds he is up for sex again Shock
I mean chemistry is the biggest part of attraction and if you've lost 10 pounds you're still the same person. I'd also think that he doesn't connect affection or love to sex, you have to be fighting fit before he can bring himself to have sex with you. You're going to age. I wouldn't want to age with this man. He'd make me feel guilty about ageing even though he'd be ageing too............

While things are civil I'd tell him that you want to co-parent and then take your rejuvenated self off out to make new friends, do the things you thought you'd no time for and invest back in to yourself.

S0ph1a · 10/03/2018 17:04

Have to admit I agree with honesty is the best policy in these situations

Don’t like your partners hair? Don’t like their clothes? Don’t like the fact that they are gaining weight? Why shouldn’t Simone be able to comment as long as it’s not in a hurtful way

I couldn’t agree more. My husband is having chemotherapy right now and he looks a real state. His hair and eyebrows have fallen out and my sex drive has completely plummeted after seeing him puke into the toilet dozens of times.

He asks for a cuddle but I just can’t as I don’t find him attractive any more.

Do you think I should tell him to get his act together, wear sexy underwear and work out more? After all honestly is is the best policy isn’t it ?

Or would that make me a selfish, self centred, heartless cow ?

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 10/03/2018 17:05

''If someone treated me like that, I would stop finding them attractive''

Exactly. Get. Turned. Off

Alicatz66 · 10/03/2018 17:05

He's a pig

Branleuse · 10/03/2018 17:08

Id dump him now, if hes only attracted to you when youre at your physical peak. Hows he gonna feel when youre old and wrinkly? He'll be one of those idiots forever chasing someone young and untouched by life. Youll forever feel shit about yourself.

Fuck it. You need someone who fancies you because youre you.

TalkinBoutWhat · 10/03/2018 18:02

He's not very attractive on the inside, is he? He lacks compassion, sensitivity and decency. And that is pretty much impossible to change. Now that you've seen it, you can't unsee it. I really don't think you can come back from this.

Drainedandconfused · 10/03/2018 18:28

I gained 5 stone with my DD, had my very long hair cropped and turned into a grumpy frump the last 3 months of my pregnancy and didn't look much better until a year after my DD's birth, my exH didn't say a word, I looked nothing like the girl that he met (I was 16 and lovely) he was diplomatic when I said it was about time I lost weight, he encouraged me and treated me to something new every time I lost 7 pounds. If he had made any sort of negative comment towards me during that time it would have devastated me, I knew I wasn't looking my best, I didn't need to be told.
I can totally understand why you are feeling like you do, I wouldn't be too keen on getting intimate either as my confidence would be non existent, in fact I wouldn't be comfortable with him seeing me naked.
He is very shallow and has been quite cruel to you.
My revenge would be to put myself first, lose weight, get my hair done, buy new clothes and aim to look my best within 6 months then tell him that he's not been looking that great recently, totally childish I know.

Cricrichan · 10/03/2018 18:35

I'd just tell him that actually since he said that you've realised that you're finding his receding hairline/paunch/small or thin penis/skinny legs/narrow shoulders/big or small nose unattractive and are finding other men attractive now.

HisBetterHalf · 10/03/2018 18:41

I still remember what he said back then and can't get over it. Where to go from here?sad

I couldnt get over that either. Shallow and fickle

mumofthemonsters808 · 10/03/2018 18:59

He is bang out of order, your baby is only a few months old and your body needs time to get back to normal. I don't think women should let themselves go just because they've become a Mother, it's not an excuse, but the priority is your baby, you can do this when you are ready. The most I'd be aiming for is doing my pelvic floor exercises. I still had blood pumping out of me for six weeks and four stone of blubber to shift..My Husband wouldn't have dared make a single comment

Helmetbymidnight · 10/03/2018 19:03

my husband stoped being affectionate with me and told me I'm not sexually attractive anymore

Isn't it best he was honest?

Nice. How is stopping being warm and kind to someone, and telling them they are not sexually attractive (in general/to anyone) a good thing?

HelenaDove · 10/03/2018 19:32

"What he says is of such little importance I would give it the contempt it deserves by taking no notice"

Translation................let him get away with it.